Looking for absolutely hilarious slip-of-the-tongued jokes (don’t do it if you don’t laugh!)

1 When I was a child, the TV series "Hunter" and "Hunter" were shown on TV. An old woman in the yard said, "Tonight we will play "Hunter"." . . . . .

2 A colleague I didn’t know well was chatting with me. The content of the conversation was extremely boring. He kept talking about what was going on with him and his girlfriend. What was going on? I was speechless. When he finished talking, After a long time, he looked at me... Maybe he meant that he said so much, I should express my opinion...

For a moment, I really didn't know what to say, and he blurted out and asked One sentence: Is your girlfriend a girl?

I was so cold for a long time!!!!

3 When the teacher was talking about the ancient Babylonian civilization in junior high school, he talked about the Sumerians, history The teacher got excited and said, "There are also Shuermei people from the Mesopotamia and Mesopotamia." She laughed for most of her on the spot.

4 Let's buy pot helmets to eat together. A certain man came up and said, "Boss, here are two steel helmets!"

(If you have good teeth, you will have a good appetite, and it will taste good when you eat it...)

5 In high school, there was a classmate named Huang Jiajian

One day in class there was no When the old class entered the classroom and saw that his seat was empty

he asked: Yi, where is Huang Jiajian?

The whole class laughed and called him the Huang family bitch from now on.

6 In the past, when the exam teacher handed out papers, the girl behind him took an extra paper and shouted, "Teacher, I have it, I have it." Then the boy sitting next to him said, "It's mine, it's mine." "The whole class was shocked~~~

7 I worked in the factory two years ago. One day I went to the branch factory with my master (who was actually 1 year older than me) to do some work. The material clerk was in his forties. The eldest sister who counted was named Dong. After finishing the work, my master was very polite and wanted to say: Sister Dong, let’s go. But the result was: “I understand.”

