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An American is eating in a restaurant in China. When the waiter brought a lobster, the Americans

Q: "What should I do with the remaining shrimp shells?"

"Of course," said the waiter.

"no! Don't! No! " The American shook his head and said, "In our country, leftover shrimp shells.

Send it to the factory, make it into shrimp cakes and sell it to you in China. "

After a while, the waiter brought another plate of fruit, and the American pointed to one of the lemons.

Q: "What should I do with the remaining lemon peel?" "Of course, it is poured out," Shi.

Zhedao

"no! Don't! No! "

The American shook his head and said, "In our country, the leftover lemon peel is sent to the factory.

Make fruit baby and sell it to you in China. "

When checking out, the American asked the waiter with a smile while chewing gum, "Excuse me?"

What do you do with the leftover chewing gum? "Of course, spit it out," said the waiter.

"no! Don't! No! "

The American shook his head and said proudly, "In our country, chewed gum is brought in."

In the factory, I make condoms and sell them to you in China. "

The waiter asked impatiently, "Do you know what to do with second gloves in China?"

Condoms? "

"Of course, throw it away," said the American humanist.

The waiter shook his head and said, "No! Don't! Don't! In China, used condoms are sent in.

In the factory, make chewing gum and sell it to your America. "

Classic joke: cannibals

A woman ran into a dead end under the pursuit of cannibals. The woman got her pants wet because she was afraid. When the cannibal saw it, he cursed, "What a fucking pity! The soup spilled! "

After giving birth to the child, the cannibal should first hold the child to her husband and politely say, "Eat while it is hot!" " "

Billionaire cannibals travel abroad with their sons. On the plane, the son asked his father, "Why are there so many people on the plane?" Dad replied, "God always protects us.

Cannibals call elevators vending machines.

Cannibals call their adopted son "bad food"

Cannibals call bathhouses steamers.

Cannibals call people who take a bath: ruin their meals.

Classic joke: drink phlegm

Eldest brother and second brother went to the theater to see the play. On the way, they saw that they were arguing about the development of the plot, so they made a bet.

The boss pointed to a row of spittoons in front of him and said, "The loser should take a sip of what's there."

Unfortunately, the boss lost and took a sip with a frown.

The two went on to bet on the next plot. This time, the second child lost.

I saw the second child pick up the spittoon and swallow fifteen mouthfuls in one gulp.

Surprised and envious, the boss said to the second child, "You are so amazing that you can even drink fifteen mouthfuls!" " "

The second one shook his head. "I don't want to drink. The sputum in that spittoon is too thick. I really can't stop biting! " "

Classic joke: someone touched my ass.

One night, a private got up to take a shit at night, and there was no light in our toilet. He had to go to the toilet in the dark. When he was halfway through the solution, he found someone touching his ass. He was so scared that he ran to the security sergeant without wearing pants and shouted, "An Guan! An Guan! Someone touched my ass in the toilet! "

An Guan: Is there such a thing? ! Don't tell anyone, I'll take care of it. Go back to sleep first! "The next day, the security officer told the monitor about it. The squad leaders were afraid of affecting the morale of the troops and decided to catch ghosts together next time.

I haven't been haunted for a week. ......

One night, another soldier went to the toilet. When he squatted down, he felt someone touching his ass. This time, he shouted even louder. All the monitor got up to flush the toilet, some with sticks and some with brooms. There are seven or eight people around the door of the urinal, and the door is full of lights. Everyone wants to see what's inside. Just then, one monitor opened the door and the other monitors looked in. All the squad leaders were dumbfounded, stunned for about three or four seconds, only to hear the squad leader say, "XXX is happy!" ! What the hell? Touch your ass! It's all shit! ! !

The son asked his father: Does the heart have legs?

Dad: No!

The son asked his mother: Does the liver have legs?

Mom: No?

Son: I am surprised. Last night, my father said to his mother under the covers, "Honey, split your legs."

Cold joke:

1: Once upon a time, a man fished and caught a squid.

Squid begged him: let me go, don't bake me to eat.

The man said, well, let me ask you a few questions.

Squid is very happy to say: you take the exam!

