Tell jokes to girls?

The ant married the elephant, but the elephant died a few days later. The ant was very sad and cried and scolded: Dear, why did you walk in front of me? I don't have to do anything else in my fucking life, so I buried you! ! !

An ant saw an elephant on the road. The ant got into the soil with only one leg exposed.

Little Nutbrown hare saw it and asked, "Why are your legs exposed?"

The ant said, "Shh! Don't make any noise, I'll trip him! "

The next day, the rabbit saw the whole nest of ants waiting in line in a hurry and asked why.

The ant replied, "Yesterday, an elephant was tripped by one of our brothers and was seriously injured. Let's go and donate blood to that girl. "

Not long after, the rabbit saw a large number of ants coming back and asked what was going on. An ant said, "Oh, only one of them has the same blood type as that elephant. It is enough to leave him there to draw blood. "

On the third day, the rabbit came to the ant and asked, "Is that ya still alive?"

The ant said helplessly, "I carried it." It's so heavy that my waist is bent. It fell too hard! " "

When an elephant is sick, it should sue ants. The court ruled that ants tripped over elephants for malicious injury and imprisoned them for 6 months.

The ant refuses to accept, "the crime of personal injury is imprisoned for up to 2 months. Why did you sentence me to half a year? "

Judge: "The crime of personal injury is sentenced to February, and tripping an elephant is a crime of racial discrimination, plus 4 months."

So the ant filed a complaint with the High Court: "We are equal to elephants, how can we' discriminate'? Please ask the High Court to make a clear judgment, return us to innocence, and sue the judge for framing. "

A few days later, the elephant suddenly died and everyone ran to see it. I found a female ant next to me. Just ask it how the elephant died.

The mother ant cried and said, "I will tell it that I am pregnant with its child, and it will ..."

A few days later, the mother ant laid a pile of eggs, hatched and hatched, and finally hatched a group of ostriches, damn it! How unfair the elephant's death is!

One day, the rabbit suddenly saw an elephant hiding behind a tree and sticking out a leg. He asked, "What are you doing?"

The elephant said, "Shh! Be quiet. I will wait for the ant to come, so that I can stir him up and avenge my brother. "

As soon as the rabbit left the elephant, he heard the elephant's cry, so he ran back to see it at once and met an ant panting on the roadside.

After listening to the ant, the rabbit asked him: I wanted to provoke Lao Zi, but I found it early. It broke your foot!

The elephant was sent back to the hospital because the femoral artery was broken. This time, the blood loss is even more, even 80L is not enough. The blood bank is in an emergency, and the only ant that matches the blood type of the elephant has collapsed after the last blood transfusion.

(2)

Not long after the ant married the elephant, the elephant died of illness.

The ant was very sad. He lay down on the elephant's body and began to cry. He cried and said, why are you walking in front of me? Damn it, I will do nothing in my life except dig a hole and bury you.

(3)

One day, an ant said something to an elephant. The elephant fainted. Do you know what this is? The ant said to the elephant, honey, I'm pregnant. The elephant woke up and said a word to the ant. The ant is dizzy. What is this? Hehe, "Honey, let's do it again".

(4)

Once upon a time there was an ant and an elephant. They are good friends. They often play, eat and bathe together.

One day, there was a misunderstanding between the ant and the elephant, and the elephant went after the ant. Ants run, run, run to a pile of sand. The ant got into the sand, showing only one leg. A mouse saw it and asked the ant, "Ant, ant, why are you showing a leg?" The elephant will see you. You are really stupid. "

The ant said angrily, "You are so stupid!" I knocked down the elephant with one leg exposed, you stupid mouse, leave me alone and wait for the show! How can an elephant stand up! "Say that finish, I smiled a few times.

(5)

In any case, it is impossible, but it is true: ants and elephants are in love.

On that day, after meeting the elephant, the ant fell in love at first sight and fell in love with each other deeply. However, under the pressure of the family, ants and elephants can only communicate in secret.

On this day, the ant met the elephant again. The ant nestled in the elephant's arms and said, "honey, it's not the way for us to continue like this." We might as well explain our relationship to our families and make it public. Otherwise, you can only sneak around like this. I really can't stand the pain of missing. "

The elephant sighed and said, "Yes, I have the same idea. I can tell your family directly, and I will object. They will definitely not agree when they see that I am poor. "

The ant said, "Why don't we elope?"

