80 funny jokes

Four-year-old cousin was playing alone in bed one day, and her father was watching TV by the bed ... Suddenly she accidentally fell off the bed, got up quickly, walked up to her father, slapped her father decisively and said, "What do you think of the child?"

Kitten: "My mother is a master and my father is a doctor." Xiao Xin: "What's the big deal!" Kitten: "Who are your parents?" Xiao Xin: "My father is a man and my mother is a woman."

My cousin was forgetful when he was a child. Once his father was pestered by him and slapped him.

I just cried.

Then I decided to go to my mother and tell my father.

So he walked around our big house and then went back to his residence to see his father.

At this time, he rushed to hug his father and cried, "Dad, mom hit me."

In the geography examination paper

1. China's iron is-?

2. China is full of coal.

Answer 1. Hard 2. Black.

Rich children's composition

I was born in a very poor family. I remember when I was a child, my father's life was boring and he only counted money all day. My mother, too, sweeps money all day. My family lives in the mountains, and it is very troublesome to go out to buy things every time. It takes five hours to drive a Porsche and four hours to drive a Mercedes. Although there are helicopters at home, it is difficult to find parking spaces there, which is quite inconvenient;

I go shopping occasionally. My parents are afraid that I will be kidnapped, and there are more than 20 bodyguards with me. Everyone will scare me away when they see me, so I have been rejected since I was a child. ........

Because my home is in the deep mountains, it is very cold every winter, and my father also says that it is very troublesome to go out to buy things, so there is no heater in winter ... no quilt ... I can only burn money with my parents to keep warm every day ... and I can only sleep with money when I sleep (I think the pound is warmer). I remember when I was a child, my father once put a small sheep motorcycle in my room because the room was too big to run out of the room and wet my pants, so that I could rush out of the room in 1000 10 minutes, cross a corridor of 5 kilometers and reach the toilet in 800 square meters (I often get lost in the corridor); Dad also asked someone to build 20 more 600-square rooms with 250-square toilets. He said: If you get wet, just change rooms. If the room is not enough or too small, tell dad that dad will find someone to build more rooms. Our life is very difficult. You must put up with it! ! Now that I think about it, Dad is really a kind person! !

I still remember that once, a thief broke into my dad's safe with a bomb, causing the gold coins inside to keep rolling out, and the thief was crushed to death ... I felt sorry for the thief ... It was very painful to crush the gold coins! !

He is not as lucky as the thief who was suffocated by money before.

My mother often tells me that life in our family is very difficult ~ ~ so I have developed the spirit of hard work since I was a child. My future wish is to find 200 monsters who can only eat money, eat up all the money at home and avenge those poor thieves! !

One day, a farmer sat on an ox cart and was stopped by the traffic police, saying that he didn't have a license plate. The farmer immediately wrote "Niu B 74 1 10+00".

Ant: "I am pregnant with your child"

Elephant: "giving birth"

A drunken man found his way with a bag and staggered along. He walked past a young girl and asked:

"Please tell me, miss. How many bags are there on my forehead? "

"Three." The girl answered timidly.

"Thank you." The drunk muttered, "I have to touch five telephone poles to get home ..."

Boss, the second child is flying, and the second child is airsick and has been vomiting. A bag is full, so the boss has to get it. When he came back, he found that the whole plane was vomiting. The boss asked the reason, and the second said, "I think this bag is full, so I had to drink half a bag and throw up."

A novice went to collect usury.

He took out the iou and smiled and said, It's written clearly in black and white. You owe me 1 10,000! Do you want to default? !

People say they really don't have that much money.

He threatened: Hum! Don't blame me for not reminding you! If you can't pay by tomorrow, your house will be just like it.

-He took out his lighter and burned the loan. ...

Tang Priest: This time we need to find a shortcut to learn from the scriptures!

Wukong: Flying is faster than riding!

Bajie: Shenzhou VI is faster!

Friar Sand pulled out his gun and said, I heard this thing will be sent to the west at once.

As soon as the customer came out from the drugstore to buy medicine, the drugstore boy hurried over.

Dude: Sorry, what you want is tonic water. I gave you poison by mistake.

Customer: Look at you, something terrible almost happened.

Dude: Yes, the boss will definitely scold me when he finds out. Poison is twice as expensive as tonic.

Two employees of a company are complaining.

A said, "The manager is really hateful. He wants to mess with us every day. Look, he is black and blue today, and he was a mess when he came to work. He really deserved it! "

B said, "As I expected, he was finally screwed up by his wife today!" " "

A said, "How do you know he was cheated by his wife?"

