Funny jokes

A man raised a pig and was annoyed by it, so he wanted to throw it away. However, the pig knew the way home, so he threw it away many times without success. One day, the man abandoned the pig in his car. That night he called his wife and asked, "Has the pig returned?" His wife said, "Yes." The man was very angry and yelled, "Hurry up and let him answer the phone. I'm lost." ”

The real reason for the rise in domestic pork prices

My son asked: Dad, why is the price of pork rising?

The father told him kindly: Son, all the pigs in China were taken to play football by a man named Zhu Guanghu, and there are no domestic products.

My son said it wrong! It was because Zhu Guanghu said that the Asian Cup was going to be in the top four, which made all the pigs in the country laugh to death!

Three Turtles

The three turtles decided to drink coffee. As soon as they arrived at the door of the coffee shop, it started to rain. So the biggest turtle said to the smallest turtle, "Go home and get your umbrella."

The smallest turtle said, "If you don't drink my coffee, I will go."< /p>

"We won't drink." The other two turtles agreed.

Two years later, the big turtle said to the middle turtle, "Well, I guess he won't come back. We can drink his coffee." At this moment, a voice came from outside the door. Come, "If you drink, I won't go."

The frozen parrot

David received a parrot on his birthday. The parrot had a bad attitude and vulgar language. Every word he said was swearing, and those that were not swearing were rude to say the least.

David tried his best to change the parrot's attitude, insisting on speaking politely, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to set a good example.

But all to no avail. He growled at the bird, which only made matters worse. He shook the bird as hard as he could, and the parrot became angrier and more rude. Finally, after a moment of despair, David put the parrot in the refrigerator. After a while he heard the birds grumbling, kicking, and screaming—and then suddenly silence.

David was frightened. He quickly opened the refrigerator door for fear of hurting the bird. The parrot calmly walked up to David's outstretched arm and said: I'm sorry, my words and actions may have offended you, and I ask for your forgiveness. I will try my best to correct my behavior. "

David was surprised by the drastic change in its attitude, and was about to ask what caused such an amazing change, but the parrot continued to ask: "Can I ask what that chicken did? "

Jesus on the Cross

Jesus, who was tied to the cross, said: "Peter, come here. Peter thought Jesus was about to tell him a profound religious truth. He walked toward Jesus, but the Roman soldiers pushed him back. Jesus called again: "Peter, come here." Peter was pushed back again by the Roman soldiers. Jesus called a third time: "Peter, come here." "Peter rushed over with all his strength. Peter, who had multiple wounds on his body with blood on his body, said, "Master, what's wrong? Jesus looked at Peter and said, "I can see your house from here!" "

Genius children

Teacher: "Xiao Ming, please make a sentence using the word 'sure enough'. "

Xiao Ming: "Eat water 'fruit' first, then drink soda..."

Teacher: "No, no, you can't mix 'fruit' with 'ran' Two words separate!

Xiao Ming: "Teacher, don't worry, I haven't finished speaking yet. The whole sentence is - eat the fruit first, and then drink the soda. Sure enough, you have diarrhea." ”

Everyone has his own plan

A man got into a taxi. When he was almost at the destination, he realized that he had no money on him. He was under the seat cushion of the car, on both sides, After groping around underground, the driver asked him what he was doing. "I dropped a 50-yuan note in the car. It was too dark in the car and I couldn't find it for a while." He added: "I'm going to the shop opposite to buy a pack of cigarettes and then I'll come back. Please stop the car for a while." "The car stopped. He quickly walked into the small shop and looked back. As he expected, the taxi had already gone somewhere.

Can't bear it

The bus was crowded with people. A man sat there with his eyes closed.

“Are you feeling uncomfortable? " asked a passenger next to me.

"No, I just can't bear to see the pregnant woman standing. ”

Is it a boy or a girl?

The wife was in labor, and the husband and his relatives gathered around the delivery room and waited anxiously.

Finally, a nurse brought the newborn over, and everyone gathered around: "Is it a boy or a girl?" The husband wanted to know the result most, so he put his hand into the baby's swaddling clothes in a hurry. As soon as he fumbled around,

he shouted happily: "It's a boy!"

"What boy!" the nurse shouted angrily, "Let go of my fingers!" ! ”

Too early, too late

Both friends Zhang and Li are surprisingly stingy. Once, when Zhang was inviting guests, Li saw that there was only one egg on the table. Zhang explained: "Brother Li came too early! If he had come later, the egg would have hatched into chicks, and they would have had a good meal when they grew up."

Not long after, Li invited Zhang again. When Zhang arrived, he saw only two pairs of bamboo chopsticks on the table. Li explained: "You came a little too late this time. If you had come earlier, these bamboo chopsticks would still be bamboo shoots and they would taste good.

A man opened an account in a bank and entrusted the bank clerk to fill in the documents for him. Table.

The clerk asked him: "What's your name?" ”

“Feferferrero Bibibidlovic Papalic. "

"I'm sorry, sir, do you stutter? "

"No, it was just that my father stuttered, and the official who registered my birth just wrote it down. "

A man was walking on the road and wanted to find someone to ask the time. He happened to see someone standing on the roadside, so he stepped forward and asked: "Excuse me, what time is it now

Up? "

The man didn't reply and handed the watch to him.

"I, I, I, I can't see clearly, please tell me. "

The man still didn't speak, and handed the watch closer to him.

"Maomaomao, I can't see clearly, you, you, you tell me. ”

“Tell me about the hammer. As soon as I start talking, you, you, you, you, talk about me, I want to learn from you. "

Relieve the discomfort

A man ran into the smoking car and shouted anxiously: "There is a lady in the next car who has fainted. Who brought whiskey?" Someone among the passengers quickly took out whiskey. The man took the bottle, opened it immediately, raised his head and drank a few big sips, then returned the bottle to the passenger and said, "Thank you very much." I feel bad when I see a lady faint. Much better now. "

Examination

One of the questions in the philosophy test is: "If this is a question, please answer it. "One student wrote succinctly: "If this is the answer, please rate it. "He got excellent.