"That can't do. Sooner or later, people will know about us. How's this? Let the newspaper report first, others will be moved by our sincere love, will support us, and the family will be forced to agree. " The elephant thought for a moment and said.

"That's settled," said the ant.

So, ants and elephants came to the newspaper and explained everything to the reporter fox. Fox is worried about the circulation of newspapers, but he didn't expect business opportunities to come. The fox decorated the night and wrote an article "Love between Ant and Elephant".

The next day, the love story was reported on the front page of Animals. The whole animal kingdom is sensational. Moved by the love between ants and elephants. After reading the report, the ant tribe hurriedly held an emergency meeting to discuss this little ant.

The old ant said, "I believe everyone has read the report." What do you think of this matter? "

The middle-aged ant said, "I strongly disagree. Elephants are disgusting. Last time, if I didn't run fast, I was almost trampled to death. "

Another ant agreed, "I don't agree either. The elephant was cruel and trampled on my brother-in-law. Only two days after my sister and brother-in-law got married, the brother-in-law was trampled to death by that cruel elephant, which led to my sister living alone now and crying in the room all day. " ……

Finally, the ants unanimously disapprove of the marriage between the little ant and the elephant.

However, despite the opposition of many ants, the little ant resolutely crossed the layers of obstacles and finally married the conscious animal like the elephant.

After marriage, the young couple, the ant and the elephant, loved each other and respected each other, never quarreled or blushed. However, the weather is unpredictable and animals are doomed. That day, the elephant was foraging outside. Dozens of ants are busy in a tree on the edge of the cliff. Suddenly, a gust of wind blew the tree off. I was about to fall into the cliff. At this moment, I saw an elephant rushing over and hooked the tree with its nose. The elephant slipped and fell into the cliff. When the elephant woke up from the coma, he was already lying in the first animal hospital, with hundreds of ants beside him, including those he saved. At this time, Dr. Mosquito came and said to the ants, "The elephant bled too much, but there was no blood in the hospital." I hope you can donate some blood. " Hearing this, the ants just pulled up their sleeves and asked the doctor to draw blood. Some of them go to collect more ants to donate. Soon, there was a long queue at the hospital gate, and millions of ants were waiting to donate blood.

Although, with the help of many ants, the elephant finally died of excessive blood loss at the age of 30. The little ant cried for three days and nights, but it didn't help. The little ant finally picked up the shovel and dug the grave for the elephant. But the little ant dug for 7749 days, which was not enough to bury an elephant's tooth. Digging for another 7749 days, there is not much progress. The little ant couldn't help complaining, "Dad, why don't you take me away?" We have been married for less than five years, and you have forced me to spend the rest of my life digging your soul grave ... "。

(6)

Ants and elephants go to find prostitutes together, and hippos and centipedes in the little red building entertain them.

The next day, when the elephant saw the tired and scattered ants, he boasted, "Awesome, I climbed down without going up or down twice, which was very good. You're amazing. You've been having sex all night. You are really an ant among ants. I admire you. " The ant lay on the ground and said sadly, "Shit, I moved my thighs all night, and I haven't finished moving them this morning."

№ 1

Son: Dad, tell me a story.

Dad: OK. Once upon a time, there was a frog. ......

Son: No, I want to hear historical stories.

Dad: OK. In the Song Dynasty, there was a frog. ......

№2

Once upon a time, there was a scholar who had a stupid son. One day, a friend came to visit the scholar. In order to show his talent, he decided to let his son entertain the guests, and specially taught him a few words: "If the guests ask you why our peach tree is missing? What did you just say? Let me cut and sell it? ; If he asks you why our fence is so messy. What did you just say? Destroyed by the chaos of war? ; If he asks you why our family is so rich, what do you say? Mom and dad earned it hard? ; If he asks you why you are so smart. What did you just say? Of course, our family has been like this for generations. ? "So the son went to entertain the guests.

