32 classic funny quotes from the Internet_laughing loudly

1. Human life is like shit. Sometimes you have worked very hard but all that comes out is just a fart.

2. If beauty is a letter of recommendation, then kindness is a credit card!

3. Most beautiful women are similar, but ugly women are different.

4. Don’t compare yourself to me, I’m too lazy to compare with you.

5. Although I believe in eachother, I may not believe in you

6. How can I have the strength to lose weight if I don’t eat enough?

7. Women who don’t eat There may be several women in this world, but there is not even one woman who is not jealous.

8. Others have a background, but all I have is a back view.

9. Life is all about being born and living.

10. Oh my God! My clothes have lost weight again.

11. Born, easy. Life is easy. Life is not easy.

12. If you are still young after visiting brothels, please use Huiren Shenbao.

13. Even if I haven’t been in the world for a long time, there will always be legends about me in the world

14. People can’t get along with each other just by being polite!

15. I would rather be proud and moldy than fall in humble love!

16. A scholar pretends to be dead to be a confidant, and a woman undergoes plastic surgery to please a confidant.

17. I will miss you very much after you leave, why haven’t you left yet!

18. Life is like Song Zude’s mouth, you never know who will be unlucky next

19. Don’t ask me again: How have you been recently?

20. The tongue lasts longer than teeth, and software lasts longer than hardware.

21. I am a little narrow-minded, but not lacking; I have a good temper, but not without it!

22. Listen to your words and save me ten books

23. In addition to teeth, there is love that is difficult to extricate yourself from.

24. Women often miss men; men often miss women.

25. I want to fall in love early, but it’s too late

26. People are afraid of being famous, pigs are afraid of being strong, men are afraid of having no money, and women are afraid of being fat.

27. Asking you how much sorrow you can have is like a group of eunuchs going to a brothel.

28. There is no rehearsal in life, every day is a live broadcast; not only the ratings are low, but the salary is not high.

29. The hooligans are not scary, but the hooligans are educated.

30. A woman’s wardrobe is like a harem, with countless beauties and only a few favorites.

31. People are not smart, so they still imitate others’ baldness!

32. Gold always shines, but when the ground is full of gold, I don’t even know it. Which one is it? 36 Classic Funny Quotations - Made You Laugh

1. My girlfriend ate 50 skewers of mutton skewers in one go, and her boyfriend said 5 words. Which 5 words did you say? Your mouth is so sexy

2. Simple question~Who were the five tiger generals of Shu during the Three Kingdoms period~I looked it up online and it was Pig~Xingya, Zilong, Binghe, Shun, and Yihui

3. Be friends with you , what is the minimum standard? It has to be a human being.

4. One of your good-looking friends of the opposite sex calls you in the middle of the night and wants to go out and book a hotel room with you. What should you do? Get out! I am a serious person! Where the hell are you going to seduce me?

5. Under what circumstances did your first kiss take place? When I was 6 years old, I said to a girl who was one year younger than me: If you don’t agree, I will push you into the ditch.

6. If you were in prison, what would you do to pass the time in prison? Digging a tunnel

7. Is anyone chasing you now? Yes, I owe her 30 yuan.

8. Someone rubs you the wrong way and tells you: Don’t worry, there is a secret to full automation. What should you do? When I beat him for kidney deficiency, I told him not to worry. There are Liuwei Dihuang Pills, which can treat kidney deficiency and do not contain sugar.

9. What is the most important thing you can learn from Lei Feng? I carried my sister-in-law and sent the child home.

10. How can two people who love each other stay together forever? They killed each other and buried them together.

11. Have you ever thought about committing suicide? I want to fucking kill you!

12. One of the most peculiar names of Beijing snacks, which expresses the state of an animal. They are sold in many places in Beijing! you guess? (Answer: Donkey rolling) Malachite green

13. When you are walking alone on the road, a member of the opposite sex comes to you and asks: Is this the earth? How do you answer? If it is a beautiful woman, I will say: I love you, Martian. If it is a dinosaur, I will say: Where did it come from? Go back to where you are.

