Don’t let these logics hurt your children anymore

I don’t know if you have noticed that there are many adults around me who think that the most effective way to discipline is to scare children with words or violence.

Once at the gate of the kindergarten, an old lady came to pick up a pair of twins. She was holding one of them. Where was the other child? He looked a bit naughty. He was squatting under a tree by the roadside and seemed to have discovered something interesting.

The old lady urged dissatisfiedly: "You are like this every day, playing here and there on the way home, why don't you hurry up."

The child did not move.

The old lady continued: "I will tell your mother if you look like this. Your father also said that he will give you away because you are too bad."

The child looked up at her and became interested in what she said.

"I heard your father telling your mother the morning before yesterday that he wanted to give you away."

"No, no."

"Who called You don’t listen to me.”

“Send your sister away,” she said carefully (the child started to protect herself at this time)

“Your sister is obedient and won’t. I’ll give it to you.”

“But if you listen to me, maybe I won’t give it to you.”

Nowadays, some adults actually do this to scare children to make them obey.

What kind of children are the most obedient?

Children who are more and more frightened by you should be considered one of them.

Among all the words that scare children, the words "I don't want you" are the most harmful to children.

Using "abandonment" as a hint and "mother's love" as a threat may be effective once or twice, but in the long run, the child will be left with fear and stress.

I once saw such a story on the Internet: "Whenever I was naughty when I was a child, my parents would say that I came from the roadside, and if I didn't obey, I would be thrown out."

"I cried for a long time because of this sentence. For a long time after that, I was scared every day and didn't dare to mess around, for fear of making a mistake and being thrown away. It wasn't until I graduated from college that I realized what my parents said. It was a joke. And I suffered for more than ten years because of this joke.”

This feeling of being abandoned at any time often creates permanent fear in the young minds of children.

Alfie Cohen, the author of "Unconditional Parenting", calls this practice "withdrawal of love." This temporary emotional abandonment is not corporal punishment, but a colder punishment than corporal punishment.

In the eyes of children, parents are everything. No matter how naughty the children are, they should not threaten them with love. On the contrary, when children are difficult to raise, unconditional love is even more important.

A mother said that her husband insisted that her son go to kindergarten when he was 1 year and 1 month old. She felt that her son was too young and it was winter. The child's physical condition was not good.

She would vomit when she cried and was not ready. She thought it would be later, but no one listened.

The child’s father said: “It must be done after the Chinese New Year, no one’s say will count.”

The father thinks that the child is timid and needs to go to kindergarten to exercise early. The mother-in-law also insisted on sending it to support her son.

This is the situation in many families: an authoritarian father and an old man who takes sides unconditionally.

Without a correct and clear understanding of the child, he follows the route he has drawn. For example, at what age should children do and learn? I have the final say. It doesn’t matter whether you can accept it, or whether your body can tolerate it.

Children raised in such families often do not feel the atmosphere of democracy. It is easy to raise servile or hollow-minded children.

Do you still remember Wang Meng, a talented scholar from Peking University who severed family ties?

34-year-old Wang Meng (pseudonym) has achieved excellent results since childhood. As the top scorer in science in the college entrance examination in a prefecture-level city in Sichuan, he was admitted to Peking University's biology major, one of the best majors after the college entrance examination. After graduating from the university, he successfully entered as a graduate student. Ranked among the top 50 universities in the United States.

However, behind all this halo, what finally ushered in was the break between Wang Meng and his parents: 12 years ago, he stopped going home for the Spring Festival; 6 years ago, he blocked all his parents' Contact details.

What kind of gap is it that makes children and parents break so decisively?

Wang Meng complained in a long article: "My mother likes to take care of my affairs according to her own preferences."

When I was in the first or second grade of elementary school, there was a theatrical performance in the class. The head teacher asked everyone to wear knee-length shorts, but my mother asked me to wear long pants without any explanation. Growing up, my parents arranged all my clothes.

All my social circles are in the compound where I live, and all my friends are known and understood by my parents.

Wang Meng grew up with his parents "taking care of everything". After he went to college, he became introverted and withdrawn. The teacher said: "There are defects in communication and poor ability to resist frustration."

After resigning Wang Meng chose to study in the United States. After consulting his psychology teacher while studying in the United States, he suddenly discovered: "These shortcomings of mine are caused by excessive control by my parents."

So Wang Meng decided to be cruel: " I want to get rid of control and restart my life. ”

Not being recognized and respected, and not being able to accept and understand his inner emotional needs and venting his emotions, in fact, has already destined him to end up in the opposite direction from his parents. .

Suhomlinsky mentioned in his book "On Family Education" that there are six aspects of educational influence on children and adolescents -

One is the family; The second is teachers;

The third is collective; the fourth is self-education;

The fifth is books; the sixth is social environment.

The growing environment of the native family plays a vital role in a child's life.

"Teasing" children is a long-standing tradition for us Chinese and we never tire of it. Many people will tell you the answer: "I tease your child because I like him, but I don't tease other people!"

I remember that when my son was more than two years old, he was at his grandma's house. One of my mother's friends teased his son and said : "Your mother doesn't want you anymore, right? I don't see her taking you. She doesn't take you to play on weekends." I said this sentence several times.

I heard it in the kitchen and felt very uncomfortable.

To be honest, next time I meet someone who says this to my child, no matter who she is, I will have to have a good argument with her, because this joke can hurt Very powerful.

How can any mother not want her own child?

Maybe because everyone knows the answer, they think it’s okay to joke about it. But does the child know the answer?

Children will believe it, especially if several people say it repeatedly. In the story "Three men became tigers and Zengzi killed people", many people told it, and even adults believed it.

What's more, it's a child. When your words to tease a child are recognized by the child, you may have never thought about the consequences in the child's heart.

The child will be anxious, even hate and resist the mother, causing the child to feel insecure, which is very harmful to the child's growth.

You must know that our children are not playthings, animals or toys. They are independent individuals and beings with souls who need to be treated equally and respected.

The family is the starting point for children and the window through which they experience the world.

A good family atmosphere is like soil, warm and nutritious, nourishing children throughout their lives. A bad family atmosphere is like poison that eats away at a child's vitality bit by bit.