8 ~Another time , I went to buy breakfast, and when I was queuing up, I found that the usually stern boss was also queuing up, so I was very nervous. After saying hello, I mustered up the courage to say to the chef: "Master, please give me a cup of steamed buns with two breasts!"~

~~~~Whew~~ It’s the first time in two years that I heard my boss laugh so loudly~~~Depressing~~~

9 My friend’s child is half a year old. I called to care about it and exchanged a few words. Finally, a sentence came: Does your child need human milk or your milk now?

10 One evening, I met an acquaintance and said, "Good morning"...

11 In the evening, a roommate came into the room and announced loudly: "Today I'm watching the midnight version of The Ring!"

12 I went to buy watermelons that day and heard someone asking the melon seller: "What's your watermelon?" Is there any skin?

13 A farmer was drying wheat in the yard, and several chickens came to peck at the food. The farmer swept and scratched the chickens, sweeping and scratching again and again. He couldn't bear it and cursed: "You bad things, I scratch, you sweep Sweep, I scratch, you sweep. "

14 One day when I was going shopping, I found an Internet cafe in front of me. I rushed in and shouted to the network administrator: Where is the toilet in your hut?

15 When I was buying food in the canteen, I saw the tofu skin that I had longed for. I excitedly told the waiter that I would like some potato skins, which shocked everyone around me.

16 Because On a business trip, I had to go to the Bank of China to repair equipment. After getting into a taxi from the hotel, I said to the female driver: "Go to the Bank of China and find a hardware store to buy a knife." Khan! At that time, I meant to buy a screwdriver. I didn't notice that I said it wrong. At this time, the female driver kept looking at me and said aggrievedly: "Brother, I have to get off work. You can take another taxi." I was very angry at that time and said viciously: "Why are you parking your car at the hotel after get off work?" The female driver looked at me and said, "Brother, after buying the knife, I don't want the car money. You can find another car." "Dizzy!" ! ! Only then did I realize that I had made a mistake, so I quickly explained for a long time. Now that I think about it, I feel I can’t help the female driver.

17 The politics teacher once said during a lecture: "Let me give you an example." Then he felt it was wrong and said again: "Let me give you an example."

18 Remember "Emperor Wu of the Han Dynasty" "In "Zhang Qian came back from the Western Regions and brought new iron-making materials

He made a good sword, and Liu Che brought it to Li Guang. Li Guang kept repeating:

Your Majesty , What a good sword (cheap), Your Majesty, what a good sword (cheap)...

Speechless...

19 What a good donkey to be my heart, liver and lungs.

20 When I was in junior high school, the teacher asked the translator: Who is this man?

A classmate translated: Who is this man? The whole class laughed and the teacher was speechless

21 The last time I went to McDonald's, I said to the salesperson: "Bring me a bag of potato chips, but they said they don't have any." I said, what kind of store doesn’t even have potato chips? After that, I turned around and left. . .

During the 22nd midterm exam, the girl behind me had a pants-shaped pencil case on the table. When I turned around, the pencil case fell off, and I said, "MM, your pants have fallen off."

23 I remember meeting a dog on the road, and the girl next to me shouted in surprise: Yeah, there’s no dog in that tail! !

23 Too much sunbathing.

24 I remember when I was a child, I went to buy round plastic bullets in toy guns, and I directly said to the old man in the toy store: buy a pack of original ( round) bullet!

25 A classmate explained to me how to make a certain inquiry phone number.

I wanted to ask whether the person who answered the phone was a real person or a voice, and the answer came: "Is the person who answered the phone alive or dead?"

26 Carrying a lot of things GG and I were looking for a place to store our bags at the train station.

When a patrol police came, gg immediately stepped forward and asked politely: "How can I get to the bag burial place?"

27 During the politics class, the political issues between China and Japan were mentioned, and they were talking nonsense. Speaking of Japanese samurai committing suicide by caesarean section.

The teacher introduced: "Japanese samurai all had caesarean sections before they died~~~"

28 Once I called a customer named Wang, and the switchboard answered the phone with a voice. Very sweet MM, she told me his extension number. I didn’t know whether the person named Wang I was looking for was a boy or a girl, so I asked by the way, “Is he a male or a female?”

29 When I was in college, a classmate of mine just bought a mobile phone and applied for a mobile card. He called the 1860 man desk to ask, and he was excited: Could you please tell me about your local transportation business. . . , from the hands-free, we actually heard the operator lady saying politely: Our local moving service. . . The whole dormitory burst into laughter

30 During the eleventh day of my junior year, my classmate went to work in a fish mall. The guest took the picked fish, and my classmate pointed to the fish killing platform and said to him gently: "Go over there, someone will kill you..."

31 Yesterday, someone asked me to introduce a girlfriend to me. I originally wanted to ask "Is it beautiful?", but I ended up saying "Is it cheap?" Sweat yourself to death!

32 The teacher told us: "Be careful when riding in the car during the spring outing. Don't throw your head and arms out all the time..."

33 My husband is very thin. Once I was anxious and said "Husband, you are as skinny as a pig!"

34 One day I went to the famous Daqiao Road Food Store in Tianjin to buy food. I have to buy wife cakes almost every time! As a result, that day I saw a new type of cake that was slightly smaller in size. It looked basically the same, but I was not sure, so I asked the salesperson: "Is this a little wife cake?"

Everyone in the audience turned their heads.

35 My cousin’s family runs a kindergarten. Once she was in an emergency and asked me to help her take care of the children for an hour, play games and tell stories.

The first time I faced more than ten children, I was so nervous that my tongue was tied: "Children, today my aunt will tell you a story about "Aladdin" (Aladdin and the Magic Lamp)...

