Do you feel painful when raising children?

Education Lecture | If you are suffering more and more in the process of raising children, it means that there is something wrong with your parenting style.

As we all know, many children have become annoying "Xiong Haizi" on the Internet because of their parents' doting and lack of rules. There are also many parents who spend countless energy on the cultivation of their children's IQ, but do not pay attention to the cultivation of their children's non-intellectual factors such as morality, will, perseverance, work habits and living ability, thus creating a group of Xiong Haizi.

Italian writer Dante once said: "Morality can usually fill the defects of wisdom, but wisdom can never fill the defects of morality". Therefore, it is very important for children to have a sense of rules when conducting family education. How to make children feel regular? You can start by making family rules.

Establish family rules

Purpose//Determine//Scope

The purpose of establishing family rules

You can recall the family rules in your childhood memories. Does it affect your family rules? How do you feel when you follow these family rules? What would you be like now without these family rules?

By thinking about these problems, we can find the purpose of establishing family rules. The first purpose: when establishing family rules with children, children can be willing to participate in the formulation and implementation of rules. The second purpose: when a child can establish good habits through family rules, he can achieve self-discipline and self-control, not only with family members present, but also with supervision.

Let the child develop the habit of self-discipline and self-control, which is of great help to her later life, including life and work.

Some parents will say that giving a child so many rules is not binding him. Isn't the child's nature obliterated? Then we will discuss what is giving children real freedom? These are the questions we should consider: children can do whatever they want. Is this to set him free? How can he talk and bully others? Is this a kind of freedom?

Parents will be very confused at this time. What kind of freedom is that? Freedom means that children can achieve self-discipline and self-control on the basis of social morality, work boundary and character cultivation. Only children who truly learn self-discipline and self-control can truly gain freedom in life.

Therefore, it is necessary to cultivate children from this aspect. You know, children are personalized and unique. If our parenting style is correct, then no child is bad and all children are good children. If you are suffering more and more in the process of raising children, it means that there is something wrong with your parenting style.

How to establish family rules

Rule 1: Let the children know why we learned family rules when we were young, which is a reason for parents to be arbitrary and never tell us why we learned these things. We basically do what our parents say. But times are different now. Today's children's faces are covered with 65438+ million whys, and their personalities are distinct. When he doesn't accept or agree with these family rules in his heart, he just doesn't want to do it. Many times, parents can't do anything. Even in the end, some parents just let their children suffer.

In fact, the child is very wronged, but he can only do it with tears in his eyes. Although this method can see the effect now, in the long run, the greater the oppression suffered by children as children, the more obvious the rebound will be in adolescence. When you reach puberty, it's time for revenge. At that time, my parents really wanted to cry.

Therefore, whether it is the parent-child relationship or the child's habit formation, it must be cultivated slowly from an early age. When we ask our children to do something or make family rules. You can't just tell your child what you are going to do, but also tell him why. For reasons and reasons, it is the key to make children willing to take the initiative to implement it.

Second, create a harmonious atmosphere of participation. In the process of establishing family rules, children must be involved and allowed to provide their own ideas and opinions.

In this way, children's acceptance of family rules will be greatly improved, and children will be more willing to abide by them when implementing family rules.

Third: clear principles We need to know a clear principle, that is, the setting of family rules is to bring more security to children.

We should let children know that the world has boundaries and the rules need to be clear. Suggest that children give speeches or explanations like small hosts. If the child has questions, parents must answer patiently instead of saying, "You just have to do as I say."

Need to involve the scope of family rules. When making family rules, we should aim at cultivating children to be human beings and do things, conform to their age characteristics, and let them implement and persist. At the same time, family rules should be closely related to family life and some daily life of children. But also can be applied to his life for a long time, and can be followed and implemented even when he grows up.

Family rules are not recommended to be too much at once, but to be divided into modules. Moreover, family rules must be implemented by parents and be willing to abide by them. Don't just restrain children, parents don't need to enforce them at all.

Through family rules, children's respect, gratitude, filial piety and responsibility can be cultivated. At that time, children will have noble character and wonderful life.

Formulation//Agreement//Formulation//Compliance of Behavior Contract

0 1/ formula

Contract means that children can gradually develop good behavior habits and form the ability of self-discipline by signing contracts. Let parents no longer have to rush hard. Its idea is that the relationship between parents and children is not a simple management relationship of command and obedience, nor a one-way contractual relationship in which one party supervises the respect of the other, but a two-way contractual relationship between parents and children.

Therefore, whether it is study time every day or sleeping at night. Or you can control your temper, eat in your seat on time, or how many games you can play every day, all of which can be achieved through behavior contracts.

It is a very important link to hold a family meeting to make a behavior contract, which requires parents to do it with their children very seriously. There are three steps to holding a contract meeting. One is to formulate the target behavior, the other is to formulate the reward and punishment system, and the third is to formulate the behavior convention table.

When formulating target behaviors, it is best to target behaviors that both children and parents want to change or habits that both want to adjust. For example, we go to bed on time, sit and eat well while eating, and finish our homework on time.