14. Both girls like you, one is beautiful Talented, gentle and good at running a house, what do you choose? Divorce the family first

15. Your ex is getting married. Are you willing to attend her wedding? I just want to attend Ya's funeral!

16. Can you run 100 meters within 13 seconds now? Free fall?

17. What is the most valuable thing you stole while playing on Kaixin.com? Internet cafe mouse. ． ．

18. If you have to choose one of (1 Li Yuchun, 2 Sister Furong, 3 Ruhua, 4 Lu Xiulian), and then get married immediately, whichever one you choose, choose to die

19 A person can easily go to the stars Bake, sit there with a notebook all afternoon, what do you think? It's better than holding a notebook and sitting on Yonghe Soy Milk

20. If your lover who has been in love for many years meets someone better than you and then leaves you, what does this prove? Love is actually a kind of fucking ape-dung! ! !

21. Seriously, have you ever had plastic surgery? My belly is swollen.

22. Immediately! immediately! Don't even think about it! Say an English word starting with p pI GU!!!

23. ICAC is the Independent Commission Against Corruption and what is ICBC (answer: Industrial and Commercial Bank of China) Independent Commission Against Corruption

24. You steal Have you ever seen other people’s privacy? I'll grab it.

25. If you suddenly disappear one day, do you think someone will look for you crazily? If I still owe the bank’s mortgage and car loan

26. Someone is secretly in love with you You, will you be tempted when you find out? I think I will change my mind.

27. Twins, the elder brother is called Tianlong, what should the younger brother be called? Part Eight

28. Have you ever thought about someone of the opposite sex every day? Answer: I think about it every day and want to go to bed with her.

29. When your enemy went to the toilet, there was no paper. If he can't get out, what should you do? Give him a roll of transparent tape

30. What would you do if your love rival fell into the water? Pee.

31. I am very good and obedient. I know you have a boyfriend/girlfriend now, but I will wait for you. Will you want me? I will wait for death. Be good and go home.

32. If you meet a robber in the middle of the night and he says he won’t let you go unless he sings, what will you sing? A heroic song.

33. What was the most serious consequence of being naughty as a child? When I was a child, I was playing on a city wall ~ I accidentally slipped and kicked someone off the wall

34. Have you ever wanted to cry just thinking about someone? Yes, creditor.

35. Someone tells you that I use mineral water to flush the toilet. How do you respond? Everything I pee out is a royal salute!

36. If your partner’s ex died and your partner cried in front of you, how would you react? He threw out the three-foot white silk and said: You might as well let her go.

30 Classic Funny Quotations - Made You Laugh

1. Master Bao and Zhan Zhao went to Africa to play and met a group of black-faced cannibals. Not only did the cannibals not eat the two of them, they also shook hands with Master Bao while Bring human flesh to Master Bao to eat. Master Bao was puzzled, and Zhan Zhao said: Sir, the cannibals regard you as their distant relative.

2. My friend said he would drive me home. After I got in the car, I lit a cigarette out of habit. My friend pinched my cigarette out and said: Don’t smoke in the car. Smell of smoke. I slapped him down. The battery car smelled of your sister's cigarettes.

3. I was taking the subway, and a strange aunt sat next to me. The phone rang, and the aunt answered the call, and said to the phone very cheerfully: Ah, I don't have time tonight. My car broke down and I was taking the subway. I found a handsome guy and I'm going to book a room! The crowded carriage fell silent for an instant. I glanced at the aunt beside me, and when I turned back, I found that everyone in the car was staring at me.

4. As a roommate for four years, I only had one orange segment given to the five of us by her. That’s right, it was really an orange segment. When eating snacks, I always take them to bed, eat them, and then get out of bed after eating. Each person in the dormitory paid two yuan for electricity. My roommate said that we had used her electricity and we should not let her pay for it and we had to pay her! More importantly... I once saw on her camera that her family owned five Audis! Five cars! There are cameras at home!

