Drift and stability

Wandering at the age of seventeen is the life I want most.

Anding, I am 27 years old, and my life is now.

Time is a magical thing, it is easy to change. We used to think that our expectations would never change in our lives. Many people who once knew me said, "wake up, I can't imagine you becoming like this." You can't even be sure that you are the same person as when you were young. "In fact, to be honest, I never thought I would become such a sunny woman.

I have thought about countless future lives, but I have never thought about stability. Growing up is really interesting. We used to think that what was engraved in our bones would gradually fade away in the passage of time until it disappeared.

When I was a teenager, I liked Anne's works. Her works are full of depravity, despair, sadness, freedom and uncertainty. When she grows up, she is no longer Anne, but Qingshan. Her words contain wisdom, thinking, introspection and fireworks about life. And I am no longer that self-abased, sensitive, arrogant and paranoid girl. I no longer like black letters, I no longer look up at the sky at a 45-degree angle, and I no longer need the freedom of wandering and wandering that I once longed for. I want to live a quiet life, read, write, grow flowers, see my wife and children and enjoy this comfortable time. My temper has become soft and peaceful, and I like all beautiful things.

When we grow up, we gradually understand that life is actually like this. We are all people from ignorance to maturity and wisdom. Time has left traces on our faces and wisdom in our minds, making us better people.

When I was a child, my tender face was written with disdain and disgust for the world. Don't trust people, don't trust feelings, and have great dissatisfaction with life. Selfish, paranoid, sensitive, always feel sorry for what others say, and even derive a lot of ideas. Hostile to the world, eager to go to a strange place, eager to be loved, and afraid to pay. I will quietly write a love letter to the boy I like, watching him talk to other girls from a distance, afraid to approach. I will be jealous and sad, but I still pretend to be arrogant.

Such days, recalled countless times later, those most primitive emotions turned out to be the purest years of life.

Cry loudly when you are sad. Laugh wantonly when you are happy. When you are excited, run freely. Express your sorrows and joys without scruple. The sadness and joy in the text are so real.

When I grow up, I can't be so presumptuous anymore. Last time I met my pen pal in Hangzhou, I have known him for ten years, and I have been writing to him since then. She said, "wake up, your writing is so peaceful that even sadness is whitewashed, which makes people feel sad."

This is growth, growth has given us a lot of things, but also let us lose a lot. Lost the innocence of youth, lost the right to wanton, lost the right to express sadness and joy. As she said, even sadness is whitewashed and cannot be directly expressed. I don't want anyone to know my inner loneliness and powerlessness more and more.

There is no passion, no fighting spirit, no arrogance and self-righteousness in youth. Stop being naive and become cautious. Sometimes I don't believe that peaceful and quiet woman was like this when she was young. Once, I thought I would be a cosmopolitan person, wandering around and never getting married for freedom.

People who know me will say, "I didn't expect it. It's a miracle that you can settle down. " Yeah, I was thinking, it's a miracle that I can settle down. Regret it? Actually, I don't regret it Life is like this. Every stage of life wants something completely different.

When I was seventeen, I wanted to escape. After the college entrance examination, I gave up the opportunity to go to college. I jumped on the train and went to a strange city. No matter how hard my parents try and how others persuade me, I want to leave and see the outside world.

I have no deep feelings for anyone, including my parents. I hate the bondage of more than ten years. I want to stay away from home and never come back.

Youth is like this, there are always many emotions for no reason, such as rebellion, paranoia and so on.

/kloc-when I was 0/5 years old, I came from a small mountain village to the county seat to attend high school, where I saw a completely different world from the mountain village. I thought I would be happy, because my biggest wish from childhood was to leave the village and see the world outside the village. After I came out, I found that I was not happy, and the outside world was not as beautiful as I thought.

I changed from a top student to a bottom student, ignored by the teacher, and gradually felt inferior in my heart. The huge gap with urban children makes me sensitive and introverted. I began to hate this place and yearn for a longer distance, thinking that I could get rid of this situation and live a better life if I fled here.

