24 years old, refused to take medicine. At 28, I chose to face it. At the age of 30, my depression passed …

I was first prescribed antidepressants by a doctor at the age of 24.

At that time, I was still an ostrich buried in the sand I didn't feel anything wrong with myself and refused to take medicine.

Even at that time, my boyfriend would beg me to see a psychiatrist, and I would be bored every time and would not ask for any help.

After I moved to the United States at the age of 28, I chose to actively deal with this matter.

He was diagnosed with major depression, recurrent attacks and general anxiety.

I started to see a therapist once every two weeks (in charge of chatting), a psychologist once a month (in charge of prescribing drugs), and I also attended some parties where anxiety patients communicated.

I just turned 30 now, and my depression is over.

But I have at least one or two anxiety attacks every month, and I always keep in touch with my psychologist and carry emergency anti-anxiety drugs with me.

What I want to share with you is how I went from denying that I needed help to taking the initiative to see a doctor now.

I hope people who feel the same way feel less lonely.

I also want to explain some places that outsiders often misunderstand. I hope that when you communicate with people with depression, you can probably know how to avoid minefields.

"Depression doesn't necessarily make people cry."

It deprived me of all my senses.

My depression started with insomnia.

At some point, when I come home every night, I will panic and even cry as soon as I see the bed.

Because I thought I was going to open my eyes again until dawn.

Then, I realized that I had become extremely irritable. Lost sympathy for anyone and everything.

Then, it is the most serious time of depression:

I lost all my senses.

I became a walking corpse, living in a gray, numb and lifeless world.

I don't feel any emotions, I don't have a sincere smile, I don't have any desire to cry, and my taste buds can't taste any food.

I don't want to contact anyone, I lose my desire and interest in anything, and my memory is getting worse and worse.

When I don't need to work, I just have enough strength to sit in bed all day-

No cell phone, no TV, no one,

I just sat there surrounded by darkness from day to night, and when the darkness came, my anxiety appeared.

When anxiety attacks, the whole body will burst into fever and sweating, and the heart rate will suddenly soar, sometimes accompanied by chest pain or shoulder pain.

My mind will keep thinking about things that have happened in the past that make me entangled, and constantly depict all the details inside.

The more I think about myself, the worse I feel, but there is no way to transfer it.

I didn't tell anyone when all this happened,

On the surface, I'm fine.

My social media is still positive and optimistic, trying to pretend that I am very good and happy;

Although I have severe insomnia, I can't see my extreme lack of sleep at work.

The only person who noticed that something was wrong with me was my boyfriend who had been together for several years.

However, every time he wants me to seek treatment, I get bored and change the subject.

In fact, at that time, I didn't realize that I was suffering from depression/anxiety. I just understood it as simple insomnia.

When I began to suspect that I might have depression, I was afraid to see a psychiatrist.

I am too afraid that acquaintances will know about my illness, that they will see the real me, and that I will be dismissed by the company for seeing a psychiatrist.

I am most afraid of being diagnosed with depression, because I have a sense of shame.

That fear is irrational, irrational.

But I can't convince myself to face it.

"My depression has improved."

But I have a desire to end my life.

Although I refused to receive psychotherapy, I found a trick in the meantime. I can easily ask the outpatient doctor to prescribe benzodiazepines for me.

I also rely on this kind of drugs to spend the most difficult time.

Fortunately, I met the love of my life (my programmer husband) at the end of 26 years. He was the first person I could trust completely.

For him, I am very motivated to become better.

At the age of 27, I felt that I had come out of the worst depression.

At the worst time, I didn't want to end my life at all. On the contrary, I had this idea when I got better.

My mood fluctuated greatly when I got better.

Sometimes I am in a high mood and feel that everything is lovely, and hope is ahead.

Sometimes I feel that I have brought trouble to everyone around me and that my life is a failure. I am the most useless thing I know.

Now that I think about it, it may be because I have been numb for a long time.

The brain seems to have been frozen before.

When I got better, the ice in my brain began to melt and I began to feel all kinds of emotions.

And these emotions are as strong as arsenic for people who have been in the rain for a long time.

Before realizing this wish, I thought that people who wanted to commit suicide felt that life was too painful or too tired.

And I committed suicide because I couldn't bear the pain.

But as far as my personal experience is concerned, the desire to commit suicide for the first time seems to be extremely light:

There should be a clear line between life and death. Most people can clearly see the difference between the two sides of the border and choose life firmly.

In my opinion, this boundary is very vague or even non-existent.

Besides, death seems more tempting. If I die, I don't need to be tortured, and I don't need to hide my inner elephant.

Ah, you see, I suddenly found a good way to solve all the problems-die.

How simple, crisp and neat, emitting an attractive atmosphere.

I clearly remember the first time at that time, probably after 5 o'clock in the morning.

I didn't fall asleep because of anxiety the other night.

After thinking of this "good solution to all problems", my nerves that had been tense for several years suddenly relaxed, so I tried to have a real sleep.

I was laughing when I was asleep because I was so happy.

In recent years, I finally have a hope and a wish for the first time, and that is to plan how to end my life after I wake up.