5. I have a strong taste in food and like a lot of salt. One day, my roommate asked me: What does pin mean? I was too lazy to pay attention to him (he liked to ask strange questions) and said casually: It just means eating. The roommate nodded while thinking, as if that was the case. A few days later, my girlfriend came to the dormitory to chat with me, while my roommate was lying on the bed reading a book. When I talked about taste with my girlfriend, she asked me: What is your taste? As soon as his girlfriend finished speaking, his roommate threw down his book, sat up and replied: He has always had heavy taste. I suddenly turned blue.

6. Coach: Relax, don’t be nervous. Well, I'm not nervous. My friend said that during the exam, just treat the instructor next to you as a dog.

7. Doctor: Why can’t I find my pen? I want to give you a prescription. The patient reminded in a low voice: Doctor, didn't you put it in my armpit?

8. It has been many years since I graduated. Today is Teacher’s Day. Teacher, I miss you very much. Thank you for your hard work. I have already returned the knowledge you taught me. Please tell me when you will return the tuition fees to me so that I can buy an iPhone 6s!

9. The couple went shopping for clothes. The wife was hesitating between a thick piece of clothing and a thin piece of clothing. She didn’t know which one was better, so she asked her husband: Which one do you want to buy? good? My husband said: If you know how to wash clothes, buy a thick one. The wife smiled and asked the boss: Wrap this thin piece for me.

10. After drinking with friends in the evening, I took a taxi home. As soon as I got into the taxi, the driver asked me: Young man, have you been drinking? I was a little surprised: Yo! Master, you have such a sharp nose that you can smell the smell of alcohol on me? The driver said: Smell your sister! You get off the roof of my car first!

11. Wife: You just watch TV and don’t even care about the broken faucet. The water is about to flood your home. Come and take a look. Husband: What are you looking at? On which channel?

12. When I went out, I met a beggar who came to me to beg for money. He said he hadn’t eaten in a few days. I just bought some steamed buns with my change. I looked at him and gave him 2 pieces. Damn, he actually said that I sent him to beg for food. Yes, isn't he a beggar?

13. Today, a buddy cut off a ball head and joked to him: Brother, he just got out of prison! He looked at me and said: Do you want to force me to go to jail again? Then I fell silent.

14. A female sister weighs 140 pounds and dances square dance with the aunts every night. Her movements are all kinds of slow. Yesterday she took me to watch her and asked me how my dance looked. I said: I think you look like a little swan when you dance. She said: Really! It seems that I have lost weight. I then said: It’s a Little Swan brand drum washing machine

15. I simply can’t think of a gift to give to my wife to congratulate her on her birthday. She is happy. Write her an anonymous love letter.

16. I was lying on the hospital bed and asked the nurse: Love is gone, family affection is gone, friendship is gone, health is gone, money is gone, do I have nothing? The nurse quickly said gently: How can you say that about yourself? Aren't you still sick? . .

17. Mrs. Shana, who runs a fashion store, has been very troubled recently because the flower shop on the left has begun to switch to fashion business. Not only is the store bigger than hers, but the competitor also has an irritating sign. The best deals! . One wave after another, and before the suffocation in Mrs. Shana's heart was completely gone, the flower shop on the right side of the fashion store also started to do fashion business, and also made a dress that seemed very dazzling to Mrs. Shana. The slogan here is the cheapest price! After thinking hard for several days, Mrs. Shana, who couldn't eat well or sleep well, finally came up with a solution and hung a big sign directly above the entrance of her boutique.

18. I remember once having a drinking party with a female colleague. After drinking, the female colleague got drunk and said she wanted me to sleep with her at night. After hearing this, I slapped her and left her alone. Well, I think she must have wanted to steal the two hundred dollars in my pocket while I was sleeping. I didn’t expect that she was this kind of person, bah!

