A complete collection of funny jokes

A China man suddenly had loose bowels when he was sightseeing in England. He rushed into the public toilet ~ ~ ~ and finally solved it. He came out triumphantly humming a song, only to find a large group of people looking at him in surprise. Only then did he realize that he had entered the ladies' room in a panic. "What should I do? I can't make a fool of myself, but I can't embarrass China people." He immediately put on a smile, bowed 9 degrees, shouted, "Sayonara, bye bye bye ~ ~" and then swaggered away. The crowd in the back frowned and muttered in disgust: "Oh, shit ~ ~ ~ Japanese! ! ！”

There was an American, a German, a Japanese and an China on a plane. Halfway through the plane, the captain suddenly ran out of gas. The captain announced that someone had to jump off the plane to reduce the weight, so the American showed his personal heroism and went to the hatch of the plane and shouted: Long live the United States and other countries! ! And then I jumped! The plane continued to fly ... At this moment, the captain announced that the weight was still too heavy, and one person had to jump! So the Germans stood up, walked to the hatch of the plane and shouted: Long live the German Empire! Also jumped down! The plane continued to fly ..... At this moment, the captain announced: No, it's still heavy, and one more person must jump! China people took one look at the Japanese, stood up and walked to the hatch of the plane. The Japanese quickly came over and held the hand of China people tightly: "Good brother, I won't forget you! China people shouted: Long live the Chinese people and the country! ! Then I kicked the Japanese down with one foot! !

There's a hide-and-seek club, and its head hasn't been found yet.

There was a man who looked like an onion and cried when he walked.

On a hot afternoon, a match head tickled, scratched and caught fire. So he went to the hospital for dressing, and when he came out, he became a cotton swab.

why don't you say hello to the rare steak? Because they don't know each other.

On a hot summer day, two bananas were walking on the road. The banana walking in front suddenly felt so hot. He said, It's so hot. I want to take off my clothes. As a result, he peeled off the skin. As a result, the banana at the back fell down.

Once upon a time, a steamed stuffed bun was walking on the road and felt hungry, so he ate himself. Once upon a time, there was a loaf of bread walking in the street. He felt hungry and ate himself. Once upon a time, there was a cotton candy who went to play ball for a long time. He said, "I'm so tired. I think I'm all soft."

once upon a time, there was a bird. He passed a cornfield every day, but unfortunately, one day there was a fire in that cornfield, and all the corn turned into popcorn! After the bird flew by ... it thought it was snowing, so it was cold.

Xiaoming got a new haircut and came to school the next day. The students saw his new hairstyle and laughed: Xiaoming, your head looks like a kite! Xiao Ming felt very wronged, so he ran outside and cried and cried, and he flew.

the fish said, "I keep my eyes open all the time in order to leave by your side." The water said, "I flow tirelessly all day long to hug you around." The pot said, "It's so stubborn when you're almost fucking ripe."

Xiao Bai looks like his brother. Do you know why? Because: it's really like Dabai.

A polar bear stayed alone on the ice in a daze, and when he was really bored, he began to pull out his fur, one ... two ... three ... and finally none was left, and then he died of cold.

put a V between two fingers. What is it? Yeah! Hands are shaking and stretching down. What is it? It's fallen leaves! Extend four fingers, what is it? FOUR, bend four fingers. What is it? WONDERFUL！ (curved FOUR)

When the millionaire drove past a village in a luxurious extended Lincoln sedan, he saw two beggars pulling grass to eat by the roadside, and the millionaire stopped immediately. "Why do you eat grass?" "We really don't have money ..." A beggar replied. "Really, get on the bus and go to my house." "I have a wife and two children at home ..." A beggar muttered. "Call them." The rich man pointed to another beggar. "And you, call your family, too." "My family has a large population. Besides my wife, there are five children." Said another beggar. "It doesn't matter, call them all, go!" In this way, the two beggars and their families got on the bus, but fortunately it was an extended bus. On the way to exercise, a beggar's wife said gratefully, "Boss, it's very kind of you to invite even a poor person like us home." Millionaire replied: "Nothing, I just came back from abroad, and my house has been neglected. The lawn in the yard may be more than one meter high, so you can eat enough."

Who will be eliminated from the game, the wolf, the tiger or the lion? Wolves because: Momotaro (eliminated wolves).

Once upon a time, there was a lamb. One day, he went out to play and met the wolf. The wolf said, "I will eat you!" " Guess what? As a result, the wolf ate the lamb.

