Tell me jokes and I'll give you points.

He said angrily, "Did you turn that man down? 」

The little girl looked at her mother with innocent eyes, nodded and said, "That man touched me up and down, and I said," Don't stop! ! 」

Ge Liang is proficient in eight special skills, one of which is ventriloquism. On this day, Zhuge Liang was discussing with Liu Bei in his account, and Zhuge Liang suddenly wanted to fart.

I am afraid of being heard by Liu Bei. Sorry, he had an idea and said, "Master, how about I call you a woodpecker to adjust the atmosphere?" Liu Bei nodded.

Zhuge Liang barked twice in imitation of a woodpecker and took the opportunity to fart. Then he asked, "What's the matter, master? Do I learn like it? " Liu Bei said, "Learn it again, Gang."

You farted too loudly, I didn't hear you. "

A primary school student participated in the school recitation competition for the first time and was particularly nervous. The teacher encouraged him for a long time, but his palms were still sweating. It's finally her turn.

Pupils gritted their teeth and walked a few steps to the center of the stage: "Teachers and classmates, the topic I recited is: Red leaves are crazy (maple leaves) ..." ~ ~ # RMB * * ......

As a primary school student, I am particularly envious when I see my classmates who are assigned to read the composition by the teacher. I always hoped that the teacher would let me read it. The opportunity has finally come.

"So-and-so, read your composition to everyone!"

Pupils suddenly stood up: "My teacher". Teacher, I am more like your mother ... ":(

This time, I am the host of a song and dance troupe, and I am not proficient in learning.

At a performance, I hurried on stage without being ready.

The performance takes turns.

It was her turn to announce the curtain call: "Audience friends, let's listen to Du Zi flute ..." (Note: "Du Zi" means swearing in Northeast dialect)

The audience threw out a piece of #-

My family often plants green onions in pots in winter to keep them fresh and tender.

My sister saw it when she came home for the New Year and said happily to my mother, "Hey! Mom, it's too rough ... "

My mother and I both laughed.

There is a neighbor named "Auntie" who goes to work by bike every day.

I met her at the door early in the morning. I smiled and said politely, "Grandma, Daban ..."

Bah! ..... I want to bite off my tongue.

My classmate anonymous, one day feeling sorry for himself, suddenly turned to the person behind him and said, "Is my chest hair nice?"

He was startled and said, "Oh, I want to ask if my eyebrows are fierce."

Everybody stand up! Play the national flag and raise the national anthem. ...

There is also a passage from a Russian writer's novel: all the houses here belong to the lords (referring to the rich).

As a result, one of my male classmates read aloud: All the houses here belong to old men. As soon as the voice fell, our Chinese teacher asked him doubtfully: Where do the old ladies live?

Electrical appliances hold a joke contest, stipulating that every electrical appliance should tell a joke, so that every audience at the scene can laugh, or they will be arrested in Aruba.

The washing machine was the first one to play. As soon as he finished his joke, all the audience burst out laughing.

Suddenly I heard the rice cooker say, "It's so cold ~ ~ ~"

So the washing machine was taken to Aruba.

Next is the smartest computer. As soon as his joke was finished, all the home appliances laughed.

I heard the rice cooker say, "It's so cold ~ ~ ~"

So! Computers were also brought to Aruba.

The third place is the most humorous desk lamp. The desk lamp confidently finished the joke, and everyone laughed and rolled on the ground.

The rice cooker said, "It's so cold ~ ~ ~"

Just as the desk lamp was about to be taken to Aruba, the rice cooker stood up angrily and turned to the refrigerator sitting behind him and said, "I'm full." Smile happily, right? Don't open your mouth so wide. Cold! "

Electrical appliances hold a joke contest, stipulating that every electrical appliance should tell a joke, so that every audience at the scene can laugh, or they will be arrested in Aruba.

The washing machine was the first one to play. As soon as he finished his joke, all the audience burst out laughing.

Suddenly I heard the rice cooker say, "It's so cold ~ ~ ~"

So the washing machine was taken to Aruba.

Next is the smartest computer. As soon as his joke was finished, all the home appliances laughed.

I heard the rice cooker say, "It's so cold ~ ~ ~"

So! Computers were also brought to Aruba.

The third place is the most humorous desk lamp. The desk lamp confidently finished the joke, and everyone laughed and rolled on the ground.

