Joke Collection Website - Cold jokes - Want some funny stand-up comedy! ! ! Stand-up comedy! ! ! !

Want some funny stand-up comedy! ! ! Stand-up comedy! ! ! !

Although it is a bit imitated by Xiao Shenyang, but overall it is still my own creation, haha, I hope you will adopt it:

I will be the host

Dear good friends , I’m very sorry! Our host, Mr. XX, had an accident just now, so I am very unfortunate to tell you that the next program will be hosted by me. Please support me, howl~ (gesture).

Hey, we have to organize this party a few days ago, but our XX abbot...ah, no - XX abbot is so exhausted that he is too busy to think about tea and food, and his mouth is full I had big blisters, my urine turned yellow even when I went to the toilet, and I was extremely stressed. Hasn’t the party finally started successfully? Host XX is relieved, but as soon as this breath comes out, people are hungry. No wonder, I'm so busy, I haven't eaten human food in more than a month. Why don't we just go down and buy a few steamed buns, and eat them right backstage?

Hey, in the first bite, I didn’t bite the stuffing, but in the second bite, I bit the meat, and then my hand started to bleed. It was bleeding, and it fell... There's nothing I can do. I can't host the show anymore. I have to send him to the hospital for rabies vaccination! To put it bluntly, host XX bit his hand while eating steamed buns, and now he is sent to the hospital for rabies vaccination! Therefore, I will host the next show for you!

Actually, I don’t speak very well. I talk intermittently like a sheep pooping! Please forgive me if it doesn’t suit everyone’s taste! Like me, it’s my first time to be a host, right? I have no reputation and no status, and I’m not a celebrity, right? We are not generous either! We don’t ask for applause from the audience, we have to pay attention to interaction, right? Let’s teach you a game: First, please extend your left hand, and then please extend your right hand... Next, please use the palm of your left hand to slap the palm of your right hand hard...

Thank you everyone, I never ask for applause from you! My good friends, don’t look at me because I don’t look good! In fact, I was very handsome when I was a child! To put it bluntly, he is an idol! In fact, I have wanted to be a sketch actor since I was a child, but I discovered that sketch actors are not of the idol type, they are all abstract! So, in order to act in a sketch, I tried my best to make myself look uglier. My dear friends, in order to bring some joy to everyone, it is not easy for me! Good friends, can you give me some spiritual comfort?

You don’t know, but I am actually very talented! Ever since I worked hard to become a humble person, I went to learn Northeast Errenzhuan! At that time, I learned the best! Director Zhang Da approached me before the opening ceremony of the Olympic Games.

But I’m too busy and have no schedule! My good friends, I’m not telling you, Shaman Lanqi has come to see my performance. Isn’t this the day I performed? I’ll leave it behind the scenes and come out! At a glance, oh my god! Isn’t this Laosha, isn’t this Lanqi? howl! I just said hello to him: Hello, My name is xiao she yang! He said to me: Well! I know you, you are Xiao Sheyang, right? You are very talented! Can you sing a duet for everyone in English? I said No problem! Oh my god, let’s be honest, I don’t know English at all, but we can’t be embarrassed, right? I just sing: AB, CD, EFG... Haha, standard London accent! Howl~

You don’t know! I became popular after singing this! I often go to foreign countries to sing, but my lack of English is really troublesome! Isn’t this another trip to England? I went to the street to buy some apples. I had to ask the boss how much they cost per pound, right? But I just can’t remember how to ask! I’ve been thinking about it for a long time! I said: Is it delicious? Oh my god, no! Well, it’s delicious… but it’s still not right! It’s good to eat... Oh my god, why are you so timid? I just can’t remember how much I should say! We have no choice but to run away! So, I just said "sayonara" and left! If you ask me why I didn’t speak Chinese or Japanese before I left, my dear friends, I am actually very patriotic! We can’t lose the face of the Chinese people even if we are embarrassed, right?

It’s okay! It was my first time in England and no one knew me! I'm walking down the street! A little old girl walked towards me. She looked so energetic! She walked up to me, stretched her legs and knocked me down without saying a word! After it was over, he was still kicking me, and while kicking me, he said: You dead man, you are so ugly, why are you shopping? Aren't you scary? My friends, you don’t know, she is wearing high heels! The heels are so high (gesture) and so thin! It really hurt me, there were little holes all over my body!

I can’t stay on this street any longer! I found a suburb where no one seemed to be. By the way, I just got there. Looking from a distance, I saw a nun and a priest playing golf. The nun hits first, snap! Enter, the priest hits, bang! Didn't make it in... The priest said casually: TMD, it's wrong! The nun spoke quickly, she said: Father, you are not allowed to say bad words... Oh, Lord, I'm sorry, I was wrong! The priest immediately said, come on, let's continue, so the nun hit again, bang, it came in again, the priest hit again, bang! When he didn't go in again, the priest said casually: Damn, it's wrong! The nun immediately corrected her and said, Father, if you say bad words again, you will be punished by God... No, as soon as she finished speaking, she saw dark clouds in the sky and heard a "click" of thunder. The nun fell down in response. This is The priest looked up to the sky and screamed: Oh my God, my almighty Lord, why do you punish the nuns when it was obviously me who said the dirty words... At this time, a dull and old voice in the sky said: TMD, it's wrong...< /p>

I went back to China the next day. I was so scared in my heart. You said China’s God is okay, but what if the foreign God accidentally hit me on the head? It’s not easy to get into that, but good friends, I’m not telling you, although I don’t go abroad much now, my development potential in China is the biggest, such as rapping and singing, then I I’m not bragging to you, my development potential is huge. Let me tell you something that no one knows. In fact, my singing is pretty good... How can I say it’s bad? Good friends, you don’t believe it. Yeah, I’m telling you. Well, not only can I sing, I can also imitate. How about imitating a woman’s voice for my good friends!

Okay, good friends, your laughter is the greatest motivation for me, and your applause is the greatest encouragement for me. Good friends, please give me some encouragement... Okay, thank you, good friends. , generally I never ask for applause from others.

Is the music ready? Are you ready...music...

………………

(While singing, XX woman came out from the backstage, holding a microphone in her hand and singing )

Little Sheyang: No, I asked you why you came out! Didn't we agree that if you sing from behind, I'll give you 50 yuan when the time comes?

XX Girl: I mean, brother, when I look at you, I feel like the ocean, howl...

Little Sheyang: Good friends, when you grow up, I am This is the first time someone has praised me. It compares me to the sea! (Turns to XX girl) I said, sister, are you attracted to me? Are you in love with me?

XX female: No, brother, don’t get me wrong, I am seasick. When I see the sea, I want to vomit...

Little Sheyang: I said Sister, you don’t speak in such a offensive way. What on earth are you doing here today?

XX Female: I’m telling you, brother, you are on stage as a temporary host. If you only stay there for ten minutes, how will we organize the following program!

Little Sheyang: What, there is a program below!

XX female: It’s not such a fall

Little Sheyang: Then what is the show below!

XX Female: The following is one of my songs!

Little Sheyang: Oh, yes! You tell me, why did I forget about this? Okay, now I would like to ask XX to bring you a song "XX", please give me a round of applause...

…………………… ...

Little Sheyang: Good friends, is she a good singer... Do you want to do another one... Next time... Okay, we have a treat next (dog barking)... We have an invitation (dog barking)... Good friends, host XX is back, I have to get out of the way first, don't say I've been here...