Ask for very funny jokes and movies

childlike innocence

Who's Lao Tzu?

Son: I took a history test today and asked who I was. I don't remember.

Father: Idiot!

I forget to meet you every day! Lao tze is me!

Be inattentive

Son: Dad, please turn down the tape recorder. I am doing my homework.

Father: You don't need ears to do your homework. Why are you so inattentive?

infectious disease

One day, Dad and Mingming got up very late because they overslept. Dad didn't go to work, and neither did he.

go to school

Dad said, "I don't go to work. When people ask me, I will say that I am ill. What about you? How can you be right?

What about the teacher? "

Clearly said: "If the teacher asks me, I will say that my father's illness infected me!" " "

deviate from the core theme

Father: Son, did the composition I wrote for you win the Excellence Award?

Zi: No, the teacher said it was beside the point.

Father: No way! Isn't the title of the composition "My Dad"?

Zi: Yes, but you wrote about my grandfather!

Blend with ...

Father flew into a rage when he saw the conduct comments on his son's report card, and slapped him:

"Who did you fight with?"

"I didn't fight?"

"You'd better shut up!" "Pa", another slap. "You not only play, but also often chat with your classmates.

Become a teacher, will the teacher wronged you? "

Be an explorer when you grow up.

Son: Dad, I want to be an Arctic explorer when I grow up.

Dad: Great.

Son: Now I want to start training right away.

Dad: How to train?

Son: Please give me one yuan a day to buy ice cream so that I can adapt to the cold weather in the Arctic in the future.

Wonderful solution

Son: Why do some drug lists say "compound prescription" and "single prescription"?

Dad: "Compound" is effective only after repeated eating, and "Unilateral" is effective only after eating once. children

Zi: What about "compound prescription" and "unilateral prescription"?

Dad: It will work if you don't eat it.

"I'm not a student"

Dad: Asshole! The teacher told you not to curse. Why did you curse again?

Son: You just scolded me!

Dad: I'm not a student.

Old daddy

A student asked his father:

"Dad, can you close your eyes and write your name on the paper?"

"Of course, my child. I can even close my eyes and write a few lines of poetry. "

"Don't you write a few lines of poetry, dad. Please close your eyes here (notice of exam results)

Sign your name! "

Children's gifts

Son: Dad, I'll give you a compass.

Dad: Keep it for fun, son. I don't need it.

Son: Don't you often get lost when you come out of a bar?

The sun and the earth

Son: Dad, does the earth go around the sun?

Dad: Of course, son.

Son: So, when there is no sun?

Is the earth still this big?

Son: Dad, the teacher said today that the earth is over 5 billion years old!

Father: Fool! That's what my teacher said when I was studying. Now you've grown so big, slowly.

Is the ball still this big?

Son:?

Throw it far

Son: Dad, you must have thrown a Grenade far away, right?

Father: Son, my father has never thrown a Grenade!

Son: But yesterday, your rotten eggplant was thrown across the street from the window.

Something that has nothing to do with sb

Son: Dad, the thief is touching his wallet. Dad: Mind your own business!

Son: Steal yours!

Dad: Huh?

Mother and child

Fei Lin

Kiss grandma

Son: Mom, why did you just call me grandma instead of grandma?

Mom: Mom was born to grandma, and you were born to mom, so you should kiss grandma, understand?

Son: Yes! In the future, I want my son to kiss grandma instead of grandma! Mother: You?

Grey hair

Son: Mom, why do you have white hair on your head?

Mom: Because you didn't listen, mom was angry, so her hair turned white.

Son: Oh, I see. No wonder grandma's hair is all white.

The same dad

Mom: Why is your composition My Dad exactly the same as your brother's?

Son: Because we are the same father!

There is no need to buy new books.

Mom: I worked hard to educate you, but you didn't study hard. Let's see what money to buy next semester.

Books!

Son: Mom, don't worry. The teacher said I had to repeat the grade, so I didn't have to spend money on new books.

Ask a question

Mom: How is your teacher?

Son: Not so good. He seems to know nothing.

Mom: Really?

