What jokes can you laugh at all your life?

Xiaohui is a joke in our unit. One morning, he was late for something. The new leader in charge of unit life discipline asked him why, and his answer made people laugh.

He said slowly, Director Wang, I am very ill. I was fine when I slept last night, but I didn't know anything except a sigh after I fell asleep. When I woke up in the morning and went down the stairs, I staggered with one foot high and one foot low. I went into the public toilet and didn't want to eat when I saw it. Well, I have to go to the hospital to see a doctor and ask what's wrong.

His answer made the comrades laugh, but the new leader was in the dark. After saying "it won't happen again", he was granted a half-day leave and asked Xiaohui to go to the hospital for medical treatment.

1, the female colleague is a foodie. When talking about the importance of departmental unity, she said: One chopstick breaks easily, and two chopsticks can eat hot pot and fat beef and mutton together, which shows that unity is strength and everyone can eat well. I think what she said is very reasonable.

My female colleague has become much more beautiful after getting married. I asked her curiously why her face value changed so much before and after marriage. My female colleague mysteriously said to me: this is very simple. Just put on a little makeup after marriage. I was even more puzzled and asked her: Have you ever made up before? The female colleague said cunningly: I used to wear a little makeup, which made people feel less beautiful. Now I'm back to my original appearance, and my husband has found the treasure.

There is a female colleague who is very beautiful and has a great figure. Two men have been chasing her. Both of them are similar in economy and appearance, and they both like her. Later, my female colleague chose one of them, and I was curious to ask her why she didn't choose the other one. The female colleague said shyly that the surname Zhang was chosen and the surname Li was not chosen.

On February 26th, 2022, my daughter was born. My wife called me to her side and said, after having a daughter, our living expenses will be high. There is 654.38+00,000 in this bank card. Please take it out as living expenses. The password is the date when we first met. I didn't expect my wife to be so rich, so I quickly found the ATM and entered the password "2 108 15". Wow, there is 1 10,000 in it!

When I was in high school, I fell asleep at my desk and just woke up to find a strange face sitting next to me. I put my arm around his neck and asked, "Dude, are you new here?" He paused and said, yes. So I took him to chat around the world, and we were all talking about which female classmate in the class was beautiful and which female classmate was in good shape. When the bell rang, he patted me on the shoulder and said that we would talk after class. Then he stepped onto the platform. It turns out that he is the new head teacher!

6. A beautiful female colleague was caught wearing makeup by the boss at work. The boss said: no makeup is allowed during work. The female colleague said coquetry: I don't go to work now. They smiled at each other, and the female colleague was fired the next day.

I went to the market to buy fish today. At the fish stall, I pointed to the vivid fish on the left and asked the boss, "Boss, how much is this fish?" The boss said, "This is 8 yuan." I pointed to the fish on the right and asked, "How about this?" The boss said, "This is also 8 yuan." I said, "But this fish is dying. Why is it so expensive? " The boss said calmly, "The fish didn't die, but it was cold and I didn't want to get up."

8. I want to buy some hamsters to keep for fun, but I know that two hamsters will fight, so I deliberately ask my boss: Boss, can I buy two hamsters to keep together? The boss said, no, two hamsters are going to fight. I exulted: I didn't expect this boss to have a conscience. The pet shop owner continued: then buy three, and when two of them fight, the third one can stop fighting.

9. Today, I went out for a walk by bike. When I passed a corner, I stood at a corner with a beautiful woman. The beauty smiled warmly at me as if she knew me. After I turned the corner, I said to the beauty, beauty, get on the bus. No, I'll drive you. I didn't expect the beauty to turn away from me after giving me a dirty look, which made me very embarrassed. I had to get on my bike and leave.

10, went home after working overtime last night. I felt hungry on the way and went to the convenience store to buy bread and eggs. When I left the store, the cashier at the back shouted at me, handsome boy, you dropped your other egg.

1 1. The aunts in the company are very cheerful and careless in everything they do and say. I don't know where her family heard that wearing bracelets can calm down, so I bought two bracelets for her to wear in one hand. As a result, my aunt saw a mosquito flying over at work the next day, and when her hand was closed, bam! Both bracelets were broken. I was really honest for a while afterwards.

12, a father took his son to the hospital. The doctor checked and said, "I have a cold." I'll open a bottle of children's cough syrup. " Father: "Open two bottles." Doctor: "One bottle will do." Father: "if I feed my child a spoonful, I have to drink a spoonful with him, otherwise he won't drink." This is all the fault of the child falling while breastfeeding! " "

13, my wife wrote a lot of data on paper and said to me: Look, you have paid off your monthly mortgage, car loan and utilities, and your monthly salary is gone. I asked: What about your salary? Wife: My salary is none of your business!