One day, three little pigs built three huts to avoid being chased by the wolf. The wolf easily destroyed the straw house, wooden house and brick house. The three little pigs ran desperately, but they were caught up by the wolf. The three little pigs said desperately, it's up to you. We gave up, whatever you want. At this point, the wolf grinned and drooled and said, "Then tell me where Little Red Riding Hood is?"

When stones fight with rice cakes, they get angry and kick them into the sea.

Later, there was a couple who privately decided for life, but the man was going to do military service abroad. Before he left, he gave her a ring and agreed to meet her here with the ring in three years. Three years later, the woman didn't find the man, so she threw the ring into the sea in grief. Actually, it was the woman who remembered the wrong place. When the man came back, he couldn't find a woman, so he went fishing by the sea sadly. Suddenly, he caught something. Guess what it is. < P > It's a rice cake.

Later, he finally caught a fish and bit something hard while eating it. What do you think it is?

it's a fish bone.

Once upon a time, a man fished and caught a squid. Squid begged him: let me go! The man said, OK, then let me test you some questions. Squid is very happy and says, Take the exam! Then people roasted the squid.

This diver's movements are very difficult. He made a twist for three weeks, followed by a forward somersault for three and a half weeks, followed by a backward somersault for one month.

Why I don't want to be a teacher:

The best student

When I first went to class, I liked to go to school smoking. Especially when smoking enters school, it will attract the attention of many students. A few days later, after entering the school, several students admired me very much: "This brother, you are too tempered! How dare you smoke into school? What's your name? We will follow you in the future! " I replied, "I call the teacher!" " I was depressed for 2 minutes when they broke up!

A better student

This day, he was smoking happily outside the office. Suddenly, the cigarette was snatched away by someone. "What class are you in? You are so courageous! Actually smoking in front of the office! " I was so depressed that I pulled out two cigarettes. "Come, teacher! Don't tell the principal! "

the teacher was dumbfounded! Several other teachers fell under the table laughing.

Best Undercover

On the first day of class, I went very early, so I went to the classroom first to get to know the students. When I came to the classroom, those students were extremely active. Maybe I didn't speak, and they all regarded me as a student who failed the grade (am I that image? ), they all came to please me, hoping that I would protect them in the future. Even an unlucky student took out a cigarette for me. The bell rang at last. I took out my textbook, stepped onto the platform and said, "Class is over!" " The students below look cold.

revenge of the gentleman

One day, I was smoking while walking. Suddenly a man ran over and grabbed my cigarette: "What class are you in?" Actually so arrogant! " At first glance, it was a security guard. I was angry at that time: "Which student do you think has so much courage?" I am a teacher! " The security guard was depressed. "So-and-so teacher called me to come and catch it!" As soon as I heard the name, isn't this my former class teacher? Sure enough, he laughed and laughed not far away. I walked over and he was still smiling and said, "I didn't catch you smoking in high school for three years, but now I finally caught you!" "

examiner: what education?

examinee: I didn't graduate from primary school.

examiner: have you ever been in a fight?

examinee: it's common practice.

examiner: do you have a criminal record?

examinee: I just came out.

examiner: what about physical fitness?

Candidate: Not bad. You can kick over a peddler's tricycle with one foot.

Examiner: Dare to take other people's things?

examinee: this is my strong point, just like taking my own things.

examiner: does the old man dare to fight?

examinee: Xiao Cai, my father made me cripple.

Examiner: You have passed the exam. What our urban management needs is talents like you!

examiner: one more question, what should I do if something happens?

examinee: just say it's a temporary worker.

examiner: I'm going to work tonight.

One day on the bus, a man and a woman collided because of the crowd.

The fashionable girl looked back and said, "What's wrong with you?"

The man was puzzled and answered, "Do you have any medicine?"

people in the car snickered!

The woman felt angry and replied, "Are you mentally ill?"

The man said coldly, "Can you cure it?"

the whole car is laughing!

the bus driver stops and laughs on the steering wheel!

Second:

The bus was overcrowded and there was a woman standing at the door.

A GG came from behind the car to get off, and said to the woman, "Excuse me, get off".

that woman didn't move.

GG stepped on her when she pushed past.

As a result, the woman was so fierce that she kept cursing: "You are crazy! You are crazy! ~ ~ ",it's so loud that the whole car is watching it.

GG didn't speak all the time, so he couldn't stand it when he got off the bus. He turned to the woman and said, "Repeater!"

There are some funny children in the back, who keep playing the scene just now.

A said, "You are crazy! ..................................................................................................................................................................................

Later, a little MM wanted to get off the bus, too, and squeezed past and said timidly, "I ~ I ~ I want to go down, I'm not crazy ~!"

the whole car laughed again ~!

