Identity Anxiety: Interesting Phenomenon and Possible Solutions

? Reading is a kind of enjoyment, so is exchanging knowledge with others. Why do people feel anxious when these two kinds of happiness are combined? I read the book "Identity Anxiety" with this idea. What if I am anxious to be consistent with others? So how can I adjust this emotion, and how does this emotion come into being? How does it work? Let's take a look at this book-Identity Anxiety.

Status anxiety

Identity anxiety is a kind of worry. Worried that we are in danger of not keeping up with the success model set by society and thus being deprived of dignity and respect, this kind of worry is destructive enough to destroy the closeness of our lives; I am also worried that our current social class is too mediocre, or will fall to a lower level.

This anxiety is caused by the news of resignation, layoffs, promotion and retirement mentioned by colleagues in chat, as well as the celebrity profiles published in newspapers and the greater success of friends. Just like admitting that you are jealous of others (which is related to anxiety), it is rash to show your anxiety in social interaction. Therefore, the external signs that reflect your inner changes are not obvious, and are usually limited to showing concerned eyes, embarrassed smiles or too long silence after hearing other people's achievements.

A concept should be introduced here: "Our self-concept depends on what others think of us, and we depend on others' respect for us. "

Unfortunately, it is difficult to win recognition, and it is even harder to keep it for life. Unless we are in a society that pays attention to birth, and we happen to have aristocratic blood, the acquisition of high positions depends on the size of achievements; Stupidity, lack of self-knowledge, the role of macroeconomic principles or malicious attacks from others may all lead to our failure and anxiety. Along with failure comes a sense of shame: a corrosive consciousness arises, that is, we failed to convince the world of our own value, and thus gained a position of hating winners and being ashamed. Our self-image is like a balloon that has been leaking. It needs to be filled with the love of others to keep its shape. Only when there are various signs from the outside can we get a good feeling about ourselves.

? Identity anxiety itself develops gradually with the development of social economy, which is a contradiction in itself-in poor years, most people will not care about other people's eyes, because living itself has exhausted everyone's energy, and after social development gradually guarantees a decent life for individuals, people begin to have identity anxiety. Modern society repeatedly emphasizes success and achievement, and we always like to compare those who are considered to be at the same level. Every time someone else's success comes to our eyes, we begin to think, can I get this success, too?

The idea of success, or not wanting to be a loser, will make us expect more. We are always surrounded by stories of successful people, from Ma Yun to Lei Jun, as if everyone can succeed every moment-as long as he can seize the opportunity. Everyone has read the story that where there is a will, there is a way. In fact, if you don't work hard for success, you will be labeled as stupid and absurd by society. Only when we compare with the companions who grew up together, colleagues who work together, familiar friends, or people who have a sense of identity in public, will we consider ourselves lucky if we have as much or more of them. If you want to find the feeling of success, the best way is to choose a friend who is slightly inferior to yourself ... Ironically, this is also true.

1. The source of identity anxiety may come from another kind of courtship? The book says

"Once food and clothing are guaranteed, the accumulated wealth and control are no longer the key elements of our pursuit of success in the social hierarchy. What we begin to care about is actually the "love" won by our glamorous identity. Money, fame and influence can only be regarded as the symbol of "love"-or the way to get love-rather than the ultimate goal. "

"Love related to social identity is different from love between the sexes. For example, it has no sexual component, marriage is not its destination, and its giver usually has an incidental purpose. However, you can't deny that the recipient of this love can bathe in the caring eyes of others and feel deep concern, just like a couple who are infatuated with love. "

Interestingly, this kind of love is not uncommon around us. When chatting is answered, it will make people feel very happy. When favorite books and food are shared in a circle of friends, if someone replies in time, it is the beginning of a beautiful day. We always want someone to share our happiness and feel the same feelings. Our sincere desire for social interaction fills us with hope. Regardless of identity or preference, the same * * * voice as others makes us feel happy from the heart. If this love is not satisfied, no matter how comfortable the bed is, it will make people feel biting cold. Few people just pursue elegance and taste blindly, few people just indulge in luxury and enjoyment, but each of us longs for a dignity of survival. This dignity can be regarded as an unconditional love (of course, this unconditional need to be put in double quotes.