Then the man roasted the squid. ..

2: I used to have schizophrenia, and now we have recovered.

An international student is taking a driver's license test in America, and the road sign ahead prompts him to turn left. He is not sure, ask the examiner:

"Turn left?"

A: "Yes"

So ... hang up. ..

4: One day, Mung Bean committed suicide, jumped down from the fifth floor, shed a lot of blood and became a red bean; It has been squeezed dry and turned into soybeans; The wound was scarred and finally turned into black beans.

Xiaoming cut his hair and came to school the next day. The students all laughed when they saw his new hairstyle: Xiao Ming, your head is a kite! Xiao Ming felt very wronged and ran outside to cry. Crying and crying ~ he flew away ...

6: There is a man who looks like an onion, crying while walking.

7. Little Penguin asked Grandma one day, "Grandma, am I a penguin?" "Yes, of course you are a penguin." The little penguin asks his father again, "Dad, Dad, am I a penguin?" "Yes, you are a penguin. What's wrong? " "But, but why do I feel so cold?"

8: A pair of corn fell in love …

So they decided to get married …

On the wedding day ...

One corn can't find another corn …

This corn asks the popcorn next to it: Have you seen our corn?

Popcorn: Honey, I'm wearing a wedding dress.

9: In the music class, the teacher played a Beethoven tune.

Xiaoming asked Xiaohua, "Do you know music?"

Xiaohua: "Yes"

Xiaoming: "Do you know what the teacher is playing?"

Xiaohua: "Piano."

10: Q: Two people fell into a trap. The dead call the dead, but what is the living?

A: Call for help!

1 1: Question: What are cloth and paper afraid of?

A: cloth is afraid of 10 thousand, paper is afraid of one thousand.

Reason: not (cloth) afraid of 10 thousand, just (paper) afraid of one thousand.

12: One day there was a mother-in-law in the car …

Sitting halfway, my mother-in-law doesn't know the way.

My mother-in-law spanked the driver with a stick and said, where is this?

Driver: This is my ass … ..

13: An egg went to a teahouse to drink tea, and turned into a tea egg; An egg went swimming in Songhua River, and it became a preserved egg. An egg went to Shandong and became a Lu (halogen) egg; An egg was homeless and turned into a wild egg; An egg accidentally fell on the road and fell to the ground, causing a missile; An egg ran into someone's yard and became an atomic bomb; An egg ran to the Qinghai-Tibet Plateau and became a hydrogen bomb. An egg got sick and turned into a bad egg; An egg got married and became an asshole; An egg swam in the river and became a nuclear bomb. An egg ran into the flowers and became Hua Dan; An egg is riding a horse with a knife. It turns out that he is a Beijing opera blues. An egg is female and ugly, and it turns into a dinosaur egg; An egg is a man, and his wife commits adultery with other eggs outside, and as a result, he becomes an illegitimate child; An egg ...

14: The host asked: Can cats climb trees? The eagle replied first: Yes! Compere: Give an example! The eagle burst into tears: that year, I fell asleep, the cat climbed the tree … and then there was the owl …

15: Two dung beetles are discussing the welfare lottery. A said: If I win the lottery, I will buy all the toilets within 50 miles of Fiona Fang and eat enough every day! B said: you are too vulgar! If I win the lottery, I will pack a living person and eat fresh food every day!

Why do chickens cross the street?

Get the other side of the answer.

What is that man doing?

He's shaking.

Why is he shaking?

He's cold.

A: Oh, shivering doesn't lead to cold drawing.

A: ...

18: A banana gentleman is dating his girlfriend and walking down the street. It was very hot, so Mr banana took off his clothes, and then his girlfriend fell down. ...

19: There is a sausage in the refrigerator.

I felt very cold, and then I looked at the other one next to me, and I felt a little comforted. I said, "Look at you, frozen like this, covered in ice!" " "As a result, the root of the tree said," Sorry, I'm a popsicle. "

Once upon a time, a cotton candy went to play with a ball for a long time. He said, I'm so tired, I think I'm weak. ...