The rice cooker said, "It's so cold ~ ~ ~"

Just as the desk lamp was about to be taken to Aruba, the rice cooker stood up angrily and turned to the refrigerator sitting behind him and said, "I'm full." Smile happily, right? Don't open your mouth so wide. Cold! "

Electrical appliances hold a joke contest, stipulating that every electrical appliance should tell a joke, so that every audience at the scene can laugh, or they will be arrested in Aruba.

The washing machine was the first one to play. As soon as he finished his joke, all the audience burst out laughing.

Suddenly I heard the rice cooker say, "It's so cold ~ ~ ~"

So the washing machine was taken to Aruba.

Next is the smartest computer. As soon as his joke was finished, all the home appliances laughed.

I heard the rice cooker say, "It's so cold ~ ~ ~"

So! Computers were also brought to Aruba.

The third place is the most humorous desk lamp. The desk lamp confidently finished the joke, and everyone laughed and rolled on the ground.

The rice cooker said, "It's so cold ~ ~ ~"

Just as the desk lamp was about to be taken to Aruba, the rice cooker stood up angrily and turned to the refrigerator sitting behind him and said, "I'm full." Smile happily, right? Don't open your mouth so wide. Cold! "

Ugly child

A woman got on the bus with a child in her arms. The driver glanced at the child and suddenly said, "I have never seen such an ugly child in my life!" " "

The angry woman went to the last row, sat down and said to a man next to her, "This driver just insulted me!" " "

The man replied, "You go and get even with him at once, and I'll hold this ugly monkey for you! ……"

A joke that you can't speak Mandarin well.

1, the fish seller shouted at the top of his lungs, "fish, fish." Not to be outdone, a jujube seller nearby immediately shouted, "Shit (jujube), shit (jujube)." "Fish." "Oh,no." "Fish." "Shit." The more fish sellers listen, the more wrong they are. He felt that the jujube seller was deliberately targeting him, so they quarreled.

The director of a township enterprise will visit Kobe, Japan. He doesn't even speak Mandarin, but only speaks dialects at ordinary times. So he sent his subordinates to find translators, and when he came back, he reported that "none of the Japanese translators could understand the factory director's dialect". The factory director said, "Easy. Let's invite another teacher from our town to translate our dialect into Mandarin first. " The subordinate said, "Not yet. When I arrive in Japan, I have to ask someone to translate Japanese Mandarin into Kobe dialect. "

A foreigner with a strong dialect got lost in this city. When he saw a gentle young lady coming, he greeted him and asked, "Rabbit (comrade), give me a kiss (sorry) ..." Before the words were finished, the young lady blushed with anger.

4. A southerner came to a snack bar in Beijing and said to the waitress, "How much is it to sleep for one night (a bowl of jiaozi)?" Hearing this, the waiter changed his face and screamed, "rogue!" " Hearing this, the southerner said, "It's only sixty cents, which is cheap. Come for one night (bowl). "

5. A brother and sister farmer used a scooter to pull wheat to the market to sell. A southerner came to their brother and sister and asked, "Brother, how much is your little sister?" Big brother was so angry that the veins stood out on his forehead.

6. Niu Laobo is shouting loudly: "The moon cakes are sold, and ten are four dollars." Many people gathered around to buy this "cheap" moon cake, and only when they paid did they know that the moon cake for the elderly was four yuan for ten yuan.

7. The old people in the nursing home held a party on the night of Mid-Autumn Festival. The host, Mrs. Wang, said: "Ladies and gentlemen, the performance is really damn (start). Please be quiet. "

8. A northerner inquired where the "cable car" was in a park in Guangzhou. He searched according to the answer and found the "men's room".

9. On the first morning after a couple got married, the family got up and washed their faces. The bride respectfully said to her mother-in-law, "Mother-in-law, you should die first." After that, the bride said to the groom, "My mother-in-law is dead, will you die?" After a pause, he said, "My mother-in-law and you are dead, and finally I am dead." Hearing this, the mother-in-law was livid and couldn't say a word. The bride said, "Mother-in-law, why are you still alive?"

10, an old lady in Putian sells sugar cane on the roadside. A bus stopped and a foreigner came to the old lady's booth to buy sugar cane. Just after weighing the sugar cane, the car started without paying. The old lady urged, "Come on, give me the money and I'll marry you." Outsiders were so scared that they didn't even take sugar cane, so they quickly got on the bus.

