All the comfort of "empathy" is just scratching the surface

The most helpless time is when people vent their emotions to others but do not get the response they want.

I couldn't sleep well last night because I was worried about work. I slept for four hours and still couldn't get rid of my worries until this morning. After struggling internally, I felt I couldn't find an outlet for my emotions, so I chatted with my friends. I thought I had explained clearly what happened and how I felt, and I thought that my friends should do their best to comfort me when I was in pain, so I could comfort myself by reading the words. But the fact is that after sending a long sentence, I got a mild response, and then started talking about other topics. At that time, my mood was extremely low.

How does it feel when no one opens the door when you ask for help?

I thought I would get intense emotions like yelling and swearing from my friends, but I realized that others cannot empathize with your pain. How do you get others to fabricate angry reactions in response?

After receiving the message, I thought for a moment and wrote on my notepad: The older I get, the more I understand that just because you are in pain does not mean that the whole world should cry for you.

1. As you grow up, it is easy to lose your courage to show your sincerity.

In 2013, when I faced my first lovelorn experience in my life, I felt helpless and hesitant. To describe those days as life without love is not an exaggeration at all. I cut my long hair short, suffered from insomnia all night, stopped taking care of myself after getting up, and never looked in the mirror once a week. It wasn't until one day when I was standing in front of the mirror trying on clothes that I realized that I was so haggard that I couldn't bear to look at her more.

You are so ugly, how can you deserve the gentle treatment of the world?

Another night when I woke up from a dream, I sent a message to my friend who was thousands of miles away: I feel very sad, I don’t know why. While waiting for the message, I gradually fell asleep, and the next morning I turned on my phone and saw a message from my friend before going to bed. "Wait for me, I will come by train right away." A night of hard seating made me cry so much when I saw her the next day. The morning I picked her up was the first time I took care of myself in months.

When I saw her following the crowd out of the train station, I knew that there would never be another person in my life who would appear next to me just because of the words "I feel bad". Everyone is very busy.

If you have a friend like this, you should be grateful.

One day three years later, when we mentioned that incident again, we said it as a joke, "I just left to find you. Didn't I do it a long time ago?"

< p> Whenever I think of that incident, I am full of emotion and affection.

Another memorable experience was an online scolding war with a friend when I was a freshman. I can’t even remember how it started. I guess it was caused by gossip again. Inexplicably, the two of them started scolding each other online, which became more and more unpleasant because they were typing very slowly at that time and felt that they were being offended. (Now I know that you should never argue with someone who types faster than you. If you are uneducated, you will lose miserably.) In a moment of excitement, I ran to the girlfriend group of my high school classmates to send a message, saying who So and so scolded me and sent screenshots of the chat history to the group. The girls first made a series of exclamation points, and then started to chatter and curse in the group. The posture was like rolling up their sleeves and fighting. He yelled, "Sister Xue, send me that bitch's number. We are going to scold her. Does she think we are all dead?" ! !

Looking at the messages they replied in the group, I was touched and funny, and actually no longer angry.

It is satisfying to have a group of friends who are always ready to help you fight with hoes.

After many years, it is no matter how difficult it is to meet such a friend, and it is no matter how difficult it is to help others because their ribs will hurt.

We love ourselves more and more than we love others.

2. The most effective medicine to soothe the soul is self-healing

Two months ago, my sister called me to complain about her troubles during that period, saying that she had a quarrel with her brother-in-law. Her family was not harmonious, and her parents often scolded her for trivial matters. She also had many difficulties at work. She felt that her career, love and family were all a headache, and together they would kill her.

I comforted her for a while and found that it had no effect, so I called my mother and asked her to understand my sister's recent situation and not to argue with her all the time. If we both give in, everything can be easily solved.

But my mother's words blocked my mouth. She said: "If she is unhappy, why should the whole family be unhappy with her?" I was surprised when I said this, because as a mother, shouldn't I be considerate of myself? What is your daughter's current condition? Shouldn't there be more comfort? How could such a sentence come out of nowhere?

Even your mother can’t understand and comfort you when you feel extremely painful, let alone your friends?

Many times, things that we think are big things, or obstacles that we really can’t get over, are just trivial things in the eyes of others. Most people’s thoughts are: Isn’t that all there is to it? I don't understand why you are so bitter and resentful. And indeed it is. When you are caught up in emotions, you will infinitely exaggerate your sadness or pain, and then imagine yourself as the victim, immersed in it and unable to extricate yourself.

It’s not that they don’t sympathize with you, they just can’t empathize with you.

When facing emotional obstacles and difficulties, the most effective solution is not to find someone to complain to, but to heal yourself.

The communication of negative emotions not only hurts the poor recipient of your complaints, but for you, it is just a pure vent without any solutions or ways to solve the problem. In other words, it has no other effect except "refreshing". And when you find that the "important person you choose to complain about" does not react as you expected, you will be even more painful and moan "No one in this world loves me".

I have heard many "healing" words. For example: There are always some roads in this life that require a person; in the final analysis, this life is a person's life; we must learn to grow up and endure loneliness... I still feel that the most objective statement is: Of course you are not alone in this world, but When facing emotional disorders, one must endure and resolve them alone. Because no one knows yourself better than you, and no one knows the depth of your feelings better than you.

All the comfort that seems to be "empathic" is nothing more than "another problem". The world is so big, but your heart is the most vast. If you don't plant grass, it will become barren. How can others take care of your own garden?