I just don’t understand. You are almost 50 years old and you are getting divorced. Why are you bothering?

If a person asks you whether you want a divorce and the first thing you ask is how much property and debt both parties have, in short, the first time they talk about money, they definitely want to divorce;

If you ask Just talk about how the relationship was back then and how the other person is now and how you are, no matter how bad or unbearable the person (regardless of male or female) says about the other person or how they can't live with each other, it's all fake and they all have feelings. They all don’t want to leave. Is this the case?

In the past few years, I have experienced some things in my love life. I have fallen into despair and confusion, and I have to write to you for help.

I live in a foreign country with my daughter and my husband, and we rarely communicate with each other. Today, I couldn't help chatting with my 8-year-old daughter and asked her casually, "Do you want a different father?" She actually said happily, yes.

She said that because her father didn’t like to play with her, even if he sometimes took her to play for a while, she would still play with her mobile phone and ignore her calls.

Actually, my daughter is very sensible. After talking about it in detail, she said that it is better not to change it, because my father will be sad.

I said, Dad might not be too sad, he could find another wife and have another child. The daughter said, what should I do if the new child still wants to change his father?

I said, how could it be? My daughter said it was because my father was not suitable to be a father.

My husband and I are both 45 years old. We have been married for more than ten years. Our love has faded and our lives are very dull.

He works very hard in his career and has achieved a little success at present, but he has a lot of social activities. He doesn't go home until early in the morning almost every day, often goes to karaoke bars, and occasionally stays up all night. I checked his cell phone sometimes and found nothing.

I have not achieved much in my career. In the past few years, I have focused on my children. I took my children abroad at the end of last year. I plan to accompany them to study for two years and return to China at the end of next year. During holidays, we will get together.

Before going abroad, we spent less time together and more separation, and our family life was almost non-existent, so being separated in a foreign country was not that difficult. But just three months ago, when we had a brief get-together, I discovered something was wrong - there were text messages on his phone about dating women. The woman sent him her home address and he went there, more than once.

I questioned him and he said it was a woman he met while singing. He also made up a lie and said that he went to her house with others to drink tea. In short, he refused to admit it, but his expression said it all.

At the end of the quarrel, he said that what had happened had happened and he should let it go and it would never happen again.

Because of the text message incident, that gathering turned into a disaster. With the real hammer in front of me, all the self-deception over the years has turned into a joke. However, I worked hard to adjust, and my mood had mostly calmed down before we parted, and I sent him to the airport with my child.

After that, I was still the same as before. Except for the occasional video between him and his children, I never contacted him for anything. In the past, I was understanding that he was busy and didn't want to disturb me; now I feel like I'm stuck in my throat and have nothing to talk about.

After two or three months of this, I contacted him about something a few days ago, but he didn’t reply to my messages. I deleted him out of anger. I felt disrespected.

It was quiet like this, no text messages, no phone calls. The child wants to video chat with his father, but I don’t have the heart to sue for peace anymore.

My marriage is in jeopardy. I have a lot of responsibility in this failed marriage.

I used to complain to him when my work was not going well; I did not make achievements commensurate with my own level; I also had no connections or resources to help him. These caused him to despise me.

Emotionally, I am more willful and feel that he is too indifferent to his family, so I use cold violence against him in family life. In fact, I also know that there will be problems in such a marriage, but the relationship is gone and I really have no interest in him at all.

Currently, my confusion is whether I should return to China as planned next year? If I return to China, I will have to work hard to repair my marriage on the one hand, and restart my career at the age of 40 on the other. This will be a big challenge.

He has always wanted a second child, but we have not reached an agreement, which is also a hidden danger.

When I filed for divorce, he yelled, and I couldn't understand it. You are almost 50 years old, and you are still asking for divorce. Why are you bothering?

If there is no need to save this marriage, I want to stay abroad to give my children a good learning opportunity. But the challenge is that I have to find a job abroad to support myself and my children.

Furthermore, due to visa reasons, I had to study abroad first and then slowly find a job. The costs during this period were immeasurable. With my current strength, I will definitely not be able to find a suitable new father for my child.

Whether I return to China or not, I will not file for divorce until I am fully prepared. It's just that this lingering marriage is really suffocating.

What should I do now? Do you put down your dignity, take the initiative to break the ice, and try to maintain the appearance of marriage? Or are you actively striving to stay abroad? Since we don’t have much time, we must start preparations if we want to apply to study abroad.