1 1. A country girl came to the supermarket, and the waiter greeted her warmly: "What do you want, miss?" The girl said, "I want your life (noodles), pig grandson (bamboo shoots)."

12, Chunhua met a friend who was shopping with her son. She hurried forward to say hello and praised: "This little wolf boy (boy) is really cute."

13, a rural primary school was having a class, and the teacher came into the classroom: "Stand (sit in) the class." The students said in unison, "It's good to be old and dead!" The teacher said, "Students, it's good to die early!" "

14, two country girls came back from the city. It's getting late. When they saw a truck coming, they waved to it. The driver leaned out and a girl said, "Comrade, can we be your wife (car)?" The driver said angrily, "Who wants you to be my wife?" Another girl quickly said, "It doesn't matter, we are very close." The driver was so angry that he drove away and thought, "Who will go with you?"

15, the village chief said at the villagers' meeting: "Rabbits, shrimps and pickles are too expensive, not pickles, but pig's trotters." Translate his dialect into Mandarin: Comrades and villagers, let's have a meeting now. Don't talk, but pay attention.

When my friends and I first moved, there was no TV at home, which was very boring. Let's pretend that there is a TV set on the desk, and then we can change the channel by pretending that we have a remote control. This son of a bitch keeps changing channels. I told him, but he wouldn't listen. Then we started fighting.

The teacher asked Xiaoming questions in class, but Xiaoming stood up without saying a word.

Teacher: Xiaoming?

Teacher: Xiaoming

Teacher: Xiaoming! What's the matter with you? Do you know the answer or not? At least let me know!

Xiao Ming: Zhi ~

Three rabbits shit.

The first one is only long.

The second one is just spherical.

The third one is actually triangular.

Asked, it replied: I pinched it with my hand.

Pig Bajie was making out with Chang 'e on the moon when suddenly a dark shadow passed by and Pig Bajie hurriedly carried a rake.

After chasing him out, he came back after a while and said, damn it, Yang Liwei. ......

A man kept a parrot. The parrot was so strong that all the other birds in it were killed by it.

Later, the master brought back an eagle and put it together. When the owner came to see it, the parrot's hair hung outside the cage.

The host said, "Not this time."

But on closer inspection, the eagle died, and the parrot said naked, "This grandson is really amazing. If you don't take off your arm, you can't beat Yating. "

Have you ever heard the joke that the big pig said yes and the little pig said no? Most people will answer no.

Today, I played CS in the Internet cafe. Not far away, there are two non-mainstream players playing hard. 5. Press the keyboard with a bang! I am very distressed!

So, I also started to press the keyboard! I pressed hard! Press hard! Press faster than them! Louder than them!

They couldn't help looking over, and I glanced at them contemptuously on purpose! They changed their faces and gave me a hard look! I'll stare back at you right away!

They went on playing with a livid face, but the noise exceeded mine!

Would I want to? So, I beat the keyboard with my palm! Clap hard! Clap hard!

Those two guys stopped hitting hard at first sight and started hitting the keyboard! Louder than me again!

How can I stop? Knock on the keyboard with your fist at once! Hit hard! Hit hard!

The two men looked at each other and began to hit the keyboard! The noise has surpassed me again! I won't give up! Tear off the keyboard! Just throw it on the ground! I stepped on it hard Step hard!

Everyone in the internet cafe gave me the warmest applause! Those two non-mainstream idiots are at a loss!

However, under my provocative eyes, they are also angry! They also ripped off the keyboard! Throw it on the ground and step on it! Then they looked at me defiantly!

At this time, the network management of the Internet cafe surrounded them! A webmaster looked at the keyboard trampled by them and slapped it in the face! Then the network management swarmed! Beat up two non-mainstream!

Finally, two non-mainstream people were lying on the ground, and one of them pointed at me weakly and asked, "Why didn't you ... hit him?"

A webmaster kicked him in the past: "People play CS and bring their own keyboards!"

One day, on the bus, a lady left her seat to buy a ticket. When I came back, I found that my seat was occupied by another woman. I was very unwilling and said loudly: It's not easy to lay eggs, but it takes up the nest quickly. When the woman sitting in the seat heard this, she quickly stood up and said with a smile: I'm sorry for delaying your laying!