Don't let the joke-watcher see the joke.

I watched the Great Protector, which was regarded as the annual film, under my friend's Amway. Everyone has their own feelings about this movie, and what impressed me the most was one of the lines:

Countless troubles in life come from the expectation and evaluation of society and others. They often dominate and control in the name of "love".

Yes, since we were born, we have been dominated and controlled by others, living in other people's views on us, demanding ourselves with other people's expectations, pretending to be ourselves, and finally becoming a person in a condom.

Maybe infancy is the only time we can control it. We use "vulnerability" to dominate our parents and cry to get food and attention. Parents or others will respond to our needs immediately.

In childhood, parents began to control us with "danger" and told us to stay away from this and not touch that.

Some people compare the differences between Chinese and American education. American parents "give their children the key to open the door", while China parents "open the door for their children".

However, opening the door for children is a kind of interference and depriving children of their own topics. Moreover, repeated interference will lead to children learning nothing, and eventually they will lose the courage to face life problems.

The interaction between parents and children in childhood will affect children's attitude and way of treating the world in the future. Children who don't learn to face difficulties will eventually want to escape from all difficulties.

The school-age situation is even worse. We will find that teachers and parents gradually unite and force us to do things we don't want to do, such as homework. Once they tried to avoid their homework, the most terrible thing happened. They tried to solve the problems brought by control with another kind of control-punishment.

During adolescence, our elders forbade us to fall in love, and many people lost the ability to love. Hormonal impulses make us want to get out of control. Where there is a rebellious period, absolute obedience to parents is filial piety, and development according to one's own plan is treason.

As Lu Xun said:

Everyone around us: family, friends, teachers, classmates and colleagues, are telling us that aliens can't exist without being maverick. Whether passive or active, we all drift with the flow like sheep.

Everyone repeats the same tragic life with the same script, and the same drama is staged in the preset script.

Every stage of life: going to school, working, getting married and having children, is under the control of others.

They don't let us have our own interests and read casual books, so we can only take the exam-oriented education all the way-trapped in useless knowledge and ignorant of society and life.

The ultimate goal of education is to help everyone stand on their own feet, and our education runs counter to this direction to some extent and becomes a tool for others to interfere with us. We were originally children with unlimited development possibilities, but we were trained into a peanut man carved out of a mold by a unified outline, a unified examination and a unified teaching material.

Everyone's personality and potential are different, unique and unique. Cultivating the ability of independent thinking and judgment is the main goal of education, because it is the premise for a person to know himself and become himself. Only in this way can students find themselves, find themselves, achieve self-reliance and achieve themselves.

When we are young, we really can't live without our parents and need their protection, but when we grow up, we must learn to stand on our own feet. When we want to leave our parents, they don't want to admit the reality of separation. Most of them don't let you go out and explain to us according to their own requirements and expectations.

Let you stay with them, let you stay in the small city in your hometown, continue to control the rest of your life, let you take the public exam, let you not be a marketing post, and do easy administrative personnel and finance-trapped in short knowledge and don't know how to make money by marketing.

This article doesn't mean to belittle your professional position-as long as you know what you want, not your choice after being influenced by others' expectations. If what you really need in your heart is stability, it is also your best choice.

One of my female classmates went home as soon as she graduated because she needed to be with her parents. When a girl grew up in China, a large part of her needs came from the outside world, which was controlled and demanded by her interpersonal system at that time.

Girls may say, "It's too late, I'm going home." Does she really want to go home? Not necessarily, maybe it's just because it inspired her anti-slut mechanism, because of family education or social and cultural constraints. What a person needs is not necessarily her own needs.

What did she live for all her life? She needs redemption and liberation.

She is always under the control of the interpersonal system. After graduation, she left school, and new pressure was put on her. She might think: I need to get married. But does she really need to get married? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe it was just that everyone was forcing her to get married and she gave in.

But does it work? After marriage, it is to have children, take care of children, educate children, and force children to attend "interest classes" … endlessly.

Everyone is urging you to get married and have children, leaving you with no time or money to struggle-trapped in the scruples of looking ahead and looking back, afraid to struggle, only to work.

I don't know society, life, marketing, making money and dare not work hard. As a result, I will be a slave forever and never be reborn.

So you took the script from your parents and wanted to pin your hopes on your children's lives by controlling them.

What you need to understand is that the script of your life is not a sequel of your parents, a prequel of your children, or a foreign story of your friends.

Why do we all live so tired?

* * Because we have never lived, never really lived for ourselves.

**

Escape from the domination and control of others, so as to live lighter. We have been manipulated by society, environment and others for too long and have lost ourselves. We need freedom and self-reliance.

We will change our behavior according to the social environment. You are diligent and quiet in the classroom. You are cheerful and friendly in front of friends; You are conscientious and conscientious;

We have countless social roles: children, students, friends, citizens and so on. We act according to social roles because we expect to be recognized by others. Under the bondage of others' evaluation, we learn to hide our true selves, do what others expect, and fall into self-expression.

Introverted, we get together and talk eloquently, but our hearts are exhausted. We use self-expression so skillfully that we have lost our true self in the process of meeting the expectations of others.

If someone comments on you, "You are disgusting!" It just shows that he sees you like that, and will not reduce your value or change your essence because of his opinions or comments. So you don't have to be heartbroken.

Similarly, if someone praises you, "You are a good person." You don't have to be very happy, because his evaluation can't determine your value, nor can it change your essence.

Throughout the ages, how many artists have not been recognized before their death, but even if they have not been recognized by society, it does not mean that they are worthless.

