Seeking legal funny short play

I collected some jokes for your reference.

I. Lawyers and accountants

Three lawyers and three accountants went to a meeting in other places. When they got on the train, three accountants bought three tickets, but three lawyers only bought one ticket. The accountant is confused. The lawyer said, "You will know when you get on the train."

As soon as the train started, three lawyers squeezed into a toilet. The conductor began to check in and finally went outside the toilet. She knocked at the door and said, "Check the tickets". Then the door opened a small crack and a ticket was handed out from it.

After the meeting in other places, the accountant thought the lawyer's method was very good when he came back, so he only bought a ticket. This time, the lawyers didn't buy any tickets, and the accountants were puzzled. The lawyers still said, "You will understand when you get on the bus."

After getting on the bus, three accountants squeezed into a toilet, and three lawyers squeezed into the toilet on the other side of the carriage. Shortly after the train started, a lawyer came out of the toilet and went outside the accountant's toilet. He knocked on the door and said, "Check in".

Second, learn lawyer's questioning skills from jokes.

1. Judge: "Why do you cheat those who believe in you?"

Defendant: "Because it is impossible to deceive those who don't believe me, Mr. Judge."

2. Police: "How dare you rob in broad daylight!"

Thief: "Mr policeman, I never work day and night."

Two wonderful answers! Funny, why? Maybe you will say that the answer distorts the original intention of the question, or that the answer is irrelevant. Is that really the case? For the first joke, the judge should ask "Why cheat" or "Why cheat those who trust you but not others"? For the second joke, whether to ask "why do you want to rob" or "why do you want to rob in broad daylight and not in other circumstances" is ambiguous because the real object of the question is not specified at all. We choose the object of the question when watching the joke and let the thief answer irrelevant questions. The following joke asks the same question, but there is no ambiguity, because it defines the question object with a determiner, and the funny factor is the humor of its answer itself.

Warden: "You just got out of prison yesterday. Why did you break the law again today? "

Prisoner: "I didn't learn rattan weaving and handbag weaving in prison middle school, so I have to come to cram."

We always think that only table sentences will cause ambiguity, but in fact interrogative sentences are more likely to cause ambiguity. This ambiguity needs more attention and even mastery for judges and lawyers whose main task is to ask questions.

The policeman asked a thief caught red-handed, "Why do you have to steal from this shop?"

The thief replied, "because this shop is very close to my residence." You know, the current society is very chaotic. "

A tourist galloped on the highway and was stopped by the police.

"Am I driving too fast?"

"No, you are flying too low."

Is it funny? Why? You will say that this person's answer is humorous, which not only answers the reason why tourists are pulled, but also exaggerates the driving speed of tourists with the word "fly". In fact, the beauty of the answer lies in cleverly avoiding the trap set by tourists for the police.

The analysis is as follows:

What is the original intention of tourists asking questions? We need the police to explain why they detained him. In order to achieve this goal, there are different ways to ask questions. The most direct question is: "Why are you holding me" or "Did I do something wrong?" But tourists don't ask this question, but ask, "Do I drive fast?" Although the original intention of this question is the same as the first two questions, the effect is completely different. The difference is that tourists can narrow down their choices when answering the police. The reason can only be fast, not anything else. The police put aside his limited questions and humorously explained his reasons for enforcing the law.

I remember reading an article about lawyer's questioning skills. In the trial of inheritance disputes, the focus of the dispute is the authenticity of a will. The testator found a witness who claimed that the deceased was present when he wrote the will and helped the deceased seal the envelope containing the will. During the cross-examination, the lawyer asked the witness:

"Do you seal the envelope with red wax or yellow wax?"

The witness obviously didn't expect the lawyer to ask such a detailed question, but he still calmly answered loudly:

"I sealed the envelope with red wax."

"Are you sure you use red wax?"

"Yes, I remember it very clearly."

The lawyer's goal was achieved because the will held by the other party was sealed with paste. The witness's perjury was exposed by the lawyer with a little questioning skill. Lawyers' skills are exactly the same as those of tourists, and they all set a wrong premise with multiple-choice questions. No matter what answer the other person chooses, the answer is wrong. It can be said that they all set a terrible trap.

3. What's the difference between a lawyer and a sanitary napkin?

A: Lawyers are male and female.

A lawyer named Strange bought himself a tombstone. The stonemason asked, "What is engraved on the tombstone?" The lawyer said, "An honest man and a lawyer are buried here." The stonemason said, "I'm sorry, the law of this state forbids two people to be buried together in the grave." We can change it to "an honest lawyer sleeps here". """But who knows who this is?" The lawyer said. "Never mind," said the stonemason, "when people read this inscription, they will surely shout with one voice:' This is so strange! ! "

Fourth, you can't hand it in.

