Want 2 hilarious jokes, not cold jokes! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

The supermarket shopping guide sold me a chocolate. I asked how much it was for a box of 4 grams. “8。” The shopping guide girl answered.

"mom, it's so expensive." I blurted out and waved my hand quickly.

Before I went far, I heard her say to a colleague nearby, "Look, my life has changed when I heard the price is high."

Mother Mosquito: "What's the matter with you, son?" The little mosquito cried and said, "Today, the little flies bullied me and said that I was bloodthirsty and a vampire." Female mosquito: "Ignore it, their homes are not good things either, and all of them grew up eating shit."

A tramp was stopped by a robber who waved his head and shouted, "Want money or die."

the tramp thought, I can't support my own life. Why do I need another life? I might as well ask for some money, so he said to the robber, "I'd better ask for money."

When cleaning the room, the wife found a photo of her husband and a strange woman, and asked her husband what was going on. The husband said disapprovingly, "This is a photo taken with my girlfriend five years ago, and I have already broken up with her."

The wife said loudly, "Did you put on the sweater I knitted for you last year five years ago?"

One day Xiaoming took tomatoes, watermelons and strawberries to the street. At an intersection, the tomatoes were run over by a car. Xiaoming said, "Ha ha ha! Ketchup! " At another intersection, the watermelon was hit. Xiao Ming said, "Ha ha ha! Watermelon juice! " At the third intersection, Xiao Ming was crushed to death by a car. Strawberry said, "Ha ha ha! Scum! "

I came home late at the weekend. As soon as I came in, my wife questioned me, "Why didn't I come home until 7 o'clock?"

I said, "I attended a press conference this afternoon." My wife rummaged through my bag and said, "What cloth is it? I just want to make a pair of pants. "

a couple is very much in love.

W: What are you thinking now?

m: just as you think.

The woman immediately slapped the man and scolded him, you rascal!

Wal-Mart's bass is 9 yuan a catty, and if it dies, it will be 7 yuan and two pieces on the ice, just as fresh. A brother rushed to buy it after work, but it was often bought away. A brother stood in front of the fish tank and waited, sometimes one died for a long time.

a brother fished in with a net and hit the fish on the head with his hand.

The waiter couldn't stand it any longer. He came over and said to his brother, "Sir, those who passed out don't count ..."

When a farmer went to a car sales center, he took out 2 yuan and slapped it on the table, saying, "Give me a Santana." The salesperson was shocked: "You don't have enough money!" The farmer is puzzled: "Isn't Santana 2 written outside?" Shop assistant: "Oh ... then turn right when you go out. The Mercedes-Benz of that company is only 6!" "

Two Beijingers meet.

"what's your name?"

"I dare not say, lest you eat it."

"Last name is Fan?"

"No."

"Yu?"

"that's not right."

"What's your last name?"

"history."

When I went to take a shower, people around me asked me, How old are you? A dozen?

I secretly rejoiced and said, I am 27 years old.

she was shocked: I don't think so!

She looked me up and down several times, and then said, You haven't developed your breasts yet, how can you be 27!

1. In these years, people are worried about housing, developers are worried about selling houses, entrepreneurs are worried about counting houses, producers are worried about box office, officials are worried about second houses, men are worried about private houses, women are worried about breasts, old people are worried about renting houses, hospitals are worried about childbirth, new houses are worried about getting married, and ordinary people are worried about demolishing houses. Hey! Sex is really depressing!

2. Men like golf because the scenery of each hole is different, and even the same hole has different approaches; Women like golf because each stroke feels different, even if the same stroke has different strength and angle, it feels different!

3. Some portraits of "smart people":

He endured when no one was fighting for his interests

When someone was fighting for his interests, he looked at

When someone was fighting for his interests, he said, "I deserve it"

When someone was fighting for his interests, he said, "I said it was useless, but he still didn't believe me" < p

4. The hospital course record of Lei Ren:

The patient is conscious, in good spirits, able to eat and drink, and the incision is growing happily.

It's warm today, so I went to make rounds with the director. The director asked how the patient was, and the patient said yes. The director smiled, and the patient also smiled ...

The director braved the heavy snow and stepped into the ward, holding the patient's hands tightly, and asked: Lao Wang, are you better today?

the chief made rounds, but he didn't say anything today!

First, the difference of educational background

How to cook braised pork?

Undergraduates said to put meat in a pot and add something to cook it.

Graduate students say this is not enough. How much meat, how much other seasonings, how to cook and how long to cook should be written.

after a month, the doctor published a book called "how to cook braised pork", and opened the catalogue, "chapter one, how to raise pigs".

second, 1. chess tells you: everything is for keeping handsome.

2. Mahjong tells you: Calculate each other and do everything only for your own success.

3. Go tells you that everything is either or, and everything is possible.

4. Military chess tells you that a senior official can really crush people.

5. Beijing Opera tells you that all roles have been solidified, from division of labor to manners.

Third, in life, many things are fleeting, like saying goodbye at the station. Just now, we hugged each other, and in an instant, we have gone to different places. Most of the time, you don't understand, and I don't understand either. That's it. When you talk, you change. When you listen, you get tired. When you watch, you get tired. When you follow, you slow down. When you walk, you disperse. When you love, you fade. When you think about it, you forget it.

Fourth, each of us is like a clown, playing with five balls, which are your work, health, family, friends and soul. Only one of these five balls is made of rubber, which will bounce when it falls, and that is work. The other four balls are all made of glass. If they are dropped, they will break.

1. When we were young, we cried and laughed. When we grew up, we laughed and cried. . .

2. Keep in mind that when you go out, you won't leave anything behind, that is, "Reach for money" (extension: ID card, hand: mobile phone, key, money: wallet)

3. My name has been published in newspapers countless times. The first article I wrote was published in the newspaper. Others are because Fang Zhouzi exposed my plagiarism.

4. The deceased is like a husband, and he doesn't give up day and night ... A classmate translated: The man who died seems to be my husband, and he looks like him all day and night.

5. You know about earthquakes, tsunamis, nuclear pollution, salt reserves, national quality, the situation in Libya, the interests of the United States, Britain and France, and air strikes and wars. This proves that you are knowledgeable and occupy an important position, so you are an elder brother!

6. I just switched to high-definition satellite TV, which is awesome, but it's just different. I have never seen the words "no satellite signal" so clearly.

7. I've often heard of anyone who can't live without money, but I've never heard of anyone who can't live without someone.

8. Cui Yongyuan said that telling the truth has three elements: courage, knowledge and rabies vaccination.

9. If you want to learn sex education well, you have to be like a chemistry class. . . . Do more experiments

1. The leader inspected Jiangyin Mao Textile Factory and asked the director with concern: Are the raw materials easy to handle?

11. I have never been a thief, but I want to steal happiness for you! I've never cheated anyone, but I want to cheat you for happiness! Never hurt anyone, but I want to give you a happy turn! I have never depended on anyone, but I want to rob you of peace! Happy May Day!

12. There is a saint in France named Joan of Arc. It is true that there are many leftover women in China.