What are the latest classic jokes?

The most comprehensive version of Mr. Dongfang’s jokes - Personal worship is strictly prohibited

1. Most of the classmates are from Hankou. In the future, you can say to foreigners: I'M FROM HK. That's awesome. , foreigners think you are from Hong Kong. But my classmates in Wuchang, I suggest you not to say that.

2. You can download some word-memorizing games online and have fun. Some people say this is boring. It doesn’t matter, just play it as Super Mario. What? You don’t know Super Mario? Then I can only say, this classmate, you didn’t have a childhood.

3. Someone asked me if I had passed the CET-4 exam. What to do if you memorize words? I can only answer four words: participation is important. If you think you can take the test without memorizing words, then I can only say that this is your illusion.

4. Lao Yu There are still two unfulfilled dreams in my life. One is to establish New Oriental University. The other is to acquire the New Oriental Chef School. Otherwise, it would be too embarrassing. If you go out and say that I am from New Oriental, others will think you are a chef.

5. Everyone will meet the reading teacher in the next class. He is the legendary Suo Nan. He is a suo man. Because he has been using the same brand of perfume for a long time: SIX GOD. Don’t you know? Such a famous brand Don’t know? Liushensha!

6. Students, don’t be nervous when you enter the CET-4 examination room. You will find that New Oriental teachers are with you. Because every year CET-4 and CET-6, TOEFL, GRE exams, New Oriental They will send a group of strong men to take the exam to steal the papers. When you find the teacher in the exam room, don't get excited, keep your inner peace, serenity and reserve. The teacher will help you. Don't wait until the middle of the exam to steal the teacher's papers. Just copy it. You need to be skillful. For example, ask the invigilator: Question 8 is not clear. Then you will hear a familiar voice behind you saying: Option C of question 8 is not clear.

7. Students, this question is very funny, very funny. It doesn’t matter. Let’s work on it together. (Teacher, you are so good at speaking~)

8. Don’t be BS. Suo Nan looks like someone from an idol drama. Don’t you believe it? I think he looks like Shancai’s father in Meteor Garden!

9. Everyone knows that Lao Yu is A crazy cash lover. For a long time, New Oriental paid salaries in cash. Everyone knows that New Oriental teachers are paid based on class hours. Who takes the most classes? Why is this so weird? Whose money That’s a lot. On the day of salary payment, I took a lady’s small handbag, thinking it was enough to carry my salary. Then Teacher Xiaoyun came over and I took a look, and he had brought a lockbox! Oh my god! I collapsed. After a while , MR. Tragedy came. When I saw it, he was carrying a net bag! Now I completely collapsed. How many lessons have they received?!

10. It’s very useful for everyone to watch movies to practice listening. Okay. Generally speaking, I recommend that you watch some old movies with more dialogues. How old are they? I don’t need to watch movies that are older than "Roman Holiday". A classmate in my last class told me that he watched more An old movie. I asked what it was. He said: ! Oh my God! Does this movie have sound? Use silent movies to practice listening. This guy is really tricky!

11. Do you know that the baby's vision is not fully developed and everything he sees is blurry? Don't think that when your little baby sees you smiling, it means he likes you. Your head is like a blurry egg in his eyes. When you see a Don't you laugh when the eggs are dangling? (Then he starts to talk about the topic, and after a while, he suddenly stops) Why are you looking at me and laughing?

12. What is "love"? Look at it Many of you here are in pairs. There are also many classmates. Don’t look at them now being single. There must be quite a few who are not here to study seriously, but to achieve a beautiful revolutionary relationship.

14. Foreigners say: "Why not?" which means I agree. But Chinese people definitely don't say this. Suppose your dad wants to invite you out for dinner and says to you: "How about going out for dinner at night?" "You stared straight at your dad and said: "Why not?" Your dad said: "I--fuck--" and then he will definitely kick you out.

15. Everyone here

There are men. There are women. There are boys and girls sitting together. You don’t know each other. But I insist on describing you as a couple. How do you do it!

