If there is an afterlife, I want to be a butterfly.

At 2: 30 in the morning, the sleeping silence was cut by the harsh ringtone of the mobile phone. I instinctively stuffed my head into the quilt, but the short and rapid vibration didn't stop at all. In the dark, I took the phone and crustily skin of head "hello". There was a whimper on the other end of the phone. I squinted at the screen of my mobile phone, but I dropped it.

Luo is my best friend. She went to Beijing alone three years ago. She was weak, and just a few days after she went, she felt sick, vomiting and diarrhea. I said, why are you doing this? Why not let him come to you? She said with a smile, because his career is in Beijing.

So there's nothing you can't let go of here.

Fall or smile. Because I love him.

Half a year later, we had a video call on QQ, and she was as white as a sheet. When I asked her what was wrong, she faltered and said that she and her first child were missing. I felt a sudden sadness in my heart. Through the screen, I asked loudly, where is Du Xiao who was cut? ! She coughed twice and said to me, It's okay, Su Yu, I'm fine. He is too busy at work to take care of me. I can do it myself.

Autumn is like this. Nuo Nuo is always passive. She thinks it's tenderness, I think it's cowardice. She feels that all the grievances she has suffered are because of love, but I feel that she is ruining herself.

02

Get up and come to the balcony. The night sky is clear and cloudless. I leaned against the window and lowered my head to listen to the message from the other end of the phone. I listened from choking to sobbing, and then from sobbing to crying. I asked her in a low voice, Luo, what's wrong with you? But she kept crying. I know, something must have happened.

My intuition tells me that this must have something to do with him. Who can make her cry so deeply except the man who stole her soul?

The next day, I asked my boss for three days off and flew to Beijing.

Pick me up at the airport in autumn, pale and haggard. She silently took my luggage, and my right hand knuckles gently slipped through her fingertips, suddenly cold.

She took me to her rental house and walked lightly, feeling that a gust of wind could blow her down. I looked at her fragile back, the in the mind is not a taste.

She lives in Changping, outside the Fifth Ring Road, sharing a room with others and squeezing into a small house of about 20 square meters. When I first came, I was speechless. This life is beyond my imagination. The bathroom is used by * *, and the environment is noisy. From time to time, the lampblack from the tenant next door will float in the corridor. The narrow space is depressing, and the air is mixed with the smell of mold growth.

I couldn't help asking her how she came over these two years and sat down on the bed with a wry smile.

Three years ago, your smile was not like this. I said.

03

I aborted a child for that man in my first year in Beijing. She secretly went to the hospital to do it without telling everyone. Knowing this, I jumped up from my chair and asked Luo if he was crazy. She was silent, but her eyes were full of tears.

Luo and Du Xiao are high school classmates, and they officially started dating when they graduated from senior three.

Du Xiao has always been the man of the hour in the school. He has all the bright spots of the hero in the youth idol drama. His eyes are breathtaking and his smile is dazzling. Luo has always felt inferior after being with him. She often asks me when chatting, am I bored? Does he dislike me very much?

At that time, we went to college in three different cities. In Hangzhou, I am in Nanjing and Du Xiao is in Beijing. Manager Luo likes to call me and chat with me. I used to joke with her. I said you always call me like this, and I didn't know I was your favorite person. She giggled on the other end of the phone. Stop teasing me, okay? I am not gay.

In fact, I know that depravity is too insecure. Du Xiao never lacks Yingying Yanyan. In her long-term relationship with him, her position has been in jeopardy, and she can't stand the trouble caused by distance. She just doesn't argue, she doesn't make noise, she's just silent, patient, forgiving and helpless.

I once reminded her that I said you deserved better. But she is stubborn and one-minded. She said that Capricorn is like this. Just admit it and don't look back.

04

I still remember that in the winter of 20 12, someone asked me out to sing K. That was the last time I saw her before graduation.

That day, she was waiting for me at the door, wearing a pink down jacket and fluffy earmuffs. I skipped over to say hello to her and felt as bright as the sun. But when she told me that she was going to Beijing next month, I was completely shocked.

Is it worth it for that kind of person? I stamped my feet with anger.

In KTV, Luo turned off all the lights and ordered a new song "Worth It". I cried when I sang the lyrics in it. She stopped singing, just holding the microphone and staring blankly at the big screen.

The lyrics are like this: "Our story is that love is worthwhile and mistakes are worthwhile. Is persistent, is free and easy, for others to say, not for me, for you ... "

I said fool, Luo, you are such a fool.

In the dark, she completely ignored me. There is only a flickering picture in her eyes, like a beating flame, possessed.

No one knows how many wrongs and sins he suffered during his two years in Beijing. She didn't tell me or complain to me. Just after he disappeared completely, Luo habitually called me.

In the early morning phone call, she only told me five words: I don't want to live.

05

Du Xiao is a child. It is not that he doesn't love her. He did it. It's just that his love is too short. Like a gust of wind, it easily disturbed her heart, but left no trace.