2 1: This diver's movements are very difficult. He turns three times, then somersaults three and a half times, and then somersaults for a month.

22: mm got lost looking for a university. Meet a gentle professor.

Excuse me, how can I get to the university?

Professor: Only by studying hard can you go to college.

23: The director and the section chief take the elevator. After farting, the director said to the section chief, You farted! The section chief said: I didn't let it go ... Soon the section chief was dismissed, and the director said at the meeting: You can't afford to fart. What's your use?

Miss: Business is bad now!

Boss: Why?

Miss: "Bird flu ..."

25: A woman trembled when she met a robber and said, "I am from XX school. I just graduated and haven't found a job yet. I really have no money ... "

The robber cried bitterly after hearing this. "Elder sister, I am also from XX school. You take the student ID card. Don't worry, Allah will never rob his own people! "

26. I want to talk to my girlfriend ML. My girlfriend says I can't do it without taking a shower. She promised that it would be "biased" when it was cold. After washing, my girlfriend said shyly, "Honey, you are lazy, where can you wash ..." I even fainted after listening to it. I just brushed my teeth.

27: A blind beggar is begging in the street wearing sunglasses.

A drunk came up and felt sorry for him, so he threw him a hundred dollars.

After walking for a while, the drunk turned around and happened to see the blind man with his back to the sun to distinguish the authenticity of a hundred-dollar bill.

The drunk came over and took the money back and said, "You fucking don't want to live, how dare you lie to me!" " "

The blind beggar looked aggrieved and said, "Brother, I'm really sorry. I'm looking for a friend. He was blind and went to the toilet. In fact, I am dumb. "

"Oh, I see," so the drunk dropped his money and staggered away again. ...

28: bird flu-it's all caused by "paradise shit"! ! !

There are two kinds of people who have a high probability of getting bird flu-1. "animals"; 2. People who are "worse than animals".

29: A: Hey, how did you learn to smoke?

I will, when I steal the forbidden fruit from Adam and Eve ~

Do you know why Adam and Eve stole the forbidden fruit?

AB: I don't know!

Because Adam has no cigarettes! (hint: homophonic words)

30: Someone has just been abandoned by his girlfriend and happened to meet his ex-girlfriend flirting with his new lover in the street. The more he watched it, the angrier he became, trying to humiliate them. So I made a polite greeting and said contemptuously to my girlfriend's new love, "You don't dislike my second-hand goods!" " Just when he was proud of his creativity, his ex-girlfriend smiled and said, "One inch outside is old, and the inside is brand new!" "

3 1: She gave me a kiss when we broke up, and it felt as real as People's Daily. ...

32: I just saw something similar to a news scroll bar on the top of my senior computer screen, and the words on it passed quickly.

I am curious to ask: Is this the lyrics?

Senior: Yes!

Senior: How did it pass so quickly? I didn't even see it clearly!

Senior: From Jay Chou! !

Wife: I'm really blind. I'll marry you when I step in shit.

Husband: I was really blind enough to step on shit before I married you.

Shit: I'm so unlucky! Lying there, you both stepped on it. ......

34. College entrance examination chemistry questions: A and B can be transformed into each other, B can generate C in boiling water, C can be oxidized into D in the air, and D smells like rotten eggs. What are a, b, c and d?

I replied: A is a chicken, B is a raw egg, C is a cooked egg, and D is of course a rotten egg!

35: Which is the worst, rubber, tiger skin or lion skin?

A: Eraser.

Because of the eraser

36: Q: 3 What is that with only one head and one foot?

Answer: Three monsters with one head and one foot! ! ! ! ! !

37: The ants went to the desert. Why didn't he leave footprints on the beach, but only a line?

Answer: Because it rides a bike!

The ant came home from the desert. He didn't inform anyone, but his family knew he was back! Why ah!

Answer: I saw his bike parked downstairs.

38: One day, a female drug addict was taken into the police station. The police saw a tattoo on her hand and asked her why she had her boyfriend's name tattooed on her hand. Is his name Liang Xiao ... Ah ... isn't it? Come on, say ... Is he taking drugs? Let's go

I saw the female drug addict raise her head with angry eyes.