The goal of the first choice is best recognized by both parties, and don't be too difficult for each other. For example, younger children like watching cartoons. You can just tell them not to watch cartoons or play video games. Older children, once it is a holiday, especially in this special situation, like to play computer games, keep playing mobile phones, and most importantly, like to sleep late. In fact, this is all because children can't stand your orders and have no way to carry them out.

Therefore, parents and children must first determine a big goal and divide this big goal into specific and quantifiable small goals. Only in this way can it be conducive to implementation.

For example, you should prepare your homework as early as possible, which can be refined into getting your school supplies, books and exercise books ready within ten minutes before you write your homework, and then start writing your homework; Some children, especially those in kindergarten, can eat a meal for an hour. At this time, we can further refine it. This week's meal can be five minutes earlier than last week, so that she has a goal.

This description will sound clearer. Only the more specific the description of behavior, the stronger the operability of children, and the more conducive to the cultivation of behavior habits.

After the goal is determined, we will talk about the contract. Parents should also participate in the contract and abide by it. For example, you can ask your child, "What do you want mom and dad to change?" Children may say, "I hope my mother will not nag when I do my homework, and I hope my father will not look at his mobile phone when I do my homework." If I write badly, you can't scold me. "These are the children's very real reactions.

At this time, parents can choose the behavior they feel willing to change and write it in the contract, and once it is written, parents should strictly implement it and set a good example for their children.

02/ Reward and Punishment When making a behavior contract, we must not miss the reward and punishment link.

When giving rewards to children, it is suggested to give priority to spiritual rewards and atmosphere rewards, and material rewards can be appropriate.

So what are spiritual rewards and atmosphere rewards? For example, in the process of this contract, the child set a time of two weeks, and he achieved this goal. Then, we can make cakes with the children to celebrate. Or, you can make a travel plan with your child, or a day's travel plan, and you can make your child the master of the day.

With rewards, there will naturally be punishments. Because every child has his own needs, only by increasing or decreasing his needs will he be touched and motivated. For example, reduce the time he spends watching cartoons or playing games.

03/ Behavior habit

Behavior convention table is a kind of visual behavior, which is very effective in supervising children's behavior.

The list of behavior and practice must be posted in a conspicuous place at home, which is clear at a glance. Can children and parents see at the same time and understand what they are going to do today very intuitively? This will play a great role in stimulating and upgrading the power.

04/ reason

Now the society is also calling for the spirit of contract to educate our children in this way. In fact, this is also to let children know from an early age that they should obey the rules and be honest. It is also the foundation of children's future success.

You know, the contract is not a one-man show for children, but a duet that needs parents and children to perform together.

It can't be ignored that there will be various problems in the operation process. For example, there will be children who are unwilling to sign contracts, are not interested in rewards and punishments, or can't persist. So, what should we do at this time? It is necessary to analyze the reasons why children are unwilling to sign contracts.

The first reason: you don't keep your word

Many parents often break their word in family life because they think their children are too young to understand so much.

If a parent says to his child, "If you don't listen, mom and dad will not take you out for a while, leaving you alone at home." At this time, the child will be very calm and will look at you and say, "Mom, you will never leave me alone at home." Then he continued to play by himself.

Therefore, a child of two or three years old or three or four years old can see whether your words are true or not. What's more, most children have struggled with their parents for many years and have had very rich experience. If he finds out that what mom and dad said doesn't count, he won't care what you said, and he won't care what kind of reward or punishment there will be. In this case, how could he sign this contract? So before signing the contract, as parents, don't promise easily. If we make a promise, we must keep it. It is very important to create a trustworthy atmosphere in the family and convey the spirit of contract.

If children think that my parents are different, my parents will change their words. Then at this time, you have taken the first step to success.

The second reason: the contract is unreasonable

When a child signs a contract, if he thinks that the contract is unreasonable, he thinks that the contract is just a overlord clause signed by his parents, which will not do him any good. Then he would rather not sign it.

Many parents will greedily formulate many terms when concluding a contract, only considering their parents' needs, completely ignoring their children's expectations, and the return is anodyne. In this case, it is good that the child has not ignored you, and it is even harder to sign it.

The third reason: unwilling to be bound.

It is more common for older children, such as junior high school children and high school children. Because he actually knows very well in his heart that some things should not be done, such as watching cartoons online, which leads to staying up late or sleeping late. But he doesn't want to change it, for fear that once he signs it, there will be no way out, so once this contract is signed, it will be a constraint for him.

In view of this situation, we can use simple goals or firm stops first, and then cooperate with rewarding parent-child communication to improve slowly.

For example, choose something that children can easily do, and explain it orally first, so that children can feel that their parents are very serious about this matter. We must find the needs of children.

If the child's behavior is very serious, beyond the normal state, or beyond your tolerance, then you need to stop the child in a firm way, which is called "gentle and firm" in positive discipline. Be sure to let the children know that this matter is not negotiable.