B said, "Every time he criticizes me, I send photos of beautiful women to his wife."

Late at night, a drunken tourist returned to the hotel. After a long time, he cried discontentedly, "Hey! Waiter, you

Is the elevator broken? "

"Sir, the elevator is still in normal operation. It's just that you entered the phone room. "

On the eve of the final exam, many people have the answers. Of course, I know why they are not worried. Their mobile phones are either Panasonic GD92 or Motorola T 189. Short messages can be tuned to vibrate, and you can receive information without anyone knowing.

Unlike this unlucky Nokia in my hand, the invigilator in the corridor can be summoned with a beep.

The so-called man is not as good as heaven. The examination room of our class is arranged in the East Ladder Classroom. As soon as all mobile phones enter the examination room, the information index will return to zero immediately! Only my Nokia, the information index still shows two squares, and I quietly hint to some anxious friends around me, don't worry, everything is under control.

The first class is English, and we have arranged for the master to be in other examination rooms, saying that she will send the answers on her mobile phone as soon as she finishes. An hour after the exam, Didi rang in my pocket, and I immediately felt refreshed and the message for help came.

The text message for help came, and the deadly invigilator was also listening. I generously took out a portable alarm clock from another pocket and put it on the desk.

The teacher came to ask me what was going on. I pointed to the alarm clock. "Teacher, I lost my watch two days ago." This trick was learned from China's War of Liberation, and it is called "Don't fight an unprepared battle".

The moment the teacher turned around, 20 options were copied out. Less than 10 minutes, the mobile phone rang again. I pretended as if nothing had happened. When the teacher approached, I picked up the alarm clock and turned it on face to face. I took off the battery, unscrewed the back cover and took a look. Strange to say, why? It keeps ringing. Maybe it's broken? The teacher knocked on my desk to get my attention.

One third of the multiple-choice questions on the paper are blank, so I guess I have to do it again. As soon as the mobile phone rang this time, the invigilator's old lady got angry and ran towards me angrily.

I didn't wait for her to come. I grabbed the alarm clock and slammed it on the table. "What a broken alarm clock! Endless! "

When the old lady comes over, I will send the alarm clock directly. "Teacher, please take the alarm clock away, or it will disturb the silence of the examination room too much."

The old lady breathed a sigh of relief, took the alarm clock and whispered, "There is still a lot of time. Please answer the questions well. "

At this time, my scrolls showed a bumper harvest, and I began to pass notes to my brothers and sisters around me.

At this time, the deadly mobile phone rang again!

The teacher's eyes swept this way, and my cold sweat immediately came down! At this time, I can't even touch a coin in my pocket except toilet paper. Or an old lady.

She whispered a few words to another invigilator and became serious.

I used my quick wits and turned to ask the people around me, "Do you have an alarm clock, too?"

The buddies around are very cooperative and innocent: "No."

I also wondered, "What's that noise?" The old lady came over and exclaimed, "Don't talk!" I took the opportunity to get up quickly and said that the teacher had handed in my paper. In a few minutes, comrades came out one after another and gave each other high-fives outside the examination room, symbolizing the great success of the revolution. At this time, someone asked me, who sent the last message?

I took out my mobile phone and looked at the information. Under the green background light, there are seven clear words: "The answer is wrong! Don't copy! "

The new nurse in a mental hospital was surprised to see a patient always shouting "thirteen" and "thirteen" at a well, so she asked the other nurses what was going on. The other nurses told her to mind her own business.

The little nurse still felt strange and asked the head nurse again. The head nurse told her to ignore it.

The little nurse's curiosity was aroused and she went to ask the dean again. The dean said not to pay attention to the patients, but she didn't say why.

The little nurse finally couldn't help it and ran to ask the patient why he always shouted thirteen. The patient threw the little nurse into the well without saying a word, and then shouted to the well: "Fourteen, fourteen ..."

A man was drinking in a bar with a heavy heart ... waiter: "Sir, are you in a bad mood?" Say what's on your mind! " Man: "I'm gay." Attendant: "So what?" Man: "My brother is gay, too." Attendant: "..." Man: "What's worse, so is my brother." Attendant: "... no one in your family likes women?" Man: "Yes! My sister. "

There are an American, a German, a Japanese and a China on a plane. Halfway through, the plane suddenly ran out of gas. The captain announced that someone had to jump off the plane to reduce the weight, so the American showed personal heroism and went to the door of the plane and shouted: Long live America and other countries! Then I jumped! The plane continued to fly. At this time, the captain announced: the weight is still too heavy, and one person has to jump! So the Germans stood up, walked to the door of the plane and shouted: Long live the German Empire! Jumped down, too The plane continued to fly. At this time, the captain announced: no, it's still heavy, and one more person must jump! China glanced at the Japanese, stood up and walked to the hatch of the plane. The Japanese rushed to hold China's hand: Good brother, I won't forget you! The people of China shouted: Long live the people and country of China! Then I kicked RB's people down! .

