What should I do if my husband and wife quarrel more and more and lose their feelings?

What should I do if my husband and wife quarrel and lose their feelings?

1 What is the purpose of the quarrel?

When a husband and wife quarrel, the more they quarrel, the more they lose their feelings and the more they want to divorce. What should I do?

Many people fall into a misunderstanding about quarreling, and forget what we are fighting for. To solve the problem? Or to win or lose?

The reality is that many couples just want to win or lose in the quarrel, without thinking about solving the problem. On the contrary, the contradiction becomes more and more serious.

Actually, the quarrel is not so terrible, and if we quarrel correctly, it may bring some uncertain effects.

We can try to cultivate the ability to express our feelings, eliminate those unspoken hostility, and let our feelings grow by understanding each other, which may reduce the harm caused by quarrels.

Then let me ask you, do you think it's better for a husband and wife who respect each other as guests or a husband and wife who often quarrel?

I believe that many people choose couples who are respectful to each other. Let me tell you something. I received a two-minute private letter (with my consent, as a teaching case). After you read it, your thoughts may change.

2 The problem was not solved in time

Xiaoqing's parents always quarreled about something, and her father beat her mother, which led her mother to choose a divorce directly.

It is precisely because Xiaoqing, who grew up in such an environment, has always hated quarreling that she thinks quarreling is the root cause of the breakdown of intimate relationship.

When she grew up, she married her satisfied husband. At first, her feelings were very good, and people around her envied their feelings. However, many problems need to be communicated in husband and wife life.

But when the two sides disagree, Xiaoqing feels dangerous and doesn't want to have a quarrel, so she chooses to avoid the problem.

Because many problems have not been solved in time, many emotions of her husband have accumulated in her heart, and finally broke out in one day, and she directly proposed to Xiaoqing that she didn't do anything wrong. In order to avoid a quarrel, she has made great concessions, but her husband did this to her, not at all.

However, it's not that Xiaoqing doesn't love her husband, but that every time she quarrels, she reminds her of her parents and unconsciously wants to escape. Finally, the most fundamental contradiction is not solved, and they embark on the road of divorce.

The fundamental contradiction behind p>3

Quarrel is really not a bad thing, which requires us to look at this matter correctly. You should not only look at the specific triggering events, but also look at the fundamental contradiction behind this matter, which may be an unsatisfied wish, an unsolved problem and a certain thinking mode that needs to be broken.

1) The first type is shirking responsibility.

one party is dissatisfied with the other party's behavior, thus complaining and venting his emotions, while the other party thinks that the other party does not understand himself, thus shirking responsibility and causing a quarrel.

For example, Xiaoli wants her husband to accompany her home to see her parents, and as a result, he has to deal with the company's affairs. However, Xiaoli thinks that her husband doesn't love herself, and work is more important than her, so she keeps complaining. However, her husband will think that Xiaoli doesn't understand him and shirk her responsibility, which leads to a quarrel.

2) The second type, family chores.

When couples face these things, they just want to win or lose, not solve the problem.

For example, the allocation of housework, who will pick up the children, how much I have paid for my family and so on.

4 Unwilling to face the problem

3) The third type is financial disputes.

money has different views, which may imply problems such as self-worth, values and sense of security of both parties. When the other party doesn't approve of one of your consumption, you will be angry and feel that you are not understood and recognized.

4) The fourth type, you have something to say.

Cold violence is often manifested. One party has something to say and thinks that the other party should understand him.

If one party escapes and the problem is not solved, then the emotions of the other party will accumulate in the heart, which will easily lead to emotional crisis

5) The fifth type, insatiability.

The most common thing is that in sex, one party is dissatisfied with sex life and begins to complain. If the other party is angry, it will feel frustrated and unwilling to face this problem, which will never be solved.

The best way is to face the fundamental problems in sexual life, so that you can effectively avoid contradictions and prevent the self-confidence of both sides from being frustrated.

5 If you really love me

6) The sixth type, "If you really love me".

This is a common saying in many quarrels. For example, if you really love me, you won't stop giving me some takeout, and if you really love me, you won't stop giving me roses. Do you think the other person can read minds? If you don't say it, you will know it in advance.

7) the seventh type, "I can't stand you".

You can stand all kinds of behaviors before marriage. After marriage, you are still the same person, but your attitude towards him has changed, and you find that the other person is not good at anything, and you keep complaining, which leads to quarrels.

8) The eighth type, "What do you love more than you love me".

When the husband is addicted to games, the wife will say, I think you are more serious about games than I am, but the husband still doesn't know what you need, which will only cause the other person's anger.

9) The ninth type, "family of origin contradiction".

The conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law or the conflict between two families will bring a lot of harm. What we need to do is to adjust both sides.

6 Find out each other's feelings and thoughts

Under normal circumstances, couples with different views will gradually merge their attitudes and opinions based on the interaction over the years.

If there is no integration, it means that two people are extremely lacking in communication that can make them understand each other, let alone understand each other.

If you want to find out each other's true feelings and thoughts, you can tell each other first-

I'm very sad and uncomfortable now. Can we let this matter go first? I need you to calm me down.

You can ask each other for a hug, or two people can sit together for a while and use body movements instead of words to convey attachment. The purpose of this step is to protect your soft heart and stop it from being subjected to high density.

7 Good communication mode

When you feel gradually calm down, you can ask the other person your thoughts in a discussion way. I didn't quite understand them just now. I really want to know your original intention and why you think so. Can you help me understand you?

If you start communication in this way, your husband will not argue with you, because he no longer needs to defend himself.

He is not interacting with you in a self-defensive way, but from the perspective of helping you understand him.

Of course, after your husband finished speaking, you probably still don't understand, or think he is "wrong". It doesn't matter. Don't argue with him, but say,

I heard what you said, and I may need time to digest it. Now can you listen to my thoughts?

8 Guide each other to solve problems

You can tell your husband your feelings and needs, and then ask him if there is any way to take care of each other's ideas at the same time and give him this difficult problem.

A man's thinking mode is problem-solving. You guide him to solve the problem himself, instead of trying to solve him as a "problem". You will find that your husband's eyes have shifted to introspection, thinking and dealing with the contradiction itself, instead of fighting with you. < P > If you can keep communicating with your husband in this way, you will gradually get used to observing life from each other's perspective.

As we get to know each other better and understand each other better, the three views will gradually be reconciled.