The woman didn't speak, but a word came from the side: "Are you out of power?"

the whole car was bursting with laughter ~!

Confucius said; Fight with bricks, don't play chaos! According to the head! Whether you die or not!

Buddha said; Bullshit! I am merciful! Don't play more! A brick is dead! ! !

on Monday, I got on the bus with nothing but 1 yuan for the ride. Sitting from the starting point to the terminal, I feel calm all the way. But when I got off at the terminal, I found a note in my pants: "It's not shameful to lose an adult when he goes out without anything." -"

Tuesday, I took a broken wallet with 1 cents in it. When I arrived at the terminal, I found that the money was still there, and a note was stuffed in my wallet: "We are not beggars, please don't insult our profession. -"

On Wednesday, I still broke my wallet, which contained 1 counterfeit bills. When I arrived at the terminal, I found that the money was still there, and a note was stuffed in my wallet: "It is illegal to hide large face value * *, so please turn it in to the relevant department consciously. -"

On Thursday, I took an envelope containing a stack of overdue Straits Talented People's Newspapers. When I arrived at the terminal, I found that the envelope was still there. I took out the newspaper and read it. The newspaper was replaced by the latest straits talent newspaper, with a note: "Now is the consulting era. Only by updating the information in time can we seize the opportunity and win success! -"

On Friday, I put a toy mobile phone in my pocket. After arriving at the terminal, the mobile phone was still there, and there was an extra note: "Please don't make this joke and affect the normal work of our company. -"

On Saturday, I took a toy pistol and stuck it in my waist. When I arrived at the terminal, I found that the gun was gone and a note was stuffed in my trousers: "I hate you robbers most, and you have no technical content at all!" Confiscate the tools of crime! -"

On Sunday, I was getting ready to get on the bus, but there were too many people to squeeze in. While waiting for the next bus, I felt in my pocket and found that there was an extra 2 yuan, and there was a note: "Big Brother, it's not easy to be in our business all day. Here's 2 yuan. You can take a taxi wherever you want, please don't mess with us."

There are too many people on the bus one day, which is particularly hot and particularly boring. I don't know who farted. My friend can't stand it, and I don't know who it is. I can't help it. As it happens, the conductor is asking, "Who didn't buy the ticket? "My friend suddenly had a plan and said loudly," The fart didn't buy a ticket! "Suddenly, a particularly fat woman, holding the ticket high in her hand, said loudly," I have already bought the ticket!

7, a sculpture was completed in the new building of a university: a girl held a book in her left hand and held a dove symbolizing peace in her right hand. The name was publicly collected from students outside the school, and as a result, many people's slogans coincided-reading is worth a bird!

The loss of bicycles in school is very serious, and the new ones disappear in the blink of an eye, but sometimes with luck, the lost bicycles will reappear every few days. One day, Xiao Jing, the same dormitory, bought a new transmission car. She flaunted everyone and said, "I locked this car with the latest lock! "The next day, Xiao Jing came back from his evening self-study and looked depressed. He also pinched a note in his hand, which read: Don't be a master here, I borrowed the car, and I will pay you back in a few days!

a few days later, the thief really returned the car. Xiao Jing was very happy, but she was worried that the car would be "borrowed" again. He bought ten big locks, locked the car tightly, and put a note on the thief: See how you can "borrow"! When Xiaojing went downstairs the next morning, he found five more locks on the car, and there was a note on the locks: See how you can ride!

There are three little tadpoles. They went to a restaurant to eat ... After a while, the first course was fried frogs ...

The three little tadpoles sang: I don't want to grow up ...

One day, Cao Cao arrested Liu Bei, Guan Yu and Zhang Fei. Cao Cao said to the three of them, each of you should go to the orchard and choose a fruit. After a while, Zhang Fei brought an apple out. Cao Cao said that if they could put the fruit they brought into their ass, they would be released. Zhang Fei tried for a while and failed, so he was killed. After a while, Guan Yu came out with three grapes, and Cao Cao said the same thing to him. Guan Yu began to stuff ... When he stuffed the third one, Guan Yu suddenly smiled, and as a result, he smashed the grapes and was killed again. After going to the underworld, the king of Yan asked Guan Yu, "You are so stupid, why are you laughing?" If you don't laugh, you won't die, "Guan Yu said with a sigh." I don't want to! Jealous beauty! When I stuffed the third one, I suddenly saw Brother Liu coming out with a durian in his arms ... "

Yesterday, I went to eat KFC, and the people behind me looked like a couple. Seeing that they ordered a lot of food, they sat down on me.