Absolutely hilarious slip of the tongue (don't laugh! )

1 When I was a child, I played TV series Hunt and Rogue Tycoon. An old woman in the yard said, "Chasing the Fugitive is on tonight." . . . . . .

An unknown colleague is chatting with me, and the content of the chat is extremely boring. Tell me what happened to him and his girlfriend. What happened? I am speechless. After he talked for a long time, look at me. Maybe he said so much, so I have to make a statement.

In an instant, I really didn't know what to say, so I blurted out: Is your girlfriend a woman?

I have had a cold for a long time! ! ! !

In junior high school, when the teacher talked about the ancient Babylonian civilization and the Sumerians, the history teacher said excitedly that "there are still beauties in the two river basins", and more than half of them laughed on the spot.

4 buy a pot helmet to eat together, a man comes forward: boss, two helmets!

Good teeth, good appetite and delicious food. . )

There is a classmate named Huang Jiajian in my high school class.

One day, I didn't go to class. When the old class came into the classroom, I saw that his seat was empty.

Just asked: Hey, where's Huang Jiajian?

After the whole class laughed, they all called him Huang Gupo.

In the past, teachers handed out papers, and the girls at the back took one more and shouted, "Teacher, I have it, I have it." As a result, the boy sitting next to me said, "It's mine, it's mine." The whole class was chilling ~ ~ ~

I worked in a factory two years ago. One day, my master and I (actually older than me 1 year) went to the factory to handle affairs. The material engineer is a big sister named Dong, in her forties. After that, the host was very polite and wanted to say, "Sister Dong, you go." The result is: "I see."

8 ~ Another time, I went to buy breakfast and found that my usually unsmiling boss was also waiting in line. I was very nervous. After greeting, I summoned up my courage and said to the chef, "Master, please give me a steamed stuffed bun and two breasts!" " ~

~ ~ ~ Woo ~ ~ It's the first time in two years to hear the boss laugh so loudly ~ ~ ~ Depressed ~ ~ ~

My friend's child is half a year old, so I called to care. After a few commonplaces, he came up with a sentence: Does your child eat human milk or your milk now?

10 One evening, I met an acquaintance and said, "Good morning." ...

1 1 In the evening, a roommate came into the room and announced loudly, "I watched the midnight edition of the beautiful ring today!"

12 that day, I went to buy watermelons, and I heard someone ask the melon seller: Does your watermelon have skin?

13 A farmer was drying wheat in the yard, and several chickens came to peck the wheat. The farmer swept it, the chicken scratched it, swept it again, scratched it again. I can't take it anymore. I cursed, "you bad thing, I scratch, you sweep, I scratch, you sweep."

14 One day, I went shopping and needed to pee urgently. I found an internet cafe in front of me, rushed into the door and shouted at the stationmaster: Where is the toilet in your toilet?

15 bought rice in the canteen, saw the long-awaited tofu skin, and excitedly told the waiter that I wanted a potato skin, which startled everyone around me.

16 on business trip, I have to go to a certain bank in China to repair equipment. After getting out of the hotel and taking a taxi, I said to the female driver, "You go to China Bank and buy a knife at the hardware store." Sweat! I was going to buy a screwdriver. I didn't notice that I was wrong. At this time, the female driver kept looking at me and said, "Big Brother, I'm going to get off work. Please find a new taxi. " At that time, I was very angry and said, "What car did you stop at the hotel after work?" ! ? "The female driver looked at me and said," Eldest brother, I don't want the fare after buying the knife. You can find another one. "oh! ! ! Only then did I realize that I was wrong, and I quickly explained it for a long time. Now that I think about it, I feel sorry for the female driver.

17 A political teacher once said in a lecture, "Let me give you an example", and then thought it was wrong and said, "Give me an example".

18 do you still remember the new ironmaking materials brought by Zhang Qian when he came back from the western regions during the reign of Emperor Wu of the Han Dynasty?

Refined a good sword and showed it to Li Guang and kept repeating:

Your majesty, good sword (base), your majesty, good sword (base) ...

silent ...

19 is really a good donkey.

In junior high school, the teacher asked the translator who this person was.

A classmate translated: Whose man is this? The whole class laughed and the teacher was speechless.

2 1 When I went to McDonald's for the last time, he said to the clerk, I want a bag of potato chips, but they saidno. I said, what store doesn't even have potato chips? Then I turned and left. . .

