A collection of happy moments and jokes

Hello, everyone, I am here to tell you a joke again. Let me start by telling you something. Many people probably don’t know that "jokes" are on the second batch of national intangible cultural heritage lists. You can’t believe it. It seems incredible, but it is true. If you don’t believe me, go search this list. .

I really recommend that you read more jokes, maybe you can get some inspiration, or just laugh. Take a look at the jokes and face life with a positive attitude.

First of all, let me take a look at the general table, which mainly contains statistics on joke standards, categories and quantities.

Look at the 72 jokes again

Boys

Games (6)

1. So miserable

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Call your buddy: What are you doing?

Buddy: Look after the kids. .

Me: Where is my sister-in-law?

My buddy sighed weakly: Let’s play DOTA. . .

2. Fortune-telling

My little nephew, who is eight years old, loves to play Honor of Kings the most. I am twenty-four and want to play too. As a result, I found that playing this game requires Be mentally prepared, just five of you will be fine, because you never know when your teammates will be taken away to do their homework. . . Don't be angry, it all depends on fate.

3. It’s okay

My parents said that I always play violent and bloody games, and you will commit a crime in reality...

Justified I don't know how to defend myself.

The sister on the side said: It’s okay, my brother often plays pick-up games, and I haven’t seen him get a girlfriend...

4. Brothers

I remember that when I played CF for the first time, I encountered a cheater. I used the AK to shoot for a long time, but I couldn't die. I was almost out of bullets, and he suddenly said: "Brother, don't shoot, I am a teammate."

5. Protection

A buddy in the university dormitory just started playing Dota, so he went up to the platform to fight with others, and got scolded in various ways...

Once he got a blood as soon as he went up. , someone scolded him again, and then he replied: You guys are playing really well.

Then a miracle happened. All four teammates surrounded him and protected him from dying. . .

6. Motion sickness

I have recently fallen in love with racing mobile games. I played Asphalt yesterday and spent the entire afternoon playing, and suddenly my head felt dizzy.

I thought to myself: Damn it, what is going on? I just lay on the bed.

At this time, my roommate saw it and asked: What’s wrong? No more playing?

I calmly replied: MD, I’m motion sick!

The roommates were in a mess.

Basketball (6 items)

1. Possession

The exam is about to take place... Asking for Kobe Bryant's possession, he scored 81 points in a single subject.

I want to be possessed by Team Rocket and fail 22 subjects in a row.

Please let McGrady possess you, damn, you can score 13 points in 35 seconds.

2. Laughter

In a high school girls basketball game, a girl grabbed a rebound in her own backcourt, got up and shot into her own column, but failed, and then grabbed the rebound again. , another shot, still no success, another rebound, another shot, hit!

The referee and all the spectators outside the field laughed to the ground.

3. Go home

By the way, I go to the sports center to play basketball with a few brothers every week. Today, we took the ball to the "battlefield" as usual.

This time some good players came, and they shot again and again, and the brothers were completely beaten.

I sat in the audience and watched it, feeling angry in my heart. I kept thinking about ways to save our face.

Finally, I clenched my fists, threw off my coat, walked quickly forward, and shouted to the court: "Give me the ball back, I want to go home..."

4. Poster

In a university basketball game, the previous champion history department team and the computer department team entered the finals.

Before the game, posters were put up to boost the reputation.

The Department of History said: "History has proven that history is surprisingly similar!"

The Department of Computer Science said: "Public opinion has recognized that computers will rewrite history."

5. Deal

Before the 1996 draft, Kobe went to the Lakers for a tryout.

The general manager asked: "What is your greatest characteristic?"

18 The 2-year-old Kobe Bryant proudly said: "I'm not afraid of death when I play!"

The general manager nodded in approval and then traded Divac for him.

Many years later, we learned that what Kobe said was: "I don’t pass when I play basketball!"

6. Loyalty

Playing basketball yesterday evening, the opponent had A fat man, forty years old, about 200 pounds.

I was fighting for a rebound with him. He jumped up to grab the ball and stepped on my instep when he landed.

I watched helplessly as he threw the ball in again. After he finished, he turned around and said to me: "Young man is so righteous and didn't pull his leg."

