Classic joke

People who can tell jokes are people with a sense of humor, and the possibility of suffering from depression is greatly reduced. Let's take a look at my collection of classic cold jokes and your humor index!

1, q: Xiaoming is in hospital, and his friends went to see him, and the doctor was there. They talked for a while, and then their friend left, but the doctor followed his friend. Why? A: Friends go with doctors.

2. The priest asked his parishioners, "What do you want others to say when you are lying in the coffin?" One person said, "I hope others will say that I am a family-oriented person." Another person said, "I hope others will say that I am helpful." The third man said, "I hope others will say,' Look, he seems to be moving!'" " "

3. An office worker has to go to the19th floor because of something urgent. Then he got into the elevator and pressed 1 1 and 9, thinking: Our financial channel is 19, so we should press 1 first and then press 9.

4. "I just chatted with my roommate Xiaobai about things on weekdays, thinking that if I could have such leisure every day, it would be great to say to Miyamoto, who rarely rests on weekdays." "Speak human words!" "I don't want to go to class."

5.sin said to cos: although we are in love, I always feel wrong. Cos said, what's the matter? Xin said: I always feel that we are in a love triangle.

6. One day, Cao Cao had another headache. Cao Mu and Cao Pi went to visit him together. Cao Mu said in a hurry, "Go to the imperial doctor Hua Tuo!" Cao Pi turned around and said, "My dad just killed him ..."

7. Which ancient figure was a white-collar worker? Meng Mu's Three Movements (Thousands)

When winter came, I decided to keep the habit of taking a cold bath, but after washing, I found myself back to my childhood! ! !

9. One day, Xiao Qiang asked his father, "Dad, am I a stupid child?" Dad said, "Silly boy, how can you be a silly boy?"

10. When will Taiwan Province Province be reunified? When buying instant noodles!

1 1. The matchstick suddenly felt itchy, so I reached out and scratched it, and I burned myself to death …

There is a duck named Xiao Huang. One day he was hit by a car. He shouted, "Gung!" From then on, he became a cucumber!

13. Is jiaozi a boy or a girl? Answer: Boys, because jiaozi has a foreskin!

14, the wolf said, "I will eat you!" " "Guess what? As a result, the wolf ate the lamb.

15, two tomatoes crossed the road, a car sped by, one of them couldn't escape and was squashed, and the other tomato pointed at the squashed tomato and smiled: Wow, hahaha, ketchup ...

16, a male deer, it walked faster and faster, and finally became a highway (deer)!

17, Hua, some people call her Xiao Gu, some people call her Gu, and some people call her Qian Gu Girl. Why doesn't anyone call her flower girl?

18. When I go home for the Spring Festival, I will sit and chat with my friends. When they speak, they are talking about hundreds of thousands of incomes, tens of millions or even hundreds of millions of incomes. I can't get a word in. I walked silently to the lottery shop, bought a two-color ball for two yuan, and then walked back. I have 5 million in my hand, and now I finally have the confidence to see who can blow it!

19, I just saw a handsome guy. We just stared at each other silently, and time seemed to stand still ... until I put down my arm with the mirror.

20. At the entrance of the kindergarten, I saw a teacher, holding a little girl, coming out of the school and greeting a lady. The lady responded while rummaging through her bag, looking for something ... The little girl let go of the teacher's hand and said to the lady: Mom, did you leave your pick-up card at home again? You said that you are so old, why don't you let people worry! Then go back and tell her teacher, Miss Zhu, my mother forgot to bring her card again. Can I bring it to you tomorrow? Really can't. I put my mother here. I'll go back and get it ...

2 1, I remember visiting my colleagues in summer. During my nap, my colleague asked me if I needed a blanket or something. I said: I just need to cover my navel! My colleague immediately took out a piece of glasses cloth from the glasses case and gave it to me.

22. I cried my husband last night! The reason is that I think he is wordy. In a rage, he broke out and threw his mobile phone on the front glass and broke it. He is worried about money! I also said that "there is only one thing in this world that can't be returned, and there is nothing that can't be passed." I'm drunk too!

23. I caught a cold and went to the hospital to hang water. A young mother came to the bed next door, holding an eight or nine-year-old boy. They both seem to have caught a cold. After a while, the nurse came over, gave her son a good needle and went to her mother. Mother stepped back in fear and shouted, son, I'm afraid. Can I not have an injection? The little boy said helplessly: no, I have to get an injection if I have a cold! Mom, be good, close your eyes, and you'll be fine in a minute ... it doesn't hurt at all. ...

24. When eating, grandpa looked for a spoon for a long time. Grandma told him where it was, but he still couldn't find it. Grandma said helplessly to grandpa, "What are your eyes for?" ! "Grandpa smiled and replied," For you. " I'm listening, one leng one leng!

25. Someone is getting married at the door. Grandma went to see the bride. I asked her if she was beautiful. Grandma said, "It's not very beautiful, and her face is too sharp. If only I could have a pie face like you. " This must be a compliment! ! !

26. What is a scheming bitch? It's just that a group of colleagues asked to sing, but I said no. As a result, the other two in the office said we wouldn't, and we had an appointment to play. As a result, there is now a Qinghai-Tibet Plateau, for whom a singer is playing with my mobile phone.

27. I am a technician in our company. I have been in business for more than ten years. I received a new female apprentice two months ago. I am very lively. Today I asked curiously: Master, you have worked for so many years. Are there too many apprentices? I didn't think: two. She actually asked: Who is the first one? I said: the Monkey King! Her eyes are full of murderous look, chasing me for a long time!

28. On WeChat that day, I sent a message to a strange MM: "Beauty, come out to play?" "Sick!" "Forget it, I wish you a speedy recovery!"