In high school, everyone has a badge. . Before a physical examination, the class teacher ran to the classroom and shouted, put on your bra and come to Zara. . The audience was silent. . .

One day, three little pigs built three huts to avoid being chased by wolves. Wolves easily destroyed straw houses, wooden houses and brick houses. Three little pigs ran as fast as they could, but the wolf caught up with them. The three little pigs said in despair, it's up to you. Allah gave up, suit yourself. At this moment, the wolf smiled and drooled and said, Then tell me where Little Red Riding Hood is.

A man kept a parrot. The parrot was so strong that all the other birds in it were killed by it. Later, the master brought back an eagle and put it together. When the owner came to see it, the parrot's hair hung outside the cage. The host said, "Not this time." But on closer inspection, the eagle died, and the parrot said naked, "This grandson is really amazing. If you don't take off your arm, you can't beat Yating. "

The prisoner was shot. The first shot didn't go off because of the poor quality of the bullet, and then the second shot was fired. . . The third shot. . . At this time, the prisoner cried and hugged the bailiff's thigh and said, eldest brother, you strangled me! It's fucking horrible.

Boss: What would you do if your husband had an affair? Manager: I will turn a blind eye. Boss: How generous of you! Manager: Then aim, then pull the trigger and shoot!

Boss: ~ ~ ~

In the theater, a performance is going on.

A spectator stood up and walked into the toilet along a row of seats. A few minutes later, he came back and asked the first audience in this row, "Excuse me, did I just step on your foot?" ""yes, but it doesn't matter, it doesn't hurt now. 」

"No, just want to confirm whether I sit in this row.

In a restaurant, woman: Are you going to marry me or not? The man was silent. W: Don't think that nobody wants me. If I get angry, I'll find someone to marry here right away! The waiter came over: Miss, you scared away all the guests in our shop.

During the airborne exercise, the officer asked: How many recruits are there this year? The little soldier said: Look at your ass when you fall! The officer said, why? The little soldier said, there are footprints on the recruits' ass!

A snack bar selling jiaozi closed down.

So she went to ask the teacher what to do.

The Lord said, you have to find a fresh corpse and wrap its meat into jiaozi.

Then sell it so that business will be good, but tell their family not to eat this kind of jiaozi, or something will happen.

The boss tried it and the effect was really good.

So she went looking for the body again.

The next day, her son will bring a lunch.

But he couldn't find it, so he went to the refrigerator to look for it.

Found a lunch box. He thought it was his and took it away.

Unexpectedly, jiaozi was left by his father in the box.

He held it up at noon to watch the next jump.

The cross in the morning is 10. Why did it suddenly become five?

He tried to put the lid on again, then opened it, and it became two again!

You know why?

Because jiaozi stuck to the lid.

The most disgusting joke is recommended after dinner.

First, when I was a child, I ate dishonestly. In order to educate me, an old farmer told me that it has been 60 years of hard work.

I never spit out my booger without food.

Second, there is a rich man looking for a servant. The topic of the interview is going to the toilet. The first few came out without washing their hands. So the rich man sent them away, and only one person washed his hands, so the rich man left him. But one day, the rich man found that he didn't wash his hands when he came out.

The rich man asked him why. The servant replied, "I brought toilet paper today ..."

Third, a man saw a store having a big sale and went in. What can I do for you? "I want to buy dog food." "We have a rule that you must prove that you have a dog."

"Where is such a rule?" "This is the case with goods on sale." The man and the salesman were grinding for a long time, but the salesman still refused to sell them to him. There is no way. The man had to go home and bring the dog before buying dog food. A few days later, the man went to this store to buy cat food. "Give me two boxes of cat food." "We have a rule that you must prove that you have a cat." It's still the same salesman. The man has been dawdling with her for a long time, but he still wants to go home and get the cat. ""Just put your hand in. The salesman put his hand in: "What is this?" Very sticky. "I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper. "

A man took his friend to visit his grandmother. While he was talking to his grandmother, his friends began to eat peanuts on the coffee table and ate them all. When they left, his friend said to his grandmother, "Thank you for the peanuts." Grandma responded, "Oh! Hmm! Alas! Because all my teeth have fallen out, I can only suck out the chocolate. I am old, cough. ...