In the mid-term exam of 22, the girl behind me has a trouser-shaped pencil box on her desk. As soon as I turned around, my pencil case dropped. I said, "Well, you dropped your pants."

I remember that there are dogs in Lu Yu, and MM exclaimed in surprise: Ah, there are no dogs in that tail! !

23 bask in too much ass.

I remember when I was a child, I went to buy round plastic bullets in toy guns and said directly to the old man in the toy store: buy a pack of original (round) bullets!

My classmates explained to me how to make an inquiry call.

I wanted to ask if it was a real person or a voice who answered the phone over there. I said, "Is it a living person or a dead person who answered the phone?" "

26 carrying a lot of things and gg looking for a place to store bags at the train station.

A policeman came face to face, and gg immediately stepped forward and asked politely, "Excuse me, how can I get to the place where the bag is buried?" "

In the political class, I talked about the political problems between China and Japan, and talked about the Japanese samurai committing suicide by caesarean section.

The teacher said, "Japanese samurai were all delivered by caesarean section before they died ~ ~ ~"

Once I called a customer named Wang, and the switchboard was answered by a sweet-sounding MM, who told me his extension number. I didn't know if the king I was looking for was a man or a woman, so I asked by the way, "Is he a man or a woman?"

When I was in college, a classmate just bought a mobile phone, got a mobile card and dialed 1860 to ask about it. I was excited at that time: I wanted to ask about your mobile phone business. . . From hands-free, we actually heard the telephone operator say politely: We are moving to bring business. . . The whole dormitory burst into laughter.

In the eleventh year of junior 30, my classmates went to work in a shopping mall selling fish. The guest took the selected fish, and my classmate gently pointed to the fish killing platform and said to him:

"You in the past, someone will kill you. . . "

3 1 Yesterday, someone said that he would introduce me to a girlfriend. I wanted to ask "is it good?" but it turned out to be "cheap." Sweating to death!

The teacher told us: "go on road trip should be honest in spring and don't always throw his head and arms out." . . . "

My husband is thin. Once I was in a hurry and said, "Honey, you look as thin as a pig!" "

One day, I went to the famous Da Qiao Road food store in Tianjin to buy food. I want to buy an old lady cake almost every time! As a result, I saw a slightly smaller cake that looked basically the same, but I was not sure, so I asked the aunt of the clerk, "Is this the cake of the little old woman?"

As a result, the audience is neither humble nor supercilious.

My cousin runs a kindergarten. Once she was in a hurry and asked me to help her take care of the children 1 hour, play games and tell stories. Facing more than a dozen children for the first time, I was so nervous that I was tongue-tied: "Children, today my aunt told you a story about Aladdin and the Magic Lamp." ...

36 concave, convex ....

Original broadcast: Two gangsters wounded me and fled 1 10 police.

The announcer read: Two gangsters wounded 1 10 police and fled.

(Huang Feihong reincarnated! )

In high school, my brother and I were in the same class, and he sat behind me.

One night, our geography teacher asked us: Who is your sister? Who is the younger brother? I stayed there.

I bought cold rice noodles once and went back to my dormitory. I went to another dormitory and came back to find my roommate eating my cold rice noodles.

When they saw me coming back, one of them said to me, why did you come back? Cold rice noodles are getting cold!

I wanted to drink soda that day, so I went to the cold drink stand and said a bottle of soda. Unexpectedly, when I saw the beer in front of me, I said in a hurry, "Boss, have a bottle of fart water", boss. ...........

4 1 Just now, a colleague read the newspaper and asked, "How many games did China win yesterday? China is one, but Singapore can't produce negative numbers.

In the past, there was a game called "a handful of dollars" on the red and white machine, which Europeans usually called "John in the wilderness"

Some commentators: Rush out of Asia and the world!

Once, my husband and I quarreled, and he scolded me: "pig!" " I scolded him: "You are the husband of a pig. . "I really feel like a pig after scolding.

One of our colleagues, when taking the driver's license test, said a classic sentence to the examiner:

Report instrument, examiner is normal ~ ~ ~ ~

I remember once, when I went to KFC with a sister, I heard her muttering in the queue, a chicken leg burger and a pair of chicken wings. Finally, it was her turn. As soon as she spoke, everyone laughed. She wanted to say "Miss, a chicken leg hamburger", but it turned out to be "a calf, a hamburger".

