The most outrageous joke in history

Want a bad joke? ————

A boy was dissatisfied with his girlfriend’s cheating and followed her to a nightclub. When he saw her making love with another boy, he rushed forward with a bottle of unknown liquid in his hand: I will disfigure you! Let’s see how you steal it! After saying that, he poured the liquid on the girl's face. When the people next door saw her disfigurement, they were all frightened away. The girl was very scared, but was surprised that she didn’t feel any sting after a while, so she asked: What did you splash? ...The boy said: It’s makeup remover!

One day, a piece of candy walked in the snow. Soon after, it was frozen. So, the giant candied haws was born~oh yeah~

What is the name of the animal that comes out of the cross between a sheep and a dog? Sheepdog...

Cars can fly. Please guess a drink...coffee...because... .(Car)-(fly)

How to make the drink larger? Recite the Great Compassion Mantra

We say a bear without a tail is called a koala, but what kind of bear do we call a bear without a penis? ~ The answer is a female bear, because a female bear does not have a penis in the first place.

One day, the little penguin went to play with the polar bear! Three years later, when he walked to the equator, he remembered that the door was not closed at home, so he spent another three years returning home and closing the door. Then we arrived at the North Pole six years later. Knock on the door of the polar bear and say: "Polar bear, I came to play with you!" When the polar bear opened the door, he looked at the penguin and said, "I don't want to play! Then he closed the door!" The penguin went home!!!

There was a person who looked like a bicycle, but one day she was ridden away while standing on the road

A college student was caught by the enemy. The enemy tied him to a telephone pole and asked him, "Where are you from?" If you don’t tell me, I’ll electrocute you! A college student replied to his enemy and was electrocuted to death. He said: I am from TV University!

A fat man fell from the 12th floor and died... What happened to him after that? Dead~~ Fat~~ boy...

Xiao Ming: How many times did it take today? Xiaohua: It’s minus 3 degrees! Xiao Ming: ....No wonder it’s so cold.............

Once upon a time, a 5-rare steak and a 7-rare steak met on the street. Why don't they say hello? They are not familiar with each other...

A man named Cai... served himself to others when others were hungry...~

Two people fell We're in a trap. A dead person is called a dead person. What is a living person called? Call for help, haha.

The white horse is called white horse, the black horse is called black horse, and the black and white horse is called zebra. So black, white, and red What's the name of the horse with white and white hair? It's a shy zebra, haha

Q: Why do people go to bed to sleep? A: Because the bed won't come by itself!

QWhen did the dog become smaller and smaller? When dog A ran away.

There was a man who had a bad gastrointestinal condition. One day, he came to the gastric disease hospital for treatment and said to the doctor: "I poop whatever I eat. I eat watermelon and cucumber, and I eat cucumber and cucumber!" The doctor thought for a while. , said to him: "I think you can only eat shit!"

Q: What chicken is the fastest in the world? A: KFC Chicken Nuggets

It was said that there was a polar bear. Because the snow was too harsh, he had to wear sunglasses to see. But he couldn’t find the sunglasses, so he crawled around on the ground with his eyes closed. I searched, crawled and crawled, until my hands and feet were all dirty before I found the sunglasses. After putting on my sunglasses and looking in the mirror, I realized: Oh, it turns out I am a panda.

The nature class teacher asked: Why is the body cold after death? No one answered. The teacher asked again: Doesn't anyone know? At this time, a classmate stood up and said: That's because the mind is naturally cool.

Excuse me: Who gave me Wangqing Shui? Answer: Aha~~~ Reason: "Aha, give me a cup of forgetful water~~~~"

Q: What animal is most likely to be pasted on the wall? A: Sea (poster) leopard\

Q: Who will help you with food when you are full? A: Flying dragons, because flying dragons are adding food in (the sky)

Q: A puppy is traveling in the desert. He died. How did he die? A: He suffocated to death because there were no telephone poles to pee in the desert.