Say to the police

This is hatred. ...

40: One day, Xiaomei and her boyfriend went out for a ride.

The car is running out of gas, and there is a gas station next to it. When driving by, a sudden gust of wind blew my boyfriend's hat away.

Xiaomei's boyfriend said to her:

"I'll get my hat, you help me to refuel. 」

Not far from her boyfriend, she heard Xiaomei shout behind her:

"come on Come on! 」

4 1: An orangutan walked through the forest and accidentally collected the feces of a gibbon.

Good orangutans cleaned up apes.

After a while, they fell in love, and people asked you how you got together.

The orangutan replied, "It's ape dung (fate)!"

There is a fat man. ..........

Jump off a tall building ...

It turned out to be .......

Fat bastard ..

There is a duck named Xiao Huang. One day, when he was crossing the street, he was hit by a car. He shouted, "Gung!" " Since then, it has become a cucumber. ...

There is a penguin whose home is far from the polar bear's home. It will take 20 years to get there on foot. One day, the penguin stayed at home and was bored. He was going to play with polar bears, so he went out, but on the way, he found that he forgot to lock the door. It's been 10 years, but the door still has to be locked, so the penguin went home to lock it. After locking the door, the penguin set out again to look for the polar bear, which means it took him 40 years to reach the polar bear's home ... Then the penguin knocked on the door and said, "Polar bear, polar bear, penguin wants to play with you!" " "Guess what the polar bear said when he opened the door?" Let's go to your house to play ~ "

45: The little white rabbit skipped to the bakery and asked, "Boss, do you have a hundred buns?" Boss: "Oh, sorry, not that much." "I see. . . "The little white rabbit left in dismay. The next day, the little white rabbit skipped to the bakery. "Boss, do you have a hundred steamed buns?" Boss: "Sorry, I still don't have it." "I see. . . "The little white rabbit left in dismay again. On the third day, the little white rabbit skipped to the bakery. "Boss, do you have a hundred steamed buns?" The boss said happily, "Yes, yes, we have a hundred buns today! ! "The little white rabbit took out the money:" Great, I'll take two! "" "

Ming Dow Jr.: "Kang, let me ask you something." A shark ate a mung bean. What did it become? Kang said, "I don't know. What is the answer? Xiao Ming said, "Hey! Hey! The answer is "green bean paste (mung bean shark)", you idiot! 」

47: The teacher asked a classmate how to reduce white pollution. Make the lunch box blue.

48: One person has a bad stomach. One day, he went to the Stomach Hospital and said to the doctor, "I pull everything, eat watermelon, eat cucumber and pull cucumber!" " "The doctor thought about it and said to him," I think you have to eat shit! "

49: On the plane, a stewardess asked a little girl, "Why didn't the plane hit the stars when it was flying so high?" The little girl replied, "I know, because the stars will shine!" " "

50: There is a polar bear playing with a penguin. Penguins pluck their hair one by one. After pulling it out, he said to the polar bear, "It's so cold!" When the polar bear heard this, he pulled off his hair one by one and turned to the penguin and said, "It's really cold!" "

Animal jokes:

A driver is driving a truck full of hens, teasing his parrot while driving. When a beautiful woman hitchhiked, the driver put the parrot and the hen together in the cargo box and invited the beautiful woman to sit in the cab. After driving for a while, the driver tentatively asked the beauty, "May I kiss you?" The beauty shook her head shyly and said, "No". After waiting for a while, the driver reluctantly asked, "Can you hug me?" The beauty still shook her head and said, "No."The driver said angrily, "If you can't, go down." After driving for a while, the driver felt that his behavior was very ungentlemanly, so he went back and invited the beautiful woman to get on the bus. But after a while, the driver asked, "May I kiss you?" Beauty still shook her head. "Can I have a hug?" Beauty still shook her head. "If you can't, go down." This was repeated three times, and finally I got to the chicken farm. The driver opened the suitcase and found that there were few hens in Miu Miu. Only the parrot mentioned a hen and asked, "Can a beautiful woman kiss me?" The hen shook her head desperately, and the parrot asked, "Can you hug me?" The hen still shook her head. The parrot said, "If you can't, go down." The hen was thrown out of the car. ......