""Being paid attention to, cared for, sympathized with, praised and supported by others is the value we want from all actions. The reason why the rich forget wealth is that wealth can naturally attract the attention of the world for him. The poor are the opposite. They are ashamed of poverty. They feel that they live outside the world's eyes. Once you feel neglected by the world, the strongest desire in human nature will inevitably be difficult to satisfy. "

? -Adam Smith's Theory of Moral Sentiments (1759)

And this kind of love is interesting, it is unconditional in itself, and it is generally a natural accessory of identity. The higher the status, the easier it is to be satisfied. And obscure because you can't mention it. When people mention it, they often use harsh and sarcastic language, as if only those who are jealous and lack of spirit will have such a demand, or simply understand the pursuit of identity as the pursuit of wealth. But are we respected only for money? Or is it because the ability behind getting the money is respected? Different people have different views, but without exception, the rich will get more respect and equality, and this is the interesting place of human beings.

There is inherent uncertainty in human's judgment of our own value-our understanding of ourselves depends largely on what others think of us. Our self-feeling and self-identity are completely subject to the evaluation of the people around us. If we tell jokes to make them laugh, we have confidence in our ability to laugh; If we are praised by others, we will begin to pay attention to our own advantages. "

Our evaluation of ourselves is often full of uncertainty, so we need to borrow from outsiders. And the simplest compliment or * * * comes from something external-whether it's money or morality. From both spiritual and material aspects, how much love we can get from outsiders depends entirely on how much material or excellent qualities we have. Once we don't get praise and praise, our courtship will quickly become hungry. If it is not satisfied, the desire in our hearts will be whipped on our self-esteem like a whip, which will make us feel uneasy all day long.

2. Anxiety caused by snobbery, excessive expectation and elite worship.

In Britain, the word snobbery first appeared in 19 in the 1920s. It is also said to be related to a habit of Oxford and Cambridge University at that time. At that time, Oxford and Cambridge universities usually consciously distinguished ordinary students from aristocratic children on the examination roster, and used to add "sine nobilitate" to the name of ordinary students, abbreviated as "s.nob".

The original meaning of the word "snob" refers to people who have no prominent position. But this meaning has changed a lot in modern times, almost completely opposite to the original meaning. Refers to people who look down on others because they have no social status. Obviously, people use it with a strong derogatory color, and use it to describe a kind of discrimination against others. This is extremely wrong and should be ridiculed. "

Unfortunately, once you grow up, it means fighting for a place in this world full of snobs and cold faces. The influence of these people is the key to our identity anxiety. Although some friends and lovers promise never to abandon us-even when we are bankrupt and discredited, they will accompany us through it (sometimes we really believe them)-the reality is quite cruel: there are many snobs around us, and we live under their snobbish eyes all the time. In fact, the most obvious feature of snobs is not simple social discrimination, but that social status and human value are completely equal, and interesting things have happened.

When people are young, they come into this world naked and have nothing, but they are still loved. As babies, they can't repay those who love them in a secular or material way. They are loved and cared for, but they have nothing; They may be disobedient, howl loudly and lose their temper, but they are still loved. In essence, there is no difference between adult love and absolute unconditional love from parents in childhood. Because of this, it is difficult for us to accept the practice of snobbery taking people by their status. When we grow up, the love we get depends on our grades: we must be polite, get excellent grades in school, and then gain a certain status and reputation in society. These efforts may attract the attention of others, but their motives and wishes are actually quite dull, and they are nothing more than trying to get back the full and unconditional love we had when we were children. "

? ? In the snobbery chapter, the author still maintains the previous conclusion, why do we have anxiety? It stems from our desire for love and unconditional love when we were young. And once we face the society, we will face a lot of snobs and cold faces. When a snob faces a value orientation, he will not become a snob because he has no independent value orientation. Their value orientation often comes from the publicity and reports of the media they choose. In fact, it can be seen that a source of identity anxiety-incorrect value information itself will aggravate our identity anxiety. On the other hand, these media reports will naturally catalyze people without their own values. Do you remember?