16. [丫" in Beijing dialect is a very magical word. It can only be used after a personal pronoun. Can it be followed by "我"? Someone comes up to you and asks: "Hey, what are you doing?" [I'm not doing it. What!" Is this human speech? So it cannot be used in the first person.--So the word "師" is very magical. Call it a curse word. Not entirely, call it not a curse word. You definitely don't dare to say it to your dad Well, your dad comes home from work. As soon as you see him, say: "Hey! Are you back?"--

17. This teacher knows the answers to the reading questions in advance and gives them to you. Let’s talk about reverse thinking. So what kind of students does the teacher like the most? A classmate came over with a question and asked: [Teacher, why did you choose C for the answer to this question?” The teacher said: [Oh--this, this, this, this-- "After speaking, the classmate said, thank you, teacher, and left. What kind of student does the teacher hate the most? A classmate came over with a question and asked: "Teacher, what should I choose for this question?" The teacher didn't read it either. Just say: "You choose first!" "Nonsense! Why come to you if I know which one to choose?!" There is also a kind of student who the teacher hates to the bone. Say a classmate came over with a question and asked: "Teacher .Why did you choose C for the answer to this question?" The teacher said: "Oh - this, this, this, this, this -" After speaking, the classmate suddenly said: "Oh, teacher, I'm sorry! The answer to this question seems to be D. Oops. !" The teacher must have been embarrassed. He said: "Hey - oh, yes. It's D! I didn't see it right just now -" Then he talked about D again. The classmate said: "Oh, teacher, I'm really embarrassed. I suddenly thought Get up. You should choose A for this question - "This can easily destroy your teacher's self-esteem and enhance your own sense of satisfaction. But don't use it indiscriminately! Just try it once or twice.

18. There is a projectile device. It was used in the Three Kingdoms period. Do you know? A catapult is a board with four wheels underneath. People push it all over the ground. There is something like a manure scoop on the board. In front of it is a catapult. Someone pulled a brick into the dung scoop. The person in front pulled it down. The dung scoop suddenly stood up from the ground. The bricks inside flew out. Look over there again. -"The ground beat him to death.

19. You need to subvert a common sense: Can you still write when the teacher says to stop during the exam? In fact, you can. You have to be writing an essay. The result time is Here we are. The teacher said: "Stop!" You can still write. The teacher said: "You have stopped writing!" You can still write. The teacher said: "Stop writing! This is unfair to others!" You can still write. You can write. The teacher said: "Hey, what's going on with that boy? I'm talking about you!" Hey! Stop writing as soon as the pen is put down. Otherwise, the invigilator will think that you are challenging his authority.

20. It is said that the teachers who entered New Oriental have a good voice. In the first year, it was Bai Ling. In the second year, it was Na Ying. In the third year, it was Tian Zhen. In the fourth year, he became Wu Bo. This is my fifth year. Already. It is developing towards Zang Tianshuo.

21. Do you think there are more people buying genuine disks or pirated disks? That must be piracy! A genuine one costs 30 yuan and a pirated one costs 5 Yuan. And sometimes the pirated ones are of better quality than the genuine ones. The most important thing is that the after-sales service of the pirated discs is good! You said you want to buy a disc, but you can’t see clearly. Just go to the guy who sells the disc. Then tell him, "This is a little unclear. Can I change it?" He definitely said: "Okay! Let me change it for you." What's even more funny is that sometimes you go to a person to buy and you buy too much. They all know each other. Then you bought a piece of lt;金甲GT; and looked at it. After reading it, you felt it was boring. Take lt;金甲GT; and go there and say to him: [Hey buddy, this plate is boring. Can you change it for me? "Watch one?" He definitely said: "No problem! I will find a good one for you!" How good it is! You want to go to Xidan Book Building with your "Golden Armor" and say: "This film is not good for you." It looks good. Can you give me another one? "The security guard must have said to you: [Get lost!"

22. Some students asked me, "Teacher," I tried very hard to memorize the words, but always Memorize it the night before and forget it the next day

Yes. Why is this? Yes. Why is this? Why do you forget? Because you are human beings. Because you are human beings. Give you an Oxford English-Chinese Dictionary. You can memorize it all after reading it once. Then you must put on your underwear Wear it outside--Superman. A model for wearing underwear outside.

