I feel irritable, give me some funny jokes, thank you

1. Snakes, ants, spiders, and centipedes are playing mahjong at home. After 8 laps, the cigarette was finished. Let's discuss who should buy cigarettes. The snake said: I have no legs, I won't go, let the ants go. The ant said: The spider has eight legs, which are more than mine. Let the spider go. The spider said: No matter how many legs I have, I can't compare to the centipede. Let the centipede go. The centipede was helpless and thought: There is no way, who let me have more legs? So Centipede went out to buy cigarettes... More than an hour later, Centipede didn't come back. Two hours later, Centipede didn't come back to buy cigarettes. So everyone asked Spider to go out and take a look. As soon as Spider went out, he saw Centipede sitting at the door. Spider was very angry and asked: Why don't you go? Everyone is waiting. Centipede was also anxious and said: Nonsense! You have to wait until I put on my shoes! !

2. Late one night, when a young woman was passing by a mental hospital, suddenly a "wow" sound came from behind. The woman turned around and saw a naked man chasing her. The woman was so frightened that she ran away, followed by the man behind her. No, there is a dead end ahead. The woman is desperate. She knelt on the ground and cried and begged: "You can do whatever you want. I just ask you not to kill me." The man smiled slyly and said, "Really? Now you Start chasing me."

3. There is a lunatic asylum. One day, the dean wanted to see how many people had recovered from their illness. I asked the nurse to draw a large door on the wall. I saw every patient hitting the wall like crazy. The dean was very disappointed. Suddenly he saw that only one patient was indifferent. The dean was very happy and hurriedly ran over and asked him: "Don't you want to go out with them?" The patient replied: "These idiots, I have the key here!" "

4. In the mental hospital, two people were talking: "How is my novel? ""Yes, but there are too many people in attendance. "At this time the nurse shouted to them: "Hey, you two put the phone book back quickly. "

5. A warship was sailing on the sea. One night, a sailor suddenly noticed a light in the distance. He immediately reported to the captain: "Report to the captain, there is a ship not far away. It's heading towards us. If we don't change the course, we will collide with it!" Upon hearing this, the captain immediately called to the other party, "Call! I am the captain. Please move your ship's course 10 degrees eastward immediately!" Back to: "Call call! Please move 10 degrees to the west!" Captain: "I am a warship, you dare to ask me to move!" The other party immediately said: "Test! I am a lighthouse. If you have the guts, just hit it and try it. ?"

6. Spider and Bee were engaged. Spider was very dissatisfied, so he asked his mother: "Why do you want me to marry Bee?" Spider's mother said: "Bee was a little noisy. But she is also a flight attendant after all." Bee was also very dissatisfied, so she asked her mother: "Why do you want me to marry a spider?" Bee's mother said: "The spider is a bit ugly, but she is doing it anyway. "

After the spider and the bee got married, they were happy at first. The bee said: Oh, it's great, I can eat meat. Spider said: Ah, yes, I can taste the honey. Later we always had quarrels, and Bee said: If I don’t go out all day, I’ll break your local area network! Spider said: If you go out for a walk all day long, your makeup will fall off!

Finally reconciled, but: the bees always complained: You are too closed, always staying in your own web, can you go to the outside network to communicate with the spiders outside? Spider sighed: Alas, you don't know, the company has restricted it, and you really can't access the Internet.

7. American soldiers received a reward from Bush: if they capture an Iraqi soldier, they will receive one hundred thousand dollars! So Michelle and Yuri began searching near Baghdad. After a few days of hard work, the two of them were exhausted and fell asleep while lying on the ground. When Michelle woke up, he found that they were surrounded by more than 500 armed Saddam Hussein and guards. He hurriedly pushed Yuri awake and shouted: "Get up, we are going to make a fortune!"

8. A farmer’s daughter was too ugly to get married, so the farmer had to let her go to the cornfield as a scarecrow to scare crows.

When she got there, she not only scared away the crows, she even scared three crows into sending back the corn they had stolen before.

9. A: Is your talking parrot still alive? B: Oh, don’t mention it. I didn’t expect it to die within a week of raising it. A: Died of illness? B: No, it competed with my wife in talking, until it died of exhaustion.

10. A farmer went to a car sales center. He took out 2,000 yuan and slapped it on the table: "Bring me a Santana." The salesperson was shocked: "You don't have enough money." Ah." The farmer was puzzled: "Isn't it written 'Santana 2000' on the outside?" Salesperson: "Oh... Then turn right when you go out, that company's Mercedes-Benz is only 600~~"

11. A member of a certain team had a new child, and all teammates were invited to attend the baptism and come to the church. Suddenly the child slipped from the mother's hands. The goalkeeper made a decisive save and caught the child a few centimeters from the ground. Everyone clapped and cheered, and the goalkeeper clapped twice as usual, and then kicked out skillfully.

12. The teacher asked: "Calculus is a very useful subject. What is our goal in learning calculus?" Me: "No cavities!" "

13. Teacher: "The male student stands on my left, the female student stands on my right, and the others stay put. "In the end, only the teacher didn't move.

14. In junior high school, a certain mathematics teacher was talking about equation transformation. He rolled up his sleeves on the podium and shouted: Attention, students! I am going to transform!

15. My junior high school teacher likes to use "My base radius is 20CM, my height is 50CM, then I..." Someone below said "I am a loser..." The whole class burst into laughter...

16. The physics teacher said to the principal: "Do you know how many lessons I have taught just one clockwise and one counterclockwise lesson?" Five classes! I told them if they still don’t understand, just look at their watch. Wherever the hour hand goes, it is clockwise, and the opposite direction is counterclockwise. However, when the whole class counts, they are either mobile phones or electronic watches... If I don't resign, I will teach them these two words for the whole semester? "