Prose of chasing games

Beijing has entered autumn, and it is a good scene. We should burn incense, drink tea and bask in the sun. However, none of them. I chose a good day to move and packed my life for two years. In the corner, it is scattered at the touch, and the tower-shaped incense ashes escape the bitter aroma of Chinese herbal medicines. The purple sand incense burner was the last thing I found. Wrapped in two layers of old newspapers and wrapped with tape. That's how I brought it to Beijing from Yiwu. Tibetan incense was brought back from Linzhi by a friend. I find that people's ability to accumulate is extremely terrible. Ten to twenty years is not a long time. As long as they can't let go, they can become antiques. In fact, I am a very willing person. I just leave things I no longer love to my neighbors and take this opportunity to say goodbye. But my thrifty mother didn't give me any chance.

In the kitchen, my mother is holding a ball of noodles, and her face is stained with white. When she said she wanted pancakes at her new home, she meant to turn over. They are all retired people, and they still want to turn over, probably because of my consideration. In recent years, my mother's insomnia has become more and more serious. She has tried her best, afraid that I can't eat well and sleep well. She vaguely foresaw my middle age, my old age and even my dead soul. She wants me to make it perfect and become the moon in the sky forever. But she is a duckweed in the moonlight, burdened with rootless troubles-but the more independent I am, the more afraid she is of losing me. But my mother didn't understand that she was only holding the reflection in the water, which made her suffer the loss all her life. My life is always wandering, which may be an illusion, but it is by no means illusory. My anxiety and anxiety are beyond her comprehension all her life.

I can see that my mother will not live in Beijing for long. Her distant mother can't sleep at night, for fear that she can't eat well and sleep well. But she wants to weave a comfortable nest for her distant son. So, like me, she had to wander around in the crowd in Beijing. For a moment, we are all like incense ashes after burning, and we can't stand touch. We are all beginning to feel our own shortcomings. My relationship with my mother is like a math problem, about a catch-up game. I ran like hell, and she chased like hell. Sometimes, I will stop and watch her come panting.

Once, my mother insisted on squeezing the subway with me in the morning rush hour. This is not what I want to see. I have seen a lot in this small and cramped space. Almost every day, I encounter the most vicious and vulgar language in the world. Men fight with men and men fight with women. Those who hold hands, cut clothes, and even some people jump off the rails. Here, there is no room for reservation, let alone elegance. But I think that the most worthy quality of a woman may be elegance. As I expected, I got on the subway this time, but she didn't. I knew this would happen. She watched me leave on the platform. In a hurry, I felt sorry for my mother and wanted to teach her a lesson. For a while, my mother wandered in Beijing for my new house, perhaps for a tile or a nail. But in order to maintain an elegant posture, my mother would smile and say to me, it's really interesting to squeeze the subway.

I asked for leave on the day I moved, but I was temporarily recalled. Mom said, you go to work, and your father and I will watch. I hired a moving company and traveled across half of Beijing in just one morning. I don't know how those furniture were taken apart and reassembled. My mother sent me two photos, saying that everything was going well. But I don't know how to reply to her. When I finished my work, it was already midnight. I didn't eat all day, which was a punishment for myself. That kind of emptiness makes my body completely awake, as if it can accommodate thousands of things in an instant. The street lamps are connected into colorful halos, some of which are fuzzy and distorted. I'm glad I'm still alive and hungry. The coolness gushed from the depths of the earth's core, wrapping me layer by layer, and I suddenly lost my way. Tall buildings stand like a forest, and the forest is deserted. Ironically, at one o'clock in the morning, I couldn't find my home.

Encounter in the community, look close, look far, look up, look down, everything seems to be wrong. I am like a drunken tramp, and I can only associate with wandering mice. Join the army of rodents in a hurry and serenade at night. I follow the trend like a thief, but what can I steal? Just steal a morning glory from the roadside. But I don't want to be near the grass, and I don't want to get yellow mud on my feet. I haven't been stained with the fragrance of the earth for a long time. I walked through this city, and I was a suspended person. However, buildings have roots. They will grow inch by inch and stand on nameless tombstones. They pretended to be majestic and suddenly collapsed into ruins. Only the moonlight is cold.

I didn't want to call my mother, but suddenly I heard someone calling me. She said, son. There are only two words. She hasn't called my name for years. She gave me a name and then made me forget it. As cold as water. She is wearing my old coat, standing in a bunch of lights, like a bunch of lilacs. In every bud, there is a little moonlight. Her eyes are too soft, but they are enough to illuminate me. I kept up with my mother's footsteps, and she walked very slowly, so slowly that my heart panicked. I have to say that my mother and I have less and less quarrels over the years. We lived in peace, but we became the most familiar strangers. I understand the sadness in her eyes. We are all losing each other and ourselves. Mom smiled and said, you can't find a home. I replied with a smile, yes, I can't find it. But this is by no means a joke, more like an absurd love story.

