Do you have any jokes?

Yes, I have collected a lot here. Take a look. Take it as you see fit.

Yesterday's Children's Day, several girls were chatting in the dormitory. A classmate complained: "You said that we would not stop on March 8th, May 4th and June 1 day. What are we? " Everyone was depressed ... then a long voice came from the corner: "We are not resting on Qingming Day. . . "

I went to the bank to save 50 thousand for the company today. The bank said: "You need an ID card to deposit more than 50,000 yuan!" "I felt it in my pocket and found that I didn't bring it. . Me: "I forgot to bring it, please bend the rules!" "Save it for the company!" Bank: "No! This is the rule! More than 50,000 must have an ID card! " Me: "er ... well, you can give me 1 cent!" " "bank:" . . "

On this day, I suddenly found that I have a big aunt, a second aunt, a four-menstruation and a five-menstruation, but I don't have a three-menstruation. So I went to ask my dad: Why don't I have a third aunt? I thought for a moment: Did Third Aunt die when she was young? My dad said: your third aunt is your mother!

One of my buddies, his girlfriend ran away with a handsome guy last year, and it's no use keeping it. Finally, he said with tears: "If he is not good to you, you will come back!" " "As a result, this year, the woman was dumped and really came back for him. He said coldly, "I'm just being polite. You don't have to take it seriously ... "

Copying homework is actually not called copying homework. Chinese is called learning, mathematics is called analogy, English is called copying, geography is called migration, biology is called copying, physics is called frame of reference, chemistry is called isomers, politics is called seeking common ground while reserving differences, and history is called cultural unity. . .

A couple, after years of hard work, bought a villa with sea view. Because of the great pressure to repay the mortgage, I still have to go out early and return late every day. However, what his nanny does most every day is sunbathing, watching the sea and drinking coffee with his dog on the balcony. ...

7. A topic requires connecting the following four sentences with related words:

1, sister Zhang Haidi is paralyzed;

2. Sister Zhang Haidi studied tenaciously;

3. Sister Zhang Haidi learned a lot of foreign languages;

4. Sister Zhang Haidi studied acupuncture.

The correct answer should be: "Sister Zhang Haidi, although paralyzed, studied hard and learned not only many foreign languages, but also acupuncture.

As a result, one child wrote: Sister Zhang Haidi was paralyzed despite her tenacious study of acupuncture and many foreign languages.

I found a more fierce child writing: Sister Zhang Haidi not only learned a foreign language, but also learned acupuncture. She studied so doggedly that she was finally paralyzed!

Boys treat their wives better after marriage than before. At a party, a friend laughed at him: Why are you still so tired after getting married? He said with a wry smile: before marriage, many boys wanted to chase her, and many boys would be kind to her. Only by being kind to her can I catch up with her; There are fewer and fewer boys who treat her well after marriage. Only by being kind to her can I keep her from losing heart. Everything I do is to make her happy. Say that finish, all the friends present were silent.

In elementary school, I lied for the first time.

Once the school asked for money, my mother gave it to 100, but it was confiscated in the class that day. After school, I saw that there were snacks on the roadside, so I couldn't help but buy three yuan to eat.

After returning home, my mother asked, "Did you pay the money?"

"Confiscated today."

Mom: "Oh, what about the money?"

Take out the money: "Here you are!"

Mom: "How come there are 97 left?"

Bow your head: "Oh, I accidentally lost three dollars when I came back."

Mom smiled: ... the voice of ............. touched his face with his palm. ...........

A child went to an adult store to buy BYT. The boss hesitated and asked, What size do you want? The child said the maximum size, and the boss gave the little boy the maximum size. The little boy immediately put it on his head. The boss asked, why do you want to wear it on his head? The little boy replied gloomily that Christmas is coming and everyone in the class has arranged a program. Every student has a role. Without me, I asked the teacher, and the teacher said, do you play? You play JB, you play!

Chatting with my boyfriend, when it comes to rising, my saliva splashed all over his face.

Then instinctively wipe it off by hand.

I was a little embarrassed, but I deliberately shifted my focus and pretended to be angry: "What? Dislike me. "

He said with a gentleman's smile:

"No, wipe it evenly!"

Classmates and girlfriends were kissing in the corridor, and the school director saw it. The director tried to stop it, but he was so excited that he shouted, both of you shut up!

On Mr. Lin's wife's birthday, she asked Lin Sheng to take her to a strip club to broaden her horizons. Lin Sheng was so entangled that he had to do it. When she arrived at the gate of the strip club, the waiter said politely, "Mr. Lin, welcome." Mr. Lin stood nervously, but Mrs. Lin stared. Entering the strip club, the foreman said, "Welcome, Mr. Lin. Are you still sitting in your original seat? " Mrs Lin's angry face began to turn blue. At the beginning of the performance, the stripper twisted her waist and took off her clothes one by one with the rhythm of the music. Jiaosheng shouted, "Whose is this?" "Mr. Lin, of course!" All the guests said in unison. By this time, Mrs. Lin had fainted. Mr. Lin quickly picked her up and got on the bus. The wife woke up suddenly and cursed angrily: "you liar, bastard, beast!" " "The taxi driver said," Mr. Lin, the girl you are looking for tonight is very provocative! " "

I woke up at home at noon and ate two oranges. After eating the yellow on my finger, I went straight to school without washing my hands. Chatting in the afternoon, a classmate said, "Why are you so disgusting? You don't wash your fingers after pulling shit! " I said it wasn't shit. I ate oranges at noon, and then my fingers shook. Two days later, it was terrible-all Beijing knew that there was a guy in our school who took a shit and wiped his ass with his fingers. When it's dry, it stops repeatedly and says it smells like oranges.

classmate ...