Q: A puppy traveled in the desert and found a telephone pole, but still suffocated to death. Why? A: "No urination allowed here" is posted on the telegraph pole.

Q: A puppy was traveling in the desert and found a telegraph pole. There was nothing posted on it, but it still suffocated to death. Why? ? A: Many puppies were waiting in line and didn’t wait.

Q: A puppy was traveling in the desert and found a telephone pole. There was nothing attached to it. Even though he was in line, he still suffocated to death. Why? A: He was embarrassed because there were two beautiful dog girls behind him. \

Xiao Ming got a new haircut. When he came to school the next day, his classmates saw his new hairstyle and laughed: Xiao Ming, your hair looks like a kite! Xiao Ming felt aggrieved and ran outside to cry. . Crying and crying. . And he flew up. .

How to distinguish the hands and feet of an octopus? Answer: Let the octopus participate in Super Girl. The one holding the microphone is its hand, and the rest is its feet~~

Which one of the stars, the moon, or the sun is mute? Stars, because: There is a sentence in Lu Binghua's song " The stars in the sky don't speak

Huangdou was accidentally run over by a car while crossing the road. Huangdou didn't want to live anymore

Guess how he committed suicide by jumping off the building

Huangdou became As a result, lentils turned into red beans

Carrots turned into white radish. Why? Because he donated blood

Fishing alone. , still didn't catch it. He fished and fished, and finally fell into the sea and drowned.

A man caught a squid, and the squid said to him: Roast me! Okay, but I want to ask you a question. Because he was happy, the squid said: Test me! So the man grilled the squid and ate it.

Why should a person decide? Do you usually flip coins?

On a hot summer day, two bananas were walking on the road. The banana in front suddenly felt very hot. He said, "It's so hot. I want to throw it away." He took off his clothes. As a result, he peeled off the banana and fell down.

Once upon a time, there was a bird who passed by a corn field, but unfortunately one day. There was a fire in that corn field, and all the corn turned into popcorn!!! After the bird flew over...it thought it was snowing, and it was cold to death.

The fish said: "I am always cold." I always open my eyes so that I can't bear to leave you. "Water said: "I flow tirelessly all day long just to surround you and pick you up properly. Guo said, "It's almost fucking ripe and you're still so stubborn." "

Make a V with two fingers, what is it? Yeah~~ Stretch your hands down tremblingly, what is it? It's a fallen leaf!

Who is playing with the wolf, tiger or lion? The game will definitely be eliminated? Wolf, because: Momotaro (eliminated wolf).

Five yuan was kidnapped by a criminal gang, and he called the hundred dollar bill: "Hey! Your son is here. If you don’t want us to break up the vote, just trade yourself for him! The hundred-yuan note thought for a moment and said, "Tear it up. If you tear it up, you won't even have 5 yuan!" ”

The earthworm family was very bored today, so the little earthworm cut himself into two pieces to play badminton. Mother Earthworm thought this method was good, so she cut herself into four pieces to play mahjong. Dad Earthworm After thinking about it, she cut herself into minced meat. Mother Earthworm cried and said, "Why are you so stupid? It will kill you if you cut it into pieces like this! "Earthworm's father said weakly: "...I suddenly want to play football. ”

One day the animals smelled a very smelly smell in front of Guan Gong Temple. The snake said: I am too young to fart such a smelly thing, it must be a cow. The cow said: I eat grass, right? The pig would fart so stinky. The pig said, "Whoever farts will definitely blush." ??Suddenly Guan Gong rushed out and knocked the pig away and said, "I have told you so many times that I am naturally blushing." Mung Bean committed suicide by jumping off the 5th floor. He bled a lot and turned into a red bean. He continued to bleed and turned into a soybean. The wound became scarred and finally turned into a black bean.

