When your friends tell you jokes.

1. Passing by a bank, four or five men came over and suddenly coughed together. I suddenly thought it was a code word to grab, so I was nervous! As a result, they coughed and walked over. Then I started coughing with a woman! It's not a T virus or something, is it? A little scared! What's going on here? Until I got to the place where they started coughing, I also coughed! Who cooks with Chili peppers that choke? ...

2. 1948 During the London Olympic Games, Argentine weightlifter barris had his weight measured before taking part in the 52kg competition, and his weight exceeded the requirements of the competition level.

What shall we do? The coach of the Argentine team brought a haircut clipper and shaved barris's head. The coach wiped Barres all over with a towel to remove the mud. A player said to him: "You cry, shed some tears, and your weight will become lighter."

Push a bald head, wipe the mud, cry, the weight is still not up to standard, and then check the scale, it turned out to be wrong. Paris took part in the competition bareheaded.

In Madrid, a bullfight has just ended. In this game, a famous matador was seriously injured. He has just been taken to the hospital, but when he left the hospital, he was covered with bandages.

"I must take revenge." The matador shouted at many admirers gathered in front of the hospital. Then he started walking along the street, and people followed him closely, wondering what he was going to do.

The matador walked into a pub, sat down at a table and said to the waiter, "Give me two roast beef, the more burnt the better."

4. Recruits perform skydiving training. The old monitor pulled them to the door one by one and then pushed them out. A guy struggled desperately, clinging to the door and refusing to jump out. The monitor wouldn't let him talk, so he kicked him out. Several recruits at the back laughed, and the monitor said angrily, "What's so funny about this coward?" A recruit said, "He is not a coward, he is the pilot of this plane."

Two rich men, A and B, were walking in the park when they suddenly found a piece of shit on the road. A said to B, "You eat the shit and I'll give you 50 million." Deal. Then I found another lump, and B said to A, "If you dare to eat, I'll give you 50 million." A is distressed by the 50 million yuan, so she will eat it now. Party A and Party B hugged each other and wept: "I didn't earn a penny, but everyone ate a lump of shit ..."

6. A fire broke out in an oil well of a company, and the fire was so fierce that the fire brigade could not get close. Soon, an amateur fire brigade came. I saw an old fire truck go straight into the sea of fire and put it out in a short time. The boss gave the fire brigade thousands of dollars in bonuses and asked how to use the money. Without thinking, the captain said, "First, check the brakes of the fire truck. Damn it, I almost sent a dozen people to the fire pit. "

7. A county magistrate was dismissed, became a vegetable and was sent to the hospital. After the doctor diagnosed, he said, "Maybe it would be good to read him a notice of reinstatement." The wife of the county magistrate thought, "If you want to study, you should study as a director and make him happy." When the magistrate stood up, he died laughing. The doctor said regretfully, "Don't increase the dose without following the doctor's advice."

8. Foreigners are taking the Chinese exam. It's much more painful to see their expressions than the children in China take the CET-4 or CET-6 exam.

It is said that there was such a hearing: "Your teeth are really beautiful!"

"Oh, that's fake."

"Oh, really?"

"Really."

Q: Is the tooth real or false?

9. It is said that the hair is wrapped around jade and burned with a lighter. Hair is always real jade.

My brother has a family heirloom, which has been with him for more than ten years.

One day, my brother had a whim and wanted to prove to everyone that it was priceless, so he used this method.

In the end, not only was his hair cut, but the heirloom that accompanied him for more than ten years was also burned.

10. I am a white-collar worker.

Today, I got paid, paid the rent, water and electricity, bought instant noodles with oil and rice, touched my pocket, and lamented that my salary was white-collar again this month.

1 1. I was deeply poisoned by martial arts movies when I was a child. I thought the wound must have been sprayed with wine and then bandaged. Finally, my hand was cut. What a big cut. I resolutely found the liquor and poured it without hesitation. ...

You can't imagine how painful that is! For the first time in my life, I jumped around in pain. After a long time, it suddenly occurred to me that heroes on TV always put wine in their mouth first, and then spray it on the wound. ...