The little white rabbit met a wolf while walking in the forest. He came up and put two big ear stickers on the little white rabbit and said, "I told you not to wear a hat." The little white rabbit left very grievance.

The next day, she skipped out of the house wearing a hat and met the wolf again. He came up and gave the white rabbit two big mouths and said, "I told you to wear a hat."

Tutu is depressed. After thinking for a long time, I finally decided to complain to the king of the forest, Tiger.

After explaining the situation, the tiger said, "OK, I see. I will handle this matter, so trust the organization." On the same day, the tiger found his partner wolf. "It is wrong for you to do so. This is very difficult for me. " Then he wiped the dust off the table: "Do you think this will work?" You can say, Tutu, come and find me a piece of meat! She found the fat one, and you said you wanted the thin one. She found a thin one, and you said you wanted a fat one. So you can hit her. Of course, you can also say that. Tutu, come and find me a woman. She found plump ones, and you said you liked slim ones. She found a slim one, and you said you liked the plump one. You can beat her. It is both reasonable and powerful. "The wolf nodded and clapped his hands, and the reverence for the tiger once again reached a new peak. Unexpectedly, the above instructions were heard by the little white rabbit who was weeding the tiger's house outside the window. I hate this in my heart.

The next day, the little white rabbit went out again. What a coincidence! It's the big bad wolf coming. The wolf said, "Tutu, come and find me a piece of meat." Tutu said, "So, do you want to be fat or thin?" The wolf listened, his heart sank and he was happy again. He said, fortunately, there is a plan B. He added, "Tutu, Mary, find me a woman." Tutu asked, "So, do you like plump or slim?" The wolf was silent for 2 seconds and raised his hand to give Tutu two big ear stickers. "Shit, I told you not to wear a hat."

A disgusting joke:

A hotel owner, standing at the door.

Suddenly a beggar came and asked him for a toothpick, and then ran away in a hurry.

While he was wondering, a beggar ran to him and asked for a toothpick.

While the boss was thinking about why, another beggar ran over and asked him for a straw.

As long as he answers a question, the boss gives him a straw.

The question is: Why do the first two beggars want toothpicks and you want straws?

The beggar replied, "A drunk just threw up. They ate everything they could with toothpicks, so I had to suck the rest with a straw. " .

1。

When I was shopping, I suddenly felt a stomachache, so I went into the hot pot restaurant on the corner 199. I want to borrow a toilet, but I can't find it on the first floor. So I ran to the second floor. The second floor was still under renovation, and it was empty, only to find that there was a faulty toilet door to be repaired. Please don't use it. I really can't help it. It's empty anyway. ! When I finished, I went downstairs and found no one there. Strangely, it's dinner time. Just now, I said downstairs at the wedding, why did you go to the building all at once? Even the waiter and receptionist were gone ... so I approached the bar and asked, "Is anyone there?" Why is there no one? At this moment, I saw a waiter coming out from under the bar and saying, *! ..... weren't you there when shit fell from the ceiling and hit the electric fan just now? You are very lucky.

2.

A good friend visited a classmate's house and sat down in the living room. When he saw a plate of peanuts on the table, he began to eat rudely. After a while, my classmate's grandmother came out and said,' Since my tooth fell out, I can't even eat my favorite peanut, so I can only lick the sugar off this peanut'. My friend even sprayed it out after listening to it.

3.

There used to be three children taking a shit in a game. The first one has an S shape, the second one has an L shape, but the third one has an equilateral triangle. The other two admired him and asked him how to play. He added another finger and said, pull it up and swing it.

4.

A tribe never wears underwear, and tourists advise them to wear underwear, which is hygienic and warm. So I put it on, but I didn't take it off when I defecated. Looking back, hey! It's so clean, there's nothing. Once you sit down, don't say it's really warm.

It is said that a county magistrate with a strong accent in Hunan went to the village to give a report:

"Rabbit, shrimp, pig tail! No pickles, pickles are too expensive! ! "

Attention, comrades and villagers! Stop talking and have a meeting now! ! )

After the county magistrate finished speaking, the host said, "Please give me sausages and pickles!"