For three years in high school, I have been planning that escape, looking forward to graduation. Because of my inner inferiority, I became arrogant and eccentric. Poor relationship with classmates, isolation, verbal discord, and fights with classmates. Became a bad boy in the eyes of classmates and teachers, was given up by teachers, his grades became worse, he was unpopular, and he gave up himself in great disappointment. Confronted with teachers, completely isolated from classmates, living alone in their own world.

When there is no hope in life, there is always a need to find a reason to continue living. I began to write novels, saving my fallen soul with words and making my spirit not empty. Start reading novels all night or sitting in the small library at the door all day. Read other people's stories and write your own in a notebook.

Words let my inner sadness have an outlet, let me find a home, and I can always find some happiness when writing.

It was at that time that I met Annie Baby. In the following years, I always liked her writing. She accompanied me from that sensitive and inferior girl to a quiet and peaceful middle-aged woman.

Her words seem to have some magic, such as pointing directly at people's hearts through disguise, exposing all our hidden desires. There is pain and sadness in the words, and it also brings infinite hope.

I remember Anne writing: "I think I am probably the kind of person who is destined to abandon my hometown and walk side by side on the road."

I always feel that the kind of person written in her book is me. On that day, I wrote in my diary: "Maybe there is a restless factor in my blood. When I was a child, I always wanted to climb that mountain and see the world outside. " Only when I came to the town did I know that this life did not belong to me. Too many fetters, like a cage, are disliked, ignored and nobody cares, just like that willow tree. Longing for greater freedom, walking alone between heaven and earth, maybe that kind of life belongs to me. "

At that time, many people liked Jing M Guo, Rao Xueman and Han Han, but I liked Annie alone. I like the woman who wears sneakers barefoot in her story, the distance in her story, and the ambiguous love between women in her story. I like the sentences in her book and the stories she tells. She is like an invisible friend who accompanied me through that dark youth.

I thought I would spend my youth alone, and he appeared in my life. He is like the man in Annie's book. He has a nice name called pine nuts. He can wear the feeling of a prince in a school uniform. He doesn't like talking When he smiles, his eyes are sparkling and beautiful, and it's easy for a person to sink in. Have a good family background, have the pride of children in the city, look very proud, full of gas field. There are many girls who like him, and he also has a beautiful and lovely girlfriend. When he is with her, he will show tenderness and spoil.

He became my deskmate when I was a sophomore, and our relationship was better than any of my deskmates. He will tell me jokes, and we will write jokes about teachers in our notebooks in class. Sometimes he will be laughed at by me secretly, his eyelashes will beat in the sun, and then my heart will beat with him.

He said, "You are a smart woman. No one in the class is as clever as you. You will get good grades if you study hard. "

He said, "wake up, this math problem is so difficult that you can work it out in one minute." I admire you. "

He said, "wake up, the story you wrote is really beautiful." You will be a writer in the future. "

He is like this. He gave me hope when I was abandoned by everyone. I still remember the way he said these words, serious and serious. Makes me want to laugh.

I try to study, recite and do problems with him. It's handsome to see him sitting and doing his homework. His heart beats irregularly. The world is no longer silent, but full of hope.

I got in the top 20 in the mid-term exam, and everyone was surprised. Only he said to me, "wake up, look, I said you are extremely smart, right?" If you work hard, you can be admitted to Peking University. "His eyes sparkled and lit up my way forward.

But fairness never seems to exist, and prejudice can really destroy a person easily. I thought the teacher would praise my progress, but I didn't expect more humiliation waiting for me. The teacher stood in front of me and asked me why I cheated in the exam. In his mind, I only deserve to be a poor student, born dull, and good grades must be plagiarism. My inner grievances flooded me, and everyone was waiting to see my jokes. I saw the smile in their eyes. He held back the tears in his eyes, raised his proud head and said, "I can't be a good student in your eyes after all." All my efforts are a joke. I just plagiarized. " Then he turned and left the classroom.

When I grew up, this scene kept appearing in my dreams, accompanied by him, the boy who moved me, the boy who once gave me warmth and hope.

