I forgot the reason why I committed suicide (7)

A few minutes before Jiang Yang jumped off the building, I told him on the phone: Please, go to hell.

We were once close brothers and sisters.

Of course, it just seems close.

The moment he was born, I lost the meaning of existence in the eyes of my parents.

A heart may be divided into two or several parts, but it can never be evenly distributed.

Parents with more than two children can never give equal care to several children.

Even if the disguise is very good, the eccentricity buried in the heart will still be revealed inadvertently.

For example, when my parents come to pick us up from school, Jiang Yang's hand is always the first to hold, and then the other hand reaches out to me.

For example, after the exam, my parents always take care of Jiang Yang, who scored the lowest. "I'll try my best next time," but I stood by and nobody cared.

For example, when Jiang Yang and I grabbed the same toy or the same TV remote control, my parents always ordered me to give it to him.

Elder sister should make way for younger brother. This is a classic line of every parent in the world.

Then I'll let.

From childhood to adulthood.

Although my disgust and dissatisfaction almost overflowed my chest, I dutifully played the role of a good sister and daughter.

Because this family is rich.

The bigger my father's company is, the more pocket money we have. I don't have to rob Jiang Yang of his computer snacks and remote control, and I don't have to rob him of anything. I have everything about him.

Money can greatly satisfy my vanity.

Wearing a high-flying skirt and carrying a designer bag, I walked on campus and was baptized by the boys' eyes, which made me feel alive.

I am not the poor little girl who is always neglected and indifferent at home.

I'm not the hypocritical sister who pretends to be sensible.

Until my father announced that the family company was going bankrupt.

Dad was even detained for financial problems.

No skirt, no bag, no cosmetics, no computer, everything.

I became that poor little girl again.

I thought Jiang Yang, an innocent dude, would be more heartbroken than me, but 18-year-old, touching his mother's back, quietly told her not to cry like an adult.

Why?

Why is he so psychologically tolerant when he is usually heartless?

Why is he four years younger than me and more sensible than me?

Because since he was born, his parents have given him infinite care, and they are bent on educating and doting on him, which makes him such a powerful person.

but I ...

Neglected since childhood.

But he became this selfish, narrow and fragile clown.

It's not fair.

It's not fair at all.

I stumbled to the bar and got drunk. At three in the morning, Jiang Yang appeared in front of me.

"Is it useful to give up like this?" He grabbed my wrist and tried to drag me out of the bar.

"Do you know what bankruptcy means?" I shook off his hand. "Bankruptcy means that you are no longer a playboy, your friends are no longer around you, your girlfriend is no longer smiling sweetly at you, we will have no house to live in, no food to eat, and even have to drop out of school. Nothing happened overnight. "

"Are those things that important?" Jiang Yang sink a voice said.

"Do you want to say that as long as your family is together, you can overcome any difficulties?" I sneered: "Don't be naive! In the next days, we will face endless despair! Maybe dad will go to jail for life! Even if he comes out by luck, there will be a huge psychological gap from the boss to the civilian overnight. He will give up on himself, throw things and lose his temper. Our menopausal mother will go to Lacrimosa every day and may even think of suicide. "

"No." Jiang Yang said in a weak voice.

He can't even convince himself.

I picked up a wine bottle, smashed it hard, then pointed the tip of the bottle at my wrist and smiled at him: "If only I were dead, I wouldn't have to bear so much pressure."

Jiang Yang hit the bottle in my hand with one hand, and her voice trembled: "Are you crazy?"

I sat on the ground, burying my face in tears.

Jiang Yang held me in her arms and said softly, "Don't be afraid, I'm here."

I am here.

I am here.

It is because of you that I am in this situation. Why don't you understand?

Although I hate him, he is always dead set on my sister.

He can always come to me when I am forgotten by my parents in the corner and expose my embarrassment and embarrassment in public.

I deliberately fried the unpalatable watermelon skin for him to eat, but he actually ate it with relish and gave him a thumbs-up compliment.

When I made my first boyfriend, he looked sad and asked me angrily, what is he inferior to that so-called boyfriend?

Even his later girlfriend has my shadow on her.

Such a simple and ignorant brother must be very moved to see his beloved sister have a nervous breakdown and want to commit suicide with the tip of a bottle.

Actually, I'm not that depressed.

Money can really satisfy my vanity, but after all, it is a thing apart from me.

Just finding a rich boyfriend can solve all my troubles, and I don't need to worry about anything at all.

Just take this opportunity to stimulate Qi Angyang.

It's just a small opportunity.

After listening to my seemingly painful and desperate words, every time I saw my desperate father in the detention center and Lacrimosa's haggard mother, he had to watch out for his sister's suicide. No matter how strong his heart is, I'm afraid he can't bear such pressure.

Especially after the double betrayal of Ethan and Chen Huashan.

But he is still heartless, telling some boring cold jokes while eating, trying to make his mother laugh, rushing to do housework to share the pressure for his mother, and even secretly looking for a part-time job outside without telling his mother.

And I only know how to eat, sleep and surf the internet all day, and I am always scolded by my mother for losing money.

If only he were not my brother.

If he wasn't my brother, I wouldn't be so jealous of him as I am now, and I might even think he is a good boy.

And because he is a good boy, it shows how dark and humble I am.

As long as he exists, I will live in endless darkness forever.

If only he were dead.

This is an expectation buried in my heart since I was a child.

Jiang Yang doesn't know that when I eat at the same table with him, when I sit on the same sofa with him and watch TV, when I walk with him on the way to school, my heart is full of-go to hell.

I don't hate him at all. It's not his fault. He is just a naive and silly brother, but I still long for him to die.

