Please help me find some humorous articles for my speech.

The first time, a doctor dragged me out of the womb and suddenly fainted. A nurse closed her eyes and groped for me and stuffed me back ...

After the second time I was born, all the people in the hospital hid in the morgue and cried. The dean slapped himself on the mouth, blaming himself for being as blind as a bat and shouldn't be greedy for money to take over my business ...

Motherly love is great, and she.

At the age of eleven, when I was in the third grade, all my classmates were most curious, and they desperately wanted to see what I looked like behind the mask. A classmate named Li Dadan tore off my mask while I was urinating. Since then, Li Dadan has suffered from a strange disease, unable to speak, glassy-eyed, doing nothing all day long, and closing his eyes on a person's skull without blinking. I shed tears ...

The headmaster reported to the Education Bureau, and the Education Bureau sent someone, because all the students in the school transferred to another school, and the headmaster could only eat half a bowl of porridge every morning, and the teacher's salary had not been paid for two months ...

After the people from the Education Bureau saw me, the director immediately resigned and went into the sea, and there was a chain reaction, and educational institutions across the country were dissolved ...

I was walking in the street, and people on the roadside were all vomiting wildly.

next door, pockmarked Liu's daughter-in-law wants to brag to him that his pockmarked face is so disgusting that she must leave! ! ! As it happens, I walked to their window. When Pockmarked Liu's wife saw me, she stopped talking, took out the money, and went to the insurance company to insure Pockmarked Liu's hemp. One pockmarked Liu was 1, yuan ...

It shocked the United Nations again. Why do you want to say it again?), Annan was at his wit's end and asked me to have plastic surgery, but it didn't work. All the plastic surgeons cried when they saw me. Nearly half of the doctors went to a mental hospital with the same symptoms. They said nothing but one sentence: ugly ... ugly ...

Arafat sent a special plane to pick me up and asked me to stand at the gate of the presidential palace to resist the encirclement of the Israeli army. I went to stand for a minute. The whole country of Palestine was jubilant, but when Arafat wanted to introduce me as a national hero, the people of Palestine couldn't find me with lanterns ...

A writer came to me with tears in his eyes: I grew up, and my greatest dream was to get a Nobel Prize in Literature, but now the master is so amazing ... I have a unique skill. As long as I can write a book in front of you, I will definitely win the prize!

I didn't believe it, so he stayed with me for a week and wrote a novel "Seven Days in Hell" with a length of five million words. As a result, he even won the Nobel Prize in Medicine ...

Nobel headquarters announced that if the world could find words to describe my face, it would win the literary prize. As a result, all writers switched to buying pork, and Nobel Prize in Literature disappeared from now on ...

The National Football Association specially recruited me. China didn't concede a goal. Every game was a score of 12:. One player scored a goal. After the game, they had a picnic on the lawn. I was alone in front of the goal BBQ. All the opposing players, including the goalkeeper, vomited to the ground, and the referee even took out the red card.

Of course, our team members have also gone through the devil training step by step, first look at my photos, then look at my photos for dinner, and then play football ...

The World Cup has remained in China forever, and foreign media commented that I am the devil incarnate.

At the start of the world lying contest, contestants of all races started to talk wildly. I went on stage, won the championship with only three words, and kept the title forever. I said, I'm not ugly ...

I cried at night, looked at the moon and asked softly, Me, is it nice? A white object fell gently on the moon. I picked it up and saw that it was a small white rabbit that was crushed to death by the claws of nine Yin bones ...

I called to the sky: God, am I the ugliest?

The sky suddenly rained heavily and fell on me. I touched it, but it was all vomit ...

I left the world and came to the ancient castle. I asked the mirror: mirror, mirror, who is the ugliest in the world? The mirror shed tears and committed suicide ...

God forbid me, why did you give birth to me?

I held a grudge and ended up depressed, but who knows, the terrible man gave me an Amnesty and let me go back to the world ...

So I wandered around the world, having nothing to do, playing online, and I wanted to chat, so I applied for a QQ number, who knows ... System prompt: because of your disgusting face (please forgive me, my literary level is not high, I can only explain it to this point), our company will not die. When I met her, I reached out and touched her head: "Hey? This Dongdong looks so good! What are you? " Guimeimei quickly shrank back. The next day, the tiger touched her leg again, and the turtle girl retracted her leg again. On the third day, the tiger touched her tail again, and the turtle girl retracted her tail again. On the fourth day, the tiger just stretched out its claws, and the turtle flopped out its head and limbs, angry: "eldest brother, you can kill a gentleman, but you can't humiliate me. I'd rather be eaten by you than sexually harassed!" "

mutton kebabs

sheep feed and hunters shoot them. After killing, send it to the hotel. The chef chopped the sheep, put it in the refrigerator and frozen it. Take it the next day and string it with bamboo sticks. That night, put it on barbed wire, set it on fire and bake it. Mutton pieces are crying on the barbed wire: Woo hoo ... Who said that the nets are fake? This time is really terrible!

