Tell a few jokes or stories, golden

I don’t understand

1. I was on a date with my girlfriend. I saw someone in front of me who looked very similar to my girlfriend, so I went up and patted her butt. She turned around and slapped me. At this time, someone tapped me on the shoulder... As soon as I turned around, my girlfriend slapped me.

2. The military training station was in a military posture, and the legs were very sore. The instructor asked everyone to think of some beautiful things. After a while, the person next to me said: I’m hard!

3. I went to a friend’s house to play. It happened that the friend’s wife was breastfeeding (breast milk), but it happened that the child refused to breastfeed. So he joked to the child: Eat quickly, or your uncle will eat it. 55555, I dare not see them anymore.

4. When I was in school, the school was a bungalow. When school started in September, many new students came. One day, a new student, who seemed to be a class representative, was holding a pile of homework and asked me: "Where is the math office?" "Next to the men's room." The math office is indeed next to the men's room, but on the left. The man walked to the right side of the men's room and shouted "Report" to the door. After a pause, a voice came from inside: "No entry!"

5. One day when I was drunk, I had to hold back my urine to urinate. Open the zipper in front of the urinal, pinch your penis, and then relieve yourself very smoothly. However. . My crotch felt increasingly wet. . . He opened his eyes and looked down carefully, and found that what he had just pinched was the thumb of the other hand. . . . . Speechless. .

6. I remember when I was in college and living in two places with my boyfriend. I usually use my mobile phone to keep in touch every day. One day, I called his cell phone and it was shut down. I happened to be going to the canteen downstairs to buy something, so I gave him 20 yuan to recharge his phone bill. Unexpectedly, as soon as I returned to the dormitory, my boyfriend called me. He said: Haha, I didn’t expect that there are such XB people in the world, and they even charged up their phone bills... Three black lines immediately hung on my head...

7. Drunk I went home feeling dizzy and vomited soon after I got home. The next morning my wife said: Just eat and drink when you go out, and don’t come home to report what you ate.

8. When I was in the third year of high school, our history teacher was named Jianwen. There was Emperor Jianwen in the Ming Dynasty. One day when I was taking "Ancient History", the history teacher came into the classroom and said "class", and the students below shouted "Long live my emperor, long live the emperor" in unison (of course it was premeditated). What's more powerful is that the history teacher calmly replied: "Everyone loves me~Ping Sheng." Orz~ Wow~~ At this time, the whole class was still standing....

9. When I was in college In the first aid class, cardiopulmonary resuscitation first aid, the professor explained and demonstrated: Professor: When pressing the chest with both hands, do not use too much force. Just press down 2~3cm. Too much force can easily break the patient's ribs! Professor: Please see the demonstration below (press hard with both hands), there will be a click! The model's ribs were broken. Embarrassed, I said, get out of class is over~

10. I went to my boyfriend’s house to spend the night, took a shower, saw a piece of soap, picked it up and used it. It felt weird when I used it. After I washed it, my boyfriend kissed me and smelled something wrong. He asked me, "Didn't you use the soap you used to bathe Laifu?"

11. My wife looked at my little nephew. In the photo taken just after he was born, he laughed and said, "Look, he still has a little penis." As a result, my little nephew coldly called him "a gangster."

12. Last night, I had sex with my wife. She was lying on the table. In the middle of it, I saw my wife touching the table twice, picked up a walnut and started to bite it. I collapsed. , said: Wife, we only do this once a week, can you be more professional?

13. That day, I suddenly received a call: "Guess who I am? If you guess it, you will get a gift!" I guessed all the possible people, but it was still wrong. Later, I got angry and asked, "Who the hell are you? If you don't tell me, I'll hang up the phone!" As a result, the man said, "I'm a courier, and you have a package..." I vomited blood at that time.

14. Loyalty is offensive! 1. If you are a man, please don’t get a dog. 2. If you get a dog, don’t get a dog that can jump on the bed. 3. If you have a dog that can jump on the bed, you should never sleep naked. 4. If you really like sleeping naked, don’t feed your dog with sausages. 5. Lessons from the past~~~ Moppers should keep this in mind!

15. Is this photo of you? It’s so beautiful. It helped me save a lot of money. I don’t have to eat this year.

16. I passed a street that day and found that the street was full of street girls.

One of them actually greeted me warmly: "Handsome guy, come and have some fun~" I yelled at her in a rough voice: "I like men!" So she didn't even bother to look at me again, and her head turned. He left without returning. In fact, I am telling the truth, I do like men. I was wearing a sunhat, sunglasses, and jeans that day. I'm relatively tall. Because it was too hot in the summer, I cut off my long hair. More importantly, it seems that I need to enlarge my breasts...

17. Today, I went to dinner with my colleagues after get off work. We ordered a plate of scrambled eggs with chili and found a hair in it. Then my colleague Pick up your hair with chopsticks and shout, Boss~~Look what this is? The boss looked at it and yelled, "Come on!" Give this lady a pair of chopsticks

18. I sent a text message to my boyfriend using Fetion on my mobile phone, and it was sent to a fellow countryman with whom he has a good relationship. It said, "Husband, don't worry, my aunt is here..." "

19. After physical education class one day, I was so hungry that I went to the restaurant to eat. There were many people, it was too crowded and it was chaotic. I shouted to the aunt who was cooking: "My meal speed Order it!", and the aunt shouted to the cook inside: "Hurry up inside! The beggars are waiting in a hurry."