The guest asked, "Where's your father?" The son replied, "I'll cut it and sell it!" " The guest was surprised and asked, "What about your mother?" The son replied, "The soldiers and horses are all useless!" The guest asks again: "Is there so much cow dung in front of your house?" The son proudly said, "My parents worked hard to earn it!" The guest asked angrily, "How can you say that?" The son proudly said, "Of course, our family has been like this for generations!" "

№3

A little boy was taken to the hospital by his mother. In order to make the little boy less nervous, the doctor pointed to his ear and teased him, "Is this your nose, little friend?"

The little boy looked at the doctor and turned to his mother seriously and said, "Mom, we need a new doctor."

№4

The mother once again called her son to get up: "Jacques, good boy, it's time to get up." You have heard the cock crow several times. "

"What does cock crow have to do with me? I am not a hen. "

№5

A: "My wife and I had a big fight last night and threw all our food out of the balcony on the seventh floor. The result ... "

B: "What was the result?"

"The building where I live this morning is surrounded by a group of scientists who specialize in flying saucers."

№6

I have four children, all of whom are naughty. One day when I came home from work, the children made a lot of noise at home. My wife was very happy to see me back and said, "It's great that you finally came back."

I am glad to think that the children are afraid of me, but my wife went on to say, "Only you are the most obedient and obedient at home! Go and buy me a bag of salt. "

№7

Man: "Miss, you are as beautiful as a flower."

Woman: "Thank you."

Man: "Miss, you are as gentle as the moon."

Woman: "Thank you."

Man: "Miss, you are as pure as holy water."

Woman: "Thank you."

Man: "Miss, can you marry me?"

Woman: "You are as wordy as my husband!" "

№8

As soon as Mr. Smith checked a female patient and confirmed that she was pregnant, he said, "Mrs. Mary, I have good news for you."

"It's Miss Mary." Young ladies are more upright.

"Oh, Miss Mary," the doctor said quickly, "I have some bad news for you ..."

№9

The mother was very angry with her daughter.

"This is the modern young people!" She said to her friend. "I made a boyfriend when I was 0/6 years old, but I forgot my mother's 32nd birthday!"

№ 10

Women are ugly, but they love powder.

Every day before going out, she will put on a thick layer of powder.

People on the road will laugh when they see her.

But she said with a straight face, "I stopped laughing when you laughed, and the powder fell off."

№ 1 1

Someone went to the zoo to see the orangutan. I heard that the orangutan was very clever, so I paid tribute to the orangutan, and the orangutan actually imitated his salute. Then the man patted his chest again, and the orangutan also imitated and patted his chest; The man thought it was very interesting and continued to stick out his tongue at the orangutan. Unexpectedly, this time the orangutan did not imitate, but threw stones at him. The man asked the breeder angrily, and the breeder told him that sticking out his tongue in the eyes of orangutans meant calling him a fool. This man realized.

The next day, the man came to the zoo to see the orangutan, saluted it and patted its chest. Orangutans imitate it Then the man took out a stick and hit him on the head, and then gave it to the orangutan. Unexpectedly, the orangutan laughed and spat out his tongue at the man.

№ 12

The young priest was walking in the forest when a big bear suddenly appeared. The priest ran away in despair, and the bear chased him closely. The priest accidentally stepped on a puddle and threw himself to the ground. In desperation, he prayed to God: "Lord, turn this fierce beast into a devout believer."

Lightning flashed and a miracle happened. ..................... Bell knelt before him, put his hands on his chest, bowed his head and muttered, "Thank God for a wonderful dinner."

№ 13

A snail was walking on the road and a turtle ran over him. So the snail was sent to first aid. When the snail regained consciousness, the police asked him about the situation at that time. The snail replied, "I don't remember, he was too fast."

№ 14

A hen is sitting comfortably with an egg. Suddenly, an egg emerged from its bottom.

The hen asked in surprise, "What's the matter? Why did you run out? "

Small egg said, "You ............., you ....................., you fart!"

№ 15

A little turtle blinked mysteriously: "Do you know? I work in the kitchen of an upscale hotel. "

"You are talking nonsense again!" The mouse smiled.

"I won't lie to you," said the tortoise seriously. "My bath water was taken there to make soup."