Last semester of senior three, he asked her to break up. He said he was tired and couldn't stand the pain of lovesickness in a different place. She cried and begged him not to let go. On the other end of the phone, he asked her in a strange and cold tone: Luo Xu, do you think it's interesting for us to talk to the air like this every day? Suddenly I lost confidence.

I didn't tell Luo that Du Xiao has a girlfriend in Beijing, with a prominent family and lovely appearance. They have been living together for several months. I didn't tell Luo that we broke up not because he couldn't stand the distance, but because he moved on and stopped loving her. I didn't tell Luo. I was afraid she couldn't stand it.

She came to me like crazy that day. The moment I opened the door, she stood in front of me unkempt and unkempt, as if she had lost her soul. I don't know what to say, just take her into my arms and pat her on the back.

There was no sound when Luo cried. I know she is afraid of being heard and causing jokes. She has a strong self-esteem.

She held me tightly as if I were her lifeline.

I said, forget it, he doesn't even want you.

She said, no, I still love him.

06

It turned out that Luo had long known about Du Xiao's affair. They have so many friends, and there are not a few who have tipped them off. She just pretended not to know anything, she just pretended not to ask anything.

It was snowing heavily in Nanjing the day I was put on the train. Sitting next to me, shivering. I looked at her still listless and couldn't help hugging her.

I said, love yourself.

She gave a low well and didn't speak again.

Before getting on the bus, I waved desperately to her, indicating that I would remember to call later. She turned to look at me, blinked feebly and squeezed a smile on her face.

I thought her story with him was completely over that winter.

However, I am still too simple. Degenerate stubbornness is beyond my imagination. I should have guessed. When she wrote the sentence "If she can do it, so can I" in her own space, I should know that she will give up everything here for him, she will die for him, and she will make up for him.

07

19 12 In the spring, I went to that strange city, Beijing. She lied to her family about going there for an internship. She assured them that she would take good care of herself. Actually, she went to see him.

She thought that if she went, he would turn back. She thought that she could give him what he wanted. Therefore, even if there is an abyss or poisonous wine in front of her, she can jump down and drink it in one gulp.

It's not that Du Xiao never wavered when he was down. At that time, he had a quarrel with a rich girl, and she kicked him out. Just when he was down and out, Luo appeared. Du Xiao hugged her with a runny nose and tears, told her that she was wrong and begged her to forgive. He said he missed her, wanted the past, and wanted to go back to the past.

In just a few words, I hit the softest part. Go back. Isn't that what she always wanted? So she accepted him again.

They had a good time. She washes clothes and he cooks. She put her arms around his waist from behind and put her head on his back.

She likes noodles cooked by him best. A few pieces of barbecued pork, three or two vegetables and a boiled egg are perfect.

She is infatuated with his every move, every expression and every word.

She would secretly take pictures of him while he was asleep and watch his eyelashes flutter up and down with the rhythm of inhaling and exhaling.

She thought she would spend her life like this with him.

08

Luo said that she cried happily when she was pregnant with her first child.

What kind of feeling is that? Joy, surprise, excitement and gratitude. That's the child of the person she loves most. Every time I think about it, she can't help herself. But when she told him about it, his mouth didn't raise the radian it deserved. He choked himself after drinking saliva, and then stammered repeatedly to confirm to her. Really? This is not true, is it? That's not true. Are you sure?

She was suddenly depressed. She said she knew about the child, and he didn't want it.

So, she patted him on the shoulder and pretended to joke, saying, I lied to you and wanted to scare you.

He breathed a sigh of relief and collapsed on the sofa. Fortunately, it's fake. Fortunately, you lied to me ...

Why didn't such a man listen to me and leave him early? ! I growled and landed with a face of hate for iron not to produce. You just don't love yourself!

Don't talk, just cry in front of me, cry all the time.

You know how to cry when I say it. What can you do except cry? I went to pick her up and wanted to settle accounts with that bastard, but she wouldn't leave anyway. She said, I've lost all my face. Let me keep my last bit of dignity.

I looked back at her with tears all over my face, only to feel my nose sour.

09

The rich girl found her when she was pregnant with her second child. She gave her some money to leave him. She refused, so she stepped forward and gave her a slap in the face. She said, I'm ashamed to give you face. When I'm a mistress, I don't want to set up a chastity memorial arch. You'd better accept the money, or I won't leave it at that.

Sitting on the sofa, clenching his fist, the whole popularity is shaking. She suddenly stood up and threw a pile of money on the table in the rich girl's face.

Get out with your stinking money!

A rich girl can't stand such humiliation. She left a cruel word. She said, I won't let you go. You wait for me.

Three days later, something really happened to Du.

I heard that a rich girl complained to his company that he cheated mistress and had bad thoughts and behaviors, and asked the company to expel him as scum. The whole thing was raging in the company, and photos of Luo and Du Xiao began to appear on the Internet. The following comments are unsightly, and public opinion has pushed them to the forefront, and everyone is criticizing their behavior.

