A cold joke for customers

1, I really wanted to eat knife-cut cakes, and I was afraid that the knife-cut cakes seller would extort a large sum of money, so I stuffed 50 yuan for my son and told him, "No matter what the uncle who sells knife-cut cakes said, just say that you only have 50 yuan on you." My son did it, so I'm going to the bank to get the ransom.

Liu Bei refused to return Jingzhou, and Sun Quan sent people to collect debts many times. Liu Bei took great pains to call Zhuge Liang: "Kong Ming, give him half of the cake!" " It is said that Sun Quan later attached himself to Sun Shangxiang.

In Ferrari store, I opened my schoolbag and put it in front of the shop assistant. There is a big cut cake in it. I said to the salesman, go through the formalities. I want the red 458. She blushed with fear and shivered to break off a small piece from it and give it back to me. I asked strangely what this meant, and she said, both. . Full payment. . . Give a 97% discount. ?

4. Liu Bei visited the thatched cottage three times, and finally saw Zhu Gekongming and Kong Ming's article "The Picture in the Dragon", which made Liu Bei wake up from a rude awakening and had to applaud. Liu Bei cried and said, I really hope to see you soon! It's just that Mr. Wang lives in seclusion here How can he be so familiar with Cao Cao, Sun Quan and Liu Biao? Kong Ming laughed and whispered, I "quietly pay attention" to them.

5, the dormitory is generally like a morgue in the morning, and occasionally swindles the corpse to go to the toilet; Afternoon is like a nursing home. Most people are lying in bed, and only a few people with hemiplegia can pick up their mobile phones and have a look. The night is like a madhouse, crying, laughing and screaming; In the middle of the night, it's like secret service. White light and blue light flickered on the face and the keyboard kept ringing.

6. Lu Yu Two old people are playing chess, and the pony is watching. The plate is in a hurry. For ten minutes, the two old people have been thinking. After a long time, one of them looked up and asked, Who is it? The other party replied: I don't know!

7. Liu Bei has nowhere to live. He borrowed Jingzhou from Sun Quan and didn't want to return it. Sun Quan sent Lu Su to ask for it, and Liu Bei hanged himself. Lu Su had to go to Kong Ming: Liu Bei was at least an uncle, so he became a nail house.

8. A young man casually threw cans on the side of the road. A policeman came over and said, "It's uncivilized. If everyone is like you …" Just after the voice fell, an old man in rags replied, "Then I will be rich."

9. It is said that you can't comb your hair at night. Combing your hair at night is easy to attract ghosts. Try it tonight! When you brush your hair lightly, you see ghosts appearing bit by bit. You open your eyes and look intently, only to hear you exclaim: Ah, dandruff!

10, there are no birds in the mountains, and they are all summing up; Looking up, I found it was moonlight, and bowed my head to write a summary. Looking at the cold mountain from a distance, the stone path is oblique, and the summary is written in the depths of white clouds; If relatives and friends in Luoyang ask each other, say that I am writing a summary; Sitting up critically ill, I haven't written a summary today; Flowers are similar every year, and summaries are written every year; Destined to meet thousands of miles away, there is no chance to go home and write a summary; Looking for him in the crowd, I suddenly turned around and the man was writing a summary.

Cold joke sentence

1. The farmer tried to kill the rooster but couldn't catch it, so he grabbed the hen and said to the rooster, Don't come down, let you be a bachelor! Rooster: You fucking think I'm stupid. If I fall, she will become a widow.

2. My neighbor's child is called Zhu Chuan. Every time his mother buys clothes for him, she always tells people that they are clothes for our family Zhu Chuan.

Many years ago, a remote mountain village just had electricity, and every household used light bulbs. An old lady somehow turned off the light and blew it like a kerosene lamp for a long time, but it still didn't go out. She said to herself, "This new thing is really good, windproof."

4. Give you a watermelon. When you are in a bad mood, you can use a small knife to cut and cut. At the same time, you can vent and shout loudly: I kill melons, I kill melons, I kill melons!

A shy boy finally got up the courage to ask his beloved girl: What kind of boy do you like? The girl said: It's very congenial. The boy asked again, but he had to say sadly, why not have a flat head?