A lawyer's wife is very ill. Before the diagnosis and treatment, the doctor, who loves money like hell, said to the lawyer, "Can you promise me that after I see your wife's illness, I will get a visit fee?"

The lawyer immediately took out a check from him and said, "This is 500 yuan. Whether you save her life or cure her illness, I will pay you in full. "

The doctor examined the patient with confidence. However, despite his best efforts, the patient died. Later, the doctor asked the lawyer to pay for his consultation.

The lawyer asked him, "Did you cure my wife?"

"Of course not, my diagnosis and medication are correct." The doctor said quickly.

"So, did you save her life?"

"I'm sorry, but I've tried my best."

"So you didn't cure her or save her, did you?"

"Yes, sir." The doctor replied.

"It seems that I don't have to pay for your consultation."

Five, finally understand.

After the lawyer tried his best to defend, the defendant was finally acquitted.

At the gate of the court, the lawyer asked the defendant, "You have been released, and we are going to break up. Now please tell me the truth at last. Have you really committed a crime? "

The defendant replied, "Mr. Lawyer, when I heard your wonderful defense in court, I realized that I was innocent."

Six, right-handed crime

This is theft.

The defense lawyer said, "The defendant just put his right hand into the window and stole a few things. His right hand is not equal to him. How can he punish the whole person for committing a crime with one right hand? "

The judge finally ruled: "The defense's opinion is reasonable and adopted. Sentenced the defendant's right hand to one year's imprisonment. Whether the defendant goes to prison with his right hand is up to him. "

The lawyer quickly took off the wooden prosthetic hand on the defendant's right arm and gave it to the judge, and then took the defendant away with only one hand.

Seven, curiosity

The court will formally try the murderer Jimmy, but his lawyer didn't come for some reason.

Judge: "Jimmy, your lawyer didn't come. Do you want to wait for him? "

Jimmy: "Yes! Mr. Judge. "

Judge: "You were caught at the crime scene! He also admitted the crime. What's the use of waiting for him? What else can he say? "

Jimmy: "I'm surprised, too, so I'd like to hear what he has to say."

Eight, don't look at the wrong person.

There are 12 jurors in the jury seat.

One of the jurors whispered to the juror next to him, "This is my first time as a juror. However, I will never be wrong about someone, that pretentious guy. I knew at a glance that he was guilty. "

"Which one did you say? He is not a defendant, but a defense lawyer. "

Nine. question of procedure

The prosecutor asked the witness; "You just said that you visited the defendant on the day of the crime. What did he say?"

"Objection!" The defense lawyer said, "This question is out of order!"

Then, the prosecutor and the lawyer argued for a whole hour about whether the question was appropriate. Finally, the judge ruled that the objection was invalid and the witness had to answer the question.

The witness replied, "Nothing, he was not at home."

Ten or twenty-four pigs

Twelve jurors sat in the jury box to hear a lawsuit. The plaintiff is a farmer who lost twenty-four pigs.

The plaintiff's lawyer told the jury affectionately, "My client lost twenty-four pigs! Ladies and gentlemen, 24 pigs! There are twice as many jurors as there are sitting! "

Eleven, automatic exit

A judge came home from work after finishing a divorce case, and when he saw his wife's intimate love affair with a lawyer, he flew into a rage and rushed to fight with the lawyer.

The lawyer said, "Neither you nor I want to die. How's this? We all shot at the ceiling and then fell to the ground and pretended to be dead at the same time. See which one your wife runs to, and the other one will have to quit automatically. "

After further consideration, the judge agreed to the lawyer's suggestion.

After the shooting, all I heard was the judge's wife running to the closet and saying, "Honey, come out quickly. They are all dead. "

Twelve, real money and silver

A famous barrister represented a small case, claiming 3000 yuan. The lawyer won a great victory.

After the case was over, the barrister found the client and gave him a bill of 100 yuan: "This is your reward after deducting attorney's fees, legal fees, travel expenses, labor fees and typing fees."

The customer took the bill, read it over and over again, and sighed, "What a lie."

The barrister said, "Cheating? This is real money. "

Thirteen, justice will win.

As soon as a lawyer won a major lawsuit, he immediately sent a telegram to his client: "Justice has won."

The party immediately called back eagerly: "Appeal immediately!"

Fourteen hard-earned

The defendant promised his defense lawyer, "If you have the ability to put me in prison for only half a year, then you will take 1000 yuan more."

The defendant got what he wanted.

While collecting money, the lawyer said, "This is really a hard job. The judges had hoped to be acquitted. "

Fifteen, as drunk as a fiddler.

