hilarious jokes (ten)

Examiner: What academic qualifications?

Candidate: Didn’t graduate from elementary school.

Examiner: Have you ever had a fight?

Candidate: It’s commonplace.

Examiner: Do you have a criminal record?

Candidate: Just came out.

Examiner: What about physical fitness?

Candidate: It’s okay. You can knock over the vendor’s tricycle with one kick.

Examiner: Do you dare to take other people’s things?

Candidate: This is my strength, just like taking my own things.

Examiner: Do you dare to hit me?

Candidate: Xiaocai, my father made me disabled.

Examiner: You passed the exam. What our urban management department needs is talents like you!

Examiner: One more question, what should I do if something goes wrong?

Candidate: Just say I am a temporary worker.

Examiner: I will go to work tonight

2. One day on the bus, a man and a woman collided due to crowding. .

The fashionable girl turned around and said, "Are you sick?"

The man felt confused and replied, "Do you have any medicine?"

Car The Master snickered!

The woman felt angry and replied: "Are you mentally ill?"

The man said coldly: "Can you cure it?"

The whole car People are laughing!

The bus driver stopped and leaned on the steering wheel laughing!

Two things:

The bus was overcrowded and there was a woman standing at the door.

A GG squeezed in from behind the car and wanted to get out of the car. He said to the woman: "Make way and get out of the car."

The woman did not move.

GG stepped on her when he squeezed past.

The woman turned out to be very powerful. She kept scolding: "You're crazy! You're crazy!" She was so loud that the whole car was watching.

GG remained silent. When he got off the car, he couldn't bear it any longer. He turned around and said to the woman, "You're the repeater!"

There were a few funny children behind, who kept talking. Act out the scene just now,

A said: "You are crazy, you!..." B said: "You are a repeater, you..."

Everyone in the car Laughing loudly~!

Later, a little girl also wanted to get out of the car. She squeezed past and said timidly: "I~I~I want to go on, I am not crazy~!"

Everyone in the car Laughing again~!

The woman did not speak, but a word floated from the side: "Are you out of battery?"

The whole car couldn't stop laughing~!

3. Confucius said: Use bricks to shout when fighting, it will not lead to chaos! Take a photo! Never die again!

Buddha said; nonsense! My Buddha is compassionate! Don't play too much! A brick is almost dead! ! !

On Monday, I got on the bus with nothing but the 1 yuan for the ride. Sitting from the starting station to the final station, I felt calm all the way. But when I got off the bus at the terminal, I found a note in my pants: "Isn't it a shame for an adult to go out without taking anything with him? --"

On Tuesday, I carried a broken wallet , containing 1 cent. After arriving at the terminal, I found that the money was still there, and a note was stuffed in the wallet: "We are not beggars, please don't insult our profession.--"

On Wednesday, I still broke my wallet. There were 100 counterfeit bills inside. After arriving at the terminal, I found that the money was still there, and a note was stuffed in the wallet: "It is illegal to hide large denominations privately, please go to the relevant department and hand it in. -- "

Thursday , I took an envelope with a stack of expired Straits Talent Newspaper in it. After arriving at the terminal, I found that the envelope was still there. I took out the newspaper and looked at it. The newspaper had been replaced by the latest Straits Talent News. I took a note with me: "This is the era of consultation. Only by updating information in a timely manner can we seize opportunities and win success." ! -- ”

On Friday, I put a toy mobile phone in my pocket. When I arrived at the terminal, I still had my phone with an extra note: "Please don't make this joke and affect the normal work of our company. --"

On Saturday, I took a toy pistol and stuck it on my waist.

After arriving at the terminal, I found that the gun was missing and a note was stuffed in the waistband of my trousers: "I hate you robbers the most, you have no technical skills at all! Confiscate the crime tools! --"

On Sunday, I I was about to get on the bus, but there were too many people and I couldn’t squeeze in. While I was waiting for the next bus, I touched my pocket and found an extra 20 bucks, and a note: "Brother, it's not easy for people in our line of work to be exposed to the sun and wind all day long. I would like to give you 20 bucks." , take a taxi wherever you want to go, please don't tease us any more"

6. There were too many people on the bus one day. It was very hot and stuffy. I don't know who farted. Now the environment is getting worse. My friend really couldn't bear it, and he didn't know who it was, so there was nothing he could do. Just then, the conductor was asking: "Who didn't buy a ticket?" My friend suddenly had an idea and said loudly: "The one who farted didn't buy a ticket!" Suddenly, a very fat woman held the ticket high in her hand and said loudly: "I have already bought a ticket!"