6. A woman bought breakfast with counterfeit money, and the stall owner was annoyed: Elder sister, even if you give counterfeit money, at least it is printed, your bill is actually painted! To say the least, forget to draw. You can draw five tens or seven.

7. Have you eaten? You should eat this. If you haven't eaten, don't look yet.

8. A farmer was walking on the ridge with two loads of dung. A man went up and asked, Grandpa, how much is this sauce a catty? The farmers didn't make a sound. The man reached out and dipped a little into his mouth and tasted it, thinking, I won't tell you how much a catty is unless you tell me.

9. This wolf cub has been a vegetarian since birth. Father and mother wolf racked their brains to train their cubs to hunt. Finally, the machete son, who pleased Sirius's parents, ran after the rabbit crazily. The wolf cub grabbed the rabbit and said, boy! Hand over the carrots!

10. Letters and numbers fight, and the number 1 and 3 form the letter B to penetrate the enemy. Not long after, 1 and 3 came back, with dark eyes and black and blue bodies. Everyone asked them how they did it. 1 and 3 cried and answered: all the letters except the biggest A are lowercase letters.

1 1. Someone rode into the street, passed an intersection and spread his hand. When the traffic police saw it, they exclaimed: Good palms! Someone waved happily and replied: comrades have worked hard!

12. When I am angry, I will pick up the phone and dial the foreign number. Without adding 0, I will soon hear someone say to me: I'm sorry. . .

13. What wakes me up every day is neither peeing. It is not an alarm clock, nor a dream, but poverty. . .

14. Doing nothing every day is also a kind of pain. God, for my piety's sake, let me bear this pain alone! !

15. On the first night when Hua Mulan joined the army as her father, she wrote to Sun, the widow of the village chief, saying, It's a great loss that you didn't come!

16. I always thought the air was free until I bought a bag of potato chips.

17. I heard that I can find the check-in record online now, and I immediately panicked. How embarrassing it would be if someone found out that I had never opened a house!

18. after careful investigation by the police, the criminals finally surfaced, and the director made a decisive decision: get them out quickly!

19. Couple, male: "Since we were together, we have been out for a barbecue every night, and my beer belly has been eaten." Woman: "I didn't expect the crystallization of our love to be reflected in you first."

20. I quarreled with my wife today. I said to her: Do you believe I hit your husband? Then I slapped myself. She looked at me and said I dare, and then she snapped. I was slapped again ... Gemma didn't play by the rules!

Short sentences and cold jokes

1, my class teacher's surname is Hou. In class that day, Mr. Hou farted and we all held our breath. At this time, Mr. Hou's phone rang, and the bell was very shocking. "Monkey Brother, you are really something ..." Alas, the homework that day doubled! 2, go to the pizza shop to buy pizza! The waiter asked me whether to cut it into 8 pieces or 12 pieces. I thought about it and said: 8 yuan! 12 can't eat!

Seeing that the pervert was about to succeed, I used my quick wits to take out a bottle of concentrated sulfuric acid and poured it on the girl's face to save her.

For patients with fever, eat it while it is hot.

Men's brains like women's hearts, but their eyes like women's appearance.

6. Once upon a time, there was a very bad person. He bullied the poor everywhere and did nothing good. Finally one day, he had a dream. His ancestors told him that something would happen to him. Then he got scared. He wrote it on the calendar. On that day, he planned to sleep in bed and not go anywhere. I held it for a day, and finally at 23: 59 that night, he couldn't hold it any longer and shit on his pants. He rubbed his shit, damn it, I really shit!

7. If you eat properly, you will have the strength to lose weight.

8. The government thinks about how to tax reasonably, the boss thinks about how to avoid taxes reasonably, and I think about how to sleep reasonably!

9. When a man meets a woman, there is only an anniversary, not an independence day.

10, knowledge is like underwear, invisible but important.

1 1. Love is like a ghost. Many people believe it, but few people see it.

12, children always kick the quilt when they sleep. Fortunately, I broke my leg, or I caught a cold.