[Zhang Hongwei] The problem of naming: Both China and the West are unwilling to name flowers or weeds. What about peonies and roses? They are small red and green. It changes your taste as soon as you hear it; Zhang Jian and Li Jian, but you can’t call them Fan Jian (bitch); there used to be a Jian (bitch) school in Beijing. If you call for consultation, the service lady will say: Hello, bitch.

[Zhang Hongwei] I have a dream...China has had bumper harvests for seven consecutive years, while the United States has had seven consecutive years of drought and no harvest. The United States has immediately been reduced from a superpower to a third world developing country. Many Americans dream of coming to China, so we ask them to take the TOEFL and GRE in Chinese. The classical Chinese test is too easy. If they want to take the test, they have to take the oracle bone test. Moreover, it is stipulated that only writing brushes and tortoise shells can be used to answer the questions. The first question tests Lei Feng and his life. The relationship between bees is worth 50 points!

[Key] I have nothing to ask of you in class. You just need to keep your mind active and make yourself comfortable. In particular, if you drink milk, just don't choke. Just don’t affect others when you eat, especially don’t eat Japanese beans, which make a loud crunching sound. This is everyone’s moral bottom line.

[Key] Teach you four usages to ensure you are invincible in English: Oh yes. ／Oh no. ／Really?／I don’t think so. Do you want to repeat it to me?

[Key] Students take notes without reading them. This is the nature of students. The books I brought to Chengdu this time can be placed in a small room, but I will definitely not read them, never and never.

[Key] I long for the decadent life of capitalism.

[Key] Let me tell you that life is about perseverance. I can see that you are very happy today. Let’s persevere for a while, and... there are still 4 hours left, right?

[Key] Today's children have learned to pose in the shape of terracotta warriors and horses at the age of 4, with their eyes thinking like - To be or not to be, it's a question.

[Key] Want me to sing again? I won’t sing anymore. Didn’t I sing last time? I want to cry when I sing these songs. Boys go to listen to "How Much Love Can Come Again" and girls go to listen to "Later".

[Guo Zhongbao] Memorizing some unpopular words is useless except to show off, but it will be useful during the oral exam. For example, if mad cow disease appears in the exam question, and you say Mad Cow Disease, the examiner will nod at most, thinking that this is an intermediate level. If you say BSE, the examiner will think well and know the abbreviation, but if you blurt out Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy, the examiner will definitely be on the spot. I was dumbfounded, this guy is a bull, and he is also a mad cow!

[Guo Zhongbao] Many students will be very nervous during the oral exam, so they perform abnormally. For example, once a student heard Microsoft while interpreting, and he didn't react at once, so he translated it into McElsoft. When an article was translated, it was all McElsoft. The examiner burst into laughter while listening to it, but he couldn't laugh out loud and his face cramped up.

[Guo Zhongbao] I summed up a method of learning English at that time. After I returned home, I taught my method to my younger brother. In the next year, I wanted to be lazy, so I didn’t use this method, but My brother persisted, and then he got an offer from Oxford University, and I could only work as a teacher at New Oriental here.

[Hao Bin] Students, please don’t lie down on the table. I have a lot of experience in this regard. When I was in college, I lay on the table in almost every class, so every one of my books was very dirty.

[Hao Bin] ECONOMIST is a very good magazine. If you go to the UK in the future, if you pick up a copy of ECONOMIST, you will have the... external characteristics of a British upper-class person.

[Hao Bin] Why do everyone look at me with such indifferent eyes? Don't you understand? Alas, why do people always use this method to humiliate my English pronunciation.

[Hao Bin] For the following short answer questions, even if you can’t write them out, don’t leave them blank. You have to make up two words of what you want to say. For example, if he asks you “Who is he?”, you should answer it. "He is a person who is..." No matter how crazy the examiner is, he will still give you a point... Hey, why do everyone look at me as if they think I am shameless?