There is inherent uncertainty in human's judgment of our own value-our understanding of ourselves depends largely on what others think of us. "

The tendency or values of the media will have a great influence on ourselves-for example, Mi Meng's articles will bring unusual superiority and self-confidence to women. Whether this sense of superiority is correct is a matter of opinion.

Back to the snobbish tendency, the above example is mainly to illustrate the influence of media values on snobs. Snobbish itself has a characteristic: "the fear hidden in our hearts." I am afraid that my value is not enough, that I am not satisfied in the eyes of others, and even that I am afraid to face the reality. Actually, this is the only source of snobbery. If you see this clearly, you can have a clear understanding of snobbery. For those who are very sure of their status, they have no mind to entertain others. What is hidden behind arrogance is nothing but fear. Because he always feels that he is inferior to others, he should try his best to make others inferior to himself. We should understand and grieve more about the snobbery tendency caused by the depression and deep fear of human beings because of their desire for dignity, instead of criticizing blindly. Snobbish itself is a manifestation of spiritual self-confidence and neglect. What we need to do is to choose the right circle of values and then participate in it, instead of unilaterally accepting the values or success stories given to us by the media. 、

Excessive expectations-equality, expectation and jealousy

? Identity anxiety caused by excessive expectations should actually be called equal expectations. This anxiety stems from the fact that after material enrichment, the enrichment of material culture has not kept up with the construction of spiritual culture. Although the great progress of production has greatly improved the material life of human beings, it has also caused unspeakable pain to human psychology, because with the progress of social system and production, a brand-new ideal has emerged-everyone is convinced that all people are created equal, and everyone is convinced that they have enough strength to realize any of their ideals, which is actually a very interesting proposition. Because people are satisfied with the liberation of social productive forces on the issue of food and clothing, the concept of equality began to sprout. However, the long-standing dominant concept in human history is completely opposite to this new concept of equality for all: inequality between people is normal; It is wise to be contented. Most people know that in real life, they can only accept exploitation, and only a few people are eager for wealth and realize their ambitions.

"We experience a lot of unequal treatment every day, but we don't envy everyone who is superior to us. This is what makes jealousy special. Some people live thousands of times more than us, but we can feel at ease; And the small success of others will make us feel uneasy and uneasy. We only envy people at our level, that is, our comparison group. Perhaps the most unbearable thing in the world is that our closest friends are more successful than us. "

After equality has torn the veil of people's happiness in poverty, it seems that the belief that everyone can succeed has begun to spread, but what people can achieve under certain resources is limited. In the book, self-esteem has its own formula: self-esteem = actual achievements/expectations of yourself. Under this formula, there are two reasonable strategies. One is to strive for more achievements; The second is to lower your expectations of yourself. For the benefits of the second strategy, the book states as follows:

"lowering your expectations of yourself will make people feel relieved, just as happy as realizing your expectations. If a person is useless in some ways, but he is still calm, it will be an indescribable relief. If one day, we decide not to bother to lose weight and worry about being young, how happy our life will be! We will say,' Thank God, all those unrealistic ideas have finally gone to hell!' We add an expectation to ourselves, that is, we add a burden, although it may also add a pride to ourselves. "

? The weather vane of society is always urging us to pursue what our predecessors can't do or have what our predecessors can't imagine. According to James's pride formula, society has excessively raised our expectations of ourselves, and as a result, we can never achieve enough self-esteem.

