Stand-up comedian Degang Guo

Stand-up comedy jokes Today we are going to tell the story of Journey to the West.

Four monks set out from Chang 'an and went to the Western Heaven to learn Buddhist scriptures. "DuDu ~ ~ ~" didn't fly for a few minutes, and the plane landed slowly: there was no oil. Wukong said, "Come on, let's go and see where there is a gas station."

The Tang Priest wondered, "Why did you refuel just after flying?"

"The oil tank is small and the soap box is so big, five dollars at a time."

"That has to be added to the list!"

I added it a hundred thousand times and it hasn't arrived yet. Where is this Buddhist paradise? No, the four of us together have to ask for directions. A pinch of the brakes, "cheep! ~ ~ ~ ~ "Wukong came down. Look, wow! What is this place? How so barren! Seeing an old man hoeing the ground, he hurried over.

Hi ~ hello ~ how are you? The old man turned around and said, "Why?" All right! Smells like a big stubble, Northeast China!

"Grandpa, how can I get to the Western Heaven?"

"Take a knife and rub it around your neck."

"Then where is this?"

"Tieling!"

Okay, just the opposite. Then go back. He added more than 100 thousand oil and returned to Chang 'an.

Pig thought to himself, "Master, this is not right. When can we go if we have to walk like this? The fuel tank is too small, we have to change it to a bigger one. " Three people immediately saw the pig's big lunch box. Pig head doesn't want to do this I can't help it I can't beat these three people. Who asked you to use such a big lunch box? This is it! This is a lunch box. Click and it will be installed. The fuel tank has become bigger, and it can add more than 20 yuan of oil at a time. Not that big. Yes! It's not easy.

"Du ~ ~ ~" is up again. After flying for more than half a year, I added more than 20 thousand oil return. On this day, we arrived at the Flame Mountain. Flame, roar ~! 8848 meters, you can't fly there. Mentoring will sum up. Can you ask Princess Iron Fan to fan us? The Monkey King is the brother-in-law of Princess Tiefan, so it is ok to put on a set of porcelain.

Princess Tiefan is waiting to cook the Tang monk's meat. She saw Monkey Sun coming, can she not fight? But she is no match for the Monkey King. After a dozen rounds, you can't beat the enemy. If you are defeated, let's use magic weapons to serve. Take out the banana fan and "Woo ~ ~ ~" four disciples, including people, planes, luggage rolls, lunch boxes, fan it and return to the Tang Dynasty.

The lesson is serious and the consequences are painful. After studying, the four decided to take the Datang-6 super-large fuel tank spacecraft and go around the Flame Mountain at full speed until they learned the Buddhist scriptures in the Western Heaven.

"whoosh ~ ~ ~ ~" This guy is in heaven, and he doesn't have to refuel for a day, making four people happy. But when we reached the border, we didn't know any of the four boys. The Tang Priest asked again, "Where is this?" Wukong scratched his head: "I don't know." It's all dirt and holes. It shouldn't be the west. Pig took a banner and said, "Come, Tang Priest." . "bang! It's stuck underground.

Later 1969, the spaceship came to this place again! A man came down from above, holding a small star-spangled banner in his hand, muttering, "One small step for me, one giant step for mankind!" " Therefore, regarding the moon landing, China people are actually ancestors.

Just when the book rules were about to get to the point, the four of them boarded the Datang 6 spacecraft again and then went to the west. When he returned to the atmosphere, Pig slammed on the brakes. At that time, the brake line jumped, hit and fell. When the four men saw this scene, they saw a city gate with the words "Paradise in Western Paradise" written on the gate. Four people cried with joy.

See you at the Lei Yin Temple. Let's go Just arrived at the door, a group of people shout suddenly surrounded. "Master, would you like a plate?" "Diamond Sutra, Big Dipper, Jiuyin Zhen Jing, graphic version, video version, photo version, high compression and high definition." "One is worth a hundred."

Tang Priest's face was expressionless: "Stand down! We take the true scriptures. Resolutely combat piracy. Hey! In this world, the Buddha's copyright fee is not received. " Disciples, go in quickly. "

When the Tathagata saw the four men in rags, he was surprised and said, "Where do beggars come from?"

The four men quickly explained, "We are monks who came from the East to learn from the Tang Dynasty. Sorry, I'm late. Because the fuel tank is too small. "

"What? The fuel tank is too small? " Four people haven't finished speaking, and the Tathagata is unhappy. "Not already passed? The whole set of classics, even illustrations, recordings and live-action DV have been passed down. The mailbox is not big enough? "

The four men looked at each other, puzzled. Tathagata pointed to the computer on the desk. "Don't be gentle, all the scriptures should be emailed?" You already used my classics in the Tang Dynasty. "

Stand-up crosstalk II Beijing, the ancient capital of the Six Dynasties, has a history of thousands of years. There's so much to say. There used to be a saying that there were three thousand big hutongs, and there were a dime a dozen small hutongs. There are different stories in that alley, not only in the alley, but also in the whole city of Beijing. You say the Temple of Heaven, you say Ditan, Tiananmen Square and the Forbidden City, and there are many jokes everywhere.

Today, telling this joke happened in the Temple of Heaven. When did this happen? Xianfeng nine years. This year, it was almost the winter of solstice, and the emperor went to the Temple of Heaven to worship heaven every year. Why sacrifice to heaven? The Temple of Heaven is dedicated to God. The emperor who claims to be the son of heaven comes here every year. The son of heaven looked up to heaven, but it was actually the emperor who went to see his father. Go ahead, go ahead. This job needs a reader. What does it mean to read Zhu Guan? It's the master of ceremonies. Generally speaking, assistant ministers do this job. In those days, there were no loudspeakers, microphones and speakers. For such a big Temple of Heaven, all officials of civil and military affairs stood there. How to salute, how to worship, how to kowtow, someone has to shout.