So I took it again and danced for a long time.

12. Foreigners studied Chinese hard for ten years and went to China to take the Chinese exam. These questions are as follows:

Title: Please explain the meaning of each of the following "meanings".

When A Dai gave the leader a red envelope, the conversation between them was very interesting.

Leader: "What do you mean?"

A Dai: "It doesn't mean anything, it means something."

Leader: "You are not interesting enough."

A Dai: "Nothing, nothing."

Leader: "You are really interesting."

A Dai: "Actually, there is no other meaning."

Leader: "Then I am embarrassed."

A Dai: "Sorry."

As a result, the foreigner burst into tears and returned in vain. ...

13. Four people went to the hotel for dinner, one surnamed Sun, one surnamed Jiang, one surnamed Huang and one surnamed Qin. Before eating, four people agreed that each person would say an idiom to associate his surname with the food on the table. If he speaks well, others will not be able to eat that dish. So the surname Huang said first: "The weasel stole the chicken." Talking, he took a plate of roast chicken pieces on the table to him. Jiang surnamed: "Fishing." Put a plate of steamed fish in front of you. Then the surname Qin said, "Qin Shihuang swallowed six countries." Put the rest of the dishes in front of you. Finally, when Sun saw that there was nothing to eat, he was anxious and said, "the Monkey King is making a scene in Heaven!" So I kicked the table over. As a result, everyone has no food.

14. It is said that before the disintegration of the Soviet Union, the Chinese, American and Soviet armed forces held a military parade on the top of a mountain. The armies of the three countries are arranged in alphabetical order, with the American army first, the Soviet army second and China last. Chinese and Soviet officers looked unhappy, while American officers looked happy. At the beginning of the military parade, the armies of the three countries were full of energy and lined up neatly. Unexpectedly, there was a cliff ahead, but the commander-in-chief of the three armies did not order it to stop. The American troops who walked in front saw the cliffs in front of them and stopped one by one. American officers were furious and ordered them to move forward, but American soldiers ignored them and some even whistled. The Soviet army behind him smiled contemptuously and strode to the cliff. Line up neatly. American soldiers were shocked, stopped laughing, marveled at the bravery, discipline and ruthlessness of the Soviet army, and stared at China soldiers. China soldiers walked to the edge of the cliff, and the soldiers quickly took off their armed belts and twisted them into long ropes. Then slide down the cliff and queue up again to move on. American officers and soldiers and Soviet officers remember the famous saying of Japanese devils: "The Eighth Route Army is very cunning." .

15. A place has been dry for a long time, and crops are dying;

A farmer went to consult a mage specially, and the mage gave the farmer a note that read:

"The secret can't be revealed, and it can only be opened when it rains."

The farmers were overjoyed and it rained heavily three days later.

The farmer opened the note and said, "It will rain today."

16. While waiting for the bus at the bus stop, an old woman came over and looked at the stop sign with great difficulty.

I said in a friendly way, "Aunt, where are you going? Let me take a look at it for you. "

Grandma thanked me, took out an iPhone4S, skillfully unlocked it, skillfully entered the unlock password, skillfully opened the photo album, and showed me a photo of the place where she was going.

For a moment, I felt that I had a lot of free time. ...

17. The teacher in the remedial class assigned a lot of homework to the students.

Finally, he casually said: "If you do a wrong question, you will be punished twice, and if you do two right questions, you will be rewarded."

The whole class is a mess. ...

18. An old lady said with tears after watching the black 100-meter race, how scary! Several coal diggers knelt in a row and were shot, but they fired without aiming. The children ran in fear, and the rope couldn't stop them!

19. The husband bought life insurance for his wife, and the beneficiary was himself.

After signing the contract, I asked the salesman, "If my wife dies tonight, how much can I get?"

The salesman replied: "At least 20 years in prison!"

