Funny jokes and quotes

1. "Men, you must keep your face dry. Don't sweat all day long when summer comes. As long as you keep it dry, your success rate will increase. I am such a person who pays great attention to facial dryness. "Police: "Is this why you lifted up this girl's skirt to wipe her sweat?" 2. I was eating Xiaolongbao when one suddenly fell to the ground. I quickly picked it up and stuffed it into my mouth. , my roommate asked: "Isn't it dirty?" I said proudly: "Illiterate people don't know, research shows that food can be eaten within five seconds after it falls on the ground." My roommate looked at me, cursed me and walked out. Got to the toilet.

3. No matter how ugly the iPhone he gives is, how ugly the color of the Ferrari is, or how noisy the location of the house he gives is, he will accept it without saying a word. If you like someone, you will like everything about him. I like his concentration in driving a sports car, and I like his gentlemanly attitude when he brings you a diamond necklace. Even his carelessness when giving you money is cute. Life requires such plain love.

4. I have a rich friend who goes to school in Korea.

One day I asked him: "Is the plastic surgery trend serious in Korea?" He said: "Actually, it's nothing. It’s just that I need to introduce myself at the beginning of each semester.”

5. I think my room may be haunted. Whenever I sit at my desk and start reading seriously, I soon find myself transformed. Lying in bed looking at my phone!

6. Train conductor: Go ahead and turn on the hot spot of the air conditioner for me! Go ahead and sell ice cream! Half an hour later, the conductor said: The ice cream is sold out! Conductor: Go ahead and turn the air conditioner on for me! Go sell instant noodles...

7. In the morning, before I woke up, my girlfriend was already busy in the kitchen. The aroma of apples, eggs, chicken soup, milk, pancakes, and all kinds of delicious food hit my face. When I came, I felt a feeling of happiness in my heart. When I woke up and walked into the kitchen, my girlfriend had already eaten them all and was gone! He also left a note asking me to clean the pots and dishes!

8. My boyfriend often ignores me while playing games. Today I bought a wireless mouse and secretly plugged it into the back of the computer. When he was playing at night, I occasionally moved it, and then he actually smashed the computer.

9. When I was a child, I went to other people’s houses with a group of friends to steal cucumbers. They all ran away after stealing, but I was still lying on the ground eating them. Later I was caught and asked about stealing cucumbers. Why are you lying on the ground? I said the cucumber stems are still on the seedlings, and you will think that the pigs ate them.

10. The son was anxious to pull daddy, so he said to his mother: "Mom, I want daddy, where is it?" Mom said to pull daddy next to the duck, and after a while she came back crying, "Mom, The duck always runs away”.

11. Our daily lives are already very stressful, so we go online just to relax, and we don’t want the Internet to bring any tension to us. So I beg those classmates who I didn’t know each other well when I went to school and haven’t contacted them for several years, please don’t suddenly pop up “Are you there” on QQ?

12. When I was walking on the street, I saw a stack of hundred-dollar bills on the ground. I was so excited that I fainted. When I woke up, I saw that the money was still there, and I fainted again with excitement.

13. I have a junior high school classmate (female) who dresses and behaves like a man. After the high school entrance examination, she went to another school to repeat her studies. After going there for a month, a girl confessed to her, but she Without saying a word, he took the girl's hand and stuffed it into her top, and then the girl cried.

14. The reporter asked the primary school student: "If you had money to talk about, what would you do?" The primary school student replied: "I would buy my school." The reporter asked curiously: "Buy you "What are you doing in school?" The primary school student replied calmly: "I want to give homework to those teachers!" 15. Passing by a primary school one day, I saw two kids fighting. Visual inspection of the second and third grade students showed that they were beaten very fiercely. You would grab your hair and I would grab your ears, and they would roll them together on the ground. Suddenly, one of the fat guys' pants rolled off, exposing his buttocks. A female classmate next to him laughed. The fat guy was so embarrassed that he immediately let go. Just like he answered the teacher's question, he raised his hand and reported to the thin guy holding his hair: "Please give me a day off!" My pants are off!" Do you think this is GC? The thin man really let go. He looked at the little fat man and wiped his nose with red face. He put up his pants and asked, "Are you okay?" The little fat man nodded. They pinched them together again.

I really don’t understand the world of primary school students. Even if they fight halfway, they can ask for leave...

16. My friend’s family has a Tibetan mastiff named Dundun. It is tied to the lower part of the gatehouse with a chain. The chain is also quite thick. Feed it at a time. Unexpectedly, the meat was thrown too far for the dogs to eat, so they ran forward as hard as they could. Suddenly, the chain was broken, and they all ran forward. They felt something was wrong again, thinking that it was impossible for them to run so far, but they actually returned to the original state. He squatted there and looked at me. I was immediately stunned.

17. I was buying a hairband online today and I liked one, so I clicked on the reviews and saw one comment that blinded me. It said: "The hairband is super beautiful, my husband You and I are fighting to bring it together.” Terrible couple...

18. Every time I watch a boxing match with my wife, there will always be someone dressed very girlishly at the end of the round. When the cards came out and we walked around, she always asked: "Husband, you said this girl is so beautiful and wears so little, will these two men get hard after seeing it?" I was so focused on the game that I didn't bother to answer her. But she kept asking at the end of every round, and I finally couldn't help but yell, "I'm so injured and still so hard..."

19. The leader of the family boy, the ego How old was he? He was naughty when he was a child and was beaten by his father. A few days later, his father found a small notebook under his son's bed. It said: "On this day, my father beat me. When I grow up, I will take revenge." As a result, he was beaten again in the evening. His father got fat and beat him up...

20. I saw a young couple arguing on the road. Suddenly the boy squatted on the ground and carefully tied the girl's shoelaces. I went up and asked him: "You Why did you put down your dignity and tie her shoelaces?" He smiled and said, "I have chosen to take care of her." I finally understood that it is really not easy for girls to find themselves with big breasts. The shoelaces are untied.

21. I find that my wallet has never been filled with money. Who can be poorer than me? Reply 1: "My aunt has been doing it on the toilet for three days." Reply 2: "I went to have my fortune told that morning. When the fortune teller saw me, he told me to close the stall." Reply 3: "I had to go to the public toilet when I had to urinate. The small sign at the door said it costs 2 cents to urinate, but I choked myself to death." Reply 4: "When you have money, you must use paper when you go to the toilet."

22. I saw a girl telling fortunes on the street today. Said he was born in . Then the master just said that she was born in the Year of the Pig and was young! The girl said, Master, your calculations are too accurate, and then she took out a hundred yuan and continued to inquire about her future life! I was instantly confused...

23. If you say that a female college student goes to a nightclub to accompany a drinker at night, it doesn’t sound very good, but if you say that a female college student insists on going to the university to attend lectures during the day, it will sound very good. positive energy, so when speaking, the order is particularly important.

24. Yesterday I went to the bathhouse to take a bath. As soon as I entered, a woman looked at the top of the Benguliang, made a sound, covered her chest, and glanced at the bottom of the Benguliang again. Oh, Open your chest and go take a shower...

25. "Comrade police, it's bad! The new car I bought is probably a Transformer! I parked the car just now and didn't go far when I turned around and found my car The car started running on its own and deformed as it ran! "Remember to pull the handbrake when parking on a slope, the car is so bumpy."

26. The cafe has hired a new waiter. When introducing himself, he said that his dream since he was a child was to be a waiter, but then the new guy resigned after working for one morning! Ask the newcomer: Isn’t your dream to be a waiter? The newcomer replied: Yes! She asked again: Then why did you resign? Newcomer: Because the dream has come true!