Internet cafe

The wife calls her husband: "Where are you? Internet cafe? Why are you in the Internet cafe again? Why are you always in the Internet cafe? What is the homonym of Internet cafes, and where do you go every day? "

Ugly ... Spit

A wasp flew back angrily and shouted to her mother, "Mom, am I ugly?" Mother wasp: "handsome boy, what's the matter?" Hornet: "I just went to see the net friend Chrysanthemum, which is too small to bloom!"! But when I got close to her, the flower bone blossomed and frequently spit out nectar. "

couplets

My girlfriend and I looked for an Internet cafe, found a quaint bungalow door, and found couplets on the wall. The first part is-it's very pleasant to sit for a while. The bottom line is-shallow singing, like a fairy. The girlfriend asked, "Is this karaoke or an Internet cafe?" I looked up at the horizontal batch-public toilet.

In a senior high school, there was a teacher who was biased against our class. As soon as he came to our class, he would lecture the whole class, so the whole class agreed that as long as the teacher's class was the last class in the morning, the whole class would punish him. As soon as the bell rings, half the class goes to buy food, and the remaining half takes turns to ask questions. When the first half comes back from dinner, the class shifts to continue asking questions, and the other half goes to eat. The poor teacher can only eat his instant noodles if he is quick.

One of our older teachers is very short-sighted and strict, so he is not allowed to be late. As a result, at last, a classmate was late and sneaked in through the back door. Unfortunately, he was found by the teacher. When he sat down, the teacher strode over to him, and everyone watched with fear. The teacher angrily asked another classmate sitting in front of him, why are you late?

3. In junior high school, a new political teacher, female, just graduated, was beautiful. She sat on the podium and invigilated a quiz. A few boys behind us lay prone on the table without answering their papers, looking straight at her. The teacher soon turned red and began to look down at the newspaper, so we began to copy wildly.

The Chinese teacher in Grade Four and Grade Three told us poetry, and talked about Liu Yong's "The Rain Bell": holding hands and staring at each other with tears, but he was speechless. The teacher asked: What do you think is the relationship between these two people? Everyone looked at each other and didn't know how to answer. The teacher said indignantly, of course, these two people are lovers, but the teachers actually said they were friends. Nonsense! That's what friends do.

5. I remember when I was in primary school, a buddy was fighting with others in class, and was caught by the teacher. After class, please go to the office to lecture. I waited on the windowsill out of sympathy. I saw that the teacher (a female teacher in her forties) kindly helped him adjust his clothes and tied the red scarf again. Just as we were sighing at her kindness, what she "snapped" was a slap in the face of that buddy, and immediately we all crashed! ? It turns out that this is called "reasoning first, then fighting"!

There are fights in junior high schools in Liuan, even teachers are no exception. Once, the Chinese teacher in our class and the head teacher in another class started work for the punishment of a classmate. The students in the two classes helped each other on both sides and kept shouting "Come on".

There was a history teacher in the seventh high school. He was a strong old man, which could be regarded as a maverick. In autumn, we went to physical education class to wear long trousers, and the old man came out wearing an ultra-thin short-sleeved T-shirt and played basketball with us. We boys were so impressed. He had his history class the next day, and other teachers took the place. I heard that the old man caught a cold.

the most drunken time I had, I came out of a pub and wanted to buy some fruit. The boss just smiled at me and ignored me. When I was in a hurry, I tried to argue with my boss and fell down, so I couldn't remember anything. When I woke up the next morning, I found myself naked and lying under the covers. It turned out that I threw up all over myself yesterday, and I didn't even know that my classmates had pulled me out. He also said that I was so arrogant yesterday that I took two oranges and didn't give money. Unfortunately, I can't remember anything!

