Please tell me a joke. Laughing until your stomach hurts. Not yellow.

A male colleague went out at noon yesterday and did not take his mobile phone with him. His wife kept calling. The female colleague who was taking a nap was annoyed by the noise. She took her mobile phone and yelled: "We are sleeping, are you bothered?" As a result, the male colleague has not come to work today!

Ninth place

I was hungry in the afternoon and saw a bottle of yogurt on my colleague’s table. I drank it without thinking. After a while, my colleague came and shouted: "My face wash." Why is the milk gone? 108 yuan!" Brother didn't say anything, just walked to the toilet silently, scratching his throat, and vomited everything until he vomited out sour water, and finally burst into tears. When Chaidi returned to his seat, his colleague held a bottle and said, "I was scared to death. The facial cleanser rolled under the table. Why is my yogurt missing again?" Brother cursed in his heart: Your grandma is a bear. Drink some yogurt and kill people.

Eighth place

An old man went to the People's Bank of China to withdraw money. He walked directly to the window. The security guard came over and said: "Uncle, press the number." The old man: "What?" Security guard: "Press the number." The old man thought to himself, it is indeed a big bank. To withdraw money, you need a secret code, so he whispered to the security guard: "The king of heaven covers the tiger of the earth." The security guard helplessly pressed a queue ticket for the old man. The old man thought I thought: I’m scared to death, I was actually fooled! !

Seventh place

A beautiful female colleague, her husband brought her lunch, put it down without saying a word and left.

The new male colleague asked: Who was that just now? She answered: Delivery food. The new guy asked again: Why didn’t you give me the money? She said: No need to give it, just sleep with him at night. The male colleague was silent. The next day, he brought her a lunch of four dishes and one soup, and the whole office burst into laughter...

Sixth place

A child asked his mother: Why did you marry dad back then?

My mother said: "My mother was blind before she married your father!" The child asked his father again: "Why is our family so poor?"

Dad said: "Our family's money has been spent on your mother's eye treatment!"

Fifth place

There were many people in the restaurant, including a young couple. The couple couldn't find a place, so they shared a table with me and sat across from me. To be honest, the woman was really pretty, so I took another look, but the man noticed me. He slapped a Volkswagen car key on the table to scare me. I took a closer look, Let me go, Phaeton... I slapped a Maserati car key on the table. Bang, bang, Bugatti, Rolls-Royce, several car keys. I threw several car keys on the table. The man led the woman He walked away in despair... Really, why are you pretending to be the one with the key like me!

The fourth place

went to the bank to transfer money, and the car was temporarily parked on the side of the road. In order to avoid being fined by the traffic police, I left my friend to look at the car. I told him that a car inspector was coming to tell me. A few minutes after I entered, a traffic police officer came. The friend rushed into the bank and shouted loudly: Brother, the police are here. , hurry up! Damn it, there were dozens of people in a huge hall, and it was silent for a moment, and then the crowd poured out of the bank like a flood, and then I was pinned to the ground by five or six security guards... What a fucking injustice! Don't be afraid of opponents who are like gods, but be afraid of teammates who are like pigs!

The third uncle fell down series

(1) It snowed heavily today. I just went out and saw an old man who fell down. I went over and asked: Uncle, my monthly salary is less than Can 2,000 yuan help you get up? Uncle: Young man, you go, I'll wait a little longer. Me: Okay! Although the weather was cold, the uncle's words were warm and full of positive energy...

(2) When I was walking on the road, I saw the uncle lying on the ground. I quickly went up to help him, and the uncle looked at me. I said, "Young man, don't move. I see you are also working. You can go and I'll wait." I was moved and said quickly, "Uncle, there is a man driving a Land Rover who has parked his car and is coming over soon." The uncle also said He got excited, "You are quite honest as a young man. Why don't you just leave and be a witness for me, and buy a car to drive to work when you're done."

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(3) When I was walking on the road, I saw an old man lying on the ground. I quickly went up to lie down with him. The old man looked at me and said, “Young man, please don’t compete with me. My son wants to buy a house and get a wife.” . I said, I also want to buy a house and marry a wife, but I don’t want to gnaw at my old age. The uncle said that if you are ambitious, this land will be given to you, I will change it to another place!

Second place

Chinese language in primary school is too difficult now, look at one of their homework questions:

Requirement: Connect the following four sentences with related words:

(1) Sister Li is paralyzed;

(2) Sister Li studies tenaciously;

(3) Sister Li has learned many foreign languages;

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(4) Sister Li learned acupuncture.

(The correct answer should be: Although Sister Li was paralyzed, she studied tenaciously and not only learned many foreign languages, but also learned acupuncture.)

As a result, a child wrote : Although Sister Li tenaciously learned acupuncture and many foreign languages, she was still paralyzed.

Later, I discovered that the more powerful child wrote:

Sister Li not only learned foreign languages, but also learned acupuncture. She studied so tenaciously that she finally became paralyzed.

The reason why Sister Li was paralyzed was because she studied tenaciously. Not only did she learn many foreign languages, she even learned acupuncture.

Sister Li studied so tenaciously that she not only learned many foreign languages ??and acupuncture, but also learned to become paralyzed.

Sister Li has learned many foreign languages, learned acupuncture, and is stubbornly learning to become paralyzed.

The highlight is always at the end:

Sister Li learned many foreign languages ????and acupuncture through tenacious study, but ended up paralyzing herself after reading a foreign language version of an acupuncture book!

First place

I got into trouble today.

There were several transparent shrimps in the fish tank in the office. The boss looked at them with glasses for a long time and asked me what they were.

I said: "Shrimp!"

The leader was stunned and left...

I was also stunned and quickly explained loudly : "The leader is a shrimp! The leader is a shrimp! The leader is really a shrimp!! He is a real shrimp!!!"