36 Concave out, convex in...

37 Original broadcast transcript: Two gangsters injured me 110 police officers and then fled

The announcer read: Two gangsters injured me 110 Ten police officers fled

(The reincarnation of Huang Feihong!)

38 When I was in high school, I was in the same class with my younger brother, and he sat right behind me

One day In the evening, our geography teacher asked us: Who is the sister? Who is the brother? I was stunned at that time.

39 After returning to the dormitory after buying some cold noodles, I went to another dormitory and found my roommate when I came back. They were eating my Liangpi.

When they saw me coming back, one of them said to me: Why did you come back? The Liangpi was cold!

40 I wanted to drink soda, so I had to take a few steps. I went to the cold drink stall and wanted to get a bottle of soda. Unexpectedly, I saw the beer in front of me. I said in a hurry: "Boss, let's get a bottle of soda." Boss.........

41 A colleague just now I read the newspaper and asked, "Yesterday, how many games did the Chinese team win? China was only one, and Singapore couldn't get a negative result.

42 There used to be a game called "Red Dead Redemption" on the Famicom. Europeans usually call it "The Whore in the Wilderness"

43 There is a narrator: Break out of Asia, break out of the world!

44 Once, my husband and I had a fight, and he scolded me: "Pig!" I scolded him: "You are a pig's husband..." After scolding me, I really felt like a pig.

45 One of our colleagues said a classic saying to the examiner when he went to take the driving license test:

Report the instrument, the examiner is normal~~~~~~

46 I remember one time, I went to KFC with a girl. While we were waiting in line, I heard her mumbling something: a chicken drumstick burger, a pair of chicken wings..., and finally it was her turn, and she burst out laughing as soon as she started talking. Attracting everyone, she wanted to say "Miss, let's have a chicken drumstick burger", but when she said it she actually said "shank, let's have a hamburger"

47 College classmates were gathering in Forest Park, and everyone was ready when the time came. After dinner, two boys volunteered to go to the canteen to buy beer. The squad leader wanted to remind them to buy beer and cans. Perhaps because they had been chatting about international affairs, the squad leader stood up and shouted: "I want the beer to come from Iraq~~~"

We all poured it down, and the two boys went crazy. . . .

48 MM told me about KFC’s new “bone and meat” (skewered meat with crispy bones) and asked me to take her to eat it. It was extremely hot in Beijing in those days and I felt groggy. When I got to the restaurant, I To the smiling KFC lady: Please give me two "bloody" pieces, thank you! .............

I am so embarrassed -_-!

49 I am always very busy at work. On Valentine's Day, I got off work late and hurriedly went to buy flowers. My wife was cooking at home and waiting for me. She called me and asked me when I would be home. I lied to my wife and said, It still took a long time. When I heard that she hung up the phone not very happily, I thought to myself, I’ll give you a surprise... I bought flowers, hurriedly bought chocolates, and hurriedly went to take a taxi. I couldn’t get a taxi for a long time, and finally found a taxi. When I got home, I hurried upstairs, opened the door quietly, and saw my wife in the kitchen. I felt warm in my heart. I jumped over, held up the flowers, and said to my wife tremblingly and affectionately... Merry Christmas! ! ! ! ! !

At the party, the host said: "Now please enjoy the Xinjiang song and dance - lift your skull."

1. When I was in school, I went home on the weekend and got addicted to cigarettes after dinner. I planned to An excuse to go for a walk. When I was changing my shoes at the door, my dad asked me why I was going there. I said, "Let's go smoke a cigarette!" As a result, my father found a pack of 555 from me and beat me severely. 2. Once I went to my wife's place after leaving my mother's place. When I saw my wife, I habitually called out: "Mom!" 3. When I went to work in the morning, I found that my bicycle was out of gas, so I wanted to ask my mother to push it outside the door to pump some air. And I ended up saying, “Push my tires out.

"My mother was confused. I smiled and quickly corrected it, but the result was: "Pump some gas into my car!" " 4. One time I was driving, and the female colleague sitting next to me suddenly asked: "Why are you driving without a condom? 5. I was in the toilet once and ran out of paper. I said to my wife: "Bring me the paper towel!" 6. A girl was lovelorn. I advised her: "Two-legged toads are hard to find, but there are plenty of three-legged men!" 7. Two people were quarreling, and suddenly a person next to them said: "You are really full and have nothing to do!" " 8. When a colleague was arguing with someone, he opened his mouth in a hurry and said: "Do you think I grew up eating? "I have always wondered what he ate when he grew up. 10. While eating, I read posts and read classics to my wife, which made her laugh to death, so she said to me: "Read it after you have eaten, otherwise your brain will digest it. bad! ” 11. Once I asked a short-sighted person what the degree of his eyes was. He wanted to say 400 degrees, but as soon as he said it, it was 400 watts, which made his stomach hurt! 12. Once the leader of the Education Bureau inspected the recess exercise. After the end, he should have said 400 degrees. The physical education teacher announced the "disbandment", but in a moment of urgency, he forgot the words, held it in for a long time, and shouted: "Retreat! 13. When a student from the Department of Physical Education was taking a practical class, there were many teachers listening to the class. He was so nervous that when he finally wanted to disband the team, his mind went blank for a moment and he muttered: "Attention, everyone, stand at attention!" flash! ! " 14. A group of classmates went to a classmate's house in the suburbs. We bought some watermelons and put them in the kitchen. We asked a classmate to get a knife to cut them. When he came back after a long time, he came back holding a cut melon in his hand. He said in panic: I cut the pumpkin. Everyone laughed wildly, but two seconds later, everyone laughed even more, it turned out that he was holding a winter melon in his hand! 15. There was a teacher in the high school named Jiang who looked exactly like Luo Jiaying (played by Tang Monk in Journey to the West). ), I went to ask him a question and blurted out: "Teacher Tang, this question..." 