14. I stayed in a hotel last night. There is a bottle of mineral water in the room, the price is 10 yuan, and only 2 yuan is needed outside. So, I went to the supermarket outside and bought a bottle of the same mineral water for 2 yuan, which was exchanged with the mineral water in the hotel. Today, I drank 10 yuan a bottle of mineral water, and I felt that I earned 8 yuan. It was especially sweet to drink in my mouth.

15, the leader of the head office visited our company. After having a full meal at night, the leader mysteriously asked me: Are there any entertainment places here? Let's stretch our muscles. I got the message and took them to the largest square dance website in the area.

16. Last night, the landlord knocked on my door in a hurry and asked me to pay this year's rent. I wonder, didn't I just pay this month's rent last month? Why do you have to hand in the rest? This is not in conformity with the provisions of our contract! My daughter likes you, said the landlord. I asked: Does your daughter's liking for me have anything to do with paying rent? The landlord said: Of course it does. If I become a family, how can I ask you for rent?

17, my nephew in primary school fought with his classmates. The teacher asked him to call his parents. Afraid of being beaten, he called me. The teacher is a little girl who just graduated. She's cute. I chatted with her all afternoon and felt particularly congenial. As soon as I left school, I took my nephew to eat hamburgers. Before I could speak, my nephew wolfed down and said, "Don't worry, uncle, if you want to come in the future, I will have a fight with my classmates." This nephew really hurts in vain!

18, my wife went to the vegetable market and bought a live fish. She hesitated for a long time with a knife and was reluctant to kill it. So he asked me: the fish is so cute that I can't bear to kill it. What should I do? I said, otherwise, let's stop eating and keep it. The wife thought for a moment: it is better to throw it directly into the pot for stewing, so as to save the fish from suffering!

In synchronized diving in China, the best pair of partners are daughter-in-law and mother-in-law, because for decades, they always dive at the same time.

Jokes, jokes, funny for a while, hard to laugh for a lifetime! Life is ridiculous, thinking about it, or laughing at the ridiculous people in the world.

At the funeral ceremony, there were three people, with filial sons walking in front, 32 of them carrying coffins, followed by close relatives and friendly neighbors. The boss asked: Do you want me to continue? Parallel? Let's go last, okay? The second said: it is good to turn a blind eye in front of the queue. The third said: Walking in the middle and watching the fun, the end of the queue feels unlucky!

Boss, how do you go? After thinking about it, you are really ridiculous about your life!

My sister-in-law cooked porridge this morning. Bring it up. Tell your niece. Look at the temperature of this porridge and try it with a thermometer. Put it in porridge. Bang, turn around. My niece said at the time. I have never seen such a good mother. [yi tooth] [yi tooth]

1, at home on holiday, at noon, my son in kindergarten invited me to play Go with him.

Me: honey, mom is going to make lunch! There is no time.

Son: Nothing! I will beat you soon! It only takes a little time and won't delay your cooking! [Laughing and crying]

My uncle came to visit me at home on Sunday, but Xiaoming asked his mother to accompany him to the zoo to see monkeys. My mother scolded angrily, "What are you looking at?" Your uncle is here. What zoo are you going to? "

3. The girlfriend pouted and said to her boyfriend, "Look at my best friend. Every time I eat, the leftovers in the bowl are eaten by her boyfriend! "

Boyfriend: "You left me some fucking food!" " "[Cover your face]

In the morning, I went to the vegetable market to buy food. I asked the vendor, "Have you used pesticides for this dish?" The vendor replied, "I don't think I can beat it." [Cover your face]

5. What if you don't want to do housework? Just marry a wife. If your wife is virtuous, she will do housework for you. If your wife is tough, you will be forced to learn to do housework! [flashing]

6. The second brother went to a restaurant to eat, and suddenly he was in a hurry. The waiter said there was no bathroom in the shop. You went to the public toilet opposite, and we had an agreement with him. When you got there, you said I would come for dinner, and he let you in. [Laughter]

7. You have to admit that in today's society, women can be crazy enough to call themselves "Lao Zi".

But no matter how crazy a man is, no one dares to call himself an "old lady"! [Tears streaming down her face]

8. My sister, I am on my way to practice subject three today. There is a sign on the roadside to lift the speed limit of 40. The coach asked me what this sign was. I was so nervous that I said no parking!

What did the coach say 40 was?

I said 40 cars can't stop.

The coach insisted on returning my tuition. . . [yi tooth]

9. May Day is here. Seriously, for the first time, I couldn't go to the seaside for a holiday because of the epidemic. A few years ago, I had no money. [Picking nose]

10, every time I walk in the street, people are stuffed with leaflets. I am really beautiful. [Laughing and crying]

1 1, many years ago you said take care, I didn't lose weight! [yeah]

12, I'm not bragging. With my education and diploma, I will definitely sweep the streets and alleys of this city in the future! [wit]

13, my intimate husband went to the sauna club and was followed by my girlfriend and caught red-handed. My close friend is very sad. I'll comfort her. Wiping away tears, she scolded, "You damn fool, you can't finish your homework at home, and you have the fucking energy to study in a remedial class outside!" " [Angry]

Wang Si plays cards every day and often stays out at night. His wife complained unhappily, "If you do this again, I will take other men home for the night."

