Modern jokes

1, I remember when I was a child, the primary school teacher scolded a student: "I slapped you out!" We dare not laugh if we want to.

2, a literary evening, the host came to the stage and announced: Please enjoy the following: Xinjiang song and dance, lift your skull! Cold!

3. A chubby boy said angrily: If the tiger doesn't give the cat, you think I'm dead!

When I was in high school, the classroom discipline was very chaotic. In a rage, the teacher picked up XXX and said, XXX, stand on the wall for me!

5. I remember a buddy in our dormitory grabbed someone else's buns and said while eating: This stuff is only suitable for buttock stuffing.

6. Me: That's our physics teacher. . .

Classmate: What do you teach?

Me: Chemistry. . .

7. In the Internet cafe, a classmate suddenly raised his hand and shouted, "Teacher!"

8. One person in our dormitory drank too much urine, and then brought out a cold sentence: if you drink too much, you will drink too much.

9. Buy oranges. Boss: 1.5 1 kg. Me: It's too expensive, five yuan and three Jin. Boss: no, no.

10, my friend asked me about the computer configuration, and I said that the monitor is a color screen. (I was going to say LCD)

1 1, junior high school art evening, grab the answering session.

Hostess: "Attention, everyone, don't grab it too fast." When I finished, I began to raise my hand. "

Then he began to look at the topic and said, "Now. . . "

At this time, a player scrambled to answer.

The host said: "This classmate is a little too anxious. I'm still in my mouth, so why did you rob me? "

12, once several middle school buddies rode out, one classmate kicked another fatter classmate's foot and wanted to scold him at the same time. I put on a pig's trotter and flew a leg. ..

13, when I was at school, I received a phone call from my classmate one day and handed it to me and said, "Your mother."

As soon as I answered the phone, I casually said, "A man or a woman?"

Everyone laughed wildly. I was laughed at for four years.

14, a classmate's high school classmate (a boy) walked into the noodle restaurant and shook his hair indifferently: "Boss, two onions don't want rice noodles!"

After that, I added: "More rice noodles!" Boss: "Do you want rice noodles or onions?"

15, once my classmate's mother called me in the dormitory.

I am used to saying "he is not in", but this time I want to say "he is out"

The result is: "He's gone ..."

16, my sister handed me a sorbet, and I took a bite and shouted, "It's burning me!"

17, a girl in the girl's dormitory fiddled with the bangs of another mm: Look at this mess, it looks like it was scratched by a dog's paw.

18, my sister and I went to Li Ning to buy shoes. My sister said, "Miss, how much are these shoes?"

19, someone in the dormitory drank someone else's boiled water, which made him jump up and shout, damn it, it was too hot for pigs to stand. ..

20. Go home on weekends when you are at school. After dinner, I was addicted to cigarettes and planned to go for a walk on the pretext. When changing shoes at the door, my father asked me why I wanted to go. I casually said, "Go have a cigarette!" As a result, my father found a pack of 555 from me and gave me a good K.

2 1, a leader of the education bureau inspected the class exercises. After the end, the PE teacher should have announced "dissolution", but in a hurry, he forgot his words and held back for a long time, shouting "retreat!"

22. One of my junior high school classmates likes to touch other people's heads. One day, he touched people's heads and said, "My head is quite round." That classmate got bored and took his hand and said, "Don't pull my eggs here."

When I was in college, there were many people in the men's toilet after class, and everyone lined up. At this time, one classmate said to the second one behind him, "Come here." B was so grateful that he quickly said, "I said how familiar the back is."

24. A teacher played mahjong all night. Seeing that the blackboard had not been wiped, he was furious: "Who is the farmer today?" Don't clean the blackboard! "

25. Once my uncle saw my sister-in-law wearing a big treasure and suddenly shouted, "You have such good skin, why do you still use soothing treasure?"

26. quarreled with mm mobile phone. She turned up the TV so loudly that I was annoyed and said loudly, "Turn off the phone for me!" " Now that I think about it, it's cold!

27. A classmate from high school in my dormitory called. He said who to look for, I said I wasn't there, and then he said thank you.

28. During the military training in the university, the instructor shouted: Look at your side door ~ ~ ~ We want to laugh but dare not. It's pathetic. ....

29. One of my classmates took another classmate's arm and walked together. That classmate said, "Oh, don't pull me, you always pull me back!"!

Life in the elevator.

Embarrassed: I want to fart in a crowded elevator.

Lucky: everyone else got off the elevator before the fart came out.

Happy: I am alone in the elevator, and it is easy to fart.

Regret: It stinks, even I can't stand it.

Shame: Someone got on the elevator before the smell dissipated.

Pain: There was only myself and another person in the elevator, and that person farted very smelly.

Depressed: The man who farted pretended that nothing had happened.

Loneliness: the farting person got off the elevator first and endured the fart smell alone.

Grievance: The fart smell hasn't dissipated yet, and someone got on the elevator.

Yu Fen: The child who got on the elevator with his mother pointed at me and said, Mom, he farted.

Crazy: Mom tells children: There are always unconscious people!