19. During a physical examination at work some time ago, a colleague’s fat blood vessels were not obvious. The doctor inserted several injections but failed to draw blood. He said helplessly, comrade, you are so~um, you are so strong, and my colleague is very down-to-earth. , Doctor, I’m not strong, I’m fat

20. One day I saw a buddy and said to him: Dude, your jeans are torn and you still wear them? My buddy said: This is popular now, you know how to play a string ball. I looked at his exposed anus and thought that city people really know how to play

21. One day, the old lady and her husband were watching TV together. A commercial was followed by a broadcast of the beauty pageant. The old man blushed when he saw it, got up and went into the house. The old lady smiled: This old man is quite feudal. After a while, the old man came back and sat upright in front of the TV. However, his wife put on a pair of glasses and nagged her: When did your otorrhea get better? Husband: It was the day your throat started to get inflamed

22. Yesterday at three o'clock in the morning, LZ came home from work and met a young woman lying on the ground. She was also wearing very revealing clothes. Knowing that I worked at a nightclub and was drunk, I thought my chance had come, so I went up to help her, but damn, the beauty turned her head and vomited all over me. I kept thinking whether she threw up because she was drunk or because she looked at me.

23. Wife: Just now at Lao Zhang’s house, you drank five cups of tea in a row. Didn’t you say that you couldn’t sleep at night after drinking tea? Husband: But if I don’t drink the fragrant tea that I can drink for free, I won’t be able to sleep even more when I get home.

24. After I came out of the hospital, I was dejected. Suddenly, a fortune teller stopped me: Sir, do you want a fortune teller? I was in a bad mood and yelled: You are just a bird, I will use you to count! But the fortune teller only smiled slightly, pinched his fingers and said: Yes, I will count you as a bird. Hey, is your bird okay? I immediately worshiped: Master, how did you know? The master laughed: As the saying goes, if you are strong on the outside but strong on the inside, you will naturally be weak on the inside. I asked: Master, what should I do to get rid of my troubles? The master said: You should look softer, preferably like a transvestite! I asked again: Can I be as hard as a transvestite? The master said: Of course not! But becoming a transvestite becomes a little pain, and you can live a happy life even if you don’t get hard, and then you won’t have to worry about it! Me:

25. A: My boyfriend has everything, a car, a house, and savings. B: Sighed: My boyfriend also has everything, including a bicycle, a rental house, and a loan.

C: Let out a long sigh: My boyfriend really has everything, even a wife.

26. Both men and women like to go to the park together on weekends. One day, I was chatting on a bench with my friends when I got tired. Suddenly, my friend pointed in one direction and said: Look, what are you doing over there? Everyone looked in that direction, and it turned out to be a couple hugging and kissing. So, one of my friends got upset. He was so affectionate in public in broad daylight. It was so outrageous! I want to go over and say a few words to him. So, everyone suddenly started discussing what they could say to separate them gracefully. #$^##@ (A flurry of words!) At this time, I came up with a sentence: Go over and tell them: Open your mouth more, okay? Suddenly, there was a burst of laughter.

27. A second-hand friend recently bought a new fish tank, and then showed off the fish he bought in various social circles. Suddenly there was no movement in the past few days. I called him and asked him. He told me: It was cold and I was afraid that the fish would freeze to death, so I bought a hot water heater to heat the water. I fell asleep and found the fish when I woke up. All cooked.

28. A friend works for a car rental company. I went to his company to hang out at noon one day. I asked him: I rent cars to others every day. Have you ever met any weird customers? The guy looked at the yard and said: The man came to rent the car early in the morning and it hasn't been emptied out yet.

29. Yesterday, I had a drink with a female colleague. The female colleague told me that she was very happy with the drink and wanted to sleep on my shoulder. While talking, she leaned over and I became anxious on the spot and slapped her. He slapped him and said: Damn, I promised to drink three boxes, and whoever poured it first would pay. Now I regret it. I want to eat the overlord meal, so fuck me.

30. Early this morning, my girlfriend He acted coquettishly to me: My dear, my Apple 6 accidentally fell to the ground and broke. Look, don’t worry. I took out a Nokia from my pocket and said, I have prepared it for you a long time ago. This one is not afraid of falling. 25 classic funny quotes_laughing

1. The aunt sprayed mosquito killer in the bedroom and took her niece out for a walk. On the way, my niece asked in confusion: Auntie, why don’t you buy two kilograms of meat and hang it at home to let the mosquitoes eat their fill, and won’t they stop biting us?