Wang Si: "Suit yourself! But you should pay attention, you can't pull my card friend! " [Cover your face]

15, "My wife used to be very hard on me, so I let her learn Sanda judo."

"What about now?"

"Much better now. Give me a bow before you hit me! " [I want to be quiet]

16, a man went to the vegetable market to buy food and asked, "I want to buy some food and leave it for my wife at night." You haven't sprayed pesticides on this vegetable, have you? "

The vegetable vendor said, "No, absolutely not! You have to do it yourself! " [I want to be quiet]

17, a friend invited us to eat pork intestines hot pot. She took a bite and said enthusiastically, "This pork intestines are really popular! What a pure smell of pig manure! "

As a result, dinner broke up early that day ... [burying his face]

18, it's the first time for a person to sell popsicles in the market. I'm sorry to sell them. A man next to him was shouting, "Sell popsicles!" She had to shout, "Me too!" [yi tooth]

19, one day karaoke came back and my husband was drunk. I heard that men are easy to tell the truth when they are drunk, so I asked him, "Why do you have money in the future?"

Husband: "I want to marry five wives!" "

I was angry: "Why not marry seven people like Wei Xiaobao?"

My husband said absently, "I'm so tired, I want a double break!" " "[Tears streaming down her face]

20. The son looked through the photo album and asked his mother curiously, "Who is the young man standing with you and taking photos?" This man with dark and strong hair? "

"Silly son, that's your father!"

"Is it dad? Then who is the bald fat man who lives with us now? " [Cover your face]

A colleague's bike was stolen several times, and then he bought another one, locked it five times, and hung a sign that said, "See how you pry it?"

As a result, he came back and found an extra lock on the car. A new line was written under the sign: "See how you open it?"

On the bus, a man stared at a woman and approached her. The woman got out of the car awkwardly, and the man followed closely.

The woman said angrily, why are you following me?

The man said: You took my wallet, but the chain of my wallet is still hanging on my pants.

These three women are thieves. When they see something they like, they will boast, steal it back and play at home. The husband is very disgusted with this.

When they were shopping that day, they saw that the clouds in the sky were particularly beautiful, and the woman praised a few words. The husband said: It's a pity that your bag is too small to hold.

(1) During the Spring Festival, we have guests at home. My wife is busy cooking and asked me to help.

My nephew likes to eat diced cucumber and fried ham sausage. A wife must satisfy his taste.

After boiling, stewing and frying the brine, it took a lot of work to get to the frying stage.

My wife was busy cooking on the stove, fried several dishes and found that the washed cucumbers were still in the basket. So he told himself, "Quick, cut the cucumber into diced meat. I am going to fry this dish soon! " "

I petrified in an instant! ……

What, is this cucumber from pigs, cattle and sheep? ! )

(2)N years ago, I lived in my hometown in the countryside. I didn't use natural gas to cook and boil water, and every household burned firewood. At that time, there was often a shortage of firewood because every household was fed a lot of livestock and it was expensive to cook pig food.

One day, my mother's foster mother came to our house as a guest. Seeing the embarrassment of lack of firewood at home, she suggested to my mother: Buy a honeycomb furnace coal!

Haha, I've heard of honeycomb furnace honeycomb coal, and I've seen it in the furnace. What is this "coal"? ! )

1. My colleague's electric car was stolen. Ask him: didn't you lock it? Colleague said: the new raincoat I just bought is in the basket, so I locked it for fear of being stolen. Who knows that the thief did not play cards according to law and stole the car [covering his face].

There is a bid, and the bidding department is very busy. There happened to be a person in charge of the construction team at that time. Because the project won the bid, he was responsible for the specific construction, so please ask him to let him go to the bid opening site to open the bid. As soon as he heard the bid opening, he patted his chest and said, no problem. Then I asked some questions about the bid opening process. When I heard that he was asked to sing the bid (singing the bid: reading the bid quotation), I was suddenly puzzled. After thinking for a long time, I said, let others go, I really can't sing [covering my face]!

My colleague didn't eat the night before losing weight, and didn't eat the next morning. He is going to eat less vegetables and bean skin at noon. As soon as I heard that the braised pork ribs made in the canteen were refreshing, I said I would have a big meal at noon. Ask him why he still eats, even if you haven't lost weight. Colleague said: I haven't eaten two meals. If I don't get some nutrition, I'm afraid I will starve to death in the office. You are too thin to lift me.

Humor can laugh all your life, understand the structure of humor, get up and sleep with a smile every day, and life will pass in a hurry and laugh all your life.