That night, as soon as I entered the room, I began to frantically look for my incense burner. Without that bitter fragrance, the room would be very hungry. I can't imagine living in a hungry room for a long time. The house will definitely devour me. As expected, I lost my censer. It can't find its way home. But I'm not angry at all. Migration means all kinds of abandonment. I said, the moon outside the window is so round that I am flustered. I know, my mother was born at the full moon.

two

For many years, my mother always worried that my moon was not round enough. In 2009, I spent the Mid-Autumn Festival in Lingnan. Almost all the green plants on campus are full of bright flowers. My body seems to be blooming bit by bit, and I begin to express myself freely. However, my mother insisted on visiting me in the south. To stop her, I told her that this place was full of evil. Robbers rob gold and silver and cut off your hands and feet. A liar can speak like a lotus, and you can lose everything. Every passer-by is scheming, as if he were going to eat people with his mouth open. But this disobedient woman came anyway, and it was dusty. She whirled around the blooming flowers and miraculously appeared in front of me. I scared her by her trembling appearance. She tried to restrain herself, but her eyes fluctuated. She looks funny, but I can't smile-she is as thin as pea pods, with a silk scarf around her wrist and neck. Sweating profusely, she said insincerely, I like the wet and warm sunshine in the south.

Most insects in Lingnan are full of luster. Mom said in horror, I have never seen such a fat cockroach, and it can fly. On the Mid-Autumn Festival in 20 12, I hid in the depths of the village in the city, only three or four hundred yuan a month. But I am very rich. There is a separate kitchen, living room and bedroom. A wooden bed, a wooden table and a wooden chair. I finally have a private space, which can be exposed naturally, like a thriving corn. At this moment, life has the attributes of the earth and the wildness of animals. But my mother is a civilized animal trainer-she is already familiar with it and wants to come and spend the Mid-Autumn Festival with me. She came all the way from the north, bought an induction cooker, added bowls and chopsticks, and prepared all the seasonings, boiled shrimps, stewed fish and boiled crabs. She tried to please my stomach. However, I don't want to eat her cooking. I didn't eat a bite. She sighed in the shadow of the kitchen, and her stomach was full.

Once there are fireworks in the kitchen, cockroaches will come from all directions. After a few days, my mother finally dared to step on a cockroach and wouldn't bark again. Sometimes, we dance with cockroaches in the moonlight without lighting the lights. I can hear the rustling footsteps of cockroaches, which are light and crisp. I can imagine the cockroach's expression, which is contemptuous and ironic. My wooden bed is too hard for her to sleep, but she can't walk. Our bodies are getting more and more rigid, but our emotions are getting softer and softer. I'm afraid that if she stays too long, the house will become like a home. In this way, I fled my hometown for many years. My mother chased me for years. She persevered in explaining China's maternal love and tried her best to care for my family. But many years later, I found that "home" is just a confused concept. This is by no means a room. This is not a geographical coordinate. More like a long-term dependence.

But how long can we rely on it? Three months ago, I went to a private hospital for an interview, where many disabled elderly people lived. Disability means that the body is no longer reliable, so people become obedient In my opinion, they are taken care of like pets. When aging became a mirror of life, I suddenly met a grand funeral. Father's funeral. Mother's funeral. And my funeral. I can see the trend of life from them. I hate the musty smell in the hospital. Damp dead air seeps into mattresses, curtains, clothes, and even into a mouthful of food, which becomes similar to the existence of oil and salt. Some old people can't move, their eyes are dull, and it seems that they only have the ability to chew. They take a long time to chew and taste, and sometimes it takes half a day to finish a meal. Some of them even finished eating in the reprimand of others. They are so humble that anyone can scold them. But in the hospital, death is not an easy thing. As long as the cold medicine is slowly poured into the blood vessels, death can rest at the door. There are three rooms in the courtyard, which create different religious atmosphere through decoration. Who lives in it means receiving hospice care.

To climb to the third floor of the hospital, you have to go through a magnificent black iron gate. The door was tied by a thick chain, which clanged. I saw a gathering of Alzheimer's patients for the first time. No music, no beer, no snacks. There is no noise. Without human emotions and social attributes, everyone is like a stream. They began to wander around the hall. Such a scene makes me thrilling. They dressed neatly and didn't interfere with each other, and walked out of the vast land in a narrow space. They crossed the border of freedom and were no longer bound. If forgetting is a virtue, then they have completed the ultimate evolution. A group of black and white photos hanging on the wall are said to be the old scenery of the old Hangzhou city that has disappeared, which may awaken these wandering souls. And I always feel that these paintings are for us to see and let us know the vicissitudes that these pure old people have experienced. At this moment, my life seems to be still. Suddenly, there was a hand on my shoulder and my scalp was numb. Suddenly I looked back and saw a pair of women's empty eyes. Somehow, I suddenly thought of my more and more gentle mother. A woman who is constantly compromising and increasingly insecure.

The interview ended with the Mid-Autumn Festival. I suddenly decided to go back to my hometown to see my mother's gentle face. Without a train ticket, I simply chose a long-distance bus that took the night road. For such a journey, I can take my time and entrust my life to the unknown. I have to go back and finish chasing my mom. The bright moonlight shines on every family member's face, and all people are dead silent. I suddenly sighed. A middle-aged man looked at me, hesitated, and said gruffly, young man, stay up as little as possible if there is no emergency. He said, I'm a truck driver. I have run long distances and transported all kinds of goods all my life. I saw on the highway that the people in front were dying, and the cars behind them ran over one by one, turning people into patties. Speaking of which, the phone suddenly died. I know that when my mother can't contact me, she will fall into the abyss. The moon is high in the night sky. At this moment, I have the ability to walk in the abyss.

Waiting in place is not a rule. I am extremely sad when I think of my mother and aging. I think many years later, she will live on with her weak body, heat the pot, bake a delicious golden cake and hang it in the distant night sky. Since then, I have my own moon. Just take a bite and you won't feel hungry again. Mom said, you are busy with your work, and you don't want to go home when you are full.