Responder: Romantic Lemon Tree-Trainee Magician Level 2 6-12 19:39

1. Once a girl in our class was sitting in the back row listening to the Walkman, and her ears were blocked, so she spoke loudly. She said to her deskmate < P >, "Let me know when the teacher comes." Almost all the students heard it, even the teacher who wrote on the blackboard was no exception < P >. The teacher looked back at the classmate and said, "I can't go there!" "

2. On the Mid-Autumn Festival in my sophomore year, my pager suddenly rang during class, and the teacher confiscated it. In the afternoon, the teacher asked

me to go to the office and give me a good scolding, and asked me to write a 2-word inspection. After the training, the teacher pointed at the desk with

and said, "Take it back." At that time, I was dizzy with training. I looked up at a

box of beautifully packaged moon cakes on the table (in fact, it was a welfare given to the teacher by the school), and I was so grateful that I completely forgot my BP

machine. I grabbed the moon cakes and ran away ... The teacher came out slowly, with a sigh ...

3. In high school, the school led a local accent. One day at noon, he said on the school radio: "Rooster, Rooster, < P > please ask all the chickens to go to the chicken department office to open the waste." Everyone is wondering, why does the school pay benefits every three days? Later, I learned

that the original words should be: notice notice, please all faculty and staff to the branch office for a meeting.

4. During the self-study class, the dean of academic affairs came in and said to the monitor, "Help me find two people, I want class flowers." So the monitor organized the whole class to vote for the class flower, had a class, and finally unified their opinions and selected the two most beautiful girls in the class.

So the two girls went to the director shyly, and the director said, "Come with me to the academic affairs office, I want to move flowers ..."

5. When I was in middle school, I sat in the last row. Because I didn't understand English class, I always slept secretly until class was over. Behind me is the back door of the

classroom. Every time after class, my deskmate wakes me up and goes out to bathe in the sunshine. One day, the teacher asked me to answer the question

for the first time. I was awakened by my deskmate in a deep sleep, thinking that class was over, so I got up and opened the back door and walked out of the classroom. Three minutes later, I was teaching

that the outdoor environment was strange, and then I hurried back to the classroom, only to see all the teachers and students in a state of panic ...

6. In high school, after class was over, all the students rushed to buy lunch boxes outside. In order to get there before others, a girl took a shortcut around

, and the manhole cover in front was not covered properly and fell down! After a while, she climbed along the manhole, and she was very embarrassed. A group of junior high school children passed by her in horror. She was in a hurry and said while climbing: Hey! It's really difficult to repair ...

7. Two boys went to the canteen to eat, but unfortunately there was a couple sitting next to them, very much in love and feeding each other. The two brothers really couldn't stay any longer, but they said nothing. Soon, the couple left on their own initiative. It turned out that the two brothers also started to feed each other bite by bite ...

8. In junior high school, one day at the school student meeting, the head teacher wanted the sports committee to check whether the girls in the class were here. He said to the physical education Committee (a horny boy), "You go and clear up the girls in the class." The sports committee member was flattered and asked in a low voice, "Kiss first ... which one?" The teacher thought for a moment and said, "According to the student number, of course!"

9. When I was in the fifth grade of primary school, my classmates and I went out for breakfast. While we were eating, a dog ran to a classmate and wagged its tail.

He looked at the dog for a long time and said, "Call Dad and I'll give it to you."

1. The teacher asked a boy who was sleeping in class to answer the question. The boy didn't answer. When he was embarrassed, the girl in the back quietly told him the answer, but the voice was a little louder, so the teacher could hear him. So the teacher said, "I know that behind every successful < P > man there is an unknown woman, but isn't it a little early?" Everyone is in uproar

Respondent: 3727695-Magician Level 4 6-12 19:47

hehe

Respondent: Pirate 912-Assistant Level 2 6-13 11:1

Not bad, not bad

Respondent: frankie6688-Probation Level 1 6- Guess a male singer. Answer: Wang Leehom (boom); What if You Zhu jumps out of the pigsty? Guess the name of a female singer, and the answer is: Han Hong.

id=6839, there is a bean, which falls down. It is discouraged and depressed. What can encourage it to stand up? The answer is "you"! Because there is something called "pig encourages beans".

id=684, who is mi's mother? It's a flower Because peanuts! Who is Amy's father? It's a butterfly Because the disc loves flowers! Who is Amy's grandmother? It's a wonderful pen! Because wonderful pen makes flowers!

id=6841, you're a book, I'm a bag, you're a mouse, I'm a cat, you're wood, I'm glue, you're pork, I'm a knife, we have such a good relationship, so you can pay for dinner tonight!

id=6842, girls are so cute, just like Chinese cabbage in winter. Eating you every day is no exception, no exception. Everyone sees and everyone loves.

id=6843, new three obedience and four virtues: the wife should follow when she goes out, obey her orders, and blindly follow her mistakes; Wife has to wait for makeup, remember her birthday, be willing to spend money, and endure beatings and scolding.

id=6844, excited heart, shaking hands, I propose a toast to the leader.