Find five jokes that can make me laugh until my stomach hurts, and make people feel horrible smiling pictures! ! !

examinee: I didn't graduate from primary school.

examiner: have you ever been in a fight?

examinee: it's common practice.

examiner: do you have a criminal record?

examinee: I just came out.

examiner: what about physical fitness?

Candidate: Not bad. You can kick over a peddler's tricycle with one foot.

Examiner: Dare to take other people's things?

examinee: this is my strong point, just like taking my own things.

examiner: does the old man dare to fight?

examinee: Xiao Cai, my father made me cripple.

Examiner: You have passed the exam. What our urban management needs is talents like you!

examiner: one more question, what should I do if something happens?

examinee: just say it's a temporary worker.

examiner: I went to work tonight.

2. One day on the bus, a man and a woman collided because of the crowd.

The fashionable girl looked back and said, "What's wrong with you?"

The man was puzzled and answered, "Do you have any medicine?"

people in the car snickered!

The woman felt angry and replied, "Are you mentally ill?"

The man said coldly, "Can you cure it?"

the whole car is laughing!

the bus driver stops and laughs on the steering wheel!

Second:

The bus was overcrowded and there was a woman standing at the door.

A GG came from behind the car to get off, and said to the woman, "Excuse me, get off".

that woman didn't move.

GG stepped on her when she pushed past.

As a result, the woman was so fierce that she kept cursing: "You are crazy! You are crazy! ~ ~ ",it's so loud that the whole car is watching it.

GG didn't speak all the time, so he couldn't stand it when he got off the bus. He turned to the woman and said, "Repeater!"

There are some funny children in the back, who keep playing the scene just now.

A said, "You are crazy! ..................................................................................................................................................................................

Later, a little MM wanted to get off the bus, too, and squeezed past and said timidly, "I ~ I ~ I want to go down, I'm not crazy ~!"

the whole car laughed again ~!

The woman didn't speak, but a word came from the side: "Are you out of power?"

the whole car was bursting with laughter ~!

3, Confucius said; Fight with bricks, don't play chaos! According to the head! Whether you die or not!

Buddha said; Bullshit! I am merciful! Don't play more! A brick is dead! ! !

4. On Monday, I got on the bus and didn't bring anything except 1 yuan for the ride. Sitting from the starting point to the terminal, I feel calm all the way. But when I got off at the terminal, I found a note in my pants: "It's not shameful to lose an adult when he goes out without anything." -"

Tuesday, I took a broken wallet with 1 cents in it. When I arrived at the terminal, I found that the money was still there, and a note was stuffed in my wallet: "We are not beggars, please don't insult our profession. -"

On Wednesday, I still broke my wallet, which contained 1 counterfeit bills. When I arrived at the terminal, I found that the money was still there, and a note was stuffed in my wallet: "It is illegal to hide large face value * *, so please turn it in to the relevant department consciously. -"

On Thursday, I took an envelope containing a stack of overdue Straits Talented People's Newspapers. When I arrived at the terminal, I found that the envelope was still there. I took out the newspaper and read it. The newspaper was replaced by the latest straits talent newspaper, with a note: "Now is the consulting era. Only by updating the information in time can we seize the opportunity and win success! -"

On Friday, I put a toy mobile phone in my pocket. After arriving at the terminal, the mobile phone was still there, and there was an extra note: "Please don't make this joke and affect the normal work of our company. -"

On Saturday, I took a toy pistol and stuck it in my waist. When I arrived at the terminal, I found that the gun was gone and a note was stuffed in my trousers: "I hate you robbers most, and you have no technical content at all!" Confiscate the tools of crime! -"

On Sunday, I was getting ready to get on the bus, but there were too many people to squeeze in. While waiting for the next bus, I felt in my pocket and found that there was an extra 2 yuan, and there was a note: "Big Brother, it's not easy to be in our business all day. Here's 2 yuan. You can take a taxi wherever you want, please don't mess with us."

6, there are too many people on the bus one day, which is particularly hot and particularly boring. My friend can't stand it, and I don't know who it is. I can't help it. As it happens, the conductor is asking, "Who didn't buy the ticket? "My friend suddenly had a plan and said loudly," The fart didn't buy a ticket! "Suddenly, a particularly fat woman, holding the ticket high in her hand, said loudly," I have already bought the ticket! "

7, a sculpture was completed in a new building of a university: a young girl held a book in her left hand and held a dove symbolizing peace in her right hand. The name was publicly solicited from students outside the school, and many people's slogans coincided-reading is the best for a bird!