One sausage felt very cold when it was locked in the refrigerator. Then he looked at the other sausage next to him, felt a little comforted, and said: "Look at you, you are frozen like this, your whole body is covered with ice!" As a result, the root said: "I'm sorry, I'm a popsicle."

Once upon a time, there was a man named Xiao Cai. He was left alone all night and became sour~~~~~~ There was a man who was as nervous as an airplane and walked around. It flew away. There was a person who looked like a chocolate, and he was eaten as he walked. There was a person who looked like a light bulb, and it lit up as he walked

There was a person named Xiaohua, who started to eat as he walked. Someone picked me up and called me Coke, and I drank it while walking

Ask the cafeteria: It’s cold, what can I eat to keep warm? Answer: Eating some cotton can help keep warm~ ~~~~~~

A blind beggar was begging on the street wearing sunglasses. A drunkard came over and thought he was pitiful, so he threw a hundred yuan to him after walking for a while. When I turned around, I happened to see the blind man looking at the sun to tell the authenticity of the hundred-yuan bill. The drunk man came over and took the money back and said, "You fucking don't want to live anymore, how dare you lie to me!" The blind beggar looked aggrieved and said, "Brother, I'm so sorry. I'm here to check for a friend. He is blind and went to the toilet. In fact, I am mute." "Oh, that's it," so the drunkard threw down the money and staggered away...

Once upon a time, there was a little sheep. One day when he went out to play, he met a big sheep. The big bad wolf said: "I'm going to eat you!" ! ! "Guess what happened? As a result, the big bad wolf ate the lamb.

One day, the three little pigs built three huts to avoid being chased by the big bad wolf. The big bad wolf didn't After struggling to destroy the thatched house, wooden house, and brick house, the three little pigs ran desperately, but they were still caught up by the big bad wolf. The three little pigs said in despair, you can do whatever it takes. How about you? At this time, the big bad wolf smiled evilly and said with saliva: "Then tell me where is Little Red Riding Hood? "

The stone fought with the rice cake, and when he was angry, he kicked the rice cake into the sea.

An egg went to a teahouse to drink tea, but it turned into a tea egg; one egg ran away I went swimming in the Songhua River, and it turned into a preserved egg; there was an egg that ran to Shandong, and it turned into a Lu (stewed) egg; there was an egg that was homeless, and it turned into a pheasant egg; there was an egg I accidentally dropped an egg on the road and fell to the ground, which turned into a missile; an egg ran into someone's yard and turned into an atomic bomb; an egg ran to the Qinghai-Tibet Plateau and turned into a hydrogen bomb; One egg got sick and turned into a bad guy; one egg got married and turned into a bastard; one egg ran into the river and swam and turned into a nuclear bomb; one egg ran into the flowers and turned into a bastard. It turned out to be a Hua Dan; there was an egg riding a horse and holding a knife, and it turned out that he was a Dao Ma Dan; there was an egg that was female, and it was ugly, and it turned out to be a dinosaur egg; there was an egg that was... Male, his wife committed adultery with other eggs outside, and he turned into a bastard...

An old hen plus an old rooster guess the three words "2 chickens" and an old hen Chicken plus an old rooster guess 5 words "It's still 2 chickens" An old hen plus an old rooster guess 7 words "Idiot, it's just 2 chickens"

Xiao Ming: Have you watched it? Guogui shook his head? Kangkang (shaked his head): No. Xiao Ming: Have you ever heard the story of the idiot saying yes, the idiot saying no, and the retarded person not talking? Kangkang:...

One day, red bean cakes After getting into a car accident, the last words he said before dying were: "...Ah! It turns out I was the one making red bean paste! "

Two tomatoes went shopping. The first tomato suddenly walked very fast, and the second tomato asked: "Where are we going? "The first tomato didn't answer, so the second tomato asked again. The first tomato didn't answer, so the second tomato asked again.

The first tomato finally turned around slowly and said: "Aren't we tomatoes? Can we talk?"

