The city is sick and so is my heart

This picture says:

Are you okay?

No hope, no exhaustion, no loss, no sorrow, no loneliness, no night, no crying

I'm okay

I want to say, no, I'm not okay, it's like a dark night is swallowing you up forever. I don't know what I'm afraid of, but when the night comes, my heart will be filled with fear little by little.

The city really can only survive the epidemic. The community was closed last week. I still remember that the last time I went out to collect only a box of instant noodles and pickled mustard.

The shelves in the stores are already empty, and people are buying food like crazy lest they run out when they learn that supermarkets are about to close.

I am afraid that if I eat an extra bite or dish of my three meals a day, the supermarket will be closed as my last hope.

Our home is only half an hour away from Wuhan. With the increasing number of cases, it seems that the invisible hope is tormenting me at night. I have random thoughts every day, and even my friends around me don’t seem to understand me. I feel I'm having a tantrum.

It was such a dark night, my breathing became rapid, and my dreams were filled with endless fear. I seemed to long for the care of the people around me, but there was none. I couldn't get any understanding. All requests for help seemed like a joke to them.

It’s like a person who can’t swim accidentally fell into the lake and shouted over and over again. People around you looked at you with a smile, thinking you were just joking. After all, the water was very shallow. What they didn't know was that even the shallowest water would be frightening to a person who was afraid of water. In the end, the person who couldn't swim was desperate and drowned in a very shallow lake.

For the first time, I felt that people were so insignificant and vulnerable. In just ten days, they would be devoured by the virus. In the end, even the corpse would be a sin.

Waking up again and again, darkness permeated the entire dream, repeated over and over again, with no one telling it.

The city where I was raised is sick, and my heart is also sick.

Is it a virus or something else that is eating away at my heart? I asked myself over and over again, asking myself about the self deep in my heart. Maybe it’s because I haven’t been understood by others for a long time, as if I too I can't understand myself. I always fall into self-doubt. I always hope that there is someone who can understand what I want to express, even just one person. But a year ago, that person no longer wanted to be close to me, and I didn't want it either. If you approach someone easily, you are afraid that if you love them too much, they will not be cherished, and you are afraid of losing them after having them.

I am like a hysterical monster, pretending to be a lively and cheerful girl during the day, always playing a very enthusiastic persona, and the space circle of friends is also full of innocence, as if I am afraid of posting a A circle of friends that is full of mourning will be regarded as a negative influence, and it seems that others are spying on such an unbearable self.

I tried to tell my friend who I thought was a very good friend, but the words were always too dark. He couldn't understand why I, a girl who looked so cheerful, would say such things. He told me not to think blindly, but he couldn't tell me that it was no big deal. I would think so occasionally. If you feel uncomfortable, I will stay with you. you.

I don’t seem to deserve the love of others. No one would want to accompany a person with a dark personality. It seems that I can only type my inner thoughts on the keyboard without praying for someone in this world. Understand.

But if it is obvious that no one is an island, why do we still feel so far away from others even though we are so close? We manage our own circle carefully, but there is not necessarily anyone who takes the initiative. I would like to ask you how you are doing recently and tell me if you have any problems. It seems that there is really nothing.

There is no real empathy in this world, so it seems that "because you understand, you cherish it" is so precious!

I sometimes wonder if this online world has harmed us. We have built our own fortresses with our mobile phones. People online seem to be more active, but on the contrary, we are becoming less and less able to treat the people around us. Maybe it’s because I don’t have any friends to talk to!

I am very sad today, but it feels so good to write. I want to gradually relieve my emotions through words. If you accidentally read this article, don’t tell me about chicken soup, please give me a love Be encouraged!

Above

Good night

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