Just imagine my parents' heartbroken expression when they learned that Jiang Yang died, and I can laugh happily.

therefore ...

When he sat in front of the computer trying to find a part-time job, I stood behind him and said, "My parents bought insurance for us a few years ago. If one of us dies, the insurance company will compensate our family for a large amount of compensation, so that dad and the company will be saved. "

therefore ...

The situation in Jiang Yang is very bad. He turned to look at me, his eyes clouded.

I looked at his eyes with a straight face. "You won't let me die, will you, brother?"

Of course he won't let me die.

Because I am his closest and favorite sister.

Before Jiang Yang jumped off the building, his mother had her pulse taken at home. I saw her with a knife. I walked into the bathroom in a trance.

-fragile and irresponsible menopausal women.

I sat on the sofa and watched TV as if nothing had happened until I heard the sound of my body falling to the ground from the bathroom.

I stared at the TV screen and dialed the telephone of Jiang Yang.

"Mom just cut her wrist." I said, "But I'm not going to take her to the hospital."

Jiang Yang didn't speak, there was a whirring wind in the receiver. I didn't realize that he was on the top floor of the school.

Maybe he just wants a blow or a cigarette.

"It's best to die like this. Are you too tired to live? " I'll keep talking.

There is an advertisement on TV. The little girl with a ponytail is holding her brother's hand and crossing the road carefully. Two small hands are tightly held together.

"Remember when I said that if you can't get married in the future, I will support you for life?" Jiang Yang said softly, his tone trembling. "I promise, I will work hard to make money, I will support you. So you hurry to send mom to see a doctor ... "

I snapped at him: "Raise me? What do you support? I will graduate from high school soon, and it will cost a lot of money to go to college! Drop out of school to find a job? What can a loser who just turned 18 do? So when will you be naive! ? "

I raised the volume: "You know what? In the eighteen years since I became your brother and sister, there has not been a day that I don't want you to die. "

"Your existence is my greatest pain."

"Even if our family doesn't go bankrupt and dad doesn't go to jail, I still want you to die."

"So, please, go to hell."

Then I hung up decisively.

Just like an ordinary brother and sister quarrel.

After quarreling, they will make up and play jokes on each other.

When I took my mother to the hospital, I learned the news of Jiang Yang jumping off a building.

Jiang Yang, the heartless and optimistic younger brother, finally died as I hoped.

The person who loved me the most in the world died.

Jiang Yang didn't leave a word before he died.

No one knows that he talked to me on the phone before jumping off the building. His mobile phone is broken, and the SIM card is not damaged, but my last phone call with him disappeared from the card. Jiang Yang carefully deleted the record before jumping off the building, so that I wouldn't be pestered by the police for investigation.

It would be ironic to say, "Jiang Yang, my sister is joking with you. My sister is just impulsive, so you can come back to life.".

There is a black and white photo of Jiang Yang hanging on the living room wall at home.

That's a two-inch photo he just took this year.

He smiled slightly in the photo, warmer than the sun.

If you stare at something intently for a long time, your vision will gradually blur, and then you can't help crying.

This is a normal physiological reaction.

So when I look at Jiang Yang's photos, I always see tears sliding to the corners of my mouth. It must be a normal physiological reaction, not sadness.

When I went to the detention center to pick up my father, he seemed to be ten years older and could barely walk with the help of his mother. When I got home, I cried with a picture of Jiang Yang in my arms.

This is what goes around comes around.

But I don't feel carefree.

Because I suddenly realized that even if they are sad now, they will eventually forget everything under the catalysis of time. They will gradually forget that they once had a son named Jiang Yang, and occasionally mention it and sigh, that's all. No one will be sad for a lifetime because of whose death.

This is human.

I cleaned Jiang Yang's room, tidied up his bookcase and rummaged through his photo album.

It's like suddenly realizing that he is my own brother.

"In the next life, don't be my brother." I compared the smiling Jiang Yang in the film.

I'm sorry

These three words are hard to say.

Because once you say it, you lose everything. All my resentment, jealousy, sadness and despair over the years have become jokes.

Until the trail of funds appeared.

"If I told you that Jiang Yang didn't commit suicide because of Ethan, would you believe it?" This little boy, who seems to have no sense of existence, surprised me by what he said.

What he said next made me gasp.

-Jiang Yang became a ghost, forgot the cause of suicide, and was tied to school. Xiao Ganlu is the only one who can see him.

Sounds like a vulgar Korean ghost movie.

I couldn't have believed these stories anyway.

But when I came to the school in Jiang Yang, standing on Wisteria Lane, looking at the direction pointed by Qian Finger, I felt a sense of repressed suffocation.

It's impossible.

No

I asked a lot of questions, only Jiang Yang and I knew the questions, and Qian Lu Xiao answered them all without saying a word.

Jiangyang really exists.

He was standing right in front of me. He can see me, but I can't see him I don't know whether he is smiling or expressionless, happy or angry.

The biting chill spread from the top of the head to the soles of the feet. I want to escape, escape to my house, escape to my bedroom, and cover my head with a quilt.

Then it suddenly occurred to me that Jiang Yang had forgotten the cause of suicide and all the unpleasant things, and he could only rely on other people's tips to slowly restore his memory.

So I'm still his favorite sister, or a good sister he promised to raise all his life.

We are still close brothers and sisters.

But my memory will come back one day. All gloom and despair will eventually invade Jiang Yang's heart.

And there is a trace of money next to it.

I can't let Jiang Yang endure the taste of death for the second time.

The only way is to make him disappear before he regains his memory.

-I'd rather you have good memories than remind you of my ugly side, and you have a feeling of dying.