How emotional characteristics will help you manage your emotions in the future

Five ways to improve emotional management

Zhang Jing, a psychology teacher at the Department of Academic Affairs and Engineering, Beijing University of Chinese Medicine

There was a bang, and a hacker opened the door to the consulting room. The sullen father pushed away, followed by a crying child. The assistant rushed over and signaled to me that this was the next couple of visitors.

"Tell yourself to the teacher, why are you still playing? It will be 'the same' soon, and you still have time to check your phone every day?" "What's wrong with me playing for a while? I just study every day. ,Are you bothered?" The child pushed back. "What kind of attitude do you have? Let the teacher see, how can you get into college in your state?" "What's wrong if you don't get into college? What can't you do now? Will you be successful if you go to college?" The child still didn't show weakness.

Looking at the angry father and son, I thought to myself. Judging from the opening posture, it was obvious that the father had "kidnapped" the child to find a psychology teacher. The implication was, "I can't handle you, find someone to work with." Treat you”. As you can imagine, the daily life of this family is like boiling water on the stove, always boiling.

I once saw a joke. When a child makes his parents so angry, the parents should silently recite "My dear, my dear, my dear, follow me, follow me, follow me." I felt instantly relieved. Although it is a joke, it can be explained in psychology: parents cannot manage their emotions well during family conflicts, and children cannot learn good emotional management methods. When a child encounters a setback, he can only use inappropriate emotional strategies in his "resource library", which often leads to the scene at the beginning of the article.

Everyone has emotions. Emotion is a subjective experience based on whether the external environment meets personal needs. Meeting needs will produce positive experiences, while deviating from needs will produce negative experiences. This is a vivid characteristic of life. Emotion management is an important part of mental health. Research has confirmed that emotional management ability can predict subjective well-being. It marks the maturity of a person's personality and also determines the quality of a person's social adaptation.

Emotional management ability is a comprehensive ability that can be broken down into five parts: emotional awareness, emotional understanding, emotional application, emotional regulation, and emotional expression. In other words, everyone has an "emotion manual" in their mind. This manual is called upon when dealing with any emotion. For example, the angry father in the case, in the first step, when he found that his child was playing on his mobile phone without reviewing, he first realized his anger, so he blew his beard, glared, and shouted loudly. The second step is when he is unable to understand more of the content behind the anger, such as anxiety and fear - the future of the child who does not learn is hopeless and dark; and disappointment - the child is too unsatisfactory, and the parents' careful cultivation is in vain; maybe There is still shame hidden there - it is too shameful to fail the exam. In the third step, the father subconsciously felt shame and disappointment, which led to the wrong use of angry emotional strategies. Anger is an expression of aggression directed outward. Because dad is unable to accept and deal with his shame in his heart, and is eager to project it out. This is what we often call "angry from shame." The fourth step is that after seeing the counselor, the father who does not have the ability to regulate his emotions is still unable to adjust his emotions to a state of consultation and cooperation. He still scolds and criticizes the child, causing greater resentment in the child. In the last step, the ability to express emotions, Dad chose the ineffective method of criticizing and scolding to express his anger. The above 5 steps can clearly see a failed emotion management process. Dad's emotions are chaotic and disorderly, and he is unable to accommodate and appease his children's anxiety about learning.

The college entrance examination is approaching, class competition, future choices, and parents’ expectations will make children feel a variety of pressures. Their unsettled anxiety will become more irritable and out of control when encountering their parents' bad mood. In the family, when facing conflicts, try the following four methods:

Easy

When encountering unresolved conflicts, parents and children can temporarily not resolve the problem until the emotional peak has passed. Finally, everyone can choose emotional strategies rationally, calmly, and flexibly before discussing.

Redirect

Parents and children can temporarily change the topic and find things they both like and look forward to discussing to relieve the awkward and anxious atmosphere.

Retreat

If you encounter something that must be resolved immediately, you can discuss what the bottom line is for both parties. For example, the father in the case can accept at most when and how long his children can play on their mobile phones; the child can accept how long they study and what time they take a break after returning home every day.

In the negotiation of "retreat", both parties must ensure one principle: they cannot compete for the greatest interests, but can only strive for the lowest interests, so that there is room for retreat.

Tune

The second before the emotions of the parent and child explode, first use your own understanding ability to "taste" what else is behind the emotion? For example, if the father in the case can " Taste "your own disappointment, fear and shame behind the anger, raise them to the level of consciousness, understand that these emotions are your own troubles about the future and accept them, so that you will not project it to your children in an aggressive and angry way.

Managing emotions well can help parents become mature and stable. It can not only ease the parent-child relationship, but also minimize the overall anxiety of the family, allowing children to live smoothly in a relatively stable and harmonious atmosphere. The college entrance examination can also serve as a model for children, allowing them to learn better emotional management strategies, which will help children's personality stability and future psychological development.