Alas, Zhu, who is studying this year, is an assistant minister in the official department. His surname is Huang and his name is brass. The Brass family has money, which is beyond our reach before becoming an official. "What kind of official are you? Now everyone who is an official can buy it, and I can also buy an official. I can't be a big official, and I can't afford it. Moreover, many officials need knowledge, but I have no knowledge. Think about it, assistant official. That's good. Also, ah, I read it this year. I wish the official come down. Just this once, it's enough for four or five years. This time, I came back with the money to buy an official. "

Sure enough, spending money on sports, this year's reading wish officer, is him. Tomorrow will be the official day. Huang Tong twisted her waist at home today. "I'm dying, but I didn't expect it. I ignored this one. " What is this? I have a bad voice in the Temple of Heaven. You need a good voice. When you shout, you must hear it. But I'm talking alone. This is Sandy and Dumb. When he said the word "sacrifice to heaven", it was hard to hear. "Sacrifice to Heaven-"(hoarse voice). The emperor was anxious when he heard it, and he was going to kill it at that time. Ben didn't come back and lost his mind. "What should I do?" Turn around with the house.

Alas, just then, I heard someone shouting outside the governor's house, "The beans are rotten." The tofu seller was puzzled by brass. "You are happy!" "Tell him to come in." I don't have much time. I came in from the outside. Tall, the young man is very energetic.

"Greetings to your Excellency."

"Get up. What's your name? "

"Tell your master that my name is gold."

"Well, it is more valuable than me. My name is brass. Well, what do you sell? "

"Go back to the master, the tofu seller."

"Well, I'll take care of you ..."

"Oh. Thank you, sir. Do you want to fry tofu? Do you want tofu? Shredded tofu, tofu slices? "

"Don't do that. In the future, don't sell tofu. "

"hey! Master, you don't sell tofu, what are you going to eat? "

"Eat a gift!"

"My Lord, if it is too big, it will be bitter."

"Or some tofu? Sacrificial ceremony. "

"I don't understand."

"It's the way it is. Tomorrow, my Lord, I will come here as a blessing officer. Listen to my voice, I think you can understand this. Nothing else. I'll teach you. You shout for me. "

"What am I calling you for? I won't. "

"Look, I didn't teach you? Ah, I said, you said. Ah, learn from me. Ok, the meter has started-come on ... "

"Ah, my schedule is open-"(imitating brass hoarseness)

"Don't learn this with me. What are you doing? According to your original, the original how to shout ... "

"So? Oh, tofu-"

"That's right, you want me to die. Remember? Huh? "

"I go back with you. Remember. "

"The ceremony began-"

"The ceremony began-"

"Welcome the emperor god-"

"Welcome the emperor god-"

"May God bless-"

"May God bless-"

"Well, tomorrow you are in front and I am behind. I say one sentence, you learn one sentence, you know? "

Did you watch "Double Spring" later? Starting from here, one by one.

The next day, at four or five in the morning. The emperor is here, civil and military officials. It's all here. Beizi Baylor, royalty, the whole Temple of Heaven is full. The emperor is at the head, followed by these princes, and the civil and military officials are arranged at the back of each class according to their grades. Go in tight, right here, the shopkeeper who sells tofu. Stand still and put on your brass suit. It's refreshing to wear a hat. Go to the station, behind you, and get down. Don't say, the emperor didn't see it. First of all, I got up too early. Second, there is a certain distance from the emperor. Third, the emperor is a little ignorant. I can't see these three things together.

When the time came, Master Huang grabbed him behind him. "Well, the ceremony begins."

"Oh, the ceremony has begun-"

Hearing this, the emperor said, "Wow! Ok! " Watch me read Zhu Guan in clear voice! "

As soon as I heard the sound, I went out, walked around the Temple of Heaven three times and poured it into my ear. "Hum-",there was an echo.

The emperor is happy and must be rewarded. Great! And shout it down—

"Welcome the emperor god-"

"Welcome the emperor god-"

"May God bless-"

"May God bless-"

Everything is fine, there is nothing wrong with the front, but the back is broken. There is a ceremony, that is, eating sacrificial meat. When offering sacrifices to heaven, there is this kind of pork, cut into pieces, cooked in a pot, and immediately served. Undercooked, cut into small pieces. The emperor, the civil and military officials, and everyone who comes have a share, which is tasteless. But this is the rule and the courtesy of our ancestors. It's unacceptable that you are ripe. Eat this. What if it's not salty or light? Have an idea. Cut out Korean paper, put it in this broth, cook it, and clamp the meat with this broth paper when eating. Take a bite of meat and lick the paper. Civil and military officials are like emperors. Everyone came prepared. It's not greasy to eat. But this tofu seller is in charge. Who will prepare for him? Take a bite, "...", that's not the smell. I want to throw up, but I dare not. Can steal a look, the emperor threw up. What's the matter? The emperor is so spoiled that he hasn't eaten anything. And gravy, not gravy paper. The emperor doesn't even like to eat cooked meat. Take a bite, "well, it's not delicious. Spit-"the emperor vomited. As soon as the emperor vomited, I vomited when the tofu seller saw it. "Spit-"He also vomited. It doesn't matter if he throws up. The one in the back is scared. "Don't throw up!"

"Oh. Don't throw up-"

Hearing this, the emperor said, "Ah, he saw it." Did he see me throw up?

This last thought, isn't it? "There is no such thing."

"Oh. Not this sentence-"

The emperor was so angry that he didn't say this. Why did you call him?

Brass was really anxious: "Don't talk nonsense!"

"Don't talk nonsense-"

"wow! How do you shout! "

"Oh, that's right. Tofu-"

It's on sale again