Fortunately, after I woke up from my sleep, I recalled this desire and suddenly startled myself.

I clearly remember the first time, about 5 o'clock in the morning, and I was tortured by anxiety for the first two nights and didn't fall asleep at all.

At that time, I knew I had to receive treatment.

Later, I occasionally wanted to die several times, but every time I seriously thought about it, and I was worried that it would bring trouble to others, so I didn't practice it seriously.

Here, my suggestion is that if you have this desire,

Please be sure to seek professional help!

"Persistent, repetitive nightmares"

When it disappears, maybe you are getting better.

When I go to see a psychiatrist, I am always asked about my recent nightmare.

At that time, I knew that I had been having a highly consistent nightmare since I was a child, and I kept repeating it. Probably every patient with depression would have the same experience.

If so, write down the frequency of this nightmare a little carefully.

When this nightmare gradually disappears one day, it means that maybe you are getting better.

This nightmare of mine began to disappear at the age of 29.

Attention, medication must be in accordance with the doctor's advice.

Everyone's reaction to drugs is different. The most important thing is to try again and again to get the right dose and drug.

As for me, I have tried two antidepressants,

But it will make my brain blank and I will be so sleepy that I can hardly live a normal life.

After consulting a doctor, I stopped taking drugs for a long time, but insisted on psychotherapy and took anti-anxiety drugs with me.

If you are a girl and are taking long-acting contraceptives, my advice is to stop taking them.

It has been proved that long-term use of contraceptives will inhibit the secretion of thyroxine, thus making people depressed and aggravating depression.

The first step of my treatment was to find hypothyroidism.

Stop using birth control pills, take related drugs, and the thyroid gland returns to normal.

I was very happy at that time, because if it was just a physical problem, it would be easy to solve.

Later, I thought about it. I didn't even start taking long-acting contraceptives when my depression was the worst. I was so happy.

But in any case, it is always good to consider all aspects.

"If you have never suffered from depression,"

Don't say' I understand' or give advice easily.

Probably because most people with depression are naturally sensitive,

Personally, I never talk about my problems easily.

Every time I only tell others that I have insomnia, I don't mention anything about depression and anxiety.

Because I never thought anyone would understand.

Or even more afraid, I opened my heart and shared my deepest and ugliest secret and the most painful thing with others.

And this person says I'm "making a mountain out of a molehill" or "crazy", then I'll probably kill myself right away.

If someone actively shares with you that he suffers from depression, please restrain your strong desire to be a good person and give advice desperately.

I believe that people with depression will try to seek help themselves, so they try many ways.

As far as I am concerned, I have tried everything:

Yoga, meditation, seeing a doctor, reading, exercising, sunbathing, developing hobbies and eating healthily, but the neurotransmitters in the brain just don't listen.

Moreover, when it is particularly dark, it is either a matter of willpower or physical incompetence.

If you can't imagine yourself yelling at the bedside of a vegetable, you idiot, get up quickly. Don't you have legs!

Then please don't say that depressed people are just weak-willed or lazy.

Depression can recur.

If depression is like a cold, it is too child's play.

Depression is more like cancer to me,

You think the treatment is cured, but cancer cells may be quietly brewing elsewhere, and I don't know when they will kill you again.

If you have experienced severe depression, try to change the environment after you come out: move, change jobs, or change cities.

For me, I just resigned. Although I didn't plan what to do next, I knew I wouldn't be better in that environment.

Once you have depression, it means that the neurotransmitters in your brain are different from many people.

Of course, it also needs your extra attention and care.

I always remind myself to remember this,

And use a notebook to record what I am grateful for every day, reminding myself that life is beautiful and I am happy.

You should stick to what you did before to get yourself out of depression, and you can't do less.

"Try meditation!"

It can teach you inner peace and release your emotions.

The benefits of meditation.

Meditation is something I started to do regularly recently.

A few years ago, I began to try sporadically, but I couldn't get into the state at all, and I felt that meditation was a waste of time, so I didn't persist.

However, two months ago, I began to meditate and found myself in a new realm.

The most obvious experience is to be more sensitive to your own emotional changes.

Therefore, when anxiety comes, we can realize that we can try to disperse it to prevent it from invading the whole body.

The best part of meditation is actually to teach you what it feels like to have "inner peace".

You will gradually develop a kind of muscle memory and emotional memory, as long as there is any fluctuation in your heart and any tension in your muscles, you will realize it.

The next step is to slowly try different methods to calm the fluctuating emotions.

This process requires a lot of patience, time and repeated exploration.

At present, we can feel the coming of anxiety a little, but how to relieve it in time is still being explored.

Finally,

It is not clear how many people will read this article.

When I am at a low ebb, I sometimes go to see anxiety or depression related topics shared by others on the Internet.

Remind myself that I am not as lonely and helpless as I thought.

There are really many people in this world who suffer from the same symptoms.

I am also happy to share my experience with strangers who ask for help on Reddit.

This will make me feel that the online world is actually not so cold, and people are still kind.

I wish you a speedy recovery.

Good night and sweet dreams. The world and I love you.

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