Need some super funny jokes!

Early in the morning, mother snail went out with her baby snail.

The little snail asked his mother inexplicably, "Where are we going?"

Mother snail: "Didn't we agree to take you on a blind date?"

Snail: "Ah, but I'm still young? ! "

Mother snail: "it's almost there!" " "

One day, three dead people were taken to the hospital.

The doctor asked, why did everyone laugh to death?

The nurse replied: The first man was so excited because he won 5 million!

The second man died of joy and sorrow!

The doctor asked again, how did the third person die?

The nurse said that the third man died while picking apples on a rainy night?

The doctor doesn't understand: how can you laugh to death when picking apples?

The nurse replied: Suddenly there was a flash of lightning in the sky! He thinks someone is taking pictures of him.

Teacher: To be honest, do you smoke?

Boy a: no.

Teacher: No? Well, French fries, please.

Boy A naturally stretched out two fingers and took it. ...

Teacher: No? ! Call your parents ...

[Scene 2]

Teacher: Do you smoke?

Boy b: no.

Teacher: No? Well, French fries, please.

B took the French fries carefully with her palm, because she heard about A.

Teacher: Aren't you going to dip in some ketchup?

B accidentally dipped too much, so he immediately flicked it with his finger. ...

Teacher: The posture of playing ash is very skillful. Call your parents ...

[Scene 3]

Teacher: Do you smoke?

Boy c: no.

Teacher: no, ok, I'll have French fries.

Because of the first two examples, C carefully finished the French fries with sweat.

Teacher: Aren't you going to take a root home for your classmates?

C picked up the French fries and put them in his ear. ...

Teacher: No? Call your parents ...

[Scene 4]

Teacher: Do you smoke?

Boy d: no.

Teacher: Good. Have a French fries.

Eating French fries in fear.

Teacher: Aren't you going to take a root home for your classmates?

D carefully put the chips in his upper pocket again.

The teacher suddenly shouted: The headmaster is coming!

D quickly took French fries out of his pocket and threw them on the ground, stepping on them with his feet. ...

Teacher: No? ! Call your parents ...

[Scene 5]

Teacher: Do you smoke?

Boy e: no,

Teacher: Good. Have a French fries.

E just took French fries, and the teacher said, won't you invite me to eat?

E hurriedly handed me the French fries with both hands and then took out a lighter. ...

Teacher: No? ! Call your parents ...

[Scene 6]

Teacher: Do you smoke?

Boy f: no.

Teacher: Good. Have a French fries.

I ate it in fear.

Teacher: Suddenly shouted: The headmaster is coming!

F sweaty palms, but still calmly bowed his head and said, hello, headmaster!

Teacher: The headmaster will smell your mouth.

F takes out the French fries: No, they are still there. The fire hasn't lit yet. ...

[Scene 7]

Teacher: Do you smoke?

Boy G: I swear to God, I will never smoke again.

Teacher: You really don't smoke? Ok, let's have a French fries.

G naturally took the French fries and ate them clean.

Teacher: That's a good boy. What brand of French fries do you usually like?

(proudly): Greater China ...

1. A male deer walked faster and faster, and finally became a road (deer)! ! ! !

2. Two tomatoes cross the road, a car flies by, one of them can't escape and is squashed, and the other tomato points to the squashed tomato and laughs: dig hahaha, ketchup …

The wolf said, "I will eat you!" ! ! "Guess what?

As a result, the wolf ate the lamb.

4. The stone fights with the rice cake, and the stone flies and kicks the rice cake into the sea. ..........

Once upon a time, there was a pair of lovers who decided to join the army for life, so they made an oath with the girl, gave her a diamond ring, and agreed to meet her three years later today. At that time, the ring will be used as a wedding ring. Three years later, the girl has been waiting for the boy, but she can't. Sad and desperate, she threw the diamond ring into the sea and moved away. However, the boy has been waiting.

Rice cake! ! !

5. Is jiaozi a boy or a girl?

Answer the boy because jiaozi has a foreskin.

6. There is a duck named Xiao Huang. One day, he was hit by a car. He shouted, "Gung!" From then on, he became a cucumber! !

7. The matchstick suddenly felt itchy, so I reached out to scratch it and burned myself to death …

Ten years of life and death, Heng Yuanxiang, Yang Yang. Thousands of miles away, the top seven are used for washing powder. Even if you don't know each other, you have to make up C, Shi Erkang. Come back to China suddenly at night and learn a foreign language, New Oriental. Care for each other without words, washing is healthier. It is estimated that my heart will be broken every year, looking for a job, Foxconn.

2. Old people talk about juvenile madness, treat kidney deficiency and do not contain sugar. Golden hat mink fur, thousands of riding with Kang Wang. In order to repay the satrap of the whole city, for three hundred years, Jiuzhitang. Wine, breast and gall are still in business, watermelon frost, Guangzhi. Hold the festival cloud, three gold glucose. I can bow like a full moon and look northwest, King Adi.

