Completely cure your anxiety when tutoring your children with homework

The anxiety of helping children with their homework is everywhere. I thought that a heart attack or something was just a joke, but now that I have entered this circle, it is not surprising.

......

"The homework is his own, and we parents will play a supporting role. Don't be so anxious!"

"Don't he have to write?" Okay?”

“Is writing something prescribed by the teacher?”

“Yes! It’s just that the teacher didn’t make it clear.”

< p> "...This makes sense...but after a year of schooling, why do I still cry when I write an assignment, feeling as uncomfortable as being punished?"

"It only happens when you are reciting, and you only recite on weekends when you have a rest."

"Then why is it like this when reciting? It's been like this for almost a year? There must be something better. There is a way!"

"Just listen to the child, after all, we have experienced it, at least we can tell him how to learn"

"This, too! But we still have to take it slow! Come on, there are too many restrictions in front of you, but the resistance is even greater.”

“It’s already slow enough. I can’t even memorize such a simple text for half an hour!”

…

Every time I see my wife’s anxiety when tutoring her homework, I always get involved unconsciously.

My intention is to convey some ideas to my wife: Homework is the child's own business. Give him enough decision-making power, don't turn it into his own business, and give the child time to grow...

There is nothing wrong with these concepts in themselves, but during discussions, it is always difficult to reach agreement because of different perspectives and different ways of looking at problems.

My original intention was to relieve my wife’s anxiety, but I was easily overwhelmed by this anxiety and often fell into endless discussions.

In order to find out whether the above concept worked, I rushed home from the work early for three consecutive days to tutor Zhuangzhuang’s homework.

——For this reason, I also wrote two articles "Homework with Constant Conflicts (Those who have experienced it please come in)" and "Why Do I Feel So Unconscious about Homework".

——According to the requirements of thick lines, children can easily complete their homework with high efficiency and happy mood. I don’t think there is any need to push too hard on individual flaws. For example, certain words are not written according to the teacher’s requirements, recitation is not familiar, and there are too many small movements when doing homework... These "problems" that can easily cause anxiety can be found in It's not a problem for me here.

The premise for me to do this is: I firmly believe that the subject of learning is the child, and as long as he thinks there is no problem, everything will be OK.

First, men’s characteristics are rough and they will not pick on the finer parts of their children;

Second, I firmly believe that learning is a gradual process, and I must first ensure that I can write , be able to write, memorize, and take care of children's interests first; then gradually add more emphasis, and finally make requirements in a more refined direction;

Thirdly, for homework, parents only play a supporting role, and must avoid taking over the priority. .

Facts have proved that in the past few days when I tutored children, Zhuangzhuang was undoubtedly the most efficient, and he was happier and more relaxed.

First, relying too much on children’s own consciousness cannot better urge children to do things better. People’s own laziness will make children more lazy and unconsciously reduce their trust in themselves.

Secondly, this casual approach will only make children develop a bad habit at the beginning of their studies, such as irregular writing, too casual reciting of texts, and many minor problems;< /p>

Third, learning itself is a painful thing, and there is no such thing as happy learning.

——As for the question of whether learning is happy, I have a detailed explanation in "Happy learning does not exist, but it does not have to be painful".

I don’t know why, but I have never advocated the “happy learning theory”. As long as I mention “parents should think deeply about their own education methods”, many people, especially my wife, will think that I am advocating the “happy learning theory”. Education", so he attacked fiercely based on this! ——

In fact, the focus of our debate is: Do children have the ability to learn spontaneously? Do we believe that human nature is good or that human nature is inherently evil?

In this way, the problem has reached a higher level. It is no wonder that we are always discussing endlessly but can never reach an agreement.

This question confuses even philosophers! The two of us could only make weak adjustments through constant discussions.

Looking at the process of tutoring children's homework from the perspective of a bystander, it is always clear.

But when I go deep into it, I am always unable to think rationally because of my various anxieties.

We are afraid of the unknown, so we dare not slack off at all.

We are obsessed with the inherent model, so we cannot accept a more challenging but better model.

In fact, the fundamental problem is that our vision is not broad enough and the pattern is too small.

To put it bluntly, we read too little! !

Although today’s parents have a relatively high level of education, apart from textbooks, how many of us who have come out of exam-oriented education have read classic works of human thought? How many people have thought deeply about “family education” that they don’t understand at all?

To put it bluntly, based on our "ignorance", we will naturally cling to the same thinking pattern as those around us. Because that's the safest.