I gritted my teeth in pain and said. : "Drawed, but not drawn out."

Football (6)

1. You go

When Bashen once scored a goal, he liked Take off your jersey to celebrate, but if you take off your jersey to celebrate, you will get a yellow card.

But this was not difficult for Bashen. In the game against Arsenal, Bashen scored a goal.

Bashen used his brain this time and did not take off his jersey.

Instead, he walked towards Arsenal's Djuru and forced him to take off Djuru's clothes. As a result, he was kicked off the field by the referee.

2. Wrong

In the past, the national football team was always blacklisted. With 1.3 billion, there were not even 11 people who knew how to play football. Now I know I was wrong, because even with 6 billion dollars in foreign countries, I can’t find 3 people who know how to play table tennis.

3. Quarrel

During the World Cup, the couple fought over the remote control.

The husband said: You don’t cook in the kitchen at all, why do you want to watch cooking shows?

Not to be outdone, the wife said: You have never played football, why do you want to watch the World Cup?

4. Opportunity

After football king Pele got married, he gave birth to a lovely son. Friends congratulated him one after another, saying that he was already rich and now that he had a son, his football career would have no heirs.

But after hearing this, Bailey disagreed and said: "It is impossible for my son to inherit my career. Although he may become an athlete, he will never achieve my level of achievement, because I So rich."

5. Composition

The teacher said to the students: The title of this composition is "Remembering a Football Game", everyone should write it well.

Dongdong thought about it for a long time but couldn’t write it down. He wrote a few words in the composition: It rained that day, the ground was slippery, and the game was postponed.

6. Explanation

Male: I have a ticket, shall we watch the football game together today?

Female: Forget it. I can't understand it, I don't even know what offside means.

Male: Let me give you an analogy. Suppose my suitor, your love rival, is a goalkeeper. We attack her together. When you pass the ball to me, you find that I am farther away than anyone else. Your love rivals are all close, so I am out of position.

Cars (6)

1. No

A car crushed a chicken to death while passing through a small village. The driver picked up the unfortunate chicken and said to a little boy who saw what happened: "Is this chicken yours?"

"No, my chicken is the same as his." Although the color and polish are the same, it is not as flat."

2. Pretend

I was taking a long bus ride home, and the girl next to me fell asleep on my shoulder. The long hair falls on my shoulders. It was a wonderful feeling. I just sat there, motionless, enjoying this wonderful feeling. I really thank her for pretending to give me a girlfriend for 1 hour and 40 minutes.

3. Be attentive

I remember when I first got my driver’s license, my dad took me around the car show and looked at Land Rover, Cadillac, Porsche, Bentley and so on. of. I vaguely felt that my parents had hid it from me for twenty years, and the story of the wealthy people in novels and TV shows was going to happen in my family... As a result, my dad said to me after watching the car show: "Do you remember everything? None of these cars can hit us. They can’t even afford to pay for their bumper...

4. It works

The wife called her husband at work

The husband said, “I’m sorry, dear. Yes, I'm very busy at work today. "

The wife replied: "But I have some good news and some bad news to tell you. "

The husband said: "Okay, just tell me the good news. ”

“Well,” said the wife, “the airbag in our car really works.” ”

5. Speechless

Have you noticed that most luxury cars start with the letter B.

For example, BMW, Mercedes-Benz, Porsche, Bentley, Bugatti .

Who can tell me why? (BYD, meaning speechless!)

6. Exchange

The limousine is carrying a big boss.

While passing through an area with poor public security, the boss, who was afraid of death, said to the driver: "Recently, public security is not good, and there are many kidnapping cases. Let's switch. You sit in the back and be the boss, and I will be the driver."

Models (6)

1. Embarrassing

I bought a high-imitation model of Iphone X,

and then ran Go to the square and pretend to make a phone call,

say: "Get out of here, I will never forgive you."

Then throw the model into the river and sit by the river Silent,

At this time, several beauties came to comfort me.

Just when I was having trouble, the old man next to me said:

"Young man, your The phone floated."

The scene was particularly embarrassing.