On July 7, a sculpture was completed in a new university building: a girl holding a book in her left hand and a dove symbolizing peace in her right hand. The school publicly solicited names from students, and many people's slogans coincided with each other - studying is useless!

9. The situation of losing bicycles in school is very serious. New bicycles disappear in the blink of an eye. However, sometimes you are lucky and the lost bicycle will appear again every few days. One day, Xiao Jing, a classmate in the same dormitory, bought a new transmission car. She showed off to everyone she met and said, "I have installed the latest lock on this car!" The next day, Xiao Jing returned from studying at night, looking depressed. He looked like he was holding a piece of paper in his hand, which said: Don't think there are no experts here. I borrowed the car and will return it to you in a few days!

A few days later, the thief actually returned the car. Xiaojing was very happy, but she was worried that the car would be "borrowed" again. So I bought ten big locks, locked the car tightly, and put a note on the thief: Let's see how you can "borrow" it! When Xiaojing went downstairs the next morning, she found that there were five more locks on the car, and there was a note on the lock: Let's see how you keep riding!

10. There were three little tadpoles. They went to a restaurant to eat... After waiting for a while, the first dish was served... It was fried frogs..

Three little tadpoles. They all sang in unison: I don’t want to, I don’t want to, don’t want to grow up...

11, one day, Cao Cao captured Liu Bei, Guan Yu, and Zhang Fei. Cao Cao said to the three of them, each of you go to the orchard and choose a fruit. After a while, Zhang Fei brought out an apple. Cao Cao said that if they could put the fruit into their butts, he would let them go. Zhang Fei tried for a while, but failed and was killed. After a while, Guan Yu came out with three grapes. Cao Cao also said the same thing to him, and Guan Yu began to stuff them... When he stuffed the third grape, Guan Yu suddenly burst into laughter, and the grapes were smashed. was killed. After going down to the underworld, the King of Hell asked Guan Yu: "You are so stupid, why are you laughing? If you don't laugh, you won't die." Guan Yu sighed and said, "I don't want to either! God is jealous of the beauty! When I stuffed the third one, suddenly I saw Brother Liu walking out with a durian in his arms..."

12. Yesterday, I went to KFC to eat. The people in line behind me looked like a couple. I saw them ordering a lot of food, and then Sit next to me. After sitting down, the girl began to eat voraciously, as if she had been hungry for several days, while the boy nibbled on the French fries one by one, as if he had something on his mind.

Suddenly, the boy put down the fries, moved forward, and asked seriously: "Qingqing, can I chase you?"

The girl said directly without raising her head. : "No!"

The boy asked again: "Isn't it possible at all?"

The girl simply said: "It's not possible at all!"

The boy was stunned, looking straight at her and staying there...

At that time, the girl was holding a chicken leg in one hand and a burger in the other. She felt that the boy was looking at her, so she stopped eating, and then He looked at the boy with pitiful eyes and whispered: "Then...can I still eat it?"

Everyone next to me, including me, laughed out loud. The boy was helpless and hurriedly said : "Eat, eat..."

This girl is so cute... If I don't let you chase me, I will definitely chase you... I'll chase her with my life! ! ! !

13. I have always been restless in school. When I was a freshman, I went to self-study for the first time. I would sit in the classroom and feel depressed, and then I would go to the corridor to smoke.

Just after lighting up the cigarette, a PL girl came and asked, "We are studying in self-study now! Why did you run out?"

I said, I came out to smoke out of boredom. ,MM which class are you in? He ran out anyway.

PLMM pointed to our classroom and said, "That class!"

I was very excited and said, are we in the same class? What, are you depressed too?

She said: Well, a new student in our class ran out during self-study, and I came out to look for him.

I smiled, but it seems that there is still someone who can’t sit still. Why are you looking for him? You are not his mother!

MM: There is no way, I am his class teacher!

I was confused at the time...

After a minute, I held back a sentence: Teacher, you look so young...

My father is a worker in a glass factory. , have the habit of wearing gloves when working.

One day after the night shift, he took a taxi home. As the car passed through a small forest in the suburbs, a cool breeze came. Dad felt a little cold, so he took out his gloves from his pocket and put them on. The driver saw it in the rearview mirror and asked cautiously: "Brother, what are you doing?"

"Oh, it's nothing, I'm used to it. , I have to wear gloves every time I work, so that I will not cut myself or leave traces..."

A middle-aged man went to a local private hotel on a business trip. .

When dining the first night, the middle-aged man saw a few stains on the edge of the dish and was very worried.

He asked the hotel owner: "This dish doesn't look clean." The boss replied: "Don't worry, the mineral water will make it very clean."

Hear With such an answer, the middle-aged man started eating with great peace of mind.