The old man talked about the madness of teenagers, learned skills and went to Lan Xiang. A gold hat, mink fur and fur, it is difficult to ride a tiger. In order to report the whole city and the satrap, Mayflower and the airport. I'm still doing business, repairing cars and coming to the north. Beida Jade Bird has been established for a long time. Bow like a full moon, looking northwest, New Oriental.

When it comes to teenage mania, I can only say Du Kang. Golden hat mink, Avon thousand riding. To repay Qingcheng, Taishou, Passat, Duke and King. Wine, chest and gallbladder are still open, and women are cleaner and healthier. In the clouds, there are many bubble gum. Can pull the carver like a full moon, looking northwest, Tongrentang.

5. Old people talk about juvenile madness, jumping and jumping, and today's Lang Mai. Golden retrievers carve autumn, and thousands ride the overlord. To repay the city guard, L 'Oreal and Shiseido. I love life and Fang La. Holding the festive clouds, Shuanghui ham sausage. The carver is like a full moon, looking at the northwest, the natural hall.

The difference between a good student and a bad student:

Teacher: Who invented the laser display?

Good student: Madame Curie.

Teacher: Who modified the steam engine?

Good student: Watt

Teacher: Who invented the light bulb?

Good student: Edison

Good students got 100.

Good students go out and tell bad students the answers, and bad students go in for exams.

Teacher: Who is your mother?

Bad student: Madame Curie

Teacher: Who is your father?

Bad students; watt

The teacher was surprised and asked, "Who told you that?"

Bad student: Edison

The bad students got a score of 120, and after a month of being questioned, the good students were finally betrayed.

1: Kill you with what, my love.

2. The cashier said: No change. Here are two plastic bags for you!

3. My advantages are: I am handsome; But my shortcoming is that I am not handsome.

If you have time to learn Feng Shui, you can make up for the regret that you can't afford a good house before you die.

5: others are equipped with experience, and I also want to install experience.

6: I am a fat man, not a clown.

7: If Taiwan Province Province doesn't recover, I won't pass Grade 4!

8: I won't go to work until the sun comes out; If I come out, I'll go back to sleep!

9: Snails run wildly.

10: I have to watch the Forbes rich list every morning when I get up. If my name is not on it, I will go to work.

1 1: Talking about money doesn't hurt feelings, but talking about love hurts money the most.

12: I curse you for buying instant noodles all your life without seasoning packets.

13: The accountant said, "Come and get paid later. I have no change here. "

14: Can you see my powder?

15: Although you wear cologne, I can still vaguely smell that scum.

My name is Yu, and my nickname is Runtu.

17: Please serve Yangzhou fried rice, with more chopped green onion, less salt and more eggs. Pack it and take it away.

18: once I was on the street, a group of girls stopped me. They said I was handsome, but when I denied it, they hit me and called me hypocritical.

19: it is both house and rotten, and its future is uncertain.

Failure is not terrible, the key is success or not.

2 1: The most mysterious department in history: related departments.

There is no denying that mosaic is the biggest obstacle to the progress of human art in this century!

There are only two things I can't do in my life: neither this nor that.

24: People have backgrounds, and I have backgrounds.

25: The ideal of meat, the life of cabbage.

26: White Horse … Where did you die! Did you lose your prince and dare not come to see me?

27: Ming Sao is easy to hide and hard to prevent.

28: Don't treat shrimp as seafood.

I am an angel, because of my weight, I can't go back to heaven.

30: Your mother is your father's cousin? (It implies that this person's parents are married by close relatives, and the children married by close relatives are generally 2 .............................).

3 1: Today's college students are so incompetent! Come here to copy the film, cut it!

32: There are too many liars and obviously not enough fools.

I just killed the dragon on the road, swam across the river, climbed to the top of the tower and kissed your princess.

I smiled at the sky from the horizontal knife, and then I went to sleep.

35: Your mobile phone is cheaper than the phone bill.

It's a long way to Xiu Yuan, so let's take a taxi.

My life has two sides: A and B, and yours has two sides: S and B. ..

38: I am not afraid of thieves with tools, but I am afraid that thieves know technology!

On one occasion, the Xiongnu in the north wanted to attack the Central Plains, and sent someone to send a "battle table" first. When the emperor opened it, it turned out to be "heavenly heart takes rice". None of the ministers of the Qing Dynasty solved the mystery. The emperor couldn't take it easy, so he had to post a list to recruit talents. At this time, an official named He Tang in the palace said that there was a plan to withdraw troops, and the emperor urgently declared He Tang to go to the temple. He Tang pointed to the four words on the "battle table" and said to the emperor: "God, my country is also; Heart, Central Plains also: rice, holy also. Taking rice from the heart is to seize the country and take the position of king. " The emperor said urgently, "What should I do?" He Tang said, "Nothing, I have my own way out." He said, holding a pen in his hand and adding a pen to each of the four words. The original letter was returned to the sender. Marshal Xiongnu, who led the troops, thought that the Central Plains did not dare to fight. When he opened it, he was shocked and retreated urgently. It turned out that He Tang became "not necessarily dare to come" after adding one word each to "heavenly heart takes rice".