9. The loss of bicycles in school is very serious. The new ones disappear in the blink of an eye, but sometimes with luck, the lost bicycles will reappear every few days. One day, Xiao Jing, a roommate, bought a new transmission car. She showed off to everyone and said, "I locked this car with the latest lock! "The next day, Xiao Jing came back from his evening self-study and looked depressed. He also pinched a note in his hand, which read: Don't be a master here, I borrowed the car, and I will pay you back in a few days!

a few days later, the thief really returned the car. Xiao Jing was very happy, but she was worried that the car would be "borrowed" again. I bought ten big locks, locked the car tightly, and put a note on the thief: See how you can "borrow"! When Xiaojing went downstairs the next morning, he found five more locks on the car, and there was a note on the locks: See how you can ride!

1, there are three little tadpoles. They go to a restaurant for dinner ... After a while, the first course is fried frogs ...

The three little tadpoles sang in unison: I don't want to grow up ...

11, one day, Cao Cao arrested Liu Bei, Guan Yu and Zhang Fei. Cao Cao said to the three of them, each of you should go to the orchard and choose a fruit. After a while, Zhang Fei brought an apple out. Cao Cao said that if they could put the fruit they brought into their ass, they would be released. Zhang Fei tried for a while and failed, so he was killed. After a while, Guan Yu came out with three grapes, and Cao Cao said the same thing to him. Guan Yu began to stuff ... When he stuffed the third one, Guan Yu suddenly smiled, and as a result, he smashed the grapes and was killed again. After going to the underworld, the king of Yan asked Guan Yu, "You are so stupid, why are you laughing?" If you don't laugh, you won't die, "Guan Yu said with a sigh." I don't want to! Jealous beauty! When I stuffed the third one, I suddenly saw Brother Liu coming out with a durian in his arms ... "

12. Yesterday, I went to eat KFC, and the people behind me looked like a couple. Seeing that they ordered a lot of food, they sat next to me. After sitting down, the girl began to eat hard, as if she had been hungry for several days, while the boy chewed the French fries one by one, as if he had something on his mind.

Suddenly, the boy put down the French fries, leaned forward and asked seriously, "Qingqing, can I chase you?" "

Without looking up, the girl just said," No! "

The boy asked again," Is it impossible at all? "

The girl simply said," Not at all! "

The boy was stunned, and his eyes looked straight at her and stayed there ...

At that time, the girl was holding a chicken leg in one hand and a hamburger in the other, thinking that the boy was watching her, so she stopped eating, then looked at the boy with poor eyes and whispered," Well ... can I still eat? "

Everyone around me, including me, laughed out loud. The boy was helpless and said," Eat, eat … "

This MM is so cute ... If I don't let it chase, I must chase it ... desperately! ! ! !

13. I have always been restless at school. I taught myself for the first time when I was a freshman. I was depressed when I sat in the classroom, and then I ran to the aisle to smoke.

Just after lighting a cigarette, a PL girl came and asked me, "Now I'm studying by myself! How did you get out? "

I said, bored out to smoke, MM which class are you in? How also ran out.

PLMM pointed to our classroom and said, That class!

at that time, I was so excited to say, are we in the same class? What, are you depressed?

She said: Well, a freshman in our class ran out from self-study, and I came out to look for him.

I laughed, but it seems that there are still people who can't sit still. What do you want with him? You're not his mother!

MM: I can't help it. I'm his head teacher!

I was deceived at that time ...

A minute later, I choked out a sentence: Teacher, you look so young ...

14 Dad is a worker in a glass factory and has the habit of working with gloves.

one night, he took a taxi home. When the car passed a small forest in the suburbs, a cool breeze came. Dad felt a little cold, so he took out his glove strap from his pocket. The driver saw it in the rearview mirror and asked cautiously, "Brother, what are you doing?"

"Oh, nothing, I'm used to it. I always wear gloves when I work, so I won't cut myself or leave any marks ..."

15 A middle-aged man went to a local private hotel on business.

When having dinner the night before, middle-aged people were very uneasy when they saw some stains on the edge of the dish.

He asked the hotel owner, "This dish looks dirty." The boss replied, "Don't worry, mineral water will make it clean."

hearing this answer, the middle-aged people began to eat with great peace of mind.

A week passed, and middle-aged people ate in the hotel every day and got acquainted with a big dog in the hotel.