Son: Really. Why else does he always ask me questions in class?

Arithmetic is easy to learn

Mom: Xiaoming, you have been in school for half a year. Which subject do you think is easier to learn, Chinese or arithmetic?

Son: Arithmetic of course.

Mom: Why?

Son: There are many new words in Chinese, and there are only 10 words in arithmetic.

Only I can answer.

Son: Mom, the teacher asked questions today, and only I can answer them in the class.

Mom: Great! Good boy, what questions did the teacher ask?

Son: The teacher asked, "Who broke the classroom glass?" Others are silent, only I am loud.

Answer: "It's me!"

A kind mother

Xiaohong's father wants Xiaohong to brush her teeth before going to bed every night, but Xiaohong can't always do it.

One night, her father urged Xiaohong to brush her teeth, and Xiaohong had to brush her teeth reluctantly.

Knowing this, the kind mother quickly stuffed a piece of "white rabbit" toffee into Xiaohong's mouth and was heartbroken.

Say, "Little Red! Eat sugar quickly. In the future, when brushing your teeth every night, my mother will give you a piece of candy. "

Fill in the place of birth

Son: Mom, how to fill in the place of birth? Mom: That's where you were born.

Son: Oh, I see. Native place-Maternity Hospital.

Grandma's name

Mom: Bao Xiao, what's your grandmother's name?

Son: My grandmother has many names. My aunt calls her an old woman, and my father calls her an old thing, mom.

You call her immortal.

Teachers and students

skiff

Foreign mobile dating software

Teacher: What is flammable?

Student: My father.

Teacher: Why?

Student: He gets angry as soon as the masses express their opinions.

be late

Teacher: Xiaoming, why are you always late for class every morning?

Student: Because every time I go to the corner in front of the school, I will see a sign that says

Read: "school-go slow."

There is no exam.

Student: Teacher, I'm very interested in coming with me.

Teacher: What a good student. Can you tell the students why you are interested?

Student: Because learning from me never takes exams.

Expand while it is hot

Teacher: Who can tell me why the days in summer are so long and those in winter are so short?

Student: I know, because everything expands with heat and contracts with cold. Summer is very hot, so winter is very long and cold.

So short.

The difference between electricity and electricity

Teacher: Please tell me, what's the difference between civil electricity and lightning?

Student: There is no charge for lightning, but for civil electricity.

one day

Teacher: Xiaogang, you always play truant. When do you not play truant?

Student: Sunday.

"Ba" and "Bei"

Student: Teacher, can "Ba" and "Bei" be used together?

Teacher: No.

Student: "Fold it up", don't you even use it?

A long-awaited answer

Teacher: Pan Pan, what unit does your father work in?

Student: In the temple.

Teacher: Is your father a monk?

Student: Yes! My father often says, "I will be a monk for a day."

High bass

Teacher: What are tenors and basses?

Student: My father yelled at my mother, and my father spoke to the director of the housing management office in a low voice.

To affix/affix/affix a seal (to ...)

Teacher: Didn't you show your parents your test paper?

Student: Yes, I do.

Teacher: Then why don't parents stamp?

The student pointed to the cane whip scar on his arm and said, "This is a stamp."

What's the biggest?

Teacher: What's the biggest in the world?

Student: Eyelids are the biggest.

Teacher: Why?

Student: As soon as you close your eyes, the whole world is covered by it.

The last teeth that grow out

Teacher: Which tooth grows the latest?

Student: Dentures.

I can't get down.

Teacher: Please answer, what can't come down after going up?

Student: Price!

Dali Kamal's Humor

Huang Ruiyun

Believe in donkeys

Kamal went to Kazi * to go to court. He gave Katz a donkey first.

He naturally won.

After the trial, Kamal said to Qazi, "I feel free to enter your door, I know."

Will get a fair judgment. "

Qazi said: "I have always been fair. Of course, I still want to thank you for your trust in me. "

"Not necessarily," Carmen said. "I don't trust Katz, but I trust my donkey.

Son. "

* Katz: Judge.

