My husband's sister always asks us for money and things (jade). What should we do?

Only do multiple-choice questions today

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Some time ago, some parents left a message backstage, saying that their daughter had done something wrong. She took several children to ask a college student's eldest brother for money in the supermarket, and then used the money to buy food. The parent's first reaction was that I would punish the child. She can't take ill-gotten gains, let alone enjoy success.

If you had three choices, what would you do?

A, the child has done something wrong. She is enjoying success and should be punished.

B, ambiguous

C. praising the child for doing the right thing shows that the child has strong social skills.

Choose a, that is, type a parents. What kind of parents are they?

Most parents will choose A. Because most parents belong to rational parents and moral parents. All adults are labeled by society. According to the depth of entering the society, I have formed a set of life judgment norms that belong to me. We use this norm to guide our children.

This norm is sometimes an incentive for victory. For example, parents often say, what's the point of living without victory and excellent life? Therefore, if you want to be a man, I will try my best to let you win at the starting line.

This norm is sometimes divided into moral directions. For example, some parents say that you can't live without conscience. I raised you today, and you will honor me tomorrow!

Sometimes, completeness is a feeling of self-esteem. For example, children make strange noises in public places, and some parents will say, "Don't make a fool of yourself, because everyone is laughing at you." This is actually how our parents feel about society, and we subconsciously use this feeling when educating our children.

As an individual, anyone, no matter where you are or what kind of life style you have, your judgment on life may be one-sided. Therefore, when we educate our children directly with our feelings about society and judgments about life, we first give them a prejudice and a one-sided life guidance.

Moreover, when we impose this kind of life judgment on children, we also deprive children of their intuition about society and interpersonal relationships. The more extreme our judgment is, the stronger our indoctrination will be, and the easier it will be for our children to lose self-confidence, self-confidence and sense of security.

Some people definitely disagree. Isn't that what education is all about? Who doesn't educate children about their own right and wrong?

No, education is not like this.

Judging from the previous cases, the mother thinks that her daughter is wrong, which is a moral judgment. She thinks that children are taking ill-gotten gains and enjoying success. So let the child bear the punishment and let her remember this experience.

At first glance, it does make sense. Come to think of it, it makes sense. But think about it later: Have you ever told your children not to take ill-gotten gains? Have you ever told your children what ill-gotten gains are? What do you mean, sit back and enjoy the success?

In addition, the most important point is, before punishing, can you ask the child why she did it?

Many children's literature works have such a story: a child does something that is as complete as a prank in the eyes of parents, but the ending of the story is often that parents find the child's starting point is actually wonderful. For example, I told a story in the column below the official WeChat account today. The child clamored for a big Christmas stocking from his mother. The mother asked why, and the child said, I want to give myself to you as a Christmas present.

Shuntaro Tanikawa's picture book Cave depicts a seemingly boring story: Hao Zhi is digging and digging with a shovel in the yard. He has no other purpose than digging a hole. Ordinary parents will be angry when they see their children like this. This is sabotage. But his mother and father didn't experience him, didn't judge him, just communicated with him.

Some time ago, I also saw a post that parents went home after working overtime and the children bought it face to face. They don't know how to cook noodles, so they use the water heater in the bathroom to make noodles. Many parents find it funny at first, then they are sad and lament, then they love their children, and finally they begin to experience it. But think about it, isn't this very creative for children who don't have any independent life experience? Why judge children first?

Typical example:

In the park, a 3-year-old boy climbed a high fence and a mother ran angrily. After the baby didn't want to stand on the ground in public, the mother complained that the child was not sensible and didn't pay attention to safety, which made her very worried.

Choose type b and type b parents. What kind of parents are they?

Few parents will choose B. Parents who are indifferent to their children are often indifferent to their children because their life is not understood and their personality is not perfect. Children who grow up in indifferent fatherly love and maternal love often have cold hearts. When he enters the society, he can learn to adjust himself, or meet the right person, and life will be smooth sailing; Once you meet someone, the risk is great.