? Mass media, bestsellers and even the whole society are full of all kinds of success information. This successful rapid development has virtually raised people's expectations of themselves. Or produced a person with a problem. In fact, the real feeling of modern society is to make us feel more and more poor. Modern society arouses people's infinite expectations, creating a gap that can never be filled between what we want and what we can get, between our actual position and our ideal position. Refer to Rousseau's wealth theory: "Wealth refers not to the quantity we have, but to the quantity of things we desire. It is relative, relative to human desire. At any time, no matter how rich we have, as long as we are pursuing what we can't get, we can't be rich; On the contrary, if we are always satisfied with what we have now, no matter how scarce we actually have, we are all rich. " The reason why we have lingering anxiety stems from the insatiable "dream" brought by our increasingly affluent life.

Worship of the elite-when money is linked to status, poverty becomes a shame.

With the great improvement of social productive forces, the theory of natural forces originally based on aristocratic society has been broken, and identity is no longer hereditary. So how to identify a person's aristocratic status? Since the Middle Ages, the primitive class has been the feudal aristocracy. The poor are producers and exporters of social resources. Therefore, the poor and middle peasants are naturally honorable. As a rich man who consumes social productive forces, he is regarded as a shameful, lazy coward who only uses money. Money is not a symbol of status, but labor or production is really regarded as something useful to society.

? However, with the germination of capitalism, the liberation of human resources and the gradual advancement of social industrial revolution, money itself is gradually regarded as a symbol of ability. It is divorced from its value as a universal equivalent, but is linked with its ability and identity. Since the18th century, the great productivity brought by the industrial revolution has completely submerged the value created by human beings under the kinetic energy of machines. The productivity of the poor gradually fails to keep up with their consumption of social resources. This has led to the situation that the rich will always be rich. At this time, in the case of extremely rich materials, if a person is still poor and divorced from the standards of the public, he will be considered an incompetent and stupid person. Contradictions began to appear. On the one hand, the rise of the concept of equality has cleared the obstacles of traditional forces for social elites, broken the class channel and become a successful model. On the other hand, with the gradual development of social productive forces, it will inevitably have a negative impact on those with low status. Since winners deserve to succeed, losers deserve to fail. Therefore, it is understandable that people get rich under the elite worship system. Similarly, people are poor for no reason. Because of this, a person's status is low and his situation is sympathetic, but everything is self-inflicted. In a society where elites worship, poverty is a shame. The more you lack money, the more you will fall into endless shame.

We can get a glimpse of several interesting questions from the book.

First, whether our self-esteem is determined by the value given to us by others.

Second, the vast majority of people have not established their own value system well, or the value of the vast majority of people comes from the media channels they contact-and public opinion often lacks scrutiny.

This is worthy of careful consideration, isn't it?

1. How to build self-esteem? "

We should follow our inner conscience, not praise or condemnation from outside. The key to the problem is not what image we are in the randomly formed crowd, but what image we are. In Schopenhauer's words: "Only the condemnation of hitting the target can hurt us. If a person really knows that he doesn't deserve some kind of condemnation, then he can justifiably reject it. "

If we accept the advice of this hermit philosophy, then we should give up the naive approach taken in maintaining our identity-this is a task that we can never complete, because it theoretically requires us to duel with anyone who has negative comments on us and kill them-only by accepting the advice of hermit philosophy and giving up this naive approach can we form a correct understanding of our values on the basis of strict analysis and obtain a reliable and well-founded understanding from it. "

2. Art is also a way to build a life-paying attention to beautiful things will make you better.

Money itself is not bitter, but desire is bitter-besides, the body knows what it really thinks, not the value in the newspaper.

4. appeal to nature-in front of the grand scenery, the trivial things brought by people will disappear.

If you want to overcome your inferiority complex, you don't need to make yourself more important, but realize that everyone is relatively insignificant. Once faced with something hundreds of billions of times bigger than us, our attention to people who are several millimeters taller than us will disappear and be replaced by awe of these huge things. We often call this power infinite and eternal-or simply, at the same time, we will call it God. "

5. Simplicity-Face life calmly ~