2. Me: Boss, how much do these clothes cost? Boss: 200, one piece? Me: Do you want to sell it for 300? The boss was stunned at first: Sell it, why not sell it! Me: Then you can sell it for 300. I won’t buy it anyway.

3. I wanted to be romantic and bought my wife a bouquet of roses today. I have never bought them before. The first reaction to my wife was surprise, the second reaction was to say I wasted money, and the third reaction was to scold me. Have you done anything to disgrace me? Not to mention, I’m still on the sofa and can’t sleep! What a romance!

4. My wife is pregnant and has gained a lot of weight. I said to my wife: I really can’t stand seeing how fat you are! The second-rate wife replied: How can you, a person who turns rice into shit, get the courage to laugh at a person who turns rice into meat? I was petrified in an instant.

5. There was a sudden power outage in the boys' dormitory, and the students shouted: Incoming call, incoming call! After a while, the electricity came. The boys were so impressed that they cheered together: Come on, woman, come on woman! The aunt in charge of the dormitory came and yelled: "Shut up, everyone."

6. I remember that I used to hand out test papers in class. The moment I handed them out, I blocked the scores at lightning speed and did not dare to look at them. Then I carefully moved my palms and saw a number first: 7. I was nervous, it couldn’t be 57, so I moved it again, moved it again, wiped it, and got a score of 7, Nima.

7. When I was a child, my teacher was doing a home visit, and happened to encounter a rat hunt in my house. There was a big rat in the room, but I couldn’t find it after looking for it for a long time. Suddenly, the teacher’s eyes locked on the curtains.

My mother and I were very scared at that time and watched nervously as the teacher carefully pulled the curtains. The result! A huge mouse fell down and hit the teacher hard. My mother and I panicked, picked up all the tools in our hands and beat the teacher hard! The teacher didn't come to class the next day!

8. I heard a young lady talking to a little lolita on the street. Young lady: I’ll give you an ice cream. You come with me~Little Lolita: Humph, I won’t do it for An ice cream goes with you! Little Shota: 2! Little Loli: Wait a minute, I have to go home and pack some things.

9. My little sister moved from her hometown to a kindergarten in Guilin when she was two years old. Because she had just transferred to another school, she spoke in a brogue. The teacher came to my aunt and said: You have to teach your child Mandarin quickly. His Mandarin is quite substandard! My sister said: I am aware of this problem and am slowly correcting it. The teacher said: That’s good, you have to hurry up. Now half of the children in the class talk like this

10. When we were young, my mother bought a piggy bank for my sister and me. We were very happy. It’s so bad that I don’t even want to spend my pocket money in it. At that time, I was so stupid that I didn’t know that there was a hole underneath where I could take out the money, until one day my sister and I saw my mother seriously digging out the money. At that moment, my sister and I hugged each other and cried

11 , I made my wife angry this morning. This guy actually took out two amoxicillin capsules, opened them and poured out the powder. Then he handed me a toothpick and said he would forgive me after I dipped it in the toothpick and finished eating. This is so sour! Such fierceness! Who did she learn it from?

12. I passed by a fortune-telling stall in the morning and heard the stall owner saying to a little girl: Marriage is not difficult to find. You only need to spend 1,000 yuan to ask for a fortune-telling fee, and I can help you find Prince Charming. I knew he was a liar as soon as I heard it. Out of good intentions, I quickly reminded the little girl: Don’t listen to him! You're so ugly, no matter how much money you spend, you won't get married!

13. I have a puppy at home! She screams every day, which is annoying. I can't stand it today! Block it in a corner and ask it: Have I been lucky recently? This guy hasn't called for three days. I seem to understand something!

14. In the Buddhist hall, the master is speaking to his disciples: The name I gave you is not casual, but my expectation for you. Do you understand? All the disciples answered that they understood. Only one disciple remained silent. Seeing this, the master asked the disciple: Yuanji, why don't you speak?