13, 18 I'm not a prince. Why do girls always think they should be a princess when they see me?

14, can sensitively recognize parents' footsteps coming home, and turn off the TV or computer or mobile phone within 20 seconds, and immediately spread out the homework, but you can't stop ... childhood skills tell me that I am not alone!

15. In front of the China team, the Thai team wearing the yellow jersey also had the demeanor of the Brazilian team in a trance.

16, what are you unhappy about? Say it to make everyone happy.

17, I have a little thought, but I don't lack it; I have a good temper, but not without it!

18, you don't know what dependence is until you lose your belt.

19, women like ugly men, not ugly men.

I just bought a cup yesterday, but it didn't sound right, so I gave it to my brother. Q: Is it plastic or glass? Brother took it and threw it against the wall, then took the fragment and said, glass! I am Genghis Khan! I just bought a new cup yesterday!

2 1. In junior high school, there was a very powerful male classmate who sat at the same table with a woman. He plays Wenquxing under the table in class, and women watch him play on the table. As a result, the class teacher saw him at the back door. Call them to the office after class and ask, what are you two doing? That wonderful thing actually said: my pants zipper is broken, and I am repairing the zipper. I don't know what she is looking at. ...

22. Men in bars are looking for excitement, while women are mostly looking for excitement.

23. After the dean ate Mapo's tofu, she was chopped more than twenty times by Mapo on the spot.

24. Time is for wandering, body is for loving, life is for forgetting, and soul is for singing.

25. Input QSL Apocalypse with your input method, which is definitely a game enthusiast; Will the student party play In the Dormitory? Which proud and lovely girl will play "angry"; Type "Go to sleep", are you a goddess! ! ! If it is "poor death", diaosi knows everything. What did you hit? ! Dare to say?

26. Xiaoming was hungry in the middle of the night and gave birth to a nest of pigeons.

27. When I was shopping today, a child on the roadside suddenly spat at me! But as a college student, the quality is still very high. I will give him five dollars. Then he said to him, son, you spit on me and I'll give you 5 yuan. If you spit on others, others will give it to you! I left smartly. I just hope that the child will not be killed!

28. Late at night, I was tossing and turning, and I couldn't sleep at night, so I sent a text message to my friend and sister: I am very depressed, let's chat with me. Soon, my sister wrote back: OK, what do you want to talk about? The topic is up to you. I thought about it and answered happily, so let's talk about something heavier, such as your weight. After a silence, my sister replied: Is this too heavy? Then let's talk about something superficial, such as your IQ!

29. I can tolerate that my figure is fake, my face is fake, my chest is fake and my ass is fake! But I just don't tolerate money. Yes!

30. If you look like a steamed stuffed bun, don't blame the dog for following.

3 1, only women and heroes are sad, and only wives and jobs are hard to find.

32, salted fish turn over, or salted fish.

33. My special supervisor Xiong Haizi listened to my mother's admonition in the house today: Don't talk when I say one, two, three! One! Two! Xiong Haizi immediately replied: one two three four five six seven eight nine X. ...

34. Divide after a long time, and close after a long time; Drinking will drive you crazy. You will drink every glass of wine.

35. Xiao Li: Do you often wash your feet, Lao Ma? Ma Lao: Well, Xiao Li: How often? Ma Lao: I pay great attention to hygiene and wash my feet every day. Xiao Li: Oh, do you wash your front or back feet first? Ma Lao: Shit!

36. I am chatting with my cousin. I want to ask what she is doing, so I ask, what are you doing now? As a result, my cousin did what she said, and she only charged me half the money when she saw me as a cousin. I said I didn't expect you to do this. I feel sorry for your parents. I'm too sad to stop. Is my cousin that kind of person? I'll give the whole ticket ...

37. Marriage is to wear cotton-padded clothes freely. It's inconvenient to move, but it will be warm.

38. After insisting on the murderer, the police never let go of biting the suspect's mouth.

39. The driver sent the leader to the literary evening, and the leader entered the venue. The driver was stopped by the security guard. The driver said: I am a system with the leader. The security guard said: Chicken X is also a system with eggs. Chicken x goes in, can eggs go in?