I remember that day I heard him stand up and say, "Teacher, I believe she didn't copy." Everyone looked at him meaningfully. The teacher said impatiently, "Look how much you have regressed. Mind your own business. " He just stared at the teacher and repeated, "I believe she didn't copy."

I will always remember his voice. The weather is warm and pleasant. I didn't understand why he protected me, and then I asked after we separated. Maybe he just meant well.

After that day, the class began to spread gossip about us. I saw him trying to explain to his girlfriend, constantly going in and out of the teacher's office, and coming back depressed.

Someone joked with him in class: "pine nuts, wake up, I like you." I heard him reply angrily, "She likes you."

At that moment, I knew that even he didn't really care about me. I am like a joke, and it is a shame to be liked by me. I once again returned to a person's world, moved away from him and sat alone in the corner of the last row of the classroom by the window.

I looked at myself in the mirror that day. I smiled, laughed and cried. The girl in the mirror is tall, thin, hunchbacked, with dry and yellow skin, and her clothes seem to hang on her body, without any aesthetic feeling. There is gloom in the eyes, drooping corners of the mouth, and deep hatred. You don't like such a woman, let alone others. Maybe you're destined to be alone all your life.

Since then, I am more eager for the outside world. I never spoke to him again before graduation. Occasionally, when my eyes meet, I will pretend to turn around and not care. I know I still like him, and my heart will feel subtle pain because I miss him many nights.

My long-awaited graduation ceremony has finally arrived, and my classmates are busy writing alumni records and taking photos, which seems to have nothing to do with me.

My classmate recorded his message alone, with a sentence written on it. I hope you can be happy in the future. Pine nuts.

I cried when I looked at that sentence, and I was a little reluctant to part with him. I don't know when we will meet again today, but I know that he and I are from two different worlds and there will be no result.

On the second day after graduation, I left the city and came to Chang 'an, a city full of stories, alone with longing for a new world. I sent him a short message in the car: "pine nuts, thank you for your trust and warmth." I will always remember you. "

The message didn't get a response, and all the youth was over that day.

We always think that happiness is far away, and then gradually understand that what we are chasing is only our own imagination and desire.

/kloc-After 0/7 years old, I lived the life I wanted. Over this mountain, I escaped from the city that made me hard to breathe, ending the depressing and boring school life. When I came to this bustling city alone, I thought it would be my home and I could get the freedom I wanted. However, after the prosperity was exhausted, I realized that the freedom of this world is never far away, just in my heart.

After leaving home, I have been to many places, from Chang 'an to Shanghai, to Nanjing, Suzhou, Tianjin, Ningxia, Xiamen, and finally back to Chang 'an.

A person appears in a strange city, with no friends or relatives. The world is surrounded by loneliness. When it's cold, you can only hug yourself. You can only laugh alone when you are happy. At night, the house is very quiet and cold, and the body easily loses its temperature. Lying in the quilt, I feel inexplicably sad.

Nobody cares, nobody cares, nobody cares, really free, really lonely. Every city has its own customs, but when a person looks at it, his heart is full of loneliness and the scenery has lost its color. Life is hard, and I have done a lot of work. Restaurant waiters, bar salesmen, salesmen and tax collectors all have no technical content, low wages and long working hours, so they can only compromise to make a living.

Can't settle down, always change jobs frequently, get along with people, and become more silent. Apart from my commitment at work, I hardly communicate with people. The last sustenance of this world is writing, writing stories in my blog in the middle of the night and writing about these years.

At that time, I often doubted the meaning of living. After experiencing great disappointment and gap, I have no expectation for life, always longing for death and being isolated forever.

Sometimes, I will send an email to pine nuts: "I am in Chang 'an, where there are mottled city walls, a thousand-year-old drum tower, and the city has historical vicissitudes." "What are you doing? I often think of you. I am alone. "

I heard that Matsuko was admitted to the military school, but I never asked. Habitually send him an email.

He writes back occasionally. There are only four words every time, "wake up, okay." There is nothing else to say. I went to his city that year and stood at the gate of his school for a long time, but I didn't have the courage to meet him after all.

