A joke to relax girls.

1. A couple celebrated their golden wedding. After a few drinks, the husband said to his wife, "I'm sorry, I'm not honest with you." I haven't told you in years. In fact, I am color blind! " "The wife said excitedly," I feel sorry for you, too. I have been hiding it from you for so many years, but I am black! "

I went to take a bath yesterday. When taking a bath, I said to the master who took a bath, "Master, I'm a little dirty. I haven't taken a shower for some time recently. " The master said righteously, "This is nothing. I have bathed for so many years and have never seen many people buried. " After rubbing for a while, the master said with internal injuries, "Young man, you have gone too far!" " "

I went back to my hometown recently. Because I was in a hurry when I left, the dishes and chopsticks were soaked in the pool and not washed. A week later, I came home, and the tableware of a week ago was still lying peacefully in the pool. It was summer, and the messy things were soaked for a week, and they didn't stink at all. The programmer's husband, who was playing games, slowly looked up and said proudly, "That's right! I change water every day! " "Why don't you wash the dishes when you have time?" I said with a black face. He bowed his head and thought for a moment and said, "Well, that's also a way."

4. When I was at school, I hid in bed and skipped classes ... I just woke up and sent a message to my classmates asking the teacher to call the roll ... Later, I stuck my head out through the quilt and said, "Are you sure you are asking me?" Those who laugh and shout that their liver hurts even say that these quotations are not powerful!

5. Come home from work at noon and ask me what I did. Sister said first: "Fried meat with beans." I looked at a plate full of beans and asked, "Where's the meat?" Sister said: "Among the beans, you can choose the one with wormholes and long eyes."

6, get up early for work, Lu Yu a buddy in a hurry in the past. Greet him: "What are you doing?" Answer: "Walk the dog." In a few minutes, this buddy hurried back from the side. Ask him, "What's the matter?" The buddy said calmly, "I forgot my dog."

7. Everyone in the dormitory has given up smoking. Only Lao Wang has been smoking. Everyone decided to let Lao Wang give up smoking. One night, several colleagues complained in tears, listed all the dangers of smoking, and screamed at the top of their lungs when it came to emotion. Soon ... the pale Pharaoh took out his cigarette case trembling and said in horror, "God, you scared me to death. Smoke a cigarette to suppress the shock! " "

8. A: "I bought a lottery ticket. How's it going? Did you win? " B: "We don't have to squeeze buses this month." A: "Bingo?" B: "What a fart! I have spent all my money on lottery tickets, so I have to walk to work this month. " A: "..."

9. The woodcutter suddenly became rich. A man went to ask about his experience. The woodcutter said: I passed a lake that day and my axe fell off. The goddess in the lake came up and asked me if it was a silver axe or a gold axe. I said it was an iron axe, the goddess said I was honest, and all the gold and silver axes were given to me. The man listened with envy. He also took an axe and threw it into the lake. At that time, the goddess' body floated up with an iron axe on her head. ...

10, an old lady with heart disease and asthma participated in a "free medicine delivery" activity. A few days later, the host asked everyone to talk about the effect, saying that whoever said the experience would have a grand prize. The old lady raised her hand to speak for the grand prize: "Your products are really effective! Since taking your medicine, my heart has stopped beating and my breathing has stopped. "

1 1, Xiaoming naughtily pushed the mobile public toilet in the village into the river! I felt wrong afterwards, thinking that apologizing to my father should be forgiven! Unexpectedly, his father gave him a good beating. Xiao Ming said very grievance: "Washington cut down the apple tree planted by his father. He apologized to his father and his father forgave him!" " ! But why don't you forgive me? Dad said angrily, "when Washington cut down trees, his father wasn't on it!" " "

12, a: "My dog is very clever. He sends me the newspaper of the day every morning." B: "What's the matter? Many people's dogs will do this. " Answer: "But my family didn't order a newspaper!"

13. The fruit merchant sold a watermelon to a lady and assured her that it would be ripe and sweet. When she rode home, the car skidded and the watermelon fell into the street and cracked. The lady was surprised to find that the watermelon was pale pink and not ripe at all. So she returned to the stall owner with watermelon in her arms, complaining loudly and demanding a refund. The peddler replied, "People will be pale with fear when they fall off the car, let alone a watermelon!" "

14, once on the bus, a beautiful woman got on the bus, took out a bus card and swiped it, only to hear the reader reply: Didi ... senior citizen card ...! The whole car froze and looked at her together. Her face was covered with black lines and she said, "Tianshan Mountain is old. What are you looking at?" An uncle got up and said, "Come, aunt, sit here ..."

15, a boy stood downstairs in the girls' dormitory and shouted, "Hanako, Hanako ..." The aunt in charge of the dormitory asked, "Who are you calling?" The boy replied, "beggar, room 308." Then, the aunt shouted: "The beggar in Room 308, someone is looking for it!" "

Customer: I want to apply for the job as a waiter in your store? Manager: We have no shortage of waiters here. Customer: Then show me one. I've been sitting here for almost an hour and I haven't seen a waiter yet.

17, Liu Bei: Liu Bei meets Mr. Wolong next time. Zhuge Liang quickly got out of bed and was surprised: Who leaked my screen name?

At noon, my wife said to me, "My son is not at home. Let's eat braised beef. " I said, "All right." After a while, my wife came out of the kitchen with two bowls of noodles: "The instant noodles are ready, and they taste like braised beef."

19, a person is timid+pedantic. One day, when I saw a robber trying to enter the house, I wrote a note outside the door, "Please don't enter", and the robber kicked the door open. He quickly hid in the bedroom, wrote "This road is closed" on the door, and the robber kicked the door open again. He hid in the toilet again and the robbers knocked on the door several times. Hearing a few coughs inside, he said, "There is someone inside."

20. manager: "Mr. Pol.ice, the cashier of our company has escaped!" " Policeman: "Did you check the safe?" "Manager:" It has been thoroughly checked. He's not in there.

2 1, one day in class, the deskmate secretly played with his mobile phone, which happened to be discovered by the class teacher who was patrolling outside the classroom. The head teacher took out his mobile phone and sent a message: Why don't you listen carefully? The deskmate replied doubtfully: Who are you? The class teacher sent another message: Look out of the window. My deskmate glanced out of the window and replied, thank you for reminding me. Talk to you later. Our head teacher is staring out the window!

22. When my classmate got married, there was also a funny scene: when the master of ceremonies said, let's invite the groom in tonight. As a result, as soon as the door opened, I saw a gorgeous waiter standing at the door, chasing after him and hitting his innocent face.

23. I bought fruit at the fruit stand today and chatted with my colleagues about today's news. The aunt selling fruit asked, Who is Jobs? Colleague said: selling apples. Aunt said sadly, alas, the fruit business is not good!

24. There is a sign on the lawn of the park, which reads: "No trampling on the lawn, and offenders will be fined one yuan." A frequent visitor in the park found that the fine written on the sign was less than before and asked the service staff in the park, "Why is the fine reduced?" Didn't you need to pay a fine of five yuan before? "Waiter:" Nobody stepped on five pieces. "

25, a few days after school, oral ulcer. I put up with it for a few days at first, but then I couldn't eat any more. When I visited the Erqi Road Forum, I saw a post saying that oral ulcer was terrible, so I asked my father to take me to the hospital for emergency treatment at night. Finally, when I opened my mouth, the doctor shouted, "Don't look, the oral ulcer is late!" " "My dad is weak when he hears Late Edition. Then the doctor said slowly, "It's almost done. Don't waste money. "