Some people like the dish "spicy vermicelli pot" very much. Once, he went to a restaurant and ordered this dish again. But the waiter told him it was sold out. "Is it really sold out?" He asked in disappointment. "Sir, really sold out. You see, the last one was sold to the gentleman at that table. " The waiter replied. According to the waiter's instructions, the man saw a very decent gentleman sitting next to him. This gentleman has eaten almost all his dishes, but the "spicy vermicelli pot" is still full. The man thought the gentleman was wasting delicious food, so he went up to the gentleman and pointed to that one. The gentleman shook his head gracefully. So the man immediately sat down, picked up the spoon and wolfed it down. After a while, he swallowed half of it. Suddenly, he found a little mouse lying at the bottom of the casserole. After a while of nausea, the man vomited all the eaten vermicelli back into the casserole. When he was there, the gentleman looked at him sympathetically and said, "Very sympathetic eyes." I'm like this ... "

On this day, the hotel owner is making a tour in the lobby. A beggar came forward and said, "Can the boss give me a toothpick?" "The boss gave him one and sent it away. After a while, another beggar came and asked for a toothpick. The boss thought, why does the beggar want toothpicks instead of rice now? I also gave him one to send away, but it was not too old, and another beggar came. The boss said to him, "Are you here to get a toothpick, too? The beggar said, "someone threw up, but I came late." The first two beggars ate everything I could, and now there is only soup left. Can you give me a straw? "

Seven, boss, the second child is flying, the second child is airsick and has been vomiting. A bag is full, so the boss has to get it. When he came back, he found that the whole plane was vomiting. The boss asked the reason, and the second said, "I think this bag is full, so I had to drink half a bag and throw up."

If you haven't spit it out, I have to admit that you are a master, so I will try my best.

Eight. Killing skills-

One day, Big Brother and Second Brother went to the theatre again. They saw an argument about the development of the plot in the middle, so they made a bet. The boss pointed to a row of spittoons in front of him and said, "The loser should take a sip of what's there." Unfortunately, eldest brother lost, so he took a sip with a frown. They went on to bet on the following story. This time, the second brother lost. I saw my second brother pick up a spittoon and hit it hard. "The second one shook his head." No, I want to drink. The sputum in that spittoon is too thick. I really can't stop biting! "

Today, I went to school to get my diploma. When I was happy, I grabbed a passing buddy and asked, "Hey, what's the name of this school again?" The buddy glared at me and said bitterly, "How should I know? I am only a freshman! " "

A female friend's birthday, the four of us discussed sending her "Happy Birthday" at 0: 00, each sending a word, and I got the second one. As a result, they didn't send it

In a mental hospital, two people are talking: "What about my novel?" "Yes, there are too many people." Then the nurse shouted to them, "Hey, you two put the phone book back quickly."

A farmer's daughter was too ugly to marry, so the farmer had to let her go to the corn field to be a scarecrow. As a result, when she got there, she not only scared away the crows, but even scared three crows to send back the corn they had stolen before.

A kebab was transferred to the fire chemical industry, and was fired in a few days, because he always asked the families of the deceased:

How do you want it done?

A fat girl asked the manager of the racecourse: Strange, when did a camel come to your racecourse, and it was bimodal?

Librarian: To tell the truth, this is not a camel, but the horse you rode last time.

I'm too short. Oh? How short is it? A: Originally, I starred in Wu Dalang in Water Margin. B: Then.

So short? A: But the director said, "You are not tall enough."

Dude, stop touching it! You touched the top and the bottom, and your hair fell out. Such tender skin, you have touched all the water! How do you want me to sell it later? These peaches are all fresh, don't buy them!

"I saw a ghost today, which scared me to death."

"Really, what does it look like?"

"Well ... looks like a ghost ..."

Listen! I want to chase you! I thought you were! I have been looking for you! I will seize this opportunity! I must catch up with you! Dead flies!

Honey, where the hell are you? I went to the cabin where you slept, but I couldn't find you in your favorite grass and pond ... God, earth, why do you think such a big cow was lost?

In the office, there are many comrades Wang Xing, and a little comrade ranks sixth, named "Liu Wang". In a few days, there will be two new kings, Xiao Tong.

Chi finally ranked eighth ~ ~ ~ ~ What a hard life!

Is it enough?