Typical example:

Mother sat on the bus with a four-year-old boy in her arms. Mom kept looking down at her cell phone, and the boy looked around. The bus stopped at a station for a long time. When all the passengers got on, the driver was ready to start the car. Mother suddenly woke up and shouted, "driver, I want to get off." Then a man jumped up and ran to the door, suddenly remembering something, turned to the boy and shouted, "Why don't you get off?" Don't you know when to get off? "

Choose C and C parents. What kind of parents are they?

For parents who choose A, parents who choose C often seem to have no moral bottom line. But this kind of parents' attitude towards their children is much more positive than that of A's parents. They are affirming the child's practice, and they are affirming the child's attempt to go to society and enter the crowd.

Don't worry about choosing a mother. I don't mean to praise children and maintain their self-confidence. Like parents who choose A, parents who choose C have the same disadvantages. If he doesn't realize the problems recognized by the parents who choose A, it is likely that the child will form bad habits and even bad qualities.

It is true that social skills have become an important skill of contemporary people. The more refined a person lives, the higher the social status requires of his social skills. If parents judge children according to their social experience and life feelings, it is also a one-sided judgment, and they can't give them correct guidance without knowing their inner feelings.

Moreover, the most important thing is that you just affirmed the child without telling him the bad result of this matter. What should you do if your child meets a risky stranger? Therefore, it is simple to simply praise children.

Typical example:

In the kindergarten, the child was pushed down by a child. After he got up, he turned and pushed his child. The child fell on the steps and broke his lip. After the parents of the children knew it, they immediately praised the children: well played, we can't lose money. If a child hits you, you must fight back.

What kind of parents are they who chose A and C?

Many parents are smart and choose A and C. The first reaction of such parents is that the child is wrong and blames the child for improper behavior, but on second thought, they think that the child's behavior is desirable and recognized. This understanding is definitely correct, which not only affirms the positive significance of children's behavior, but also avoids children from going astray. However, the behavior mode remains to be investigated.

I think when we meet a child asking a stranger for something, we should first ask the child why he did it. Is she greedy, or does she think it's fun to communicate with strangers, or is there another reason?

It takes skill to ask questions to children. The child has his own cleverness (there is no right or wrong), and sometimes we use leading words, such as "Do you think this is funny?" In order to avoid being punished, he will follow your words, "Yes, I think it's funny." But this must be what he really thinks. He's just testing you.

In fact, you can just ask, "Why are you doing this?" If the child doesn't talk, then do a simple leading question, "Do you want to eat delicious food?" Pay attention to the questions you ask, try not to let your children see your tendency to reward and punish, and let them think that you are communicating with him, not asking questions.

Of course, these two questions are not standard questions. Children's personalities are different, so should the ways of asking questions. In addition, due to the different communication speed, there should be different ways to ask questions. For example, if children realize their own problems and admit their mistakes, they should ask as few questions as possible and give them a chance to tell them.

We often say that communicating with children is also a process of wits and wits, which is true.

In any case, asking questions to children is to give them a process of talking first. When the child explains the whole thing clearly, we can see the child's understanding of the right and wrong of this matter and the initial motivation of the child to do it. The more children talk, the more you understand his seriousness and how to continue communication. As long as this process is completed, we will tell my children about my life experience, non-norms, hobbies, and children will be happy to listen.

It is not standard to tell children. We can say, "It's easy for you to ask others for money this time. Next time you are greedy and want to play, you may avoid me and ask someone else for money. You think you have found a shortcut, but you don't know that after a long time, you will become a lazy person who just wants to enjoy it. " This is not a judgment of a child, but a guide to his life. Children will not feel uncomfortable talking like this.

The clearer your words are, the clearer your child's code of conduct will be. Never give noncommittal statements, such as "can't you be a good boy", "can't you be honest" and "can't you make progress". This statement is very vague and particularly offensive to children. It is best not to tell them.

In a word, education lies in details. We all know the concept of education, love children, accompany children and understand children, but how to love children, understand children and accompany children needs more consideration and better perfection.