Now, please talk to the township head! )

The township head said, "Rabbit, the dog ate today's meal, and everyone is a big jerk!" "

Comrades, that's enough for today. Let's make a big bowl! )"

No pickles, I'll pick up a piece of shit and lick it for you. . . "

Don't talk, I'll tell you a story. . . )

Taoyuan dialect is very strange and has a high ending. For example, "ju" is pronounced "pig".

Go to the propaganda department of the county party Committee first and contact the personnel bureau for an interview. The propaganda department called me to make an appointment and put me on speakerphone.

Propaganda Department: "Hello, are you a pig? (Personnel Bureau) "

The other party: "No, you are mistaken. I am not a person, I am a pig (Personnel Bureau) and my mother is a pig (Grain Bureau). "

The next day, I attended the briefing of the county government. Roll call before the meeting.

Moderator: "Which units have arrived?" So the participants signed up one by one:

"I am a wild boar (Public Security Bureau)."

"My name is Pig (Education Bureau)."

"I am a pig (post office)."

"I am a typical pig (telecommunications bureau)

6.

A couple got lost in their trip, ran into a primeval forest and met some savages. As soon as the savage saw two guys with tender skin, he wanted to eat them and said to them, "I haven't eaten fresh meat for a long time, so I can have a big meal today." The couple were frightened and said, "Please let us go. We just got here and got lost, but don't eat us. We will do whatever you want us to do. " Seeing that they were a little scared, the savage said to them, "Well, just do as I say, then let the man shit, the woman shit, and then let the man eat the woman shit, and let the woman eat the man shit." They don't have to do this. Then the savage really let them go and ran out of the forest. The woman said, "If you love me, you won't play so much! " "

7.a and B flew, broke down and landed on a desert island.

The chief of the cannibal on the desert island said, "You can let you go with the same piece of fruit as 100!" ! ! "

After a while, A first brought 100 strawberries.

Chief: "put them all in your ass and let you go!" " ! ! "

A started cramming ... 98, nothing. ...

When he stuffed 99, he smiled "Hey, hey …" All the strawberries came out …

A was killed by the chief. ...

In heaven, the angel asked armour, "You only need one to avoid death, but why are you laughing?" ? "

A said, "Because I saw B bring back 100 durians."

8. Bears and rabbits shit in the forest. The bear asked the rabbit, "Does it matter if the hair is on the stool?"

The rabbit replied "Never mind".

So the bear wiped his ass with a rabbit.

9. In the cold winter, two beggars wandered in the street.

"I'm so hungry, I feel like I can eat a cow now!" Beggar a said.

"Me too. I'm starving. If the pole in front of us can eat, I can definitely eat from the root to the top. " Beggar b is not to be outdone.

They passed a pub, and I don't know who was drunk in the pub. Maybe the wind cooled the stomach and left vomit in front of the pub. Two beggars stared blankly at the vomit.

"To tell you the truth, I really want to eat this vomit." Beggar A just said.

"I'm hungry too, but that's someone else's vomit. It's disgusting. " Beggar b is a little embarrassed.

"I don't care, do you eat or not?" , a beggar asked.

"It's disgusting. If you don't eat, you will be a beggar! " Beggar b is righteous and upright.

"Can I eat alone? ! "After that, Beggar A leaned down and began to eat vomit.

After a while, beggar A finished eating, and the two continued to stroll forward.

It may be the winter. The vomit is too cold. Beggar A's stomach seemed a little overwhelmed, but he still held back, but it was vomit after all. Beggar a can't help feeling sick at the thought. Beggar B is even more hungry and has some regrets.

After a while, beggar A couldn't help it. "Wow ... wow ..." Beggar A also vomited.

At this time, Beggar B quickly leaned down and began to eat Beggar A's vomit.

"Hey, hey, aren't you sick? Why do you also eat vomit? " Beggar a asked puzzled.

"Idiot, I have principles. I only eat spicy food. Besides, isn't this stall more than that just now? " ,

Beggar b said without looking up.