№ 16

The biology teacher is describing the appearance of African wild boar on the stage with great interest. Occasionally, he swept his eyes from the stage and found that most students were dozing off. So he was furious and shouted, "Look at me! How can I know what African wild boar looks like without looking at me? "

№ 17

One day, a professor suddenly stopped teaching and seriously said to everyone:

"If the classmate sitting in the middle can be as quiet as the classmate sitting at the end playing cards, the classmate sitting in front will not be disturbed."

№ 18

When a student handed in his homework to the art teacher, he handed in a blank sheet of paper.

The teacher asked, "What about the painting?"

The student replied, "This is it!" He pointed to a blank sheet of paper and said.

Teacher: "What did you draw?"

Student: "Cows eat grass."

Teacher: "Where is the grass?"

Student: "eaten by cows."

Teacher: "What about the cow?"

Student: "Why are the cows still standing there after all the grass has been eaten?"

№ 19

Once, my brother was in a history class, and the teacher asked him, "Who is Louis XIV?"

The younger brother replied, "Louis XIV, Louis X plus Louis IV, right?"

Hearing this, the teacher almost vomited blood and was out of breath, and then said angrily, "Why don't you say Louis VII times Louis II?"

Who knows the younger brother replied without thinking: "Teacher, from a mathematical point of view, Louis seven times Louis two should be equal to Louis square fourteen, so you are wrong."

The teacher fainted on the spot!

№20

Young teachers in a university love playing mahjong. Once, he played all night. At 7:40 the next morning, he got off the mahjong table at 7: 30 and hurried to class.

It happened that the students on duty today didn't clean the blackboard. He shouted, "Who is the farmer?" The students on duty did not dare to answer, so they had to wipe it themselves, but the eraser could not be found. He shouted again, "Hey ... where's the whiteboard?"

How to write shit?

Student: "How to write the teacher's shit?"

The teacher thought for a moment: "hey ... shit." Shit. Shit. Why don't you come out on the tip of your tongue? "

Commit fraud

The law department of a university took the criminal law exam one day. The first question the professor asked the students was: "What is the crime of fraud?" The student replied, "If you don't let me pass the exam, it's fraud." The professor was surprised: "How to explain?" The student said: "According to the criminal law, anyone who makes use of others' ignorance to make them suffer losses is fraud ..."

keep quiet

On this day, the teacher shouted at the noisy class as usual: "No-no-noisy! Everybody be quiet, okay? ! "Nobody paid attention to him in the class, and the teacher left as soon as he tossed his head, ready to complain to the principal. When the headmaster and teacher came back to the classroom angrily and were about to start cursing, they were surprised to find their classmates holding them quietly.

"What's the matter? Why has everyone become so embarrassed? " The teacher secretly rejoiced and couldn't believe it. "Is there anything wrong?" There was silence. "come on Monitor, you say! " The monitor stood up shyly and muttered with his head down: "Old teacher, you said,' If one day you come into the classroom and find the class quiet ... you will die for us ..."

Q: How did your roommate Xiao Chen get hurt?

We made a bet to see who could lean farther out of the window, and he won.

Sleep in class

A student was sleeping in class and was found by the teacher. Teacher: "Why do you sleep in class?" A student: "I didn't sleep!" " "Teacher:" Then why do you close your eyes? "A student:" I'm closing my eyes! ""Teacher: "Then why do you nod?" A student: "What you just said is very reasonable!" " "Teacher:" Then why are you drooling? A student: "teacher, you speak with relish!" "

Children are thinking about "heredity and environment". Mom interjected: This question is very simple. As we all know, children who look like their fathers are inherited. Like neighbors, that is the environment.

Khrushchev visited the farm, and the reporter took a photo of him in a pigsty with pigs. The next day, I saw a postscript in the newspaper: the third from the left is Comrade Khrushchev.

W: Why do you look so old-fashioned? M: If you like RMB, do you still care what year it was issued?

Female secretary: "boss, your wife called, and she said on the phone that she wanted to kiss you." "Boss:" You hold it for me first, and then come and give it to me later. "

One day, the lame and the blind went out in the same car. The blind ride, the lame watch the road. Suddenly, the lame man found a deep ditch in front of him and shouted: ditch, ditch, ditch! The blind man sang back: oh, oh, oh, oh! They fell into the ditch together.

It is raining. Many fools in mental hospitals are bathing in the rain with towel soap. You are the only one watching on the windowsill. Someone asked curiously: What are you doing? You said those fools were stupid. I'll wait until the water is hot.