15. When I went to the cafeteria to eat, after the aunt finished serving the dishes, I immediately put my hands together, eyes and nose: Amitabha, thank you very much! The aunt asked: Has the young man become a Buddhist? I said no. When I saw this vegetarian meal, I thought you believed in Buddhism! The aunt said: I don’t like the lack of meat. I have a big face and I don’t eat well. I am short and work hard. Ugly people are more likely to study, and people with a shrewd mouth are more likely to be vegetarians! I won’t say any more, I’m going to eat this meal on my knees

16. Recently, my girlfriend moved me. I want to thank my girlfriend. Really, I remember that before I started dating my girlfriend, I would miss my birthday every year. On my birthday, I would just have a bowl of longevity noodles. . Since I started dating my girlfriend, I get to celebrate two birthdays every year: one is my girlfriend’s solar calendar birthday, and the other is my girlfriend’s lunar calendar birthday. I’m really touched!

17. When my grandfather came home, he saw my father beating me crazily. He quickly stopped me and asked why. He saw someone dead and people were throwing paper money. He thought it was colorful, so he ran to pick it up. That doesn’t mean beating the child, right? But, dad, when I asked him why he picked it up, he said that after grandpa died, he would not buy it and just throw it away.

18. Around 6:20 in the morning, I picked up 90,000 yuan while waiting for the bus downstairs. In the spirit of finding gold, I really wanted to return it to the owner. Now I have been standing there waiting. More than ten hours have passed and the owner still hasn't come. Now I am trying to find the owner through various means! Please let all friends know each other, help forward it, and find the owner as quickly as possible! I'm very worried. How can you play mahjong if there is one less than 90,000 yuan?

19. The two-year-old son is very naughty and pesters his mother not to do housework.

So I said: Son, come here, how about daddy telling you the story of "The Little Match Girl"? Unexpectedly, my son asked me: Dad, what are matches? One sentence really stopped me. There are no matches at home either. I really can't explain it to him. I have no choice but to say: Let your mother tell you "The Little Girl Selling Lighters".

20. I saw a child kneeling on the roadside begging while walking today, and I felt pity for him! I took out 20 yuan and put it on the table and was about to leave when I heard the child say: Thank you, uncle! ah! Who to call? I am only over 22 years old and yet you call me uncle! Look, this child is not only pitiful but also blind! Immediately pick up all the money on the ground and run away! Alas, no more! She is still in the hospital for treatment now!

21. One night, the baby suddenly pouted and protested to his mother: Mom, you are so stingy! oh? What did mom do wrong? The mother looked at the baby, blinked, and looked sincere. The baby pointed his hand and said loudly: Mom, look, grandma gave birth to you, you are so big, but you gave birth to me and I was so small, you are so stingy!

22. In music class, the teacher said: What is high-profile? What is low-key? Xiao Wu deserted and was caught by the teacher, who asked him: He hesitated for a while and then replied: This is easy to say, you see, it is also taking your money. Thieves are low-key and silent. But the robbers kept a high profile and threatened loudly: Robbery! Hand over all your money! After hearing this, the teacher was so angry that the students laughed.

23. On the way home, I saw a man and a woman arguing. The woman argued for a few words and then said: Didn’t you say you will ignore me for the rest of your life? If you have the guts, go! The man was also arguing loudly: Do you really think I don’t dare? I'll ignore you when I get you home! The two people held hands throughout the whole process. As a single person, I suffered 10,000 points of critical damage every minute.

24. A man has been secretly in love with a girl for a long time. One day he finally got up the courage to confess his love to the girl. Man: Please accept my love and be my girlfriend? Woman: I'm sorry, I don't like you! Man: I had feelings for you when I first met you. Don't you have any feelings for me at all? Woman: Yes! Man: Thank God! Woman: It’s just that I feel like vomiting!

25. One day, my deskmate was playing with his mobile phone in class. Suddenly, his phone rang. The deskmate quickly threw the phone into my hand. I stood up calmly and looked at the whole class who were looking at me. Speaking of: Teacher, I played with my phone, please smash it!