The police officer who arrested the defendant testified that the defendant searched the glove box of the car for a long time when he asked for a driver's license.

The question raised by the lawyer of the accused drunk driver hit the nail on the head. "Was it dark in the car? Are there many things stuffed in the glove box? " Asked the lawyer.

"yes."

"How long did he grope?"

"About five minutes." The police officer said.

"Well," said the lawyer, "do you think it's strange to find a small piece of paper in a dark and messy glove box for five minutes?"

"Yes," replied the policeman. "He is in my police car."

Sixteen, lawyers and police

In court, the lawyer is asking the police officer who testified: "Did you see the defendant at the crime scene?"

The police officer replied, "No, I learned it from my partner."

The lawyer then asked, "So do you trust your partner?"

"Of course."

Do you have your own locker at the police station?

"yes." "Is it locked before the patrol every day?"

"yes."

"If you trust your partner so much, why lock it up?" The lawyer asked proudly.

The police officer calmly replied, "Because there are not only policemen in the police station, but also many lawyers walking around."

Seventeen, crossing the river

Three lawyers, doctors and accountants crossed the river at the same time. Because the bridge was broken, they had to wade across it, and there was another big crocodile eyeing up in the water. It was really thrilling. The doctor left first, and the crocodile swallowed him! It is the same for accountants to go on. In the end, only the lawyer survived safely, and some people asked what special function can make the crocodile shut up?

The lawyer replied, "nothing, I just told him,' I'll start timing as soon as you open your mouth!" 』

Whose dog is the cleverest?

One day, a doctor, an architect and a lawyer are comparing whose dog is the cleverest.

The doctor's dog starts first. It took some bones from the door and put a picture of human bones on the ground. The doctor was very happy and gave it some biscuits as a reward.

The architect's dog took some branches from outside and built a model of the Eiffel Tower on the ground. The architect was very proud and gave it some biscuits as a reward.

Finally, the lawyer's dog appeared. He talks to the doctor's dog and the architect's dog. As a result, both dogs gave him cookies. The lawyer smiled and explained that his dog is now the legal adviser of two dogs.

19, heaven and hell (1)

It is said that there is only a wall between heaven and hell. For this * * * wall, heaven and hell agreed that both sides should take turns to be responsible for the maintenance.

Responsible for the maintenance of heaven, ask the painter to paint murals, which is really beautiful. But when it's the turn of hell to maintain it, it's a pity to let it fall and explode. Anyway, it must be heaven that finally collects the mess, and hell can be said to have nothing to hide. Year after year, day after day, heaven is finally on fire, and an ultimatum is issued, demanding that hell be improved within a time limit, otherwise it will be prosecuted to the court and will never be lenient!

After receiving this ultimatum, Hell smiled and said, "This is the biggest joke in the universe. Lawyers from all over the world come to see what you say! 」

Heaven and Hell (Part Two)

It is said that people who go to heaven live in villas. Most villas are simple, but not very luxurious, but one of them is as grand as a palace.

The newcomer didn't know how he felt, so he pointed to a villa like a palace and asked the angel, "That must be where God lives! 」

The angel replied, "No, God lives like us. That building is for lawyers. We have few lawyers here. Of course, treat them well! 」

Twenty, ranking

A lawyer and a doctor are vying for this position. Finally, they decided to ask Diogenes (an ancient Greek philosopher) to be the referee. Diogenes sided with the lawyer. He said, "Thief first, killer second."

Twenty one. divorce

"I want to divorce my husband!" An American actress walked into a law firm in new york and said.

"yes." The lawyer replied cheerfully: "You give it to 300 yuan, and I'll handle the divorce formalities for you right away."

"What, 300 yuan?" The actress shouted, "It's too expensive! I'll get someone to film him, and all he wants is 150 yuan! "

"How can I thank you enough?" A lady said to Clarence legal hero after a famous lawyer successfully solved a legal dispute for her.

"Dear," replied the legal hero, "since the Phoenicians invented silver, there is only one answer to your question."

After two lawyers walked out of the office building of the criminal police, they saw two people standing next to them. A lawyer asked another lawyer:

Why are they standing here? Was it robbed? Maybe they need a lawyer!

Then they were really robbed!

22.good news

A man called a law firm and said, "I want to talk to my lawyer." The operator replied, "I'm sorry, he died last week."

The next day, the man continued to call. The operator replied, "I told you yesterday that he died last week."

On the third day, the man continued to call and asked to speak to his lawyer. This time, the operator said impatiently to him, "How many times have I told you? Your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling? "

The man said, "Because I like listening to the news."