29. My son took a fancy to war movies these two days, and just came home today, my son actually said to me: Stop, which district are you from? I said: I am your father! The son said: dog traitor, don't get involved with me!

30. The young man went to visit the Zen master and asked, "Is there any trick to get something for nothing?" The Zen master took the young man to the pigsty, and the young man suddenly realized, "You mean I should steal these pigs and sell them so that I can have money?" The Zen master said, "I mean, you are a pig brain." If there is such a good thing, will I tell you? "

3 1. Dad asked his son: Why do Haier brothers only wear underwear? Son: No Q coins.

32. When my brother-in-law came home drunk at night, my sister was very angry, but she couldn't get angry with the drunk, so she put lipstick on herself and kissed some marks on her sleeping husband's neck and face. When my brother-in-law woke up the next day, my sister began to quarrel with him and asked him where he had been fooling around yesterday. Mother-in-law came to stop the fight and saw the lipstick mark on her son's face, which was a slap. In the next few days, my brother-in-law tried to remember what he did that night.

33. A woman was lovelorn and cried' very sad'. All her friends were comforting her, only to know later that she and her boyfriend had gone out to get a room and slept in the middle. Her boyfriend woke her up with tears in his eyes and said, I miss my mother. Want to go home.

34. The happiest thing every day is to watch my wife hit her face with lotion in the morning. Bang, bang, bang, bang, that's cool. While listening, I said to myself, "I told you to wash my socks, let me pick up the children, tell you not to let me drink, tell you not to let me play games, fight, fight, and fight for me!"

35. A man and a woman bicker every day. One day, the woman said to the man, "Let's call a truce!" " Man: "A truce? How to stop? " Woman: "Let's follow the historical practice!" Man: "Kiss?"

36. When I was young, my brother and I were going to steal money to buy some food. As soon as my parents found out, they asked us to resume the offer. I pointed to fifty yuan and said, "Look, let's buy something to eat." The goods actually came to a sentence: "No, brother, we can't do this!" "

37. Later, he began to talk about my horrible past. When I was eight, I slept alone at night. I feel runny nose in the middle of the night, so I rub against the wall one by one. Too much, and I was sleepy, so I wiped it on the quilt. In the morning, my father asked me to eat. As soon as I lifted the quilt, I got scared. There is blood on the wall and on my face. Ask father's psychological shadow area at that time. All I know is that I was awakened by my mother's crying.

Although I am a rich second generation, I work to earn money by myself. Although I can drive a luxury car, I squeeze into the subway every day. Although you can live in a mansion, you rent a rental house. Although you can have a luxurious meal, you can eat a roadside stall. Life is so hard! This is the difference between me and though!

39. I'm not the kind of girl who has to think about it for a long time after spending 500 yuan. I have to think about it for fifty cents now!

40. On the table next to the dining room, a pupil excitedly told his mother that the school had won a prize. His mother asked several people in the class to receive the prize, and the boys said there were more than twenty. His mother said that more than half of them won the prize, so you are happy. The boy suddenly felt surprised and lost. After thinking for a long time, he said that no one understood. What a familiar scene. Starting today, he began to lose the ability to build a life with his thoughts. From then on, joy should be established because he is better than others, and sorrow should be alleviated because others are worse than themselves.

4 1, one night the earthquake, the beautiful police flower woke up from her dream and ran to the open space of the community with her dog. After the earthquake, she found that her gun was still at home, so he asked her dog to look in the ruins. Her dog sniffed her thigh and got into the ruins, and soon came out with a baton in his mouth!

42. Drink with the leader after work. Leader: "In any case, I can't be brothers with my subordinates, otherwise many things will be difficult." A colleague took it: "That can be a lover."

43. On the way home, Xiaolizi accidentally dropped the golden statuette she got into the river. Just when she was extremely anxious, a river god surfaced: "Is this little iron man yours?" ? Xiao Lizi shook her head: "Is this little copper man yours?" Xiao Lizi shook her head: "Is this little silver man yours?" Small every day and shook his head. The river god said, "You are an honest boy. Bye. "

44. As soon as the second child policy was introduced, my girlfriend asked me: If your mother and I were confined together, who would you take care of first? Me. . .

45. Today, a new colleague came to the company and greeted me out of the courtesy of the newcomer. "Hello, my name is Ma, and I see cattle, sheep and horses when the wind blows." Yo! Isn't this a challenge to me? I said, "Hello, my name is Bai, red, orange, yellow, green, blue and purple.

46. I fished all day yesterday and caught a little thing. Feeling humiliated, I bought two fish at the vegetable market and went home. The family had a good time and praised them, saying that wild fish was really better than the fish they bought!

47. Bored in the office at noon. I cut my own bangs and went home from work to tell my husband, where is my bangs? Husband: That's it. Me: I didn't go outside to cut it. I cut it myself and didn't spend a penny. Husband: Well, why didn't you say so earlier? Nice cut.

48. "There are caterpillars in vegetables and barbed wire in vermicelli. Is this fishing? Or feed the fish? "

49. One day, a family caught fire, and both parents escaped, leaving only one son inside. Mother shouted nervously outside the house, "son, what are you doing?" You won't come out after the fire ... "The son replied," I'm wearing socks ... "The mother said," What socks are you wearing after the fire? " Five minutes later, my son hasn't come out yet ... The mother shouted nervously, "Son, what are you doing?" Come out ~ There's a fire, and you're still inside ... "The son said," I'm taking off my socks ...

50. Q: Why can't you tell cold jokes at the seaside? Answer: It should make the sea laugh (whistle).

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