2. Stingy

My girlfriend’s brother is interested in my Porsche and wants to borrow it from me.

Just when I was about to refuse, my girlfriend’s mother smiled and said: It’s just a car. Your brother-in-law will definitely not be so stingy.

I sneered: What else do you want to do? Do you want to collect your salary card now?

My girlfriend’s mother immediately changed her face: How are you talking? How unpleasant! How many broke money are worth it?

I became angry instantly, and in the end my girlfriend cried and knelt down to beg me. I reluctantly took down the Porsche model from the bookshelf and handed it to her brother.

3. Vacation

A naughty kid came to my friend’s house. His room was turned upside down and all the models were broken.

After the friend came back, he glanced at the room silently. He did not scold the naughty child.

Instead, he took him to the piano and let him play for a while.

Then he said to the naughty child's parents: "You child is very talented at playing the piano." From then on, the child never had a holiday again.

4. Tank

A little boy picked up one hundred yuan on the way to school.

After school, the little boy happily went straight to the toy model store.

Then the little boy chose a tank model and handed the hundred-dollar bill he picked up in the morning to the waiter.

The waiter looked at it and said: "Your money is fake."

The little boy said: "Is your tank real?"

5. Reason

After get off work, make some extra money by placing toy models on the roadside .

A little young lady (about six or seven years old) came and couldn’t put it down for a motorcycle model. He looked at me pitifully and said: "Uncle! I have no money, can you give it to me?"... Looking at his silly look, I smiled and said: "Give me a reason , I’ll give it to you!”…

I saw him touching his head: “My dad is a city official!”…

6. Praise me

One day I took apart the Ultraman toy my father bought for me. My father was about to beat me, but my mother whispered: Don’t beat the child. I heard that inventors did this when they were young.

After that, every time I took apart a toy, my father not only didn’t scold me, but also praised me.

Until one time, he saw me smashing a gunpla that he had collected for many years with a brick at the door, and I said with an aggrieved look: Why can't I take it apart? . .

After a violent beating, a future inventor died like this. . .

Digital (6 articles)

1. Price increase

At a meeting, the host suddenly said: Please sit down below for those who support mobile phone price increases. On the left, those who oppose mobile phone price increases sit on the right.

Everyone sat on the left side, no one sat on the right side, except for one person who sat still in the middle.

Moderator: Sir, do you support or oppose the price increase of mobile phones?

The man replied: "I am the one who is increasing the price, but I am opposed to the price increase."

The host hurriedly said: Mr. Lei, disrespectful. Come to the podium quickly!

2. WeChat

A buddy uses a copycat phone and is very envious of using Apple.

It happened that a certain operator store was holding an event: top up 699 phone credits and get a Motorola, top up 799 and get a Samsung, top up 199 and get a free Apple.

Then the guy recharged 199 and came back with two pounds of apples...

Brothers, don’t be cheap.

3. Honesty

Xiao Ming accidentally dropped Love Crazy 4 into the river.

The river god took pity on him, so he took out a Crazy Love 5 from the river and asked if it belonged to him. Xiao Ming shook his head.

Taking out another Crazy Love 4S and asking him, Xiao Ming still shook his head.

Finally took out Love Crazy 4, Xiao Ming nodded and said: "This is mine."

River God Dayue: "Honest child, these three love you crazy Take them all, they can’t be used anyway.”

4. Bundling

One day, Bill Gates came to a place called “IT Restaurant” for dinner.

I found a bug while drinking soup, so I asked the waiter what was going on?

The waiter said: "Oh, ours is called 'bundled soup'. If you don't like it, you don't have to use this bug."

5. Cat diseases

< p>User: Why can’t I always get online?

Customer service asked about the situation: it may be a problem with your cat.

User: OK, wait a moment. . . Well, my cat has asked me to stay outside!

Customer service:! ! ! ! !

6. Crisis

The husband used his hard-earned pocket money to give his wife a camera as a surprise.

When my wife saw it, she was not happy and was surprised, and shouted: "Husband, why did you give me such a small camera?"

The husband said humorously: "This can save you." It looks so small and exquisite."

My wife pouted and said, "Go ahead, give me a bigger one. That way I can make you look taller and taller. A sense of security."