16. A colleague, one day I was driving on the road and my tire was flat. It's for abortion! ” 17. Once I went to McDonald’s to buy a sweet bucket. When it was finally my turn, I couldn’t wait to say: “Give me two rollers!” "Unexpectedly, the waiter said loudly to me: "Two rollers, four yuan! ” 18. I met a girl I had admired for a long time coming out of the bathhouse. I wanted to get close to her, so I held it in for a long time and said: “You are taking a bath, are there many men in there?” ” 19. Once I went to eat, and when I was paying the bill, a girl said to the boss: “Husband! Checkout! "The boss's wife was nearby at that time... 20. There was a teacher who stayed up all night playing mahjong. When he saw that the blackboard was not wiped, he was furious: "Who is playing banker today? Not even wiping the whiteboard! 21. One time, my uncle saw my sister-in-law applying Dabao and suddenly shouted: "Your skin is so good, why do you still use Hushubao?" " 22. I just bought a house. I called a buddy in excitement and said, 'I bought a house, but it's only a dime (I forgot to mention the word "billet") and I still need to renovate it." The buddy said, "Is there only one toilet?" "Where do you live?" 23. My teacher left me to do my homework. If I couldn't do it, I copied other people's homework. Then I went to the office to hand in my homework. When I saw the teacher, I said, "I finished copying it!" 24. On the day when a certain gentleman took the driver's license test, Extremely nervous. The examiner gave him a hard time and asked him to stop at a place with a fire hydrant on the side of the road. This guy said nervously: "Report the fire hydrant, there is an examiner on the roadside, parking is not allowed!" 25. The company has a dog named: Xiaobai. One day, everyone was playing with the dog. Colleague A took a biscuit and said to the dog: "Xiaobai, you are the only one in the whole office who feeds me." Three seconds later, the whole office burst into laughter!

On the way home, I saw a small stall selling small turtles, and a small sign was erected next to it to attract business. I just heard my classmate read seriously to the small blackboard: "Brazil-xi-little-color-electricity!" Hao...it's obviously a Brazilian little colorful turtle.

Once while queuing up for lunch, a male classmate in front of me turned around and said, "Look, does my chest hair look pretty?" Everyone was shocked. Later I found out that he was going to say: Look at my eyebrows to see if they are fierce or not. I lost my appetite.

When I was working as a cashier, a woman once brought a pack of sanitary napkins to pay. After checking out, I originally wanted to say "please go slowly", but accidentally said "please go slowly". Use "?

I will also tell you something. When I was in high school, a classmate was talking about the situation in the Middle East during a chat, and suddenly he said: Jordanian Hou (monkey) Kingdom Sayin.

Did you burst out laughing?

Once I was caught in tears while talking to my girlfriend, and she pointed at my eyes weirdly and said: What's wrong? I answered innocently: My eyes fell into the sand.

When I was a child, people selling popsicles and ice cream usually pushed bicycles to sell them. Once, I heard an aunt shouting in the house: The new ice cream is hot. (I guess my aunt used to sell fried cakes and dough sticks)

One of my classmates called another friend, and the other friend’s grandfather answered the phone. The classmate didn’t know what he was thinking, so he opened his mouth and said: “Grandpa, this is grandma. ..." Suddenly I felt something was wrong, so I hung up the phone with a bang?

Once, my classmate asked me which department another classmate was in the hospital. I couldn’t remember clearly, and it felt like It's a department of internal medicine and acupuncture, but it turns out she's a doctor of guilt.

My classmate will politely say "Goodbye, Dad" every time before going out. That time she came to my house to play, and before leaving, she also said "Goodbye, Dad."

When I was in college, a classmate was arguing with me. I was at a disadvantage for a moment. In desperation, I slammed the table and stood up and shouted: You are talking nonsense, I am not stupid!

A buddy of mine went on a blind date. When he came back, everyone asked how he was doing. The buddy said: This girl is really rough. At lunch time, two people entered a beef ramen restaurant. The girl said loudly to the chef: Hey, give me 2 bowls~~~. The ramen chef said: Do you want to eat? I poop when I eat. My buddy quickly said: "One bowl, you can just pull one bowl." It is said that everyone in the restaurant laughed out loud~~

When I was in school, the Communist Youth League secretary was very ungrateful. When I joined the Youth League, there was only one girl and me (the kind that were too miserable to watch). When the Youth League Secretary presided over the meeting, he said without hesitation: Today is a happy day for two classmates. The rest of the students all laughed -_-

A semester later, it was this man who presided over the meeting of another classmate. During the joining ceremony, did you say welcome XXX classmate to join our mysterious organization?

I remember going on an outing with my colleagues. My colleagues got married, and then we had a barbecue. My colleagues were very funny. Her husband shouted: Husband, come and peel this green onion~~~~I don’t know if he was too excited or something...The result was: Old green onion~~You come and peel this green onion~~~~

I remember that when I was in junior high school, there was a lesson about the Great Northern Wilderness. The teacher asked us to read the text. There was a sentence: "The big roe deer scooped up the fish with the gourd, and the pheasant flew into the rice pot." But in everyone's eyes, When we were reading together, I clearly heard that my deskmate accidentally made a slip of the tongue and read it as "The big roe deer scooped up the fish with the gourd, and the pheasant flew into the bed." I almost fainted with laughter, but she didn't realize it. She asked seriously. What's wrong with me?

I remember once telling my colleagues in the office that so-and-so looked like a farmer, earthy, naive, and very cute. Everyone said yes, yes, he looked like a farmer, and suddenly the phone rang. Well, the colleague who answered the phone actually said, Hello, farmer! ~