[Hao Bin] One of my classmates went to the UK to study and his whole person changed after he came back. He used to be a very straightforward and rude person, but he actually became polite after he came back. At our class reunion, he and I arrived first. It was very hot that day, so I said we should go in first. There is air conditioning inside. He refused, saying that the female classmates in our class hadn't arrived yet and I had to wait. When they come and go in together, I said, when did you become so disgusting? Just go in first. Later, after dinner, we had to cross the road. It was a red light, but there were no cars around. According to a normal physiological reaction, I jumped up and wanted to rush over. Normally, he should rush faster than me, but that day he Suddenly he hugged me and I said why are you hugging me when there are so many people here? He said how could you jaywalk, how could you be so shameless? At that moment, my eyes were moist. I think this is the influence of culture. Another week later, I accompanied him to buy a computer, and then I was surprised to find that he had returned to the kind of virtue he had before going abroad, so I sighed again, this is the influence of culture, the influence of culture.

[Hao Bin] The Israelis are actually very good to us, China, but we are average to them. Every time we want advanced technology, we first think of buying it from Israel, and then the Israelis get very angry, "Don't talk about money! We are brothers, talking about money hurts our feelings!" The reason why the Israelis are so kind to us is because During World War II, Shanghai took in a large number of Jewish refugees. At that time, the Nazis were very powerful and no one around the world dared to take in Jews, but Shanghai did. This is actually because the people in Shanghai at that time were relatively stupid and couldn't tell who was who. From our perspective, foreigners all looked the same... The Japanese army at that time also surrounded the Jews in a concentration camp. They did not kill them, but did not give them any food. They eat. The old ladies in Shanghai were soft-hearted and threw the chicken legs in through the wall when they saw how pitiful the Jews were. So a dozen Jews grabbed a chicken drumstick. I have a classmate who is studying in Israel. He said that it feels very good there. All you have to do is stand in the middle of the road and shout, "I am from China," or add, "I am from Shanghai," and a bunch of chicken legs will come to you. You flew over.

[Hao Bin] If someone puts cow embryos and human embryos together for cultivation, what will happen? Could it be said that he is a great person?

[Hao Bin] There was a time when I had to get up at four o'clock in the morning, so I used four alarm clocks, but when the alarm clock woke up everyone next door the next day, I still didn't wake up. So I thought of another way, drinking water before going to bed, and woke up to the call of nature the next morning.

[Wang Lei] There are two famous beauties in ancient China, Lin Daiyu and Yang Guifei. The former is a beauty who is in love with a horse, and the latter is a beauty who is in trouble...

[Wang Lei] The World There are only three kinds of people in the world, namely men, women, and female doctors.

[Wang Lei] The so-called PHD is permanent head damage (permanent brain damage)

[Wang Lei] The teachers at Nanjing New Oriental often play football together, and I play the position on the field. He is a "free man", that is, he can run around freely and basically cannot touch the ball...

[Wang Lei] In ancient China, people caught fireflies and read books. So why are you so busy reading every night? Because he Busy catching fireflies during the day...

[Wang Lei] Do you know how to play 80 points? Ah, you can’t do this. Life is incomplete. According to scientific surveys, the top ten richest people in mainland China 8 are all bridge masters.

[Wang Lei] Without the experience of dumping and being dumped in college, life would be incomplete...

[Wang Lei] Lao Yu’s biggest wish is to bring New Oriental Chef School to Acquired, every time there is a meeting, there is a teacher in the front and a chef in the back...

[Wang Lei] I once met an old black man in college. He taught me English and I taught him Chinese. Once we were two I went to see a movie one night and bought only one ticket. The old black man closed his eyes and mouth and went in directly, because the guard couldn't tell that this was a person...

[Wow Liang] Do you know that people in Egypt and India do not use papyrus? After they responded to the call of nature, do you know what happened to them? They clean it with their left hands and then rinse it with water. It's so dirty. But every time I pass by a certain building and see the long queue to buy Indian pancakes, I hide my face and leave with a smile. In the past, you know, you couldn't shake the Indian pancake with just one hand.

[Xu Jianjun] "When China becomes stronger, we will let the little devils learn Chinese. From elementary school to junior high school, from junior high school to high school, and from high school to college, they will have to take the Chinese language test and answer the questions with a brush. This is polite, but it really won't work. Each person gave them a knife and a turtle shell, and asked them to carve oracle bone inscriptions. The title of the essay was: "On Three Represents". Download RealPlayer from: # For the safety of your computer, please only open URLs from reliable sources. Open URL Cancel