When we were leaving, the middle-aged man stepped out of the gate, and the dog reluctantly caught up with him and clung to him.

When the innkeeper saw this, he went up and patted the dog on the head and said softly, "Let the guests go, mineral water."

16 When the hunter was hunting, he saw two birds in the tree. He raised his gun and shot down one. He found that it was hairless, and he was wondering. The other bird flew down and cursed the hunter: Damn it, I just coaxed her to take off her clothes, so you shot her down. . .

17 A parrot was hung at the door of a restaurant. When a guest arrived, he said, "Hello, welcome!" A regular customer thought, I'll hurry in and see how you react. One day he ran in and the parrot said, "Damn it! You scared me! ! ！"

18 A child in the delivery room laughed after birth, and the midwife was very surprised. When she gathered around and observed, she found that the child's fist was clenched. After breaking it, she found it was an abortion pill, and only heard the child say: He *! Trying to kill me? It's not that easy! !

at the end of the performance, the leader took the beautiful Mongolian actress's hand on stage and kept asking her name. The actress said excitedly: Marla Gebi

2 stands higher and sees farther; When the water is clear, there is no fish, and when people are mean, they are invincible! Go your own way and let others take a taxi. Wear other people's shoes and let others find them.

21 what is depressed? It's just that three dozen people were beaten, a pinch of hemp was hugged, a wallet was stolen, and my wife slipped away with someone. At home, the porridge was still rancid when I smelled it, and my eyes turned, and the ambulance went to the hospital and fell into a ditch!

22 moon cakes fall in love with steamed bread, and they pursue it desperately, and steamed bread will never leave. The moon cake is sad: (Hong Kong accent) What is this for? Steamed bread: My mother said, your stomach is full of huahuachangzi.

23 One day, the hen flew on the roof, and the owner said angrily, "Come down, or I'll kill all the cocks here, making you wish you were dead." The hen laughed and said, "Finally, we can find the duck."

24 An American, a Frenchman and a China were walking in the desert. When they walked, they saw a bottle. After opening the cork, a man came out. The man said, "I am a fairy, and I can satisfy three wishes of each of you!" Americans are the first to say, "My first wish is to ask for a lot of money." The fairy said, "This is simple, it satisfies you! Tell me about the second wish. " The American said, "I want a lot of money!" " After the fairy fulfilled his wish, the American said his third wish: "Get me home." The fairy said, "No problem." So Americans

returned to America with a lot of money. The fairy asked the Frenchman again. The Frenchman said, "I want a beautiful woman!" " The fairy gave him a beautiful woman. The Frenchman said, "I want more beautiful women!" " The fairy also satisfied him and gave him a beautiful woman. The Frenchman finally said, "Send me back to France." After the fairy sent the French back to China, she asked the China people what they wanted. China people said, "Let's have a bottle of Erguotou first." The fairy gave it to him. Ask him what his second wish is. China people said, "Another bottle of Erguotou!" The fairy asked him what his third wish was. China people said, "I miss Chinese and Americans very much. Please get them all back." The French and the United States are extremely popular, but they are helpless, so the three of them have to continue to walk. Walking, I saw another bottle. When I opened the plug, another man came out. The man said, "I am the younger brother of that fairy just now, and my magic is not as strong as his, so I can only satisfy two wishes of each of you." The French and Americans think it's better to let the China speak first, so as not to be brought back by him later. So China people said, "Let's have a bottle of Erguotou first." The fairy fulfilled his wish. The French and Americans urged China people to express their second wish quickly. After drinking Erguotou, China people said to the immortal slowly, "All right, it's all right. Go away." An American, a Japanese and a China are exploring the jungle. As a result, all of them were arrested by the cannibal tribe. But the tribal chief said, "I'm in a good mood today, and I won't eat you, but you all have to get a hundred boards, but you can have a wish come true before you get a board." "Get the board first is American. He said, "Before hitting the board, put a cushion on my ass. "Pad, the board rained down; In the past, 7 boards were ok. After 7 boards, the cushions were smashed, and then there was blood on the boards ... After that, America always left. After seeing this, the Japanese asked for 1 mattresses. After 1, 2, 3 ... 1, the Japanese got up and patted their ass, nothing; Then he boasted about his imitation ability and re-creation ability with a smelly mouth, and wanted to sit and watch the Chinese people's drama. China people slowly get down, leisurely say: "come, give me the Japanese mat. ”…