40. Women are made of water, men are made of mud, and Li Junji and Chris Lee are both made of cement.

Cold joke daquan

A: "Why are you so tall? You are over 1.7 meters tall. Your parents are so tall? " B: "No, my parents are only over 1.6 meters." A: "Oh ~ the gene has mutated ~" B suddenly became anxious and shouted: "Where has it mutated?" My uncle is one meter eight! "

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Father and son are sleeping. They hear the newlyweds making a lot of noise next door. Because the sound insulation effect is not good, the son asked, "Dad, what is this noise?" Dad calmly replied: "this is Japanese, you will understand when you grow up!" " "

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I accidentally stepped on a middle-aged woman's shoe in the street today. As soon as she cried, she shouted, "You are blind. Do you know how expensive my shoes are? " I can't afford to sell you because you are poor! "I was so scared that I immediately knelt down and pleaded," Rich woman, rich woman, let's be friends. "

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Since I was a child, I have had an old enemy who called someone else's child. This other children never play games, never talk about QQ, and know how to study every day. He is good-looking and obedient. He returned to the first grade, and a rich boyfriend, graduate students and civil servants were admitted. He earns 7,000 yuan a month, can cook, do housework and speak eight foreign languages. Studying abroad for one month is too much.

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In this lonely world, except 10086, who will send messages to me, and 10086, who will answer my phone call immediately, and 10086, who will care about my phone bill, will send blessings every season and turn on the phone 24 hours a day.

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In order to prove that spiders' hearing is on their feet, experts made an experiment. He first put a spider on the experimental platform, and then shouted at the spider to scare it away! ! ! Then I grabbed the spider back, cut off all its feet and yelled at the spider. The spider really didn't move! ! ! So the expert published a paper, which proved that the spider's hearing is on the foot.

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Shenzhen Development Bank launched a female-themed credit card with the slogan "I want to develop with you". Some busybodies added: "Everbright won't do."

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The first cold joke in human history: In ancient times, two monkeys were walking on the road. Walking, one said, "Hey, why are we standing?" After a while, another man turned around and said, "... aren't we monkeys?" "How can you talk? "

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I am a senior three student. One day, I watched H-movies alone in the dormitory. Roommate pushed the door and went in. I quickly minimized and pretended to be playing games. He gave me a look and said simply that four years later, our brothers still failed to treat each other as brothers.

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A couple, after years of hard work, bought a villa with sea view. Because of the great pressure to repay the mortgage, I still have to go out early and return late every day. However, what his nanny does most every day is sunbathing, watching the sea and drinking coffee with his dog on the balcony. ...

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Signature of a netizen: I wish him how old he is, and he will live as many points as the teacher gives me. As a result, an awesome person in the class added some words before and after the horizontal line filled in by the teacher on the test paper, which became "Teacher, I wish you live to _ _ _ _ _ _".

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I received a text message: "Today 15: 3 1, my wife is going to sleep with someone else's husband. I have to wash, change clothes and take a bath happily, and I can't help but let him carry a gun. " After reading it, I can't understand it. When I saw the sender, my god, there was such good news of giving birth!

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Some netizens: I was a virgin for 2 1 year, and it finally became 22 years the night before yesterday …

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"Wife, you are the cutest person I have ever seen! ~ ""Trojan horse! ~ Husband, I like you who have never seen the world ... "

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Teacher: "Daxiong, the teacher gave you 90 yuan, and then you borrowed 10 yuan from Pang Hu. How much money do you have?"

Nobita: "0 yuan."

Teacher: "You don't know math at all!" " "

Nobita: "You don't know anything about Pang Hu! ! ! "

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Zaiyi snack bar

In summer, the weather is very hot.

About 40 degrees.

A woman said, "Boss, give me a drink."

The boss said, "Do you want something cold?"

The woman said angrily, "Don't you know that the woman has been ill for several days?" ! "

The boss said impatiently, "Who knows, you don't have a sanitary towel on your face."

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When I saw a slogan in the public toilet, "You can't urinate, which means you are short, and you can't urinate, which means you are soft" ... I felt that the pear was very big.