The value of lying

Carmel and the king went out hunting, and geese flew in the air. The king said, "Kamal,

Can you believe that I can hit a wild goose with one arrow? "

"That's nothing," Kamal said. "I can shoot three with one arrow."

They performed immediately. The king shot an arrow and missed a wild goose. Kaman, bow, too.

The arrow went up, but he didn't shoot down a wild goose, let alone three.

The king said, "You missed a shot, Kamal. You are a good liar! " "

"Lies, big or small, have the same value," Kamal said. "Your Majesty need not be modest."

When is the happiest time?

The king often goes out to race horses. He asked Kamal, "When people see me play, they will be very tall."

Xing? "

"Of course," Kaman said, "they can't be unhappy to see your majesty play. I watched it once.

That they were ecstatic. "

The king was very happy and asked, "Did you see that I won the prize?"

"No, it isn't," Kamal said. "That's when I saw you fall off your horse."

Please touch the top of the living Buddha.

Carmen went to Gurkha to worship the living Buddha Rabbah. Many good men and women line up, please touch the top of the living Buddha.

Because it is said that living buddhas can touch their heads and they can

Live longer. Kamal also went in to let the living Buddha touch it.

Kamal came back and told Bahar that the living Buddha had touched his head. He said cheerfully, in heaven.

But a few days later, I heard that the living Buddha died suddenly.

"ah!" Kaman patted his head and said with great regret, "I forgot at that time and didn't look for a job."

Touch the Buddha's own head! "

The water here is shallow.

Kamal came back from hunting on the other side of the lake. Bahar watched his boat reach the lake from a distance, but it just disappeared.

People went ashore. Bahar ran over and saw Kanman groping in the water.

Bahar asked, "What are you touching, Ali?"

"My shotgun fell into the water!"

Bahar dived into the water to make contact with him. I touched it for a long time, but I didn't touch it.

"Where on earth did you drop it?" Bahar asked.

Carmen pointed to the middle of the lake and said, "I fell in the middle of the lake."

Bahar said angrily, "It fell in the middle of the lake. What are you touching here?"

"The water here is very shallow and easy to touch," said Kamanle.

Kamal lied, too

The king called Guli Bach and asked, "Some people say that your husband Kamal lied to me.

Do you know that?/You know what? "

"I don't know," Bach said, "but I think he might lie to you."

The king said, "Aren't you the most dishonest person in the world?"

"I did say that," Bach said, "but, you know, anyone who doesn't lie,

In front of people who will never tell the truth, he will also tell lies. "

Eagles in Tianshan Mountain and ants outside the shop

Kuang jinbi

A cowhide went to Tianshan Mountain and came back to brag in a shop about the eagle in Tianshan Mountain.

Spread your wings, it's three feet six feet long.

At this moment, Cowhide's youngest son is playing with ants outside the shop. Avanti saw it and went out.

Bite his ear, say a few words and come back. Cowhide customers feel strange and immediately call the children into the store.

Q:

"What did the two generations of love say to you?"

"I'm teasing ants." The child replied: "Uncle Avanti said that ants can never let your father.

Yes, otherwise, your father will blow the ants into elephants again! "

The people in the shop laughed their heads off.

That dog is illiterate.

Yu Yan

In ancient times, a monk taught people: "Biting dogs write tiger characters on the soles of their feet.

You can scare it away and not bite. "One day, someone met a bad dog, just like the monk said, teach people to catch it.

Yes, write a tiger on its sole and set it free; Unexpectedly, as soon as I let go, this person would

My leg was bitten by a dog. The man fled to the monk who taught him in a panic and angrily accused the monk of talking nonsense.

The monk said calmly, "That dog is illiterate." .

banquet

spring

A director (let's call him Director Mu) is often worried about attending too many banquets:

The superior is coming, please; When subordinates come, please (because when you go down, please also go down, don't appear as a superior machine.

Big shelf); Planning and auditing departments are here, please; The finance and taxation department invited; Examination cadres

Please tie it; Invite technical cooperation; Please buy raw materials; To promote products, please; Negotiate with foreign businessmen,

Please; Invite peers to visit and study; Please deal with the water, electricity and gas departments; Requirements "project",

Investment, please; Ask veteran cadres to run companies; To celebrate the X anniversary of the establishment of this Council, please; "May Day" won't work.