The husband sighed: "You feel a sense of security, but I will feel a sense of financial crisis."

Girls' Chapter

Emotions. (6 items)

1. Leftovers

Girlfriend: “Look at other people’s boyfriends!! They all eat leftovers from their girlfriends!”

Boyfriend: "You've got some leftover for me!"

2. Secret love

No one has ever confessed to me, which means one thing: I have always been secretly in love.

3. Brain

I am a girl and I share a house with my senior sister.

Today, while struggling to unscrew the lid of the yogurt, she sighed: Every time I couldn’t unscrew the lid, I felt like I was missing a man~~

I took it from her silently With the yogurt in his hand, he pulled off the sealing strip under the lid of the yogurt, gently unscrewed it and handed it to her.

This guy was so surprised that he said to himself: It turns out that what I lack is brain~~

4. So tired

The older leftover girl from the company finally dated. A boyfriend.

One time we chatted: "Sister Wang, you are in love, your marriage is settled, don't worry now!"

Sister Wang: 'No way! There are many things to worry about. I was afraid that he would see me without makeup last night. I didn't sleep until he went to bed. I got up at 5 a.m., put on makeup, and then pretended to continue sleeping. Alas... this only made me worry more.

I... was speechless~

5. Worry

The first sister is over thirty, and her conditions are good in all aspects, but... My parents were extremely anxious because I couldn't get married. .

Finally, a while ago, with the help of their parents, the sisters found a rich and handsome man to marry.

On the day of the wedding, several of us bridesmaids were responsible for blocking the door and making every attempt to prevent the door from opening. The best man joked, "If you don't open the door, we will leave!"

The result was one Hearing this, my sisters and my mother rushed up, pushed us aside, opened the door, and said to the stunned people outside: "Don't go, don't go! Come in! Come in!"

~~Auntie, how worried are you that my sisters won’t be able to get married?

6. I am a girl. My sister is almost 35 and no one cares about me. Today, Aunt Liu downstairs suddenly wanted to introduce a partner to my sister...

After talking for a long time, my father didn’t know. With a sullen face and a look of reluctance, I asked Aunt Liu to go back first and said that we would give her a reply after thinking about it~

After Aunt Liu left, my mother was about to get angry, but my father immediately turned to me He said: Quickly, go buy two notes of incense and put it on your grandfather’s grave. The ancestors’ eyes will be opened. Someone finally wants your sister...

Selfies (6)

1 , Not Blind

Another girl posted a selfie saying she was fat again, but the comment she received was: Not fat at all! What a great figure! This girl posted a selfie saying she had gained weight again, and the comments she received were: We are not blind.

2. Group photo

My sister, I came home from get off work at Lebaobao today, and then I took a selfie by myself. Suddenly I realized that I had not taken a photo alone with my dad, so I said, "Dad , I’ve never taken a photo with you, so let’s take one.”

“Goodbye, I’m so old, what’s there to take a photo with?”

While talking. I walked into the room, and after a while, my father came out again, with his hair styled very brightly and his clothes changed.

This...should I call him again?

3. Civility

One time when I was taking a bus from work, my nose suddenly felt a little itchy, but I am a civilized person. Picking my nose is too unsightly, so I endured it and passed by. After one stop, I couldn't help but started picking it with my hands.

I also took out my mobile phone to block it, but the aunt next to me saw her and said loudly: "Oh, little girl, you are picking your nose in the car and taking a selfie."

4. Infusion

A few days ago, I was in the hospital for infusion. When the infusion was almost finished, the nurse came to me and reminded me thoughtfully: Did you take a selfie? If you don’t take the photo, hurry up and take it. After the photo is taken, I’m going to pull out the needle.

In an instant, it felt like nothing could stop human beings from showing off.

5. Girls today are too tired.

On average, it takes three and a half hours to post a photo, invite a friend out, and spend an hour putting on makeup and changing clothes at home.

Go to the destination to eat and chat for an hour and a half, and take selfies for an hour.

That’s it, why do girls like to give likes to girls?

Because we all live hard, we cherish each other.

6. Artifact

There is a pretentious girl in the group who is disliked by everyone.