An American, a Japanese and a China are walking in the desert.

Walking, I saw a bottle, opened the cork and a man floated out.

The man said, "I am a fairy, and I can grant each of you three wishes!" " "

The American was the first to say, "My first wish is to ask for a lot of money."

The fairy said, "this is simple and will satisfy you!" Tell me about the second wish. "

The American said: I want a lot of money! "

After the fairy fulfilled her wish, the American said his third wish: "Take me home."

The fairy said, "No problem."

So Americans came back to America with a lot of money.

The fairy asked the Japanese again.

The Japanese said, "I want beautiful women!" "

The fairy gave him a beautiful woman.

The Japanese said: I still want beautiful women! "

The fairy also satisfied him and gave him a beautiful woman. ..

The Japanese finally said, "Send me back to Japan."

After the fairy sent the Japanese back to China, she asked the people of China what they wanted.

China people said, "Let's have a bottle of Erguotou first."

The fairy gave it to him. Ask him what his second wish is.

China people say: Another bottle of Erguotou! "

The fairy asked him what his third wish was.

China said, "I miss Japanese and Americans very much. Please bring them back. " .

An American, a German, a Japanese and an American are sitting on a plane. Halfway through, the plane suddenly ran out of gas. The captain announced that someone had to jump off the plane to reduce the weight, so the American showed personal heroism and went to the door of the plane and shouted: Long live America and other countries! ! Then I jumped! The plane continued to fly ... at this moment, the captain announced that the weight was still too heavy, and one person had to jump! So the Germans stood up, walked to the door of the plane and shouted: Long live the German Empire! Jumped down, too The plane continued to fly ... At this moment, the captain announced: No, it's still heavy, and one more person must jump! China glanced at the Japanese, stood up and walked to the hatch of the plane. The Japanese rushed to hold China's hand: Good brother, I won't forget you! The people of China shouted: Long live the people and country of China! ! Then I kicked the Japanese down with one foot! ! ......

A group of people are eating in a deserted shop. There were six people, but the waitress brought seven pairs of chopsticks. A colleague smiled: "What a good beginning of a ghost story." Everyone laughed. The waiter looked at us awkwardly, counted, and said shyly, "Sorry, the count is wrong." Then take out two pairs of chopsticks. The table suddenly became silent. agree

When I was in high school, the underworld was prevalent at that time. Influenced by young people, students often fight in groups and put watermelon knives on desks. A mock exam and a mixed exam in different classrooms. In the fifth grade, a very honest person was assigned to the desk of a punk from nowhere. When he lifted his foot, his knee touched the bottom of the desk drawer, and suddenly he felt a foreign body feeling. There is a watermelon knife stuck to the bottom of the drawer with tape, which may not be tight. As a result, he fell to the ground with a bang He's scared. Pick it up quickly. He may be afraid of offending the owner of the knife and is about to put it in the drawer. The invigilator was frightened. The scholar took a watermelon knife and said weakly, I want to sharpen a pencil ... I want to sharpen a pencil. ...

There is a stick in the dormitory, which is probably called an arm strength device or something. It is a thick spring with handles at both ends, and people can hold it and bend it to exercise their arm strength. When nothing happens, everyone plays with their tails. -Let's separate it. On this day, I was very idle, playing with an upturned stick. I was trying to pout when the door slammed open. It turned out that students were coming to check, and a group of people, men and women, came in. A man wearing a red armband glanced at the rubbish and messy bed on the ground. Just as the armband man was talking, there was a loud noise and the stick was broken, broken, broken. At this time, everyone was quiet. The armband man looked at the two halves of the stick, then at me (tired from hard work), looked at the others with frightened eyes and left at once. I swear it's not my strength. I can only say that this stick is aging or the quality is too poor. In view of my outstanding contribution, Uncle Quan unanimously decided that I didn't need to pay for this stick, and since then, the students have never come to bed for an exam.

One of my classmates wrote a composition in primary school-he was killed by illness when he was a child! There is also an article about sweeping snow in winter, which misspelled the word snow as thunder. As a result, on a winter morning, my family and I were on our way to my home ... (Originally, the mine-sweeping game was invented by China Little Pot Friends! )

A night friend wears braces and sleeps in the lower bunk in high school. She is in the upper bunk.

One summer, Russia was playing with her mobile phone in bed when she suddenly heard herself laughing.

So I asked her, and she quickly said, "Don't look at Russia."

I looked at her curiously and saw her face sticking to the mosquito net and giggling. I said, "Are you okay?"

She: "MD, my braces can't hold the mosquito net." ~