20. When I was walking in the supermarket, I saw a cashier counting the items carefully. A child ran past a pile of coins, singing as he ran: A group of ducks are passing under the bridge in front of the door, come on, come on, count them, two, four, six, seven, eight. . . . Then the cashier was very depressed and threw back the half-counted coins and counted them again....

21. When I was in the fifth or sixth grade of elementary school, I was watching TV at my cousin's house one night. Watch CCTV-6. When it came to the sex scene, my aunt took the remote control and wanted to change the channel, saying: Children can't watch this. The younger brother grabbed the remote control and shouted: Don't worry, CCTV won't take it off. 22. Once I was playing with the computer of a classmate of ours and found a folder full of pornographic films downloaded from the Internet. On a whim, I set one of the pictures as his desktop and waited for him to come back to open it. Computer, I didn’t expect to come back. Then I got hungry and went out to eat. When I came back, I found that his computer was gone. Half an hour later, I saw him carrying the computer with a look of shit on his face. It turned out that his computer monitor was in our It broke after shutting down, so he took it to the maintenance department in the canteen to repair it. After repairing it, he had to open it and try it. Our canteen can accommodate more than 200 people.

23. My wife bought new clothes and was impatient. I put it on and took a selfie in the bathroom mirror, and then posted it on the Internet to show off. I just found out today that there is a mirror with me sitting naked on the toilet and using the toilet. . . . .

24. My wife and I went to the Temple of the Reclining Buddha. My wife couldn’t walk on the road, so I carried her on my back. An old woman saw it and said seriously: I see you are also a person who has read. If your wife is sick, you should go to the hospital as soon as possible. Praying to Buddha is useless.

25. When I picked up the car from the shed, I saw no one around, so I boldly put a P, which caused a loud noise from the motorcycle anti-theft device next door.

26. Raised QQ The pet died (named Baobao), and then the mood was updated in QQ space as: In memory of my baby, a fellow villager saw it and thought I had an abortion, so he told her mother, and his mother told my mother. As a result, my father Mom doesn't answer my calls now. She calls from a different number and hangs up as soon as she hears my voice.

27. My parents said that when I was young, I lived with them in a hotel. When I woke up in the morning, they found me brushing my teeth with a toothbrush. The problem was that the sink in the hotel was higher than me, so they When they asked me how to get the water, I took them into the toilet and pointed to the toilet...

28. The day before yesterday, I had dinner with my friends. I drank too much and slipped out of the restaurant to vomit. I held on to the side. When I got into a car, I didn't expect that a police officer came, "Drive away, this is a no-parking zone!" Because he was sick and didn't want to talk, he waved his hand, "What's wrong? Have you been drinking?" He took out his walkie-talkie and called a tow truck. .

Seeing the car being dragged farther and farther, I said, "What's wrong! It's not my car, how can I drive it!?"

29. Mao Mao's high school Chinese language mock test, I heard about this test before handing out the papers The highest score in version version version version version was 139 points (out of 150). At that time, I yelled, MD, are you a human? The test was so high, when the paper was handed out, I found that it was my own....

30. In the evening, the girl who bought quick-frozen dumplings on sale at the supermarket greeted me warmly and pulled me over: "Try it, try it!" ! Alas, it’s hard to resist such hospitality. When I ate one, the promotional girl kept staring at me. After I finished eating, she asked seriously: Is it done? I picked it up when it was ripe...

31. GF was on a business trip and told me that he bought a sexy pajamas. I said I miss you, send me a recent photo. Asked if I should be photographed with my clothes on or with my clothes off? Great joy! He quickly replied: Take off your photo! Take off your photos! The next day, a photo of sexy pajamas hanging on a stool came through the mailbox....

32. Kitty had a friend who shared a house with a woman. One night she was very depressed, and then that ** very considerately cooked her a bowl of noodles. She felt it was very warm and said, "We'll just make do with it." ’ Unexpectedly, ** said: ‘You don’t want a man, but I do! '"

33. Sitting on the bus this morning, a mother and daughter behind me were talking. Her mother was testing her and said: "We have 20 apples at home, and you ate 5 of them. , how many more are there?" The little girl thought for a while and said: "15." After a while, the little girl said to her mother: "Mom, I will also ask you a question. I have ten fingers. "My father chopped off two of my fingers, and my teacher chopped off one of my fingers. How many fingers do I have left?" ....

34. Last time I went to a restaurant to eat, I was talking to a friend about shooting a short film. My friend insisted on making a 30-minute film, but I insisted on 10 minutes. As I was talking, my chicken started to freeze. I stood up, slammed the table, and yelled, "What's wrong with being short?" What's wrong with being short? This thing depends on technology! ” Then I felt that everyone around me was looking at me with pity...

35. Once I was waiting for a friend at the bus stop. The bus stop happened to be next to the traffic light, so I stood there and waited. The sidewalk turned green and the light turned red. At this time, a 60-year-old grandma rushed out. The taxi heading toward grandma suddenly braked. The driver was very angry and stuck his head out of the window and cursed: "Grandma,... I wanted to die, so I suddenly rushed out and called you. The grandma immediately replied: "Is it true?" Young people, don’t make grandma happy! "The people standing at the bus stop were so dizzy~~~

36. When I was in middle school, my physics teacher taught about triboelectricity and said: When we take off our sweaters in the winter, the sweaters will make a crackling sound. There will also be lightning. But it won’t be like this in summer. Why? The boy in the back: Because he doesn’t wear sweaters in summer.

37. There was a kid (male) in our dormitory who was a bit stupid. He was cute and silly. One night after the lights were turned off, we were chatting again, and he said that when I got rich, he would find three girls. He changed our tastes and asked him what happened next. Calmly say, play mahjong...