Luo called Du Xiao, and the voice prompted him to turn it off. She kept calling until her cell phone was almost dead and I couldn't get through. She curled up in the corner of the hospital, desperate and helpless, and then she remembered to call me.

Luo said that she really just wanted to hear a word from him, a word that could prove her innocence. However, he chose to disappear.

Should the child stay? Luo cried and told me that his father didn't love him.

10

Three days later, Luo followed me out of Beijing. We went back to X city, back to this home.

It's good to be back. Fall down in front of me and breathe the breath of every grass and tree with open arms. I looked at the still thin figure under the neon flashing, in a trance, thinking that nothing had happened yet. Autumn is still the one in high school. The one who doesn't know how to refuse is a little shy, but he is stubborn inside.

I seemed to be in a particularly good mood that day. She dragged me to the park to swing for a while and told me many interesting things at school.

She said, you know what? I especially envy you. You have a warm family and a boyfriend who loves you and is doing what you want, which is very good, very good.

It is getting late. Let's leave now. I'll take you home.

Luo said no, I don't want to go home for the time being today. Take me to the hotel. I want a quiet night.

I will never forget the moment before 2 13 closes. Through the door, I saw Lou waving and smiling at me. She stood there quietly, as if telling something. Time suddenly slowed down, and many past events quickly turned over in my mind. I suddenly feel a little stuffy in my heart. I always feel that something is wrong, but I can't say what is wrong.

1 1

The next day, I fell dead.

The news spread quickly in the circle of friends.

A woman died of carbon monoxide poisoning in the bathroom. I looked at the shocking red headline on the news of the website, and my legs went soft with fear, kneeling on the ground.

Soon, the police found me.

They said that I was the only one who called the deceased before his death, except Xiao.

I followed the police to the police station, and my mind was blank. The police officer who took my statement poured me a glass of water and told me not to be tight. I'm holding a paper cup and my hands are shaking all the time. I said I wasn't nervous, I was scared.

I cried and said to the police officer, tell me quickly, tell me that this is not true. Yesterday, yesterday, I was with her, she was fine, and she was joking with me. How can this person say that she is gone?

As he spoke, his emotions gradually got out of control. I said, you know what? She said that it didn't snow in X city this year, and she really wanted to see it snow again. She said that after so many years, I don't know how all my classmates get along and how many weddings she missed. She said that she couldn't get used to the food in the north and couldn't stand the weather there, so she preferred her hometown. She said that she missed the past and those carefree days. If possible, she said she wanted to go back to senior one and the days when she didn't know him. ...

Du Xiao, it's Du Xiao's fault! He's a drug Lord!

I couldn't help crying in the police station.

12

After I went back, I helped to sort out my left-behind relics and found a diary. The diary is very thick and textured. Open the title page, the lower left corner impressively write Luo Xu two words. There was a pause, and my vision began to blur.

I quietly took my diary, as if taking my soul. I read her story quietly, as if I had walked into her world.

What is recorded in the diary is all the secrets in her heart. How she fell in love with him, how she was hurt by him, and finally, all became her persistence and trust in him. However, her forbearance and dedication did not get his sincerity. His short stay was like her spiritual opium. One sip made her addicted, and the other one killed her.

I don't know how painful and lonely I am when I write this diary. Her broken family can't understand her, the people she loves don't love her, her innocence is defiled, her self-esteem is trampled on, and she can only get rid of it by death.

The last article in the diary, written on February 4, 20 15, was just twelve words, but it made me burst into tears.

She said that if there is an afterlife, I want to be a butterfly.

13

After Luo left, many former classmates posted their condolences on the Internet. Few people believe that Luo Zhen has left.

It is said that in the month after he left, Du Xiao received countless messages and phone calls against him every day, and his personal homepage was forced to close because he couldn't stand the abuse.

I don't think he will have a good life.

In this life, he failed to love her well. She is a pavilion and he is a tourist. She can't catch him because he is like a gust of wind. She can't keep him, because no flower can keep the butterfly.

Next life, then

In the next life, let him exchange with her. He is a pavilion and she is a butterfly.

"Why do people die because they are moved? Is there a connection between soul dreams and leaving before embracing each other? Why do people have the courage to fall in love at first sight, and it is a long journey for people to reach the ends of the earth ... "

Whenever I hear Rene Liu's Butterfly, I always think of Luo, a woman who longs for love and a girl who hopes to become a butterfly in her next life.

Postscript: The prototype of this article is a high school classmate of mine. To this day, I still think this is a dream. No one wants to believe that she is gone. Social software that can stop updating tells us that she is really gone. I hope all girls cherish their lives. Even if you love someone again, you should learn to cherish yourself. Life is precious. Everyone comes to this world only once. No matter how hurt you are, remember that you still have friends, relatives and many people who love you. Don't go to a dead end for the time being. That's really not worth the candle.