There is a new statue of Chairman Mao in this school. In order to cultivate our patriotic sentiments, a special ceremony was held, that is, removing the red cloth from the statue and giving a patriotic speech. Dally for a long time, just at the solemn moment when the headmaster was about to unveil the red cloth, accompanied by the national anthem slowly sung, an idiot sang along below: "Lift your skull, let me see your face, your face is red and round ..." Suddenly, the headmaster's face turned green, and the dean rushed down from the podium and took the guy away with one foot. ...

2 1. The unit has Japanese exchange scholars who have been in China for two years and will soon return to China. The leader of the army and an official of the Japanese embassy held a farewell banquet for him. During the dinner, the Japanese scholar said that he had studied erhu in China and wanted to play a song for everyone. March of the Volunteers played the first song very well, and everyone applauded wildly. Here comes the Japanese, and here comes another song. In the second song, the sword was cut on the head of the devil ... It was nice, but it seemed that I only learned the song but didn't learn the lyrics ... The China people here called it very well, and the people who saw the embassy turned blue. ...

22. A young man rushed to the fourth floor and met a middle-aged man. He said, "You must be Lao Li. Come on, your daughter was hit by a car! " The middle-aged man was suddenly blinded: "Ah? God, what should I do? " He hurried downstairs. Walking to the third floor, I remembered: "No, I don't have a daughter!" " When I walked up to the second floor, I remembered, "What's worse, I'm not married yet! On the first floor, I stamped my foot: "My name is not Li! " "

23. An idiot occupied the ATM for a long time and made a receipt from time to time. I was tired of waiting in line at the back, so I took a look at him and found that his screen actually showed "insufficient balance". I saw that these two goods were still withdrawing money and receiving printed receipts one by one. After about five minutes, I saw these two goods rushing to the public toilet with a pile of bank receipts.

24. A friend surnamed Wan said, "You must work hard to name your children in the future, especially when the school calls the roll!"

The circle of friends was lost in thought.

Suddenly a voice replied, "Long live Grandpa!"

More than 60 years ago, a friend told me a joke, which made me laugh. Later, I was admitted to the hospital because my stomach hurt too much. Before the doctor operated on me, he asked me why I smiled like this, so I told him. He laughed hysterically and finally died laughing.

I was taken to court. The judge asked me to tell a joke, and the jury decided whether it met the factual elements of manslaughter. I want to sign an exemption contract. The judge announced that the court would be adjourned and reopened a day later, and announced that he would accept my opinion. So, I told this joke in court, and as a result, some people knocked on the table with a smile and some people rolled on the ground with a smile. Later, everyone who heard the joke that day died laughing.

I became a celebrity in an instant, and reporters from all walks of life asked to interview me. I know that telling this joke may constitute public infringement, so I vaguely said something to the camera to the effect that "the reason is always a lie, and the belief is always masturbation." After the program was broadcast, it caused great repercussions. Unexpectedly, one day, some mysterious plain clothes broke into my bedroom and dragged me into a dark room. After a long time, a strong light shone on my face. I barely opened my eyes and was shocked. The man sitting in front of me is the only person as famous as me-the president.

The president roughly explained the purpose of arresting me, which was simple: record this joke and send it to the dictator of a hostile country in the Middle East, laughing him to death. I had to agree to his request, and at the same time put forward that this joke belongs to weapons of mass destruction and should not be aimed at civilians. The president agreed.

Two weeks later, the president announced that he had mastered the key technology of the joke and successfully tested it in the desert area. This caused an uproar in the international community, and many countries panicked. International military scientists named it "Laughing Deterrence". At this moment, some eastern country suddenly announced that it had mastered this joke, and the buddy who told me this joke had taken refuge in that country. Thus, a "balance between laughter and deterrence" has been formed between us.

Three years later, on April 1 day, what I was worried about all day finally happened: a terrorist organization in the Middle East stole the original technology of that joke. As a result, civilization has been destroyed as never before, and countries are in constant fear. The United Nations had to hold a global summit and finally designated April 1 day as April Fool's Day.

More than 60 years have passed, and I am dying. Before leaving this world, as a historical witness, I feel it necessary to tell this joke to everyone. That day, my friend told me that the joke was simple and short, just one sentence:

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Ps: Reprinting is useless, because jokes are the articles themselves!