47 college students get together in the forest park. It's time for everyone to prepare dinner. Two boys volunteered to go to the canteen to buy beer. The monitor wants to remind them to buy beer and cans. Perhaps because they have been talking about international current affairs just now, the monitor stood up and shouted, "Beer should belong to Iraq."

We all fell. Two boys are crazy. . .

48 MM told me that KFC's new "flesh and blood connection" (mutton kebabs have brittle bones) asked me to take her to eat. In those days, Beijing was extremely hot and I was in a daze. When I arrived at the restaurant, I said to the smiling Miss KFC: Please give me two "flesh and blood", thank you! .............

Shame-_-!

I'm always busy at work. On Valentine's Day, I got off work late and rushed to buy flowers. My wife is cooking at home and waiting for me. She called to ask me when I would go home. I lied to my wife that it would be a long time. When I heard her hang up unhappily, I said to myself, this is a surprise for you ... I bought flowers, rushed to buy chocolate and rushed to take a taxi. I couldn't get a taxi for a long time. I finally found a car to go home. ! ! ! ! !

At the party, the host said, "Please enjoy the Xinjiang song and dance-hold your head up."

1. Go home on weekends when you are at school. After dinner, I was addicted to cigarettes and planned to go for a walk on the pretext. When changing shoes at the door, my father asked me why I wanted to go. I said, "Go have a cigarette!" As a result, my father found a pack of 555 from me and gave me a good K.2. After coming out from my mother, I went to find my wife. After seeing my wife, I habitually called out, "Mom!" 3. I found that my bike was flat when I went to work in the morning and wanted my mother to push it outside to refuel. As a result, I said, "Push out my tires." Mom was confused, so I smiled and quickly corrected it. As a result, I said, "Fill my car with gas!" "4. When I was driving, the female colleague sitting next to me suddenly asked," Why don't you wear a condom when driving? "5. The last toilet was convenient and there was no paper. He said to his wife, "Bring me the paper-wiping donkey! "6. A girl is lovelorn. I advised her: "Toads with two legs are hard to find, and men with three legs are plentiful! "7. Two people were bickering when suddenly a man next to them said," You are really full and have nothing to do! "8. When my colleague argued with others, he was so anxious that he opened his mouth:" Do you think I grew up eating? "I've always wondered what he grew up eating. 10, I read a post while eating, and read a classic to my wife. She laughed to death, so she said to me, "Read it after dinner, or your brain will be indigestion! "1 1, once asked a nearsighted person how many degrees his eyes were, and he wanted to say 400 degrees, but when he said it, it became 400 watts, and his stomach ached! 12, a leader of the Education Bureau checks the exercises between classes. After the end, the PE teacher should have announced "dissolution", but in desperation, he forgot his words and held back for a long time, shouting "retreat! 13. Many teachers were listening to a physical education student's internship class. He's too nervous. When he finally wanted to disband the team, his mind was blank, and he abruptly uttered a sentence: "Attention, attention! Flash! ! "14, a group of students went to their home in the suburbs to play. We bought some watermelons to put in the kitchen. I asked a classmate to take a knife to cut it. I haven't been back for a long time. While wondering, he came over with a cut melon in his hand and said in a panic, I cut the pumpkin. Everyone laughed wildly, but two seconds later, everyone laughed even harder. It turned out that he had a melon in his hand! 15 There was a teacher surnamed Jiang in high school who looked like (Tang Priest in Journey to the West). I went to ask him a question and blurted out, "Teacher Tang, this question ..." 16, a colleague, one day I was driving on the road and had a flat tire and asked where there was inflation. Colleague said: "The streets are full of abortions! "17, I went to McDonald's to buy sweet barrels, and finally it was my turn. I can't wait to say, "Give me two rollers!" "I didn't expect the waiter to say to me loudly; "Two rollers, four dollars!" 18, I met a long-awaited girl who came out of the bathhouse and wanted to get close. For a long time, I said, "Take a shower. Are there many men in it?" 19, once I went to dinner, when I checked out, a MM said to my boss, "Husband! Check out! " At that time, the proprietress was nearby ... 20. A teacher played mahjong all night and saw that the blackboard was not wiped. He was furious: "Who will be a farmer today?" Don't clean the whiteboard! "2 1, once my uncle saw my sister-in-law wearing a big treasure and suddenly shouted," You have such good skin, why do you still use soothing treasure? "22. I just bought a house and called a buddy excitedly:' I bought a house, only a dime (I forgot to say" blank ") is about to be renovated. "The buddy said," Is there only one toilet? So where do you live? "23. Our teacher stayed to do his homework. If he can't do it, he will copy others'. Then he went to the office to hand in his homework and saw the teacher say, "I copied it!" "24. A gentleman was particularly nervous on the day of driving test. The examiner embarrassed him and asked him to park his car where there was a fire hydrant on the side of the road. This Curtis said nervously, "report the fire hydrant, there is an examiner on the roadside, and no parking is allowed!" ""25. The company keeps a dog named Xiaobai. One day, everyone teased the dog. Colleague A said to the dog with a biscuit, "Xiaobai, only you feed me in the whole office." Three seconds later, the whole office burst into laughter!