Pure humor

The girl imagined the future and wrote:

I hope to have a healthy child and a husband who really loves me in the future.

Teacher's comment: Please pay attention to the order.

An agricultural college graduate returned to his hometown and saw an old gardener transplanting fruit trees.

Say: according to your dry method, it is enough to surprise me that seven apples can be harvested on this tree.

The old gardener said, "I'm surprised, too. Because this is a peach tree.

A miser wandered around the city because he couldn't hold his breath and went to the toilet. When he got home, he told his wife that he didn't expect it to be just a fart

The wife cursed: you idiot, keep blowing the lights.

The father of student panda Kai warned, "If you fail this exam, someone will be slapped!"!

The giant panda came to school and said to the teacher.

I didn't mean to scare you, teacher!

My father said that if I failed the exam, someone would be slapped.

Divers

A jewelry store was stolen. When the police arrived at the scene, they found a drunk lying there. In order to find out the whereabouts of the jewels, the police found a bucket of cold water, pushed the drunk's head into the water and asked, "Did you see those jewels?"

The drunk opened his misty eyes and said, "Sorry, I really can't find it. You'd better change a diver! " "

I threw up, too

A miser went to a bar to drink, took out the money prepared in advance and ordered a glass of beer.

Halfway through the drink, he felt anxious and wanted to go to the bathroom. But I'm afraid others will drink.

So he borrowed a pen and paper from the waiter. The paper says: I spit in the cup.

Then he left safely.

After a while, he came back and found the wine still there. He is very happy.

However, he found a few more words on the note: I threw up, too

Joke: A reporter interviewed 100 penguins. What do they do all day? The first one said: Eat and sleep to fight peas, and the second one said: Eat and sleep to fight peas. I have been asking 99 of them. When I asked100th, I said: Eat and sleep. The reporter asked: Why not fight peas? Penguin said: I'm fucking peas, your grandmother.

The most classic joke and cunning sentence in the world.

More than 60 years ago, a friend told me a joke and made me laugh. Later, I was admitted to the hospital because my stomach hurt too much. Before the doctor operated on me, he asked me why I smiled like this, so I told him. He laughed hysterically and finally died laughing.

I was taken to court. The judge asked me to tell a joke, and the jury decided whether it met the factual elements of manslaughter. I want to sign an exemption contract. The judge announced that the court would be adjourned and reopened a day later, and announced that he would accept my opinion. So, I told this joke in court, and as a result, some people knocked on the table with a smile and some people rolled on the ground with a smile. Later, everyone who heard the joke that day died laughing.

I became a celebrity in an instant, and reporters from all walks of life asked to interview me. I know that telling this joke may constitute public infringement, so I vaguely said something to the camera to the effect that "the reason is always a lie, and the belief is always masturbation." After the program was broadcast, it caused great repercussions. Unexpectedly, one day, some mysterious plain clothes broke into my bedroom and dragged me into a dark room. After a long time, a strong light shone on my face. I barely opened my eyes and was shocked. The man sitting in front of me is the only person as famous as me-the president.

The president roughly explained the purpose of arresting me, which was simple: record this joke and send it to the dictator of a hostile country in the Middle East, laughing him to death. I had to agree to his request, and at the same time put forward that this joke belongs to weapons of mass destruction and should not be aimed at civilians. The president agreed.

Two weeks later, the president announced that he had mastered the key technology of the joke and successfully tested it in the desert area. This caused an uproar in the international community, and many countries panicked. International military scientists named it "Laughing Deterrence". At this moment, some eastern country suddenly announced that it had mastered this joke, and the buddy who told me this joke had taken refuge in that country. Thus, a "balance between laughter and deterrence" has been formed between us.

Three years later, on April 1 day, what I was worried about all day finally happened: a terrorist organization in the Middle East stole the original technology of that joke. As a result, civilization has been destroyed as never before, and governments all over the world are in constant fear. The United Nations had to hold a global summit and finally designated April 1 day as April Fool's Day.

More than 60 years have passed, and I am dying. Before leaving this world, as a historical witness, I feel it necessary to tell this joke to everyone. That day, my friend told me that the joke was simple and short, just one sentence:

References:

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