One day I asked: "Guys, do you think I should buy a selfie device, or do you have any other selfies that are good?"

The group was silent. After a while, a male voice finally couldn't hold it in anymore and gave a pertinent opinion: "Brick."

Clothing (6 items)

1. High point

< p>Wife: How about I wear this dress to work today?

Husband: Yesterday I saw a lady dressed exactly like you!

Wife: Which of us wears it better?

Husband: If you were taller, would I think it was you?

Wife: Can’t you put it another way?

2. Appearing fat

Once I was going to attend a classmate’s wedding and I was struggling with what to wear before departure. I asked: “Husband, can I wear this sportswear?”

My husband said: "Okay!"

I said: "But my friend said I look fat in this outfit."

My husband glanced at me and said : "That's because they didn't see you wearing other clothes."

3. Come down

When I came to Beijing for the first time, I rented a small room and lived on the first floor. I bought clothes on Taobao, and after paying, I contacted the seller: "I have paid, please ship the goods."

Unexpectedly, the other party directly said: "I saw your address, go upstairs and get it yourself!" I'll be right upstairs."

Take your sister. I paid for the postage and sent it down.

4. Suggestions

A mother’s position in her daughter’s mind is irreplaceable, and my daughter respects me very much.

Every time before she goes out, she dresses up and asks me for my opinion: "Mom, what do you think of me wearing this outfit?"

I said: "Well, not bad. "She immediately changed her clothes.

When I said I couldn’t go out dressed like this, she ran away.

5. Grief

My mother beat my naughty little brother and went out. As soon as my mother left, the little brother thought about it more and more and felt aggrieved. He took all my mother's clothes from the closet. Go out, throw it at the door, and stamp on it.

After a few minutes, there seemed to be the sound of my mother's footsteps. With lightning speed, I patted my mother's

clothes clean and put them in the closet, pretending to be very calm.

6. What do you know?

I live with my best friend, and I go back to my hometown for a few days at a time. The day before leaving, I didn’t pack my clothes or anything else.

But I tried hard to pack some snacks and other things. I asked my best friend: "Why don't you pack the clothes?"

The answer was: "My mother said, before the soldiers and horses are moved, the food and grass go first." , what do you know?”

Loss of weight (6 items)

1. Too fat

A fat man went to the clinic. Doctor: Hello, where are you? uncomfortable? What are the symptoms?

Fat Man: Doctor, there is nothing wrong with my body, I just feel that I am too fat. Is there any way to lose weight?

Doctor: To lose weight, just eat a steamed bun.

Fat man: Thank you doctor! Is that to be eaten before a meal or after a meal?

Doctor:…………

2. Change of profession

My sister is a fat boy. One day, she and I were watching TV in the living room. Suddenly a mosquito flew over and bit her desperately. She slapped her to death and stared at the mosquito again. I asked curiously: "What are you doing?" He spat out a sentence faintly: "If mosquitoes stop sucking blood from now on and switch to sucking fat, then mosquitoes will be such cute little creatures..."

3. Eat rice

My best friend has been coming to my house for dinner in the past few days, and she always eats very little.

So I asked: Why don’t you eat more?

Best friend: Every time I lose weight and can’t control my mouth, I want to come to your house for dinner! After all, no one cooks like you, and after taking the first bite, you won’t want to take the second bite!

4. Decision

I made up my mind to start losing weight today and said to my husband: "I will only eat bananas and pineapples for dinner starting tomorrow!!"

The result is that my husband He replied calmly: "Elephants also grew up eating these."

I think...

5. Truth

I recently saw a sentence saying : "Being fat is a matter of time, but being ugly is a matter of a lifetime."

After thinking about it, I was very happy. So what if I succeeded in losing weight? Eat decisively!

I felt something was wrong afterwards.

6. Help

A woman invited a Taoist priest and said: "Master, it's been really strange recently. First, when I went upstairs, the wooden stairs suddenly broke. As soon as I sat on the chair, the damn chair broke. The most terrifying thing was that when I went to bed at night, the bed collapsed. Please help me, Master!" After hearing this, the Taoist priest took out his mahogany sword and surrounded me. He turned the woman around three times, then suddenly pointed his sword at the woman and shouted: "Female donor, you really need to lose weight, drink water to lose weight!"

