Who has a funny joke or essay?

1. The soldier asked the company commander: What should I do if I step on a mine in battle? The company commander was greatly annoyed: depend, what can I do? Pay the price for stepping on it.

2. I am very distressed that I haven't received your message for a long time. I thought of death and used potato chips to cut my pulse; Hit your head with tofu; Jump over the building with a parachute; Hanging with noodles. Can all die, you can invite me to dinner and support me to death.

promise 3. If you feel cold in your heart, please call me! Please press 1 to talk about feelings, 2 to talk about work, 3 to talk about life, 5 to introduce someone to me, please tell me directly when you invite me to dinner, and please hang up when you borrow money from me.

4. The giraffe married the monkey, and a year later, the giraffe filed for divorce: I will never live this kind of jumping up and down again! Monkey is furious: Leave! Who has ever seen a kiss and climb a tree!

5. The fish said, "I keep my eyes open all the time in order to leave by your side." The water said, "I flow tirelessly all day long to hug you around." The pot said, "It's so stubborn when you're almost fucking ripe."

6. Have you eaten? Please receive the short message. The elephant put the shit in the middle of the road, and an ant happened to pass by. It looked up at the misty peak and couldn't help singing: Yalaso, this is the Qinghai-Tibet Plateau! ~ ~ ~

7. You have grown up, and there are some things you should know: the sky is used for windy and rainy days; Land is used to grow flowers and grass; I am used to prove how great human beings are; You are used to stew vermicelli.

8. Don't worry if you don't bring any paper when you are near the railway. The train will remind you: pants wipe, pants wipe, pants wipe! Don't worry when you go to the toilet by the river without paper, the frog will tell you: stick scraping, stick scraping, stick scraping!

9. Money can buy a house but not a home, marriage but not love, clocks but not time. Money is not everything, but the root of pain. Give me your money and let me bear the pain alone!

1. God, it's so blue! The sea, too salty! Life is too difficult! Work, too annoying! And you, decree by destiny! Miss you, insomnia! It's too far to see you! Well, what can I do? I miss you so much that I can't eat chopsticks or swallow bowls!

11. I send you 12 zodiac signs. I wish you smart as a mouse, strong as an ox, bold as a tiger, lovely as a rabbit, confident as a dragon, charming as a snake, romantic as a horse, gentle as a sheep, naughty as a monkey, beautiful as a chicken, loyal as a dog and looks like a pig!

12. The beauty of learning lies in confusing people; The beauty of poetry lies in inciting men and women to cheat; The beauty of a woman lies in being stupid

without regrets; The beauty of a man lies in telling a lie.

13. I only care about you. What I care about is whether I care about you. Do I care about you as much as I care about you? I'm dizzy!

14. Have you heard of it? Looking back 5 times in the previous life, I got a brush in this life. Close friends like you and me didn't seem to do anything in the previous life, just fucking turned back!

15. Two counterfeiters accidentally made counterfeit banknotes with a face value of 15 yuan, and they decided to spend them in remote mountainous areas. When they took a candied haws bought by 15 yuan from 1 yuan, they cried, and the farmers gave them two 7-piece ones.

16. Your life portrayal: At the age of ten, learn to take a bath by yourself ―― the pig cleans itself; Twenty years old shines brilliantly ―― when the pig is young; Find a job at the age of 3-start a career as a pig; At the age of forty, I hired a servant-a pig's servant; Learn to play basketball at the age of 5 ―― pig throwing!