What are the latest funny quotations?

1 In the evening, my dad and some friends went for a drink. In the middle of the drink, a man climbed out from under the tablecloth. He was so scared that the table was full of words, only to hear the buddy say, don't be afraid, he didn't leave after drinking too much at noon. you can continue ...

2. The teacher asked to write a composition entitled "A Corner of Campus" to describe the scenery of a certain place on campus. I'm sure everyone wrote it when they were young. Brother loafer wrote: I found a dime when I was playing on campus today. This is a corner of the campus. I can't stand it. . .

I lost money again today, thinking about the last time I lost money. I lost 300 yuan when I got off the taxi in summer. A young man in the back told me that it was picked up by a middle-aged woman riding a bicycle in front. I saw her stuffing money into her underwear on the way after her, and I was speechless.

The two old neighbors are twins, 68 years old, surnamed Wei. At that time, the countryside was poor, and parents wanted their children to have money, so they named them, giving birth to gold and giving birth to silver. Wei, sanitary napkins ... someone asked him how he got the name. He said that he didn't have sanitary napkins when he was named, and now he doesn't change them when he is old.

Although the news of "suspected cannibalism zombies" has emerged endlessly recently, I still feel weak compared with my aunt who cooks in the university cafeteria. When I was in college, there were two groups of aunts fighting for food. One group will ask you with a smile, "What classmates do you want to eat?" The other school will say impatiently, "So many people, which one do you want to eat?"

6. My boyfriend taught his girlfriend to drive and pointed to the car and said, "This is the gear lever, the brake in the middle and the accelerator on the right ..." His girlfriend said angrily, "Don't talk so much at once, okay? Teach me to drive first, and then teach others slowly! "

Xiao Ming said to his little friend, "My father is fierce and can hit people, but my mother never hits me." The little friend said enviously, "Then your mother must love you very much." Xiao Ming replied bitterly: "Not necessarily, as long as I don't obey, my mother will give me to my father."

8. When I was shopping with a buddy, I saw a beautiful woman in front of me suddenly dancing, jumping and screaming. My buddy turned to me and said, let's go. The woman in front of me is a psycho. I said no, look what happened. Why did she suddenly go crazy? My buddy whispered to me, "Run!" I just threw a cigarette butt on her head and fell into the back collar. ...

9. I used to go out to eat with my best friend's boyfriend, but I quarreled with my boyfriend because of trivial matters. I yelled at my boyfriend. If you do this to me, I will make you regret it! My best friend said for me: Yes, marry him! Let him suffer for life! ..... who are you helping, sister? ...

10, M: I like you, can you be my girlfriend? W: But I already have a boyfriend. M: That's all right. I can wait. W: You don't have to wait. I won't be sorry for my boyfriend. M: What if my boyfriend likes others? Woman: No way. He is not interested in other women. M: I know, but he is very interested in me recently.

1 1. I just took out five dollars to buy water and ran away without catching a gust of wind. I couldn't find it anywhere, so I calmly took out five dollars and threw it away on purpose to see where the wind was blowing ... so I lost ten dollars.

12, I just went to the supermarket to buy cigarettes and bought a popsicle at random. At this time, a little girl next to me kept looking at the popsicle in my hand. I immediately asked, Miss Jie, do you want to eat? What the little girl said. I said, then you call it nice. The little girl said her husband without hesitation! ! ! !

13. A certain gentleman likes the piano very much, but he has made no achievements for many years. One day, he knelt before God and prayed, God, please let me be like Beethoven, even if only a little! A few days later, he became deaf …

14, went to the bank to do business this morning. I heard a woman yelling at the lobby manager ... I'll report the loss myself and return it. Do you know how precious my time is? Can't I send someone with my ID card? Is the bank so humanized? Go ahead. What documents do you need to prove that I don't have to come by myself? I can get everything. I guess the lobby manager is very angry. .....................................................................................................................................................................

15, in high school, I was the last in my class. I've never been to school, and I've been in Internet cafes all day. But the strange thing is that he comes to every exam and is never absent. Later, we found that the penultimate in the class would go to the Internet cafe to give the penultimate 10 yuan to take the exam before each exam. .