If you are a real artist, you will never suffer from other people's comments, nor will you paint for others' approval. Even if he painted for the approval of others, because he painted to cater to others, such paintings can no longer be counted as his own works. Even without anyone's approval, a real artist knows the value of his work.

Get rid of the gloom of others' expectations. What you need to realize is:

An old man was recuperating in a small village, but some very naughty children lived nearby. They chase each other every day, and the noise makes the old man unable to have a good rest. After repeated prohibitions, the old man came up with a solution.

He called all the children together and told them that whoever shouted louder would get more rewards. He gave different rewards every time according to the noisy situation of the children. When the children get used to getting rewards, the old man will gradually reduce the rewards. Finally, no matter how the children make trouble, the old man will not give money.

As a result, the children think that they are being treated more and more unfairly, that "whoever doesn't give money will call you back" and never dare to make noise near the house where the old man lives again.

Self-determinism holds that all people, including children, have three basic psychological needs: relevance, autonomy and ability. If three kinds of psychological needs are met, the formation of intrinsic motivation can be promoted.

People's behavior has internal and external motives. From left to right, the internal motivation is getting stronger and stronger, while from right to left, it is more and more controlled by the outside world.

By giving this kind of external motivation to let people do something, they often turn their original internal motivation into external motivation, and the old man finally eliminates the external motivation by stopping giving. Children have no motivation, so they don't make trouble anymore.

We have been stimulated by external rewards and punishments from family, school and company since childhood. We have been driven by fame and fortune, working for external motives, and have long lost internal motives. Even if you meet something you really like, you can't tell whether you really like it or you like it driven by fame and fortune.

For example, if you like painting, what you pursue is "status" and "reputation", which is the external result, rather than enjoying the fun and internal satisfaction of creation. This is not true love. True love comes from inner motivation, a sense of belonging, autonomy and ability.

So how can we find what we really like driven by internal motivation?

We need to find a sense of belonging, autonomy and ability. If these needs are met, we will be active, efficient and happy; But if these needs are hindered, our enthusiasm, work efficiency and happiness will plummet.

You need to find something that can bring a sense of belonging and feel love, respect and acceptance. Imagine that when you were a child, if only your parents with good grades loved you. If your grades were not good, they would reject you. Are you still interested in studying?

Under the control of society and others, you have formed a distorted outlook on work and life, doing things you don't like, pursuing things you don't want, being polished into people you hate, doing good jobs in the eyes of others, living for material stability and being people you don't like.

If you don't accept this concept, you will become a social anomaly. If you accept the logic of this division, it will bring endless troubles to your life. Living like this day after day, my heart is tortured by pain and confusion all the time. As a result, depression, anxiety and mania have become diseases of the times.

Our nature is autonomy, and we tend to manage ourselves. Autonomy is what I do and I decide. We need to gradually reduce the proportion of external motives,

Abandon those results-oriented, fame-oriented things, stay away from boring entertainment, and insist on doing some hobbies that have nothing to do with interest. Become an independent and internally driven person.

Insist on fame and fortune at work, but insist on profit-driven in life; Live for the rice bowl during the day; Live for interest at night. In the long run, it will only draw water with a sieve.

You need to feel that you can do it, satisfy your sense of competence and pursue specialization. Only input can bring specialization, and then do important things better and better. Specialization can make people enter the state of "flow". Psychologists define flow as a feeling of putting a person's mental energy into an activity completely. When heart flow occurs, there will be a high degree of excitement and satisfaction. In flow, what a person needs to do is perfectly matched with his ability.

Specialization is a psychological orientation. You need to think that intelligence can be improved and needs your development, not that it can't be improved and needs your proof; If you pay more attention to the learning goal (speaking English) than the achievement goal (passing Band 4); Then, you will pursue specialization.

Specialization requires us to have growth thinking.

In the book Mentality: How Can We Learn to Play Our Potential, written by Carol Dweck, a psychology professor at Stanford University, people are divided into two types: growth mentality and fixed mentality.

Some of our basic beliefs about ourselves have created a completely different psychological world for us, which in turn has had a far-reaching impact on our behavior.

Whether you realize it or not. Her so-called mentality refers to our basic views on whether intelligence, ability and personality can be changed. In her view, there are generally two mental models-rigidity and growth.

She summed up the three main points of these two psychological frameworks:

This chart clearly distinguishes the different behaviors of two minds.

Rigid-minded people only pursue success, but they often don't get it. People with growth thinking focus on growth and make continuous progress. Success is only an accessory on the road to growth.

We must abandon our rigid minds and look at ourselves with growing minds.

Self-acceptance corresponds to a rigid mind, while self-acceptance corresponds to a growing mind.

For example, if you get a score of 60, if you say to yourself, "It's just bad luck this time, and you can really get a score of 100", this is self-affirmation; On the other hand, on the basis of honestly accepting yourself with 60 points, we should think hard about "how to approach 100 points", which is self-acceptance.

Someone once said:

Since Freud, many psychologists believe that people are the product of the past, especially childhood experiences. Now you are determined by your past. They believe that through self-reflection and psychological tests, they can better discover their true selves and finally find something suitable for them. Once you find your true self, the rest is to act.

The research of Stanford University psychologist hazel Markus puts forward a new concept: "possible self". What is a possible self? It is your hope, expectation and fear for yourself. In his view, the possible selves are three selves: hope me, expect me and fear me.

"True self" is rooted in the past;

"Possible self" is based on the present and the future.

Adler, the founder of individual psychology, also believes that what determines us is not the past itself, but the meaning we give to the past. This directly determines our lives. Life is not given by others, but by your own choice, that is, how you choose to live.

So don't look for your true self, because you will never find the answer. The real self does not exist. All you need to think about is who you may be, that is, what you will do in the future.