A week passed. The middle-aged man ate at the hotel every day and became familiar with a big dog in the hotel.

When the middle-aged man stepped out of the door, the dog reluctantly caught up with him and clung to him, refusing to let him leave.

The hotel owner saw it, walked up and patted the dog on the head, and said softly: "Let the guest go, mineral water."

The hunter was hunting and saw something on the tree. Two birds, raised a gun to shoot down one, and found that it was a hairless one. Just as he was wondering, another bird flew down and cursed the hunter: Damn it, I just coaxed her to take off her clothes, and you shot her down. . .

A certain restaurant keeps a parrot hanging at the door. When a guest arrives, he says: "Hello, welcome!" A regular guest thought: I'll come in quickly and see how you react. One day he "sneered" and ran away. After entering, the parrot said: "His grandma's! It scared me!!!"

A child in the delivery room laughed loudly after being born. The delivery nurse was very strange. They gathered around and observed that the child had clenched fists. After breaking it open, it was found to be an abortion pill. The child said: Damn it! Want to kill me? Not that easy! !

At the end of the performance, the leader came on stage and took the hand of the beautiful Mongolian actress, and kept asking her her name. The actress said excitedly: Malegebi

Stand higher and see farther; if the water is clear, there will be no fish, and if the people are humble, they will be invincible! Go your own way and let someone else take a taxi. Wear someone else's shoes and let someone else find them.

What is depression? I was beaten three times on one, I was hugged by someone, my wallet was stolen, my wife ran away with someone, the only porridge left at home was sour after smelling it, my eyes rolled up, I went to the hospital for treatment. The car fell into a ditch!

Mooncake fell in love with Mantou and pursued her desperately, but Mantou refused to obey. Mooncake is sad: (Hong Kong accent) What is this for? Steamed Bun: My mother said, your stomach is full of intestines.

One day the hen flew up to the roof, and the owner angrily said, "Come down, if you don't come down I will kill all the roosters here, and your life will be worse than death." The hen laughed and said, "Finally we can." "Going to find ducks."

An American, a Frenchman and a Chinese were walking in the desert. As they walked, they saw a bottle, and after opening the cork, a man floated out. The man said: "I am a god, and I can grant each of you three wishes!" The American was the first to say, "My first wish is for a lot of money." The god said: "This is simple and satisfying. You! Tell me about your second wish.

The American said: "I want a lot of money!" After the fairy fulfilled his wish, the American said his third wish: "Take me home." The god said: "No problem." "So the American returned to the United States with a lot of money. The fairy asked the French again. The French said: "I want a beautiful woman!" The fairy gave him the beauty. The French said again: "I want a beautiful woman!" The fairy was also satisfied. The Frenchman finally said: "Send me back to France." "After the fairy sent the Frenchman back home, he asked the Chinese what they wanted. The Chinese said: "Let's have a bottle of Erguotou first. "The fairy gave it to him and asked him what his second wish was. The Chinese said: "Another bottle of Erguotou!" The fairy asked him what his third wish was. The Chinese said: "I miss the French and Americans. You get them all back. "The French and Americans were extremely popular, but they had no choice but to continue walking. As they walked, they saw another bottle. After opening the stopper, another person came out. The person said: "I am the fairy just now. Brother, my magic power is not as strong as his, so I can only fulfill two wishes for each of you. "The French and the Americans agreed that it would be better to let the Chinese talk first, lest they come back later. So the Chinese said: "Then let's have a bottle of Erguotou first. "The immortal fulfilled his wish. The French and Americans urged the Chinese to tell the second wish quickly. After drinking Erguotou, the Chinese said to the immortal calmly: "Okay, it's okay, you go now. Bar. "An American, a Japanese, and a Chinese were exploring in the jungle. As a result, they were all captured by a cannibal tribe. But the tribal chief said: "I am in a good mood today and will not eat you, but you will all have to suffer a hundred blows. But before you get stuck, you can have one wish come true. "The American was the one who got hit first. He said: "Before I get hit, put a cushion on my butt. "After padding, the boards fell like raindrops; at first, 70 boards were okay, but after 70 boards, the seat cushions were smashed, and then the boards were bloody... After the beating, the Americans left feeling their buttocks. After seeing this, the Japanese asked for 10 A mattress. After 1, 2, 3...100, the Japanese stood up, patted their butts, and said it was fine; then they boasted about their ability to imitate and recreate, and wanted to sit back and watch the Chinese. What a show. The Chinese slowly lay down and said leisurely: "Come on, put the Japanese on my back." "...

I wish: "Everyone who reads my jokes will be happy every day." Thank you!!!