16, once I was on a bus, I met a child and asked me, "What do you mean by weak?" I ignored him. He turned to ask his mother again, and her mother replied, "It means retarded." As a result, the child looked around and said to me, "Uncle, sit down ..."

17, stomach upset, ran to the school hospital. I said, doctor, my stomach is swollen! Doctor: Open your mouth and see. When bored, ask: Do you see tongue coating? Doctor: Look at your teeth. Doctor: Good teeth are really good.

18, when a woman filled in the household registration form, she filled in "10" in the column of "number of children" and only "bumper harvest" in the column of "name of children". After reading it, the household registration clerk asked the woman to fill in the names of all the children. Woman: Ten children are called "Harvest". Registrar: Then what do you call them? W: Their surnames are all different.

19, I went to my buddy's house to play one day. His 3-year-old son was watching the Journey to the West when he suddenly asked, Dad, did I fly out of a stone like the Monkey King? I only heard my stupid friend unwilling to say, how can you have that skill? Your father dug a hole and you climbed out by yourself. As soon as I spoke, a pillow flew to my buddy's face. ...

20. Pigou came back from a business trip and immediately asked the apartment manager for information in case his girlfriend had an affair. "Has anyone come to see my wife? Do you like a man you don't know or someone else? " "No, only a milkman came the day before yesterday." "Well, I'm relieved." The dove heaved a sigh of relief. "But he hasn't come down yet!"

2 1. Today, when I came home from work, I saw a beautiful mother playing shota on the roadside. Shota cried loudly and thought her mother was too cruel. How could she hit her child like this? I want to come forward and talk about it. Just one step away, I heard my mother say, "Pull out my mother's clothes and my mother's bra on the bus. You are very good at serving the public! " After listening, I left silently.

22. I just called me 10086 to find out about the business, so I got bored. Q: Sir, I see that your mobile phone bill has fluctuated greatly recently. Is it because of the long business trip in different places or is there another number in use? I replied: I was dumped ... customer service MM couldn't help laughing.

23. In math class. The teacher asked the deskmate, "What is 150+ 100?" The deskmate said, "Teacher 250!" The teacher said angrily, "How much is it?" Knowing that something was wrong, the deskmate immediately corrected: "Teacher 250!"

24. In math class. The teacher asked the deskmate, "What is 150+ 100?" The deskmate said, "Teacher 250!" The teacher said angrily, "How much is it?" Knowing that something was wrong, the deskmate immediately corrected: "Teacher 250!"

25. Dad said, "Science and technology have developed rapidly, and human beings have realized their desire to land on the moon." After listening, the son said, "I want to climb the sun when I grow up." Dad said, "The sun is so hot that people can't go up at all." The son smiled: "Dad is so stupid, won't I go at night?"

26. The mother took her son to a hotel for dinner. Suddenly, her son asked her, "Mom, why do those people wear masks?" Mom just wanted Doby, and he said, "Because the boss is afraid that they will steal food!" " "My son said thoughtfully," Oh, then I understand why my mother wears a mask every time she washes the toilet! "! ! !"

27. I got a job posting small advertisements on telephone poles in the street. One day, I went to 200 yuan. But it's still not enough, so I got another job tearing advertisements in a cleaning company ... so I can earn 400 yuan a day. Don't go out yet ...

28. I was ready to be beaten when I was young. Then my dad stood at the door and looked at me like a fire. I was impatient and said, "I have to call quickly, I have something to do!" " My dad smiled. "Hey, it's like me. Go and play! "

29. I went to the bank for business this morning. I heard a woman yelling at the lobby manager ... I'll report the loss myself and return it. Do you know how precious my time is? Can't I send someone with my ID card? Is the bank so humanized? Go ahead. What documents do you need to prove that I don't have to come by myself? I can get everything. I guess the lobby manager is very angry. .....................................................................................................................................................................

Last night, my three-year-old niece jumped on me and bit me: Uncle, I had a good dream last night. Do you think it will come true? Me: Of course! Little niece: I dreamed that my uncle bought me many fancy clothes and a lot of food! . Me: Girl, eating too much sugar will cause tooth decay. Can you change it? Little niece: But I also dreamed that my uncle got married. Girl! Go, go to the supermarket!