Pets (6)

1. Strange

I remember one day, a husky brought back a muddy hamster from a neighbor's garden. I recognized it at first sight. It was the neighbor's pet hamster "Tangtang" , has been tortured to death by dogs.

I was so anxious that I immediately cleaned the hamster and secretly threw it back into the neighbor's yard.

Early the next morning, I heard my neighbor getting angry and shouting: Oh my God, who dug out my buried hamster and washed it...

2. Habits

A few years ago, I was planning to raise a dog, so I asked my brother how to raise a dog, because his Huahua was so cute, fun and obedient.

He told me a lot. It’s all based on reading a certain degree, asking pet shops, talking to friends who own dogs, and generally summarizing.

He helped me a lot later. At the end of the day.

He said very carefully: You must pay attention.

Dogs are bound to eat poop. No matter what kind of dog they are, you must watch them when you go out for a walk.

3. Haircut

My friend went to a pet shop to cut the dog's hair and asked the boss how much it cost. The boss said 100 yuan.

My friend was shocked: "Damn it, it only cost me 20 to get a haircut. Isn't this too expensive for you!?"

The boss said: "How dare it eat shit?" ”

My friend refused: “What if I dare?”

The boss said: “Then I’ll charge you 100!”

4 , Cousin

I read an article not long ago, which mainly talks about various impractical small household appliances, and the top one is the sweeping robot.

There are usually comments after the article, and one of them said this: The dog at home rake, and then the sweeping robot wiped it evenly...

I burst out laughing. ......

5. Die

After being beaten up, the snake felt unwilling.

One day, when it saw a cat, it bit the cat hard and said, "Don't think you are pretending to be cute because I won't recognize you!"

The cat felt innocent after being bitten. When he was about to take out his anger on someone, he found an earthworm twisting around on the side of the road as soon as he went out. It kicked the earthworm hard and said, "Father's debt will be paid, and I will die." Let's go!"

6. Cat Walk

A cat wants to go out to play, but its owner doesn't allow it. It depends on who wins in the guessing game. Why does the owner win in the end? Because cats can only produce cloth~

Food (6 items)

1. Make food

I went to the cafeteria to eat at noon today, and a girl said loudly: "I I'm not a vegetarian."

The rice cook raised her head in horror: "What do you mean? You have to be mean?"

The girl said slowly: "Give me the meat you shook off. I’ll call you up.”

2. Walk slowly

Why is it that every time I go to a buffet with my sisters, when we leave, the receptionist always says to us: You walk slowly! But what you say to other guests is that you are welcome to visit next time?

3. Invincible

There are two things in this life that others cannot take away. One is the food eaten in the stomach, and the other is the dream hidden in the heart.

So be a foodie with dreams and you will be invincible.

4. Eating paper

A few years ago, I went on a cycling trip with some traveling friends. At night, I set up camp and finished eating.

The female team leader took out two bags and said there were compressed foods in them for us to eat. Another travel friend and I took them out and ate them while complaining: "What kind of compressed foods are these! Are they expired? How can they be the same as chewing toilet paper?" Like!"?

The female team leader looked at us and said, "You two are eating only paper, and the food is in another bag!"

5. Hotpot

p>

Eating boiled vegetables alone will make you lose weight very slowly. You can combine it with mushrooms and meat. Dietary fiber and protein together will produce a thermic effect, and you will lose weight faster.

I thought about it carefully, isn’t this just hot pot?

6. Dissatisfaction

I remember when I was in college, I met an Indian friend.

We often have dinner together, and that time, she and I talked about national culture.

I said: Can you use our country’s chopsticks? She said: You can't use chopsticks. The most correct way to eat is to grab it with your hands. And you are not restricted by food. You can grab anything with your hands.

When I heard this, I expressed dissatisfaction and immediately took her to have a hot pot meal.

Okay, I finally finished it. It took me 2 hours. Please give it a like and support it. If you don’t like it...then I have no choice but to do it next time. Continue to organize. I wish you all smile every day.