Parents love their minds too much and always hope to get "instant positive feedback" from their children - as soon as they put pressure on their children, they will obediently do good things according to their own will.

The so-called accompanying children to do homework is actually monitoring and forcing children to do homework.

This approach of parents seriously destroys the child's self-awareness, and the effective link between the child and learning is cut off. Too much energy is lost in this pull, which seriously hinders the efficiency of learning.

The fundamental question here is, do you believe in your own mind or your child’s spontaneous motivation?

"Which parent in the world doesn't love their children?" The implication is that strict discipline is for the good of the child, and all kinds of persecution and supervision are done so that he can make a difference in the future.

But since we love our children so much, why can’t we constantly reflect and learn when we encounter problems?

Many parents who are worried about their children’s homework will blatantly claim that their children’s problems are their own for various reasons: they have no choice, their children are not living up to expectations, no matter whether they can do it or not...

But when the problem still cannot be effectively solved, or even gets worse, the vast majority of parents still stubbornly believe that their methods are effective, but they are not strong enough. So there will be more restrictions, and the children will be more noisy, but the problem is still not solved, and then the parents will continue to increase the intensity...

Are such parents embarrassed to say that they love their children? !

When we continue to violate our children's "boundaries", can't we feel our children's pain? Since something as simple as homework will eventually lead to a lose-lose situation, isn't it worthy of reflection by parents?

Unfortunately, when we are trapped in a certain thinking mode, it is easy to fall in love with this mode. Even if it is invalid, we will try every means to convince ourselves of this method. Correctness.

——When the child used a difficult word when forming a word, the child had decided to solve the problem by looking it up in the dictionary, but the mother tried every means to persuade the child to give up this idea and write a Simple words are enough...

- When a child shakes his body unconsciously to relieve his inner anxiety when he encounters difficulties, the mother ignores the child's emotions and just reminds the child blindly. Concentrate on studying, because my mother thinks that small actions are not serious but ignore the greater impulse in the heart...

...

We often lament that persuading someone is better than taking money from other people's pockets. It’s difficult, and that’s why.

However, we should never forget the most fundamental thing:

It is impossible for a student to fall in love with learning if he does not have sufficient freedom to even solve the most basic homework problems; just like We have no will of our own at work. The boss tries to control and supervise everything about you, and we will only be bored with our work.

However, facing such a boss, we can still resign and leave; as for a child, can he choose his parents?

Having "independence" is a basic need for a person. Only in this way can he feel his own existence and realize his own value. Studying under high pressure will only make it more difficult for children in the future, because parents use this method to successfully turn homework into their own affairs.

The fundamental problem why parents can accuse their children unscrupulously is that their children’s boundaries are easily breached. If you don’t believe me and point out others, you will only receive cold looks!

Some parents are also very clear that learning is their children’s business, and parents only play a supporting role.

But if you say this, when you really tutor your children, you will be afraid of being criticized by the teacher because of your own anxiety and distrust of your children. criticism.

The fundamental problem is still not believing that learning is the child’s business, and the child’s boundaries are easily violated, so he oversteps his authority time and time again and successfully transforms the child’s business into his own.

In fact, it doesn’t matter how many times the teacher criticizes them. A child who can learn consciously cannot learn poorly, and there is no child who studies well who needs his parents to keep an eye on him!

Some parents may say that first and second grade are critical periods for children to develop good habits.

But the problem is that not rejecting or hating homework is the most basic requirement for cultivating good habits. If even this cannot be satisfied, what is the meaning of other so-called homework completion and neat writing?

If a child does not even have the right to freely arrange homework, it is arranged by the parents - within the specified time, according to the established steps, and must complete the homework before doing it!

Will children feel that homework is their own business?

It’s all wrong at the source, and no amount of preaching later can prove that you want to work hard not to violate your child’s boundaries.

Your behavior has betrayed you!

If the child is not given this opportunity when he needs to have the final say most, then he may become less and less capable of developing good study habits later on.

The so-called good study habits are that parents of first and second graders should keep in mind their responsibilities - just to assist their children in learning, and not to cross borders and do undesirable and thankless things. The ultimate goal is for children to fully understand that learning is their unshirkable obligation, just like parents who have to go to work.

In this way, on the one hand, we return what belongs to the child to him, and on the other hand, the child also has a complete sense of control over his own affairs. Only when you have a sense of control will you be motivated to learn. Otherwise, your children will be studying for parents who have a sense of control, which is naturally the least motivating thing.