Looking forward to giving valuable suggestions. Thanks!

From your description, your marriage is only a shell. What you are struggling with in your heart is that you are unwilling to give up your current comfortable life but cannot bear the coldness of marriage.

Starting over from scratch is a challenge for you, and you are filled with uncertainty. People are used to staying in their comfort zone and are reluctant to make changes, but they can't build without breaking. What I can't part with is the material comfort provided by my husband, but I can't bear the coldness of marriage. When things can't be both, think about what you need most at the moment, and then make a choice. As long as people are not too greedy, life will be easier.

It’s as if I saw a middle-aged man doing math problems in Qiong Yao’s drama, but he was totally wrong. A middle-aged person has made little financial contribution to the family and has no plans for life, but he asks his financial supporter to kiss and hold her up like in Korean dramas. Are you being nice to him?

If not, why do you ask him to do it just because of your gender? As for him cheating on you and you want a divorce, if you really have the guts to find a job and settle down before arguing with him, don't talk about your child, as children are not a common excuse for being unclear and weak to escape. It's quite funny to waste time on paper.

Love is originally an imagination in people's minds, not as real as the keyboard in their hands. If the heroine loves her husband, she will love him no matter how he treats her. For her, love is there. But now the heroine has resisted living with her husband, so for her, love is dead.

Many times, love is actually a one-sided conversation, and the other party is just a prop.

If it were me, I would choose not to divorce for the time being, and take my children abroad. On the one hand, I will use his funds and help to grow myself abroad, and then talk about marriage when my wings are full. This also applies to choosing to return to your country. After all, the purpose of your divorce is not to remarry first, so the current state of no interference is still beneficial to you. Why not use him to transition for a period of time, let yourself survive first, and then look back.

If you don’t want to find a more suitable man, are there any other benefits of divorce? Now that he gives you money to spend, he has an obligation to you. Why leave?

As long as you have children, relationships can still be repaired. Love for children is human instinct. Husband and wife are not maintained by love but by family ties. Family ties are much stronger than love. Don't dwell on what was wrong with him in the past, and reflect more on your own shortcomings (for example, a 40-year-old person is always angry and blacklisted). Divorce and remarriage for people who are not strong in ability is a drain, not a nourishment.

If you are divorced, single mothers living overseas with their children should pay attention to several points:

First, they must rely on themselves financially.

1. Evaluate your divorce to see how much property you can get;

2. Self-assess your ability to find a job. Language and major are trivial matters. It’s hard to say anything else. There will always be opportunities for jobs such as accounting. The key is whether the psychology is strong enough. If you are not strong and at the same time foolishly believe in sweet words, you will be miserable and lose control.

Second, if the first point is realized, there will be no big problem in marriage.

Divorce is relatively common overseas and is not a big deal. Asian women are quite popular regardless of their age. However, there are many young and old Chinese women who covet Chinese women financially. Foreigners are poorer than we think. Not many people have deposits exceeding 4 digits. If you treat feelings as the icing on the cake rather than as a help in times of need, it will be easier to handle it.

Third, love is something that is hard to come by. Don’t have high expectations, you might just meet it. There are risks in inter-racial and cultural marriages, and even true love may not be able to withstand these risks.

Fourth, life abroad may not necessarily be more comfortable than in some domestic cities. The benefits of green water and green mountains are real, but there are also many disadvantages. You will know it after staying for a long time.

The last thing I want to say is that whether you are at home or abroad, married or single, it is a state of life, with advantages and disadvantages. I can't say which one is better, I can only say which one is more suitable for your current situation.

If you get divorced, try to fight for property and alimony. If you don’t get divorced, you should treat yourself as a single person and give yourself a buffer period. Psychologically, let go of your dependence and desire on your ex-husband, and become financially independent as soon as possible.

Use your husband’s money tree to improve your appearance, inner self, and knowledge, and become better. If your marriage is still as cold as ice and without warmth, then decide how to break up! Women who use a second child to win back their husbands will not have a good outcome in the end. And maybe he has patriarchal thoughts in his heart.

In fact, men are more snobbish than women. When the dopamine in the body gradually fades, we must also consider what we, as wives, have that he should cherish.

Today's society has too high demands on women. Women have contributed too much to the family and society, and it has become the norm. Once a woman is lower than the average in the eyes of the public, her greatest value to men is to raise children, and her situation becomes very passive.

Of course, a quality single is worse than a messy marriage. It is better to leave a marriage without warmth.