There is a saying that it is better to miss each other than to meet. Maybe it's better to keep this feeling in your heart. Sometimes, I always think that maybe pine nuts once liked me. But it doesn't seem to matter anymore. We are just two parallel lines that will never intersect.

At the age of 22, I wandered for four years and returned to Chang 'an again, travel-stained and weather-beaten. The family began to urge marriage, and every time I went home, someone always came to protect the media. Looking at the crowds coming and going, my heart is mixed. It's really tiring to wander alone these years. Maybe having a home is a good choice.

I am determined to leave home, go to Medog and come back to get married on a blind date. At this time, my long hair is fluttering, and I am no longer the tomboy when I was young. After the polishing of life, I gradually matured. The gloom on his face has dissipated and replaced by a gentle smile. Finally, I look like a girl. On the day I left, I sent an email to Matsuko for the last time: "Matsuko, I'm getting married, and I won't send you an email in the future." May you be happy. "I posted a photo of my waist-long hair behind, and I smiled like a flower in the photo.

Pine nuts didn't reply that day. I thought it was fine, so I put it down and went back to life.

On the day I went to Medog, the weather was fine and the wind blew a little on my face. It should be autumn in a few days! I packed my bags and set out from the county seat. Back to the city where I wanted to escape, I felt a lot of emotions inside.

Memories about here have been opened again, but not so unbearable and sad, just a little sad.

This is growth. We should bid farewell to the past and move on.

Maybe everything in this world really has a destiny, just like when I was about to get married, I met Jacky. It was on the train to Tibet. He sat next to me with a book in his hand. The noise on the train seems to have nothing to do with him, and the focus is moving. He has beautiful hands with long fingers. When he holds a book, his joints turn white. Suddenly I really want to hold those hands, intertwine with his fingers and feel the temperature of his palms.

When I turned to look at him, I met his eyes. He smiled and said, "Girl, what are you staring at me?" I didn't expect him to be more direct than me. I can only pretend to be serious and say, "What are you looking at? Can I borrow it? " He smiled meaningfully and said, "That's a good excuse."

I suddenly don't know how to respond. Over the years, I have met many men, but I have never seen such an interesting man as him. I felt thirsty when I saw his tight lips.

This is the first time I have met Jacky, and I have all kinds of abnormal physiological reactions to him.

So we got to know each other and went all the way to Tibet. Who knows, just arrived in Tibet, I rebelled and went to the hospital. Jacky, who was dragged into the water, gave up all her plans and stayed with me day and night. When I was discharged from the hospital, it was already a week later. The plan to go to Medog ran aground like that, and my body could not support the bumpy road.

I always remember the days when he took care of a strange woman. On the day of discharge, he washed my hair in the yard of a small hotel in Yongbulakang, and my fingers were intertwined with my long hair. At that moment, I decided to marry him and spend my life with him.

On the day of recovery, I confessed to her. I said, "I don't know how to repay you for taking care of me." What do you think if you don't promise yourself? " He really pulled me into his arms, put his lips on my forehead and said, "Good, good."

In this way, I became Jacky's girlfriend. I went back to Chang 'an with him because he began to settle down and stopped wandering.

Marry him at 23.

At the age of 24, he gave birth to a handsome boy.

At the age of 25, she started writing full-time.

27 years old, guarding his wife and children, choosing a small town and living an ordinary and stable life.

I used to think that freedom was between heaven and earth. Until now, I realized that true freedom is the freedom of the mind. It's inner peace.

I still dream about that summer, and pine nuts say, "I believe her." How long has it been since I last saw him? It should be ten years! I seem to have forgotten the appearance of pine nuts. But he will still appear in my dreams.

Until one day I saw this sentence, "I was not thinking about you, but about your youth." Maybe pine nuts are my youth! Jacky is my future, and I would do anything for him.

The years of youth are drifting away, and we will eventually become different from what we imagined. Life experiences ups and downs, and the final stability is the truest happiness.

Seventeen years old, trying to escape.

Twenty-seven years old wants to settle down.

Actually, this is growth.

-End-?