On labor day, it is not enough to express congratulations; Without the invitation of "October 1st", it is difficult to express the joy of workers?

In short, banquets are everywhere, banquets are omnipotent, banquets are gods and banquets are magic weapons! "A small handless den.

End, relax the policy ","three glasses of wine in a row, friendship is everywhere "? But, a party? Demon!

"Banquet is the devil!" Director Mu gnashed his teeth and thought: Banquet will delay time and affect work.

This is one of them; Banquet should be entertaining without words, pretending to be friendly, saying and doing against one's will, which is its own.

Second, also; Too many banquets, eating bad stomach, harmful to health, and third?

"Banquet, banquet, not banquet, but a disgusting, disgusting meeting! It's tolerable. Which one is it?

The last straw! "Director Chai said angrily.

In view of the provisions of "no guests" in the application of Order No.30 and No.50 from the superior, and the director of Wood

Personal experience: "Forbidden! Verboten! In the future, this association will resolutely ban all banquets! "

But it is hard to say that it is really determined to ban it. The situation now is: on the one hand, everyone

Everyone hates it. On the one hand, everyone is doing it. If all the parties suddenly end, someone will pick a reason, or

What can I do if I give you little shoes to wear in practical work? We must find a suitable method!

As the saying goes: when you frown, the plan comes to mind: Director Mu puts the superior departments, subordinate departments, finance and taxation.

Department, planning and auditing department, publicity and organization department, raw material supply department, product sales department and technology department.

Technical cooperation department, welfare department, railway department, water and electricity department, police station, street children.

Garden? Everyone was invited and held an unprecedented banquet.

Wood, director of the raised his glass:

"The leaders, comrades and friends! In the past, our bureau hosted many banquets, which were very important to the university.

How disturbing home is! In order not to hold banquets in the future, please propose a toast! ? "

"cheers! ? "Cheers rang out.

The dish of the day before yesterday

Shovel worker

The old woman walked into a vegetable shop with a basket, rummaged through the dishes on the shelf and asked about the sales.

Shop assistant: "How about this vegetable? Is it fresh? " The salesman didn't answer, but asked, "You bought it yesterday.

How is your food? "

"The food yesterday was ok, but not as fresh as the day before yesterday."

The salesman said, "Then buy it quickly. This is the dish of the day before yesterday. "

lumbago

Peng Wanzhou

In the waiting room, the doctor shouted, "What date?"

A pair of glasses patted an old man.

When the old man went in, the doctor asked, "Why didn't you promise for a long time?"

"I am 1 1 1!"

"'Yao' and' one' are the same meaning." The doctor is impatient. "Where does it hurt?"

"A kind of pain."

"Where does it hurt?"

The old man pointed to his waist.

"Hey, this is low back pain!"

"Didn't you say' Yao' and' One'?"

Comrade dad

Chen naixiang

A young man studying abroad wrote to his father asking for money.

This letter begins like this:

"Comrade dad:

I have run out of money, please give it to me quickly.

Pay some living expenses? "

After reading his son's letter, the father remitted a dollar.

After the son received it, his eyes blazed and he immediately wrote to blame his father: "Why only remit one dollar?"

You don't invite me to drink northwest wind! "

Dad wrote back to his son and said, "dear child, don't be hot." You think: there are 10 million in the country. "

Comrade, if every comrade gave you a dollar like me, you wouldn't have to party all your life.

It's over! "

See if it's true.

Shovel worker

Wei Wei caught a little turtle and brought it back to her house in the pool. Mom asked, "Vivian,

Why did you catch the tortoise? Wei Wei said, "A scientist said that turtles have a long life span. They can live for more than 500 years.

I wonder if this is true. I'll just use this turtle to verify for myself and see if he's right. "

Mom smiled and said, "That's interesting. Do you want to live to be 500? "

Wei Wei cocked her head and asked, "In this way, the scientist who said this can live to be 500 years old."

Really? "