On the way home, I saw a stall selling turtles, and a small sign was erected next to it to attract business. I only heard the students seriously read to the small blackboard: "Ba -Xi- Xiaocai-Dian!" " Oh, my God ... It's obviously a Brazilian turtle.

Once in line for lunch, a male classmate in front turned his head and said, look at my chest hair. Everyone was shocked. Later, I learned that he was going to say, do you think my eyebrows are fierce and I have no appetite?

When I was a cashier, a woman once took a pack of sanitary napkins to pay the bill. After checking out, I wanted to say "please take care" and accidentally said "please enjoy your meal"?

I'll tell you something, too. In high school, a classmate talked about the situation in the Middle East in a chat and suddenly said: Hussein, the monkey kingdom of Jordan. Suddenly laughed?

Once I talked to MM about tears, and she found me. She pointed at my eyes strangely and said, what's the matter? My innocent answer: my eyes fell into the sand.

When I was a child, I usually sold popsicles and ice cream by pushing bicycles. Once, I heard an aunt shouting in the house: New ice cream is selling well. (It is estimated that Auntie used to sell fried dough sticks. )

One of my classmates called another friend, and his grandfather answered the phone. This classmate doesn't know what he is thinking. He just said, "Grandpa, I'm grandma ..." Suddenly he felt something was wrong and hung up the phone with a bang.

Once, my classmate asked me what subject my other classmate was in the hospital. I don't remember clearly. It feels like internal medicine and acupuncture. As a result, I said she was in the guilt department.

My classmates always say "goodbye" to my father politely before going out. She came to my house to play and said "Goodbye Dad" to my dad when she left.

When I was in college, a classmate argued with me, and I was at a disadvantage for a while. In desperation, I got up and shouted: You talk nonsense, I'm not stupid!

A buddy of mine went on a blind date, and when he came back, everyone asked him how he was. The buddy said: This girl is really rough. At noon, they walked into a beef noodle restaurant. The girl said loudly to the master, Hey, pull two bowls. Lamian Noodles's master said, Do you want to eat? I eat and pull. My buddy quickly said: 1 bowl, you can pull 1 bowl. It is said that everyone in the restaurant laughed at that time ~ ~

When I was at school, the Communist Youth League secretary was particularly dumb. When I joined the league, there was only another girl (a horrible one) and I was the host. Our Communist Youth League Secretary said without hesitation: Today is the big day for two students, and all the other students laughed-_-

After a semester, this guy presided over another student's joining ceremony and said, Welcome XXX students to join our mysterious organization?

I remember I went for an outing with my colleagues. Colleagues got married, and then we had a barbecue. My colleague shouted to her husband, "Honey, come and peel this onion ~ ~ ~ I don't know if it's too exciting or something ... The result is: Lao Cong ~ ~ Come and peel this onion ~ ~ ~

I remember when I was in junior high school, there was a class about the Great Northern Wilderness. The teacher asked us to read the text, and one sentence said, "When we were reading together, the pheasant flew into the rice cooker." However, I clearly heard that my deskmate accidentally made a slip of the tongue and read it as "Pheasant flies into bed, Pheasant flies into bed." I almost fainted, but Lian Xiao didn't laugh.

I remember once telling my colleagues in the office that so-and-so was like a farmer, rustic, silly and lovely. Everyone said yes, like a farmer, suddenly the phone rang, and the colleague who answered the phone actually said, hello, farmer! ~