A big brother in the company told me a story:

It is said that there is a person who likes bowling and drinking. One day, his wife asked him to play soy sauce. After soy sauce, the man went to the bar for a drink while it was still early. He met a beautiful woman in a bar and checked in. After the passion, the man found some talcum powder to pat on his hand and went home. When I got home, my wife was very angry and asked the man why he stayed there for so long. The man honestly replied that he had gone to the bar and had a passion with a beautiful woman. The wife asked the man to show her his hand. After reading it, he proudly said, "I obviously went bowling and tried to cheat me!" "

After the story was finished, my eldest brother said to me earnestly, "Remember, brother, you must tell your wife the truth!" " "

When the bell rang, the teacher smiled and said to the whole class, "Students who are clamoring for school should not panic, and they will not delay class. Please don't chat with people who eat instant noodles. Tell the students playing poker in the back row to be quiet, and don't affect the sleep of the students in the front row. Students who look at the scenery by the window are called students who play basketball on the playground, so that I can arrange my homework. The students on the road remember to inform the students in the Internet cafe about today's homework. "

Man: What shall we eat tonight?

Woman: Whatever.

M: How about hot pot?

Woman: No, eating hot pot will give you acne.

Man: How about Sichuan food?

W: I just ate Sichuan food yesterday, and I ate it again today. ......

Man: What did you say to eat?

Woman: Whatever.

Man: So what are we going to do now?

W: Anything will do.

M: How about watching a movie? I haven't seen a movie for a long time.

Woman: Why are you so old-fashioned, like a man in the 1960s?

Man: That bowling is very fashionable, and it can also exercise.

W: What's your luck on a hot day? Aren't you tired?

M: Then find a coffee shop for a drink.

Woman: Drinking coffee affects sleep.

Man: What did you say?

W: Anything will do.

M: Then go home.

Woman: Look at you.

Man: Take the bus and I'll walk with you.

W: The bus is dirty and crowded, so forget it.

Man: That's a taxi.

W: It's not cost-effective to walk such a short distance.

Man: Let's go. Let's go for a walk.

W: Which way do you go on an empty stomach?

Man: So what do you want?

Woman: Look at you.

Man: Let's eat first.

Woman: Whatever.

Man: What to eat?

W: Anything will do.

Male: ... I rolled my eyes and vomited blood. ........

When I was nine years old, I traveled to Beidaihe and joined a tour group.

At that time, IQ and speech were not good.

Two aunts in the same trade, one surnamed Lu and the other surnamed Dai.

These children are called "Aunt Lu" and "Aunt Dai"

Once I was sent to invite these two to dinner. I rushed into the room, panting as I ran, and my tongue rolled up.

give a yell

"Carp, hairtail, eat!"

Qi is dating his girlfriend. When he sees someone in front who looks like his girlfriend, he goes up and pats her ass. She slapped him as soon as she turned her head. Then someone patted him on the shoulder ... As soon as he turned around, his girlfriend slapped him.

Damn it!

I posted a post, and then a guy came over and said, "Landlord, can I ask you a question?" I asked him to ask, and then he didn't respond for a long time. Finally, he said, "I'm done."

1. Xiaoming was transferred to a missionary school by his parents because of his poor math. Six months later, I got straight A's in math. Mother asked, "Is the nun teaching well? Is it a good textbook? Is it a prayer? " "Neither," Xiao Ming said. On the first day of school, I saw a person nailed to the plus sign, and I knew ... they were serious. "

One day, I took a biology exam, and one of the questions was to guess the name of a bird by looking at its legs. A student really couldn't understand it, so he tore up the paper in a rage and was ready to leave the examination room. The invigilator was very angry and asked him, "What class are you in? What's your name? " A student lifted his trouser legs and said, "You guess, you guess.

A boy has a crush on a girl for a long time. One day in the self-study class, the boy finally got up the courage to write a note to the girl, which read: In fact, I have been paying attention to you for a long time. After a while, the note came back, which read: Please don't tell the teacher, I promise I will never eat melon seeds in class again.

There are two lovers in the park who are very sweet. The girl said coquetry, "Husband, I have a toothache." The boy kissed the girl and said, "Does it still hurt?" The girl said, "It doesn't hurt." Later, the girl said, "My neck hurts." So the boy kissed the girl's neck and said, "Does it still hurt?" The girl said happily, "It doesn't hurt anymore." An old lady saw it and couldn't help saying, "Young man, you are really amazing. Can you treat hemorrhoids?

The only difference between a friend and an assassin is that the assassin stabbed you in the back and you turned around and said painfully, Ah, who are you? A friend stabbed you in the back. You turned around and said in surprise, Ah, it's you!

I broke up with my girlfriend two days ago and agreed not to contact. The next day, I checked the monthly subscription of my mobile phone and found that there were still 499 minutes left in the monthly subscription of our point-to-point call, so I sent her a short message: there were still 499 minutes left in our couple's monthly subscription. Why don't we cooperate for another month and divide it up next month? She said: Yes, it can't be cheaper. China mobile.