Once upon a time, there was a horse who entered a bar and sat at the bar and asked the bartender for a drink. Drinking wine, the waiter said: You have such a long face... End of story

Warmly celebrate the year-end rebate promotion in our school cafeteria! I only got the participation prize - 50 cents coin, but I found it in the dish!

There is a person who looks like a telephone, and he gets beaten when he walks... There is a person who looks like Intel, and he gets fucked when he walks... There is a person who looks like a dumpling, and he gets beaten when he walks... I was hooked right away...

Wife: I am so blind that I will only marry you if I step on shit. Husband: I am really blind and will only marry you if I step on shit. Shit: I'm so unlucky! Lying there, both of you stepped on it...

When the ant went to the desert, why didn't he leave his footprints on the sand, but only a line? Answer: Because it rides a bicycle!

The ant came home from the desert. He did not notify anyone, but his family knew that he was back! Why! Answer: I saw his bicycle parked downstairs...

A little centipede was in a bad mood. His father asked: What's wrong with you? The little centipede said: I said I was afraid you wouldn’t be able to bear it. Dad: Just tell me, I can bear it. The little centipede then swung his more than 100 legs and said: I want to buy Converse shoes on Children's Day.

When it comes to Tchaikovsky, there is such a saying. Tchaikovsky was a pseudonym used by Chekhov when he was working as a driver.

When a man and a woman get married, both of them have a sense of self-protection of property. Before getting married, the man wrote in the prenuptial agreement: All Transformers are mine. . .

One day a long time ago, I was discussing a problem with a friend. He said he was very dark when he was a child, but turned white when he grew up, and he didn't know why. I said, it's like a balloon. It's originally very dark, but after it inflates, it becomes lighter...

A classmate has a crush on a PLMM that he meets every day after school, but he has no chance to get close. . One day, I followed MM to a ramen restaurant and finally plucked up the courage to talk to her: "Classmate...what's your name?" MM: "Beef noodles.".... ................................................

The kindergarten aunt said: "The fine for wetting the bed once is 5 yuan, the fine for wetting the bed twice is 6 yuan, and the fine for wetting the bed three times is 7 yuan." The young man stood up and asked, "How much is the monthly subscription?" Xiaolu stood up and said, "Can I apply for a VIP annual card?"

I stood on campus and shouted to the whole world: "I want to fall in love... love... love...". At this time, a little boy of about five years old who looked very similar to me ran over, pulled my trousers and said: "Dad, my mother told you to stop dreaming and go back quickly to buy her a bottle of soy sauce. She can't leave while cooking." ”

The wolves invaded, and the small animals formed a death squad to fight against them. Mantis: I have two swords. Hedgehog: I'm covered in hidden weapons. The longhorned beetle shook its tentacles and sang: Hum! I have nunchuck nunchaku! Hum hahaha

Summer is here and there are more mosquitoes. Here are some suggestions for preventing mosquitoes. Suggestion 1: Light a pile of hay under the bed. Suggestion 2: Get a gecko tattoo on your body. Suggestion 3: Be conspicuous by the bedside. Write on the position: Whoever bites me is a puppy. Suggestion 4: Catch a live mosquito, dismember it cruelly, videotape the entire process, and play it 24 hours a day on the bedside. Suggestion 5: Get a bowl of fresh chicken blood. Write next to it: It has been sterilized, please feel free to drink it. Tip 6: Keep it in the refrigerator. Suggestion 7: Hang up a mosquito net, sleep naked under it, tease the mosquitoes, and scare them to death. Suggestion 8: Paint yourself with crane crown red, and mosquitoes will be poisoned if they land on you. Suggestion 9: Get drunk and the mosquitoes will bite you. It doesn’t hurt, and it will be drunk to death. Suggestion 10: Have a long conversation with the mosquito, teach it rationally, move it emotionally, and influence it to become a vegetarian.

Some other jokes:

Whenever I got a cold when I was a child, my mother would make me a cup of coffee. She said gently: "Foreigners are all like this." But I am always afraid of the taste of coffee, which is sour, sweet and bitter, and the same is true in life. Nowadays, I can’t see the brand I drank when I was a kid on both sides of the Taiwan Strait, on the island, or in Starbucks. I still vaguely remember that it has a very foreign name: Isatis root!

A foreign guy participated in a Chinese dating show. Woman: Where will you live after marriage? Do you have a room? Answer: I live with my grandma, dad, and stepmother in a house from the last century. 10 lights go out.

Woman: What do you do? Which company is your dad working in? Answer: I am a soldier, and my father does not have a unit. 8 lights go out. Woman: Will you get a BMW when you get married? Answer: Is the horse-drawn carriage available? All lights go out. Host: Where are you from and what is your name? The young man replied in shame: Britain, others call me Prince William

In the library, a girl lay down on the table after reading for a while. After a while, she suddenly struggled to sit up, took out the small mirror she carried with her, stared at it for a long time, and then said: 'Look at you! If you are not beautiful and do not study well, what will you do in the future!' I felt energetic again.

The sisters have a crush on a married male colleague, and they silently write a love letter every day and keep it in a draft in their mailbox. One day when she was drunk and overcome with grief, she decided to send him hundreds of emails in a daze. Not long after, she suddenly regretted it and asked me to help her find an IT expert to destroy that buddy's email address. As a result, the IT man sent tens of thousands of emails praising the motherland and the Party to the buddy's mailbox... and escaped smoothly. The buddy was probably so angry that he deleted them all.

At the opening ceremony of a plastic surgery hospital in Wenzhou, two beauties wore clothes with "Zhou Libo" written on them. Breast augmentation can be done in seven days, Mamma Mia!

The husband challenged his wife’s IQ and asked: My dear, do you have the skills to say something that makes me happy and angry at the same time? My wife was silent for a while and said: I found that among all your friends, you are the only one who does not need to take Viagra.

My mother said to me kindly when I was a child: Good boy, if you learn this skill, you will never starve to death for the rest of your life. So my mother taught me how to eat!

Don’t be a racist, be like Uncle Mario - he is Italian, but made in Japan, speaks English, can run like a Jamaican, jumps higher than a black man, and competes with a Jew I also love collecting gold coins...

A very profound question suddenly occurred to me: How did Yang Guo cut his nails after so many years since he had broken his arm?

Yue Lao's eyes were full of sadness. He looked back at the earth with nostalgia every step of the way: In this world where rotten girls are prevalent, the red thread in his hand can no longer be matched. He was eventually laid off and was forced by the Jade Emperor to move to Mars. This is the place where I have stayed for fifty thousand years! He gritted his teeth and left angrily. The Jade Emperor looked at him from a distance and sighed: "Hey, it's been fifty thousand years, how come you still don't understand my heart..."

Rice and steamed buns were fighting, and Rice was outnumbered. , They beat anything wrapped when they saw it. Sugar buns, meat buns, and steamed dumplings were all spared. Zongzi was forced into the corner. In desperation, he tore off his clothes and shouted: Look clearly, I am an undercover agent!

By the way, that classmate was in elementary school at that time. One night before the final exam, he heard his parents discussing what to make for him for breakfast tomorrow morning. His mother said: How about making fried dough sticks and eggs? One fried dough stick and two eggs are one hundred percent. His father was silent for a while and then said: He has taken so many exams and 100 points is not enough. How about giving him instant noodles and eating the "unified 100".

There is a colleague in the unit, a Mongolian, a great god-level figure who often wanders around the world. I went home for a year's vacation and still didn't come back after several days of vacation. My boss called me. Ya said on the phone: Boss, I'm still riding a horse on